Is this normal in a relationship

Anony19

I feel a bit stupid even posting this because it seems like a bit of a non issue.

I’m 22 and I have a girlfriend who’s 19. I am absolutely crazy about her and we really are best friends. Her family loves me and my family the same for her. 90% of the time things seem to be perfect. We have been together for 8 months.

I feel like the issue may be the fact that I can be quite anxious sometimes but sometimes she can be very inconsiderate of my feelings. For example, she knows I can be quite jealous and she will often pass comments about other men being attractive even though she knows it hurts my feelings. On the other hand, if I was to do the same thing about a woman she would react as if I had just cheated on her and ‘punish’ me by refusing to speak to me or let me go near her for maybe 30 mins.

She can also sometimes turn extremely cold towards me, refusing to reciprocate any showings of affection such as I love yous or even holding hands, then cut to an hour later and she’s talking about how she loves me and asking me to help her pick our future baby’s names. I know it sounds ridiculous but the fact that she has no issue in turning so cold towards me and hurting my feelings makes me question if she really does care about me sometimes.

I’m absolutely aware that this very well just be the reality of being in a relationship, and I think that would comfort me. It’s not the behaviour itself that bothers me so much, it’s the fear that she doesn’t love me like I think she does and that she may in the near future break up with me. If I knew this behaviour was normal in a relationship, I would have no issue as I wouldn’t have the anxiety of an impending heartbreak.

Am I turning her off by complimenting her and being nice to her all the time? I worry that sometimes I might need to be cold or distant myself so not to appear weak and unattractive, but I just can’t be mean to her.

I really hope that all makes sense. Please don’t laugh at me for making a mountain out of a molehill. Even after writing this I now believe in overthinking things wayyy too much.

leggo

Save yourself so many years of going through this stuff and wondering why and look up anxious-avoidant relationships.

In short to get to your issues specifically:
- You’re not crazy or imagining this, it’s a thing.
- Yes she is being deliberately cruel by going cold and ‘punishing’ you, or by making comments that would upset her if you said them. When I say deliberately it’s not as if she’s thinking “I’m going to be cruel now”, moreso that this is how she thinks it’s right to treat someone so you’ll ‘learn’ and become more invested in her (I bet that’s what happens when she goes cold right?)
- It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about/love you, this is what she’s learned is the normal way to love someone.
- You won’t change her, teach her or turn this around. This stuff is typically bred into us and even moreso a lot of ‘conventional’ dating advice recommends avoidant behaviour. You can, however, work on yourself and what made you attracted to the type of person most likely to hurt you.

But yeah, look it up. If you can learn to navigate and get past this at just 22, wow, you’ll have such a leg up on so many others! Good luck OP.

Anony19

leggo wrote: »

Save yourself so many years of going through this stuff and wondering why and look up anxious-avoidant relationships.

In short to get to your issues specifically:
- You’re not crazy or imagining this, it’s a thing.
- Yes she is being deliberately cruel by going cold and ‘punishing’ you, or by making comments that would upset her if you said them. When I say deliberately it’s not as if she’s thinking “I’m going to be cruel now”, moreso that this is how she thinks it’s right to treat someone so you’ll ‘learn’ and become more invested in her (I bet that’s what happens when she goes cold right?)
- It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about/love you, this is what she’s learned is the normal way to love someone.
- You won’t change her, teach her or turn this around. This stuff is typically bred into us and even moreso a lot of ‘conventional’ dating advice recommends avoidant behaviour. You can, however, work on yourself and what made you attracted to the type of person most likely to hurt you.

But yeah, look it up. If you can learn to navigate and get past this at just 22, wow, you’ll have such a leg up on so many others! Good luck OP.

Thanks for your reply. I did a short bit of reading about that relationship type after reading your post, and there certainly are many parallels I can see! In particular that the avoidant individual when confronted or told that their behaviour is hurtful they seem to detach and become even more distant and avoiding, this happens quite a lot with my girlfriend.

In fairness to her, she will usually address the issue after she has some time to think about it all, and she has told me on many occasions that she knows she can be “moody” and to please not take any notice and that she doesn’t at mean it.

I should also probably mention that back when she was in her Early teens her parents split up as it emerged her father was having an affair. She talks about it often and she took it very badly.

I suppose my question is, if an anxious-avoidant Relationship is what this is, can it work? I really love this girl and want this to work. I don’t think she’s a horrible person.

bobbyy gee

She put a post about you a few hours ago

Kaybaykwah

bobbyy gee wrote: »

She put a post about you a few hours ago

Yes. If he is the one, he doesn't mention the fact that he comments about other girls too, though, or that he comments on her chubbiness.

Either way, they do sound like two sides of the same coin hitting the ground.

bilbot79

bobbyy gee wrote: »

She put a post about you a few hours ago

That's just what I thought too 😂

Anony19

bobbyy gee wrote: »

She put a post about you a few hours ago

Good one, detective. I can assure you that is definitely not my girlfriend.

Edit: I really don’t understand how you came to this conclusion. Never once in my post did I mention making horrible comments to my girlfriend like described by that poster in the other thread. What are the parallels here?

Anony19

Kaybaykwah wrote: »

Yes. If he is the one, he doesn't mention the fact that he comments about other girls too, though, or that he comments on her chubbiness.

Either way, they do sound like two sides of the same coin hitting the ground.

Ah cmon, have you read that thread you’re referring to? The ages aren’t even the same. She clearly says there’s a 2 month age gap. If my maths is correct there’s a bit more than 2 months between me and my girlfriend.

I wouldn’t consider my relationship issue to be remotely as bad as the one from that thread.

It's not normal its something she has acquired from watching her parent's relationship which she is now molding on her own relationship. The only thing you can do is talk to her about it.

This is a great book and the fact that it is still published says it all.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Families-Survive-Them-Cedar-Books/dp/0749314109

https://spunout.ie/

croquemonsieur

Hi, this is the woman from that other thread that was mentioned here and despite the similar titles, definitely not this lad's girlfriend sorry. Still, small world!!

You probably shouldn't take advice from me of all people, but honestly she sounds really immature, even for a 19 year old. She might cop and grow out of this, but maybe you'd be better off with someone closer to your own age? You seem a lot more mature than her.

screamer

Sounds like a manipulative person OP. Game playing in a relationship should be a red flag. Life is hard enough without dramatic relationships. Speak directly with her in this, lay out what is and is not acceptable to you, and be prepared for the reply. She may tell you a few home truths too.

tara73

screamer wrote: »

Sounds like a manipulative person OP. Game playing in a relationship should be a red flag.

this OP. There are so many manilulative people out there, for whatever reasons, all kinds of, and she's definetely one of them. The most non-dramatic approach would be to call her moody, but she is in a non bearable way.


You could talk to her about it and see how it pans out for a few month but tbh I think people like this never really change.

bobbyy gee

croquemonsieur wrote: »

Hi, this is the woman from that other thread that was mentioned here and despite the similar titles, definitely not this lad's girlfriend sorry. Still, small world!!

You probably shouldn't take advice from me of all people, but honestly she sounds really immature, even for a 19 year old. She might cop and grow out of this, but maybe you'd be better off with someone closer to your own age? You seem a lot more mature than her.

maybe you 2 could start dating
solve 2 problems

Hannibal_Smith

fMod Note

Bobbyy gee In PI/RI, posters are asked to offer constructive advice to an OP, when they come here with an issue. Please remember this and read the Charter before posting in PI/RI again.

Thanks

HS

ILoveYourVibes

This is complex.

She sounds immature.

But at the same time ...this is a 22 yr old idea of a relationship ..the holding hands etc.

In reality no .....that's not the basis of a relationship. But at THIS stage in your life ....for your age it would be normal.

Holding hands etc and i love you's are not what make a person stay with you.
Being mean wont make her stay ...i mean it may not make her leave etc but it might make the relationship very up and down full of un needed drama even more than it is now.

What do you bring to the table in the relationship? that is what makes someone stay.

Too insecure people in a relationship is not a good match.

I wouldn't be mean to her.

I would tell her you need a break. Take some time apart.

IF she comes back ...she will probably behave better.

If not it wasn't meant to be.

By the way if you are saying ..you want her to be affectionate all the time ...that is not love ..that is wanting attention ...its draining and its not what adults do.