Dating / relationships with someone coming out, or in the closet?

8background

Would appreciate any experiences, stories and advice relating to dating someone coming out or somewhat in the closet, from either perspective

Locker10a

How long is a piece of string? This really depends on the person, I’d tend to be weary, depending on the persons age, most people under 35, unless they have a particularly toxic family background, wouldn’t be hiding in the closet in this day and age once they are sure and comfortable with their own sexuality, I know of one or two closet cases and tbh, the reason there not out isn’t a societal one, it’s more a personality/anxiety/mindset struggle which sadly often present a whole other set of issues/red flags when it comes to having a real relationship with the person

Ten of Swords

I generally wouldn't date someone still in the closet. That's not a hard and fast rule but it is my personal preference. I've done it in the past several times and it always ends the same way. To be honest once the initial thrill period dies down I find something very unfulfilling and tedious about being introduced as a friend or a housemate, or sneaking around trying to get alone time together. When you're dating someone in the closet you will always be their secret and they will never be 'the one'. For me, guys in the closet are better suited to hookups or a FWB situation.

bobbyy gee

Are they married???

8background

OP here, thanks for the replies so far.

For some context, I'm in my 30s but only realised and fully accepted that I am gay in the last few years. I have told friends but not family. We are close, so they may have guessed.

There's a few reasons like dependence on family, particularly now, and yes, some anxiety. I'm sure most of which is unfounded.

I was in a relationship that ended for many reasons for us both, one of which was not telling my family, which I completely understand. Although it likely would have ended anyway, I know it was the right thing for him to do. We were both glad that the relationship happened.


I have been taking a break from dating and will continue trying to work on myself and on coming out. Thanks - what you have both said is really very helpful, I'd love to hear any other stories

Tig98

Im the same as the other guys. Its hard to emotionally invest in someone who will always keep you at a certain distance - I think we've all been in the situation where you two bump into his friend/sibling in public and you think "Oh ****, how will we lie about who I am to him? Should I just keep walking?"

Different people have different reasons for not coming out. I understand your reason of being dependent on your family, as it's is really important to your wellbeing - but if not now, when. Are you making steps to independence, have you a frame of reference for how they will react at all?

I think you're right to keep ploughing ahead and doing what you're doing, self improvement and whatever. Id still meet up with guys and such, just be upfront you're not in the dating mindset yet and won't be until you sort out a few things.

8background

Thanks, Tig98.

Yes, I live with family and we would be dependent on each other for now. Although I do worry that they may react badly, it's likely that they will be supportive, thankfully. I'm more concerned about causing them stress and worry, particularly now.


I'm very up front about not being fully out dating wise, and understand any apprehension. Friends knew, but the pressure to tell my family became a bit overwhelming in my last relationship and I just didn't feel able or comfortable to do so at the time. It was just one of a few reasons so it would not have worked out for either of us regardless, but it's something I do feel bad about and would be very conscious of, if I was to get into anything new.


You're right though - if not now, then when Thanks appreciate the response!

I don't really think there's a straight up yes/no or black/white answer to that question OP. My own best friend is 35 and quite openly gay to everyone except his parents. His sister knows he's gay, his sister's husband knows he's gay, his nephews all know he's gay, none of them care and no one has a problem.

But his parents don't. They've all had a chat about it between them and they collectively decided it probably won't achieve anything to broach the subject at this point in your man's life. They're just elderly, come from a different generation, they're not bad people per se for not liking the idea that they could have a son who's gay and never deliver grandchildren, but it's also not an argument anyone thinks is worth bothering their bollix with having with a 75 year old pensioner.

Gael23

Closet case here.
I think maybe when I meet someone it will make it easier but I could well be wrong. I’m in counselling at the moment and that really really helps but I think if I was in the early stages of seeing a lad and o had something to say it might be easier.
Maybe I’m wrong though. I just can’t bring myself to say it yet even though I know myself

Dickie10

im in the closet also , i know it would kill by elderley parents so i wont be coming out anytime soon. i do feel awful though for some of the guys that i meet with, some are really lovely guys.

8background

Thanks mizterbizmuth. You're right every situation is different, and sometimes maybe it's not necessary or possible and can still work - like with your friends older parents.

I think my parents would be ok. It's more a fear that it will worry them, change things, or that they, and my siblings, will be hurt / sad that I couldn't tell them before, among other things.

Gael23, thanks , I really relate to that. I'm glad councelling is helping you - it's definitely something I'm going to look into. Have you told anyone? I've only told some close friends over the last few years, and I struggled for a long time with that, not least because I'd not realised myself till later. The reaction has been great so far, and considering what a huge deal it had become in my mind, it was a huge relief!

I hope you get there when the time is right for you, without pressure, and that it all goes great

My last (and first) relationship helped a lot. Not being able to tell my family, or be more public, was part of the problem though. Sometimes I hoped the relationship (6+mnts) could have continued, or that I could have had support in it. I understand why it didn't, and get why they weren't prepared to wait around for me to do something that I hoped would have been easier.

Dickie10, that situation sounds tough, I hope it works out for you too. It does add an extra layer of complexity to dating, and it's not easy from either side. I think when met with honesty though, people are often understanding

Thanks for these replies guys, it really helps to hear:)

shameless liberal

Hey OP. Just joined boards today (well, re-joined after a number of years away). Your post spoke to me!

How long do you have? I think similar to other posters, I have significant experience of this.

I'm 31 now about a year out of a 3-year relationship which as I came out in my mid-20s was my first proper relationship really! The lad I was seeing was closeted when we met. By the end of the 3 years, he was out to most of his friends and his family (I really loved his family) but the whole experience for me personally was really very damaging and although I'm now 4 months into a comparably extremely healthy relationship I'm still not quite myself imo.

I'm ashamed that I didn't expect more for myself than to hide in his bathroom if his housemate came home. Two years in, if we met his colleagues or some friends on the street, I was his "mate from football". I just accepted it, was kind and supporting of him and what his experiences were at my own expense. Ultimately, all of his shame projected onto me and it really damaged my confidence. There were lots of other examples of his projected shame. If I didn't want to drink on an occasion, he'd be super anxious his mates would judge me for it. I'm far from camp (though there's nothing wrong with whoever anyone is, camp or not), but he was always concerned I was excessively so.

Living in secret was a hugely regressive step for me and I only took it because of a lack of previous relationship experience.

In short, gay sex isn't inherently seedy or wrong. Don't accept for yourself anything other than an authentic, healthy, enriching relationship between equals is my advice. Don't be a surface onto which somebody else can project their shame. And if it feels that way, address it and if it seems the right move - run a mile. Go with your gut!

That said, we were all in the closet at one time or another. Lots of super cool guys are and hopefully they find their way. I hope you find a positive and uplifting relationship with somebody worthy of you who builds you up rather than tears you down. Accepting for yourself dating somebody in secrecy is starting on a really bad footing.

Gael23

Great post. I’m just not sure I can do the whole sit down I have something to tell you thing

Dick Turnip

shameless liberal wrote: »

Hey OP. Just joined boards today (well, re-joined after a number of years away). Your post spoke to me!

How long do you have? I think similar to other posters, I have significant experience of this.

I'm 31 now about a year out of a 3-year relationship which as I came out in my mid-20s was my first proper relationship really! The lad I was seeing was closeted when we met. By the end of the 3 years, he was out to most of his friends and his family (I really loved his family) but the whole experience for me personally was really very damaging and although I'm now 4 months into a comparably extremely healthy relationship I'm still not quite myself imo.

I'm ashamed that I didn't expect more for myself than to hide in his bathroom if his housemate came home. Two years in, if we met his colleagues or some friends on the street, I was his "mate from football". I just accepted it, was kind and supporting of him and what his experiences were at my own expense. Ultimately, all of his shame projected onto me and it really damaged my confidence. There were lots of other examples of his projected shame. If I didn't want to drink on an occasion, he'd be super anxious his mates would judge me for it. I'm far from camp (though there's nothing wrong with whoever anyone is, camp or not), but he was always concerned I was excessively so.

Living in secret was a hugely regressive step for me and I only took it because of a lack of previous relationship experience.

In short, gay sex isn't inherently seedy or wrong. Don't accept for yourself anything other than an authentic, healthy, enriching relationship between equals is my advice. Don't be a surface onto which somebody else can project their shame. And if it feels that way, address it and if it seems the right move - run a mile. Go with your gut!

That said, we were all in the closet at one time or another. Lots of super cool guys are and hopefully they find their way. I hope you find a positive and uplifting relationship with somebody worthy of you who builds you up rather than tears you down. Accepting for yourself dating somebody in secrecy is starting on a really bad footing.

Brilliant post

8background

shameless liberal wrote: »

Hey OP. Just joined boards today (well, re-joined after a number of years away). Your post spoke to me!

How long do you have? I think similar to other posters, I have significant experience of this.

I'm 31 now about a year out of a 3-year relationship which as I came out in my mid-20s was my first proper relationship really! The lad I was seeing was closeted when we met. By the end of the 3 years, he was out to most of his friends and his family (I really loved his family) but the whole experience for me personally was really very damaging and although I'm now 4 months into a comparably extremely healthy relationship I'm still not quite myself imo.

I'm ashamed that I didn't expect more for myself than to hide in his bathroom if his housemate came home. Two years in, if we met his colleagues or some friends on the street, I was his "mate from football". I just accepted it, was kind and supporting of him and what his experiences were at my own expense. Ultimately, all of his shame projected onto me and it really damaged my confidence. There were lots of other examples of his projected shame. If I didn't want to drink on an occasion, he'd be super anxious his mates would judge me for it. I'm far from camp (though there's nothing wrong with whoever anyone is, camp or not), but he was always concerned I was excessively so.

Living in secret was a hugely regressive step for me and I only took it because of a lack of previous relationship experience.

In short, gay sex isn't inherently seedy or wrong. Don't accept for yourself anything other than an authentic, healthy, enriching relationship between equals is my advice. Don't be a surface onto which somebody else can project their shame. And if it feels that way, address it and if it seems the right move - run a mile. Go with your gut!

That said, we were all in the closet at one time or another. Lots of super cool guys are and hopefully they find their way. I hope you find a positive and uplifting relationship with somebody worthy of you who builds you up rather than tears you down. Accepting for yourself dating somebody in secrecy is starting on a really bad footing.

Hey shameless liberal,


Thanks for posting this - it's really helpful, and what you have said makes a lot of sense. It sounds like a hard experience to have been through from that side. I can see why it would be really damaging, and it seems like you gained a lot of wisdom from it. I'm glad that you have a better foundation in your relationship now. It can't have been easy for you and sounds like you were very supportive. I can see how it would affect ones confidence and I'm glad your new relationship is much healthier. It's good to hear that he managed to come out in the end too, albeit after a long time.

Yes, I think perhaps there is some level of maybe residual shame or guilt, and projecting it into another person is something I'm conscious of. Coming out is a tough one for many of us, but it's good to know that we are not alone, and that it's something most of us would have went through at varying points, and something which can happen at different points and ways for everyone.

At times, I have found this period from accepting myself and having gay relationships to being fully out quite isolating. It feels like I've missed the boat to the gay community or that I'm between phases, yet still afraid to really take the plunge. I'm sure it's one of those things that once I do it, I will look back on and wonder why I worried so much though.

For me personally, the small steps I have been taking, and the more I tell people/speak to people are starting to create a small sense of relief, and I can see some more light towards being able to come out to family at some point soon.

Wishing you all the best too! Thanks for the posts guys!

8background

Gael23 wrote: »

Great post. I’m just not sure I can do the whole sit down I have something to tell you thing

Really get this Gael, it's a daunting prospect. Similar to you, I had sometimes envisioned coming out when in a relationship, because I thought it would feel like something to actually say, rather than (what feels like) making an abstract and very personal announcement. Rightly or wrongly I'm not sure, but it was something that crossed my mind too. In my case, it didn't suddenly become easier to say when I entered into a relationship like I had imagined, and I was conscious of my partner too, as the situation wasn't ideal for them either. Now that I am single, I'm working towards coming out to my family by myself, and then when I'm at a better place in my head, looking at meeting someone. But again it's something I'm still trying to figure out.