Asexual relationship

LegacyUser

I’m a 24yr old guy and I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl for 4 years now since we were in college. We really like each other and I’m almost certain I’ll get engaged to her.

Nearly everything in our relationship is perfect except our sex life. She complains I do not want it at all. When the relationship began, we were doing it twice a day but over time it’s come down to an average of once a week. She’s thought a couple of times that I may be cheating on her because I’m bi (though I’ve had experiences with guys I didn’t really enjoy it).

The thing is, over the last year I have realized that my problem may not be that I’m not attracted to her or bi but that I’m asexual. I have read up on it on various sites and I really think that explains my lack of interest in sex. I can get horny from men or women but sex bores me and I feel bad afterwards (not shame or guilt but a feeling that this was pointless). Same thing for masturbation.

I tried to rule out low testosterone levels and went to see a GP to get my levels tested but they were fine for a male of my age and size. I also have no other health problems.
I have browsed through boards and other forums where the general consensus seems to be that there’s no such thing as a sexless relationship and without it, it’s only a friendship. I beg to differ as what I share with my girlfriend is far deeper than a friendship; the only exception is that I don’t want sex from her or anyone.

Do I break up with her? Do I stand a chance in any other relationship?

antix80

Sex bores you, not her.

I think some therapy might help you. I don't think it's helpful to label yourself as asexual because it just reinforces that it's a sexless relationship resulting in even less desire/effort on your part. It's self fulfilling.

It would also require you to be more honest with yourself rather than just categorise yourself with a socially-accepted buzzword. (I'm not suggesting that you're gay btw.)

LegacyUser

confusedat24 wrote: »

I have browsed through boards and other forums where the general consensus seems to be that there’s no such thing as a sexless relationship and without it, it’s only a friendship. I beg to differ as what I share with my girlfriend is far deeper than a friendship; the only exception is that I don’t want sex from her or anyone.

Do I break up with her? Do I stand a chance in any other relationship?

Relationships are made up of at least two people OP, so while you might beg to differ about your relationship your GF clearly has a different view. Have you spoken to her about being asexual? It is possible to make your relationship work but you both need to be on the same page and you need to be open and honest with her. She needs to know what you can and can't give the relationship and decide if its a deal breaker for her.

No one here is your GF we don't know how she would react. I'm sure people will come along and say she needs X amount of sex to be happy in the relationship, none of us know that. Currently she assumes you are cheating on her/don't find her attractive and that's why you don't want to have sex with her and that's really damaging her confidence and general mental health and thats just not fair on her. Talk to her, explain the situation, Asexual people can have sex they just don't get the same enjoyment from it and if she is aware of that and wants to explore it then you can work on the relationship but equally she may not be interested in that sort of relationship, don't know till you talk to her.

And please please please don't just break up with her without telling her why, she is going to take away a negative view of herself away to her next relationship.

Thelonious Monk

Do you think about sex with other women? It's pretty normal to go off someone after a while in a relationship, probably even more so at your age. Do you still check other women out and would you want to have sex with them?

pwurple

You say you will move to engagement, the assumption of course is that you will then get married.

What do you picture when you think of your married life? Do you see children in your future together? Does she? If so, then this is something you need to address, rather than give up on.


Some counselling or therapy may be useful, as you have ruled out hormones and you still feel attraction, but the act itself isn't working for you.

spaceHopper

It doesn't sound fair to her, she's a not asexual and wants to have an intimate relationship, you could have sex to father children but after that what do you expect her to do, become asexual too? You need to talk to her be honest, it's not your fault or hers but I think it would be wrong to say nothing to her.

Jenneke87

If you are asexual, that's fine. Just realize that a-sexuality is a spectrum as well and it doesn't mean never having sex. Some don't want to at all, other do it to please a partner but might not be interested in it otherwise, some do experience romantic feelings, some don't. The other issue is, how does your gf feel? If she does want to have sex regularly this could very well be a problem. If she has a low drive herself, she may not mind it as much.

On another note, yes there are sexless relationships, either because two people are asexual, because of medical reasons, or other reasons and not all of those relationships are doomed either. It's really about communication here and what works for you both.

completedit

Man, I'm with you. Society makes it seem like all men are desperate horn dogs but the reality is a lot of guys aren't like that. To me, sex is cool and I enjoy the act in a way but is completely blown out of proportion by society. What makes it cool is that you are letting down your guard with someone you find attractive, also the approval and ego that comes from having someone let their guard down with you. The sex is very much secondary but we've been told that sex is the most amazing thing ever and many people like your gf have fallen for it. You need to talk to her; make sure she knows you find her sexy but the act itself is just not the most important thing to you.

shesty

But also realise that that may not be enough for her....as others have said you may be asexual and ok with it but she might want more than that.

BoardsMember

completedit wrote: »

Man, I'm with you. Society makes it seem like all men are desperate horn dogs but the reality is a lot of guys aren't like that. To me, sex is cool and I enjoy the act in a way but is completely blown out of proportion by society. What makes it cool is that you are letting down your guard with someone you find attractive, also the approval and ego that comes from having someone let their guard down with you. The sex is very much secondary but we've been told that sex is the most amazing thing ever and many people like your gf have fallen for it. You need to talk to her; make sure she knows you find her sexy but the act itself is just not the most important thing to you.

Its not exactly fair to say his gf "has fallen for it". For some, lots, and maybe inclding his gf, sex is amazing, or a very key part of their relationship, or thing to enjoy in their life.

You're making it sound like some kind of conspiracy, where its actually not much fun at all, and those that put a high value on it have somehow been duped.

Key thing here is where people have views or feelings on it from different ends of the spectrum, they need to thrash this out to see how much of a deal breaker it it. Neither is right or wrong, nobody is being duped. Yes, sex is all over the place and helps sell everything from glossy magazines to cars, but its still a pretty "cool" thing 😎

woodchuck

You need to have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend. You might be happy with an asexual relationship, but that doesn't mean she would be. In fact, it doesn't sound like it's what she wants at all since she's complaining that you don't want sex. Lay your cards on the table and go from there. But to be honest, it sounds like a fundamental incompatibility.

suicide_circus

The fact that your even thinking about it pro actively like this and got your testosterone checked is a good thing because you recognise it's a problem. You need to talk to herself about it.

ILoveYourVibes

confusedat24 wrote: »

Do I break up with her? Do I stand a chance in any other relationship?

Hi OP. Put it to her as it is. Lay out the facts.

See how she reacts.

And then you will know where you are.

Yes you stand a good chance in many relationships. Sex is not the be all and end all. For some its important for some its not. In reality its biological purpose is to make children. Its intimacy or a driving force for some. But not for others.

Let her know how things are. Give her some time to think it over and see how she feels about it.

It might mean you have to move on. But its best to get that over with.

For some women its not a big deal for some it is.

Tell her ....let her absorb the truth and she can decide for herself.

bertiebomber

i would love to meet an asexual man but they are all low profile as they seem to think its wrong not to want to be shagging all the time there are loads of women and men who dislike sex and find it repetitive and mundane ( not a bit like the movies ). Someone needs to set up a website for them .

antix80

bertiebomber wrote: »

i would love to meet an asexual man but they are all low profile as they seem to think its wrong not to want to be shagging all the time there are loads of women and men who dislike sex and find it repetitive and mundane ( not a bit like the movies ). Someone needs to set up a website for them .

Try "All About That Ace"

tobeme2020

confusedat24 wrote: »

I’m a 24yr old guy and I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl for 4 years now since we were in college. We really like each other and I’m almost certain I’ll get engaged to her.

Nearly everything in our relationship is perfect except our sex life. She complains I do not want it at all. When the relationship began, we were doing it twice a day but over time it’s come down to an average of once a week. She’s thought a couple of times that I may be cheating on her because I’m bi (though I’ve had experiences with guys I didn’t really enjoy it).

The thing is, over the last year I have realized that my problem may not be that I’m not attracted to her or bi but that I’m asexual. I have read up on it on various sites and I really think that explains my lack of interest in sex. I can get horny from men or women but sex bores me and I feel bad afterwards (not shame or guilt but a feeling that this was pointless). Same thing for masturbation.

I tried to rule out low testosterone levels and went to see a GP to get my levels tested but they were fine for a male of my age and size. I also have no other health problems.
I have browsed through boards and other forums where the general consensus seems to be that there’s no such thing as a sexless relationship and without it, it’s only a friendship. I beg to differ as what I share with my girlfriend is far deeper than a friendship; the only exception is that I don’t want sex from her or anyone.

Do I break up with her? Do I stand a chance in any other relationship?

Do you love her enough to let her sleep with other men. This is quite common now with husbands who are not into sex but there wives are.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Tobeme2020, please do not bump old threads.

As the OP hasn't been back, I'm going to lock this one.

Thanks to all who offered help and advice

HS