Ex wants to get back, im not sure i do

LegacyUser

Im genuinely looking for advice here. I was with a lady for almost 10 years and we broke up in 2014. We have an 11YO daughter and remained close friends throughout our 5 years apart (spoke regularly, helped each other out, became genuine friends even closer than we were when together)

During the period apart I had 3 relationships including one very difficult one which ended about a year ago. That Ex was mentally abusive, and prone to starting arguments and throwing insults that were deeply hurtful.

Coming out of this bad period, my long term ex began spending more and more time with me, she having herself broken up with her BF recently at the time. She floated the idea of us trying again and i jumped at the opportunity. I realize now it was a mistake to make the decision when i was still in pain, but that said i still would have attempted it. I have always been close to her and we regularly hung out as friends. So naturally i think it was worth looking at, and occasionally i even wondered whether we would try again. We are that close, and this despite her family hating me

The trouble is that nearly a year on, having spent quite a bit of time together, i am just not feeling it.

In terms of sexual chemistry, it seems to have vanished for me. LITERALLY, i feel almost uncomfortable when she makes a move. I have never had that with anyone before, and while i dont sleep around, im as red blooded a male as its possible to be. But with her, folks, i dont know how to put this. It just feels wrong, entirely. And just to be clear this lady is incredibly good looking. She is a year older than me at 39, but could be IDed at a bar depending on what she dresses up in.

In terms of spending time with her it is becoming something i attempt to avoid. Case and point, i just told a bare faced lie today; She is off work for a week from thursday, and grandparents want to take care of our daughter. Im working at home as an accountant ATM RE the pandemic. So she planned to come and stay for a week. And i felt i had to pretend i am under the weather and not up for company (barely keeping up with paper work, tired, bit stressed, which is a white lie as i am actually under pressure atm)

Although we agreed to give it a shot, in the early days about a year ago we both agreed not to rush things. We would date, and see what happened. And make nothing official. I feel i have stuck to this plan, but she really has roped me into it. Most of her friends think we are together. Her family and now my family. She is now talking mortgage, kids, marriage - and this puts me in an aweful position. I dont want to hurt her, and in truth i dont know where it went wrong. OR if it has in fact gone wrong. Maybe im reading too much into things.

Iv spoken to her about the fact that i dont feel what i expected to feel spending time with her. She seems the complete opposite and tells me she loves me intensely and that things will be great once we commit to one another.

FYI i should also point out that the lady in question has a history of depression and anxiety, which further complicates things. I am concerned for her well being.

I dont know whether to keep trying or make a firm decision. It feels like if i decide to call a halt it will be like breaking up with her all over again, because despite our agreement to be slow, she has clearly assumed we are an item

FYI ALSO, no other dating is involved on either side, just so that you folks know that there is no third party waiting in the wings

Advice in relation to this would be great. Also if there is anyone who has experience getting back to an ex after a long time. FYI i mention the sexual aspect not to be crass, but to contrast the situation to previous relationships i have had. I have gone from being a regular loving man, genuinely desiring a healthy exciting sex life, to a guy who makes any and all excuses to avoid it (im tired, i dont feel well, not in the mood, too stressed, not feeling it etc)

qwerty13

The question that jumped out at me is why did you break up in the first place? Were those reasons ever addressed / resolved?

Do you think it’s possible that she has some idea about ‘if I haven’t settled down by 40, then I’ll marry x person’?

golfball37

You never mentioned your daughter in any of that and how she feels about her parents being together as a factor which is strange?

It’s a tough station but you have to be honest with her. You love her like a family member/friend not a lover. You have done nothing wrong except lie one time, once you are being honest with yourself and her you’ve nothing to be ashamed of, you tried it and it didn’t work.

Sonic the Shaghog

I'm getting vibes of shes wants the mortgage, more kids and marriage and already having a child she's pushing it hard with you now it hasn't worked out with the others

Not a dig at you btw

leggo

golfball37 wrote: »

You never mentioned your daughter in any of that and how she feels about her parents being together as a factor which is strange?

To be fair, I get how you see it as odd, but it’s also smart to make these decisions based on how they feel. It’s not good to force a relationship for the sake of children, it’s how they grow up with broken ideas of what makes a relationship and so on. And while we could moralise about what they should’ve done and how it could’ve confused the kid etc, they are where they are now.

OP what grabbed me immediately from the thread title was how you were almost asking for permission to break up with someone you’re not happy with. Why? You’re never obligated to be with someone. Your description of how you feel around her isn’t the way you should be in a working relationship, and it’s not the way someone would want their partner to feel around them either. As difficult as the split may be emotionally, when it comes to should or shouldn’t you it seems open and shut. So ask yourself why you’re phrasing it as if you should feel forced to stay in this relationship you clearly don’t want to be in anymore?

ILoveYourVibes

Sonic the ....said

I'm getting vibes of shes wants the mortgage, more kids and marriage and already having a child she's pushing it hard with you now it hasn't worked out with the others

Not a dig at you btw

Women are a bit more love the one you are with. Men are ...different.

OP
I am not sure why you are being so passive.

You need to end this now.

You are only making it worse. For her your daughter and for you.

I get the impression you subconsciously feel ..that you should be with the mother of your child etc ...the framework is all there ..you are the dad ..you know her family etc.

You are going to hate this more and more as it goes on.

Agree with posters above. Sounds like she's hitting the age where she's panicking and wants to settle down. Societal pressure, ticking biological clock, fear of being 'alone', wanting 'security' etc etc can all contribute to this. Add in a history of depression/anxiety, and it's possible she's not even thinking clearly herself.

If you're not feeling it, for everyone's sake, you need to end it asap. From my own experience, once it's gone, it's gone. It's been a year; you're not going to magically do a 180 and fall back in love. Listen to your heart and gut with these kind of things -- they're never wrong.

LegacyUser

Can people stop trotting out the old maid desperate to find a man trope?? Where are they getting any indication that she's feeling pressure to settle or even wants more kids??

I'd understand if you were wanting to take it slow the first few month but cop on man ....its been a year, with a history of 10 years of relationship and friendship. Fair enough you made the decision in pain and later regretted it but please for the love of God dont try to convince yourself or her that it's somehow her fault for rushing things or she is wrong to assume ye are an item after a year and getting friends and family involved....don't do that to her, she'll think it her fault and try to limit her feelings with guys in the future and to feel she can't ask for any commitment even after a year is too much...admit you're just not feeling it and leave it at that.

ILoveYourVibes

Doodaaa wrote: »

Can people stop trotting out the old maid desperate to find a man trope?? Where are they getting any indication that she's feeling pressure to settle or even wants more kids??

I'd understand if you were wanting to take it slow the first few month but cop on man ....its been a year, with a history of 10 years of relationship and friendship. Fair enough you made the decision in pain and later regretted it but please for the love of God dont try to convince yourself or her that it's somehow her fault for rushing things or she is wrong to assume ye are an item after a year and getting friends and family involved....don't do that to her, she'll think it her fault and try to limit her feelings with guys in the future and to feel she can't ask for any commitment even after a year is too much...admit you're just not feeling it and leave it at that.

Im not blaming her.

but she is failing to read subtle hints. Which says she has no clue. I mean she is not getting the 'he is just not into you etc'vibes . And maybe she wouldn't be able to in this situation is difficult to say. Maybe there is nothing there to read behind the lines...

The op is being really passive.

He says he is not into her sexually so...if he is not there for sex. I mean he has to adult up and say look this is over and there is no chance its going to be on again.

I think the OP fears being 'the bad guy'. Nice guy syndrome.

Dumping someone is NEVER nice.

So while it might look to US like the right thing to do. It possible doesn't feel like that to the op.

KiKi III

Stop messing this woman around.

Tell her the full truth of how you feel. Show her this thread if you need to.

There’s no confusion here: You’re not attracted to her and avoiding spending time with her. It’s pretty obvious you don’t love her, so stop stringing her along.

If she does want more kids, every day you stay with her is a day you’re depriving her of the opportunity to meet someone who truly loves her and wants the same thing. And time is of the essence for her in that regard, whereas you have the luxury of being fertile for many years to come.

Stop messing her around, she deserves honesty. Have some courage.

Besides, the sooner you make a clean break, the better for your child who will soon be a teen and will be impacted as much or more than you and your partner by this.

ILoveYourVibes

KiKi III wrote: »

Stop messing this woman around.

Tell her the full truth of how you feel. Show her this thread if you need to.

There’s no confusion here: You’re not attracted to her and avoiding spending time with her. It’s pretty obvious you don’t love her, so stop stringing her along.

If she does want more kids, every day you stay with her is a day you’re depriving her of the opportunity to meet someone who truly loves her and wants the same thing. And time is of the essence for her in that regard, whereas you have the luxury of being fertile for many years to come.

Stop messing her around, she deserves honesty. Have some courage.

Besides, the sooner you make a clean break, the better for your child who will soon be a teen and will be impacted as much or more than you and your partner by this.

I agree.

Also the OP needs to take stock of his emotional awareness.

This and the relationship that was abusive makes me he think he has a serial habit of making poor life decisions.

That needs to be addressed.

Yellow pack crisps

If you’re avoiding her, you have your answer. You don’t seem confused, you just don’t fancy her anymore, that seems to be physically and mentally.

Emme

OP stop stringing this woman along. Perhaps she wants to get back to have a stable background for her daughter which is understandable. You're best to be straight and don't mess her around. Let her find somebody else. Whatever you do try to do the right thing by your daughter for maintenance etc. Maybe your ex's depression and anxiety will disappear when some of the uncertainty (you) disappears from her life.