How to handle a situation without making a scene?

Wizard!

Hi all.
We recently bought a house in a small town, and a small estate, less than 100 houses and moved in mid Feb, just before the initial lockdown.
All of our neighbors are new also as the estate is still under development. We have met few of them and they all look nice. Since we are not tenants we try to have good relationships with all of them.


Once the restrictions eased, our kids started to go out and play. Our 6yo sons plays nice with most of the kids, but a 7yo girl. From my personal perspective she is not bad, but she is bossy and looks like she tries to prove she is the best and attract the attention on her all the time. This probably comes from her home.


My problem is that she is bullying our son, and more often than not, he comes inside really upset and wants to stay in, because of her. Couple of days ago, along with her classmate, they pushed him against the wall and start beating him...


My wife, tried to contact her mother few times, but her response was "tomorrow they will be best friends again", or "I am busy, don't come if it is not an emergency", or "they are kids, what do you expect", etc. They look like they don't care getting involved. Also I have heard them cursing on their children (they also have a son, 10yo), words like f*ck, b!tch, etc. They look nice, and that was a real surprise for us.


Another day, she called our son "sh!tboy" and my wife confronted her parents. It turned out that she complained to her father about our son and he told her "he is a s...".



We advised our little one to try to avoid her, but she gets most of the kids to follow her, and ask them not to involve him in the game. Thus he is all alone. It is hard for him, as he lost all of his friends, both school and neighborhood, we came here in a lockdown and now he cannot enjoy playing outside.


We already having sessions with a child psychologist before it gets off rails, but I don't know if I should handle the situation with her parents also.


Should I talk to them?
Should I handle the girl somehow?

iamwhoiam

They pushed your son against a wall and beat him . I would hammering on the childrens door and insisting to speak with the parents . I would be very insistent that this stops right now or you will be speaking to the Garda liason officer .
You are the boys voice , speak up and protect him .I would make a scene and make it loudly

XsApollo

The parents are a**holes.
Definitely need to have a proper word, provided they aren’t the type that you will regret doing that to.
As for kids it’s a very touchy situation I don’t advise going near the girl in anyway as that could escalate very quickly.
Kids are fickle and it could pass, are they in the same school? Same class?

Talk to the parents of the other girl that had him against the wall, they might be a bit more proactive or have morals.

The Royal Scam

If it happened in school go set up a meeting with teacher immediately. Make a note of what is happening all the time and take a look on the web for bullying supports as there is a few and they can direct you on how to deal with it.
You little one if far too young to be dealing with this.

Graham

Mod Note

OP I'm moving this to the Parenting forum as it's not really an accommodation & property topic.

Best of luck.

Note: New forum charter applies.

Wizard!

Thank you all for your input.

iamwhoiam wrote: »

You are the boys voice , speak up and protect him .I would make a scene and make it loudly

This is what I am trying to avoid... They will be next door for long since we are all owners.

XsApollo wrote: »

The parents are a**holes.

I wouldn't say that, more like they don't really care, until something wrong happens to their little ones.

XsApollo wrote: »

Definitely need to have a proper word, provided they aren’t the type that you will regret doing that to.

The seem to be normal parents, I mean, not bad people, or criminals, or anything near this.

XsApollo wrote: »

Kids are fickle and it could pass, are they in the same school? Same class?

Same school, same age, but different class.

The Royal Scam wrote: »

If it happened in school go set up a meeting with teacher immediately. Make a note of what is happening all the time and take a look on the web for bullying supports as there is a few and they can direct you on how to deal with it.


You little one if far too young to be dealing with this.

No, nothing at school. Only in the neighborhood, and not often. I mean, he will be upset of something she did almost everyday, but not that serious. But I am trying to prevent it from escalating, or causing an issue to my little one.

XsApollo

Well I would class them a**holes if they don’t care what their kids are doing.
Mine would not do that and know not to as its not tolerated.

Are the other kids in the neighbourhood in his class, they are only back to school so probably still forming bonds, if their are kids in his class from the neighbourhood I would have a word with the teacher and ask her to maybe get them at the same table for a while so they can sort of bond together, that friendship then will probably supersede the girl at home the boys might leave her by the wayside.
Boys and girls will tend to group with each other after a while I have found, noticeable with my own.

My 7 year old is a bit sensitive would be upset at stuff too. But there is a big group of boys that all hang around with other in our park all around the same age and he didn’t really want to go out with them in the summer because of it.
I don’t think it was much, just usual lad type behaviour.
But now he is back to school and a few of them are in the same class he is back out most evenings.

McCrack

iamwhoiam wrote: »

They pushed your son against a wall and beat him . I would hammering on the childrens door and insisting to speak with the parents . I would be very insistent that this stops right now or you will be speaking to the Garda liason officer .
You are the boys voice , speak up and protect him .I would make a scene and make it loudly

Eh calm down, they're children, these things happen. It's character building rather than a child being consistently molly coddled, important lessons in life start at an early age and one of those is an ability to stand up for oneself rather than the parent making a ruckus and going to speak with the "garda liason officer"

iamwhoiam

McCrack wrote: »

Eh calm down, they're children, these things happen. It's character building rather than a child being consistently molly coddled, important lessons in life start at an early age and one of those is an ability to stand up for oneself rather than the parent making a ruckus and going to speak with the "garda liason officer"

No , I wont calm down just because you have a different opinion to me . I am entitled to mine . If the parents dont listen and stop their child beating another I would be creating a ruckas for my child

zoe 3619

McCrack wrote: »

Eh calm down, they're children, these things happen. It's character building rather than a child being consistently molly coddled, important lessons in life start at an early age and one of those is an ability to stand up for oneself rather than the parent making a ruckus and going to speak with the "garda liason officer"

He's six.
If he was my son I'd like him to know I had his back.
Bit of slagging maybe but putting him up against a wall and beating is going way too far.

McCrack

iamwhoiam wrote: »

No , I wont calm down just because you have a different opinion to me . I am entitled to mine . If the parents dont listen and stop their child beating another I would be creating a ruckas for my child

Don't get overexcited then

And try not fight your childrens battles, not good for them long term

iamwhoiam

McCrack wrote: »

Don't get overexcited then

And try not fight your childrens battles, not good for them long term

Mine are married with their own children thanks for the advice !!! They are all fine

Neyite

Not as extreme as your situation but we moved to an estate that had a few kids next door where there were settling in issues similar to yours. The boy was quite rough with my son and my son's toys, and one of the girls was just bossy and would ruin whatever they were playing. Parent's couldn't be any more relaxed about the wars.

Anyway, small village, I wanted to keep it peaceful as I could. I also thought it was no harm for my son to learn how to stand up for himself. So there was chats with him letting him know it's ok not to share any toys, that just to come home if he wasn't happy with a game or how they treated him.

Meanwhile, it kind of evolved that my son's toys were a big behaviour incentive for the kids themselves. He minds his stuff and next door's lot wreck all their stuff, plus kids love playing with toys they don't have. I keep them in our house/garden, they are allowed to play with whatever the son wants them to play with but any rough behaviour the the game ends and they get sent out to play without the toys. The bossy one loves the lego box, and the painting sets, but again, wreck it, and I'll throw you out :pac:. The rough lad loves the nerf guns, so now they want to play with him.

A few months on from that on he became well able to hold his own and stand up to them when he needs to.

If I were you, if boy X is violent, then you invite boy Y over for a play date and make sure that anything that X is into is played with. Make it a memorable play-date. Do it a few times with all the other kids so that your boy develops friendships away from Bossy-Boot's interference. Then when he does go out to play, his friends won't want to abandon him on her command. Divide and conquer :pac:.

The others might be waiting for their invite and if they are anything like the kids here they'll ask you straight - and that's when you just say that you didn't think they were friends because they never wanted to play with him and you only ask his friends over for play dates, but if they ever become your son's friend they'd obviously be invited over. For example, our bossy one was seething when another little neighbour got invited to see a kitten we were pet-sitting and she didn't. It's kind of more carrot than stick but it worked for us. It might not work on the kids local to you but it's another strategy to consider.

Cabaal

To be honest, getting the gardai involved is a sure way to turn lots of parents against you and for those same parents to tell their kids to avoid the child.

It's over the top, if you can't as an adult talk to another adult then it's a lost cause to begin with

Wizard!

Cabaal wrote: »

To be honest, getting the gardai involved is a sure way to turn lots of parents against you and for those same parents to tell their kids to avoid the child.

Wasn't planning to.

Cabaal wrote: »

It's over the top, if you can't as an adult talk to another adult then it's a lost cause to begin with

My issue is not to talk to another adult, is that (obviously) I am not Irish and I want to make sure that I understand the culture and relationships here.


I am trying to go with @Neyite 's plan and see how it goes.

Wizard!

New episode on the series...

The last couple of days, they were playing all the kids together. Yesterday, she knocked our door and asked him to get out and play together.
Today though, my wife got out the the shower, she went to close the window and she saw her, slapping our son, with no reason whatsoever!
She immediately screamed to her, "Why did you slap him???!!!", closed the window and came downstairs to get out (she was wearing a towel... :rolleyes: )

So, I asked her why she is shouting, I went out, took our little one from the hand and walked to their door, while all the other children where confirming what happened and that she immediately went back in their back yard to hide.

Her mom came to the door, her dad wasn't there, I apologized for bothering them and told her what happened. Little one came at the front crying, and saying "I already said sorry", her mom told her to ask again, she did, and then we left.

But... They didn't want to leave it there... Her dad knocked on our door about 15 minutes later...

He told me that we shouldn't complain, that my wife shouted before to their daughter, and if it keeps happening, he will have to ask his daughter not to play again with our son, and that would divide the neighbor, etc.

I kinda felt like I am being warned, like it was our fault, while obviously their kid has issues. And I am not sure if that hitting and slapping comes from them. We have never hit any of our kids, and they never do it either.

XsApollo

Look, do not shout at other people’s kids, even tho you are right, people are very defensive about their children and it won’t end well.

When the child called and ye answered you could of said well he not sure he wants to go out because you keep hitting him all the time or something and let her know.
She might stop a bit now anyway seeing as it’s out in the open and that ye have responded.

I don’t know why you defend the father in a few of your posts as you can see from his response again.

But yea don’t go screaming at other people’s children, people do not like that.

Wizard!

XsApollo wrote: »

I don’t know why you defend the father in a few of your posts as you can see from his response again.

Not actually defending him, or them. More like to explain, that they look like a typical couple, not some drag/alcohol addicts, or low lifers. I mean the kind of people you expect to be nice.

XsApollo

Wizard! wrote: »

Not actually defending him, or them. More like to explain, that they look like a typical couple, not some drag/alcohol addicts, or low lifers. I mean the kind of people you expect to be nice.

Never judge a book by its cover :-D

But yea you did the right thing by brining them to the door the moment you saw it, it’s what I would be doing everytime.

Godeatsboogers

Very similar thing happened my brother, first he told the kids in not such nice words to leave his son alone, then he told the parents exactly what he said to their kids and why, again in not such a nice tone and the bullying promptly ended. I should add my brother, although very polite and respectable, would at one time have been quite a high level criminal before he found christianity. The parents knew this, the kids didnt.

GG66

Awkward situation. Sympathise.

Is he getting more attention as the new kid? Could she be jealous?

We've had conversations about not being bullied or not being bullies. We can't assume our kids are always the good guys.

My kids are the same age and I've a few levels of escalation. I teach them to:

1. Always tell me but don't expect me to get involved. I'm hear if they need me but they can solve it themselves.

2. Tell the other child loudly to stop it or we can't be friends. It's surprising how much they used this and it worked. Probably because they have other friends and aren't isolated. Kids get rough, some are rougher than others. Mine are sensitive.

3. If that doesn't work escalate it. Tell the teacher or the childs parents directly themselves. Child to adult. They've done this if they find other kids are too rough, dragging them or hitting them. It happens, kids are learning boundaries, some quicker than others.

4. If it continues, it's time for me to speak directly with the other parents, but don't do it when angry or upset. It's inevitably confrontational. Calm down and find the best time to say it to them quietly.

5. If all the above fails, I'm prepared to tell my kids to meet force with force and defend themselves even if they're physically weaker. Repeated bullying happens when a child is perceived as a weak target. Bullies won't target kids who stick up for themselves. They've never had to do this.

When parents go head to head it can go all wrong. All parents think their kids are precious. Try other tactics that allow the kids to work it out if possible.

Wizard!

GG66 wrote: »

2. Tell the other child loudly to stop it or we can't be friends. It's surprising how much they used this and it worked. Probably because they have other friends and aren't isolated. Kids get rough, some are rougher than others. Mine are sensitive.

Mine is sensitive too. He shouted multiple times to that girl to stop hitting him, and that came back as a boomerang, cause her dad told us today, that he is shouting at her. But then, I didn't know the reason he does that, after I explained the situation, he told me "I am shouting to stop hitting me!".


So I am getting a complaint about the shouting, but that is a result of the hitting.


He is not actually the new kid, as the oldest is couple of months before, and during the winter, therefore not much play outside. When we first moved in, he was the only child available to play and they were doing it daily to our house or hers. Once the weather got better, all the kids were out and they met.

Neyite

Wizard! wrote: »

Mine is sensitive too. He shouted multiple times to that girl to stop hitting him, and that came back as a boomerang, cause her dad told us today, that he is shouting at her. But then, I didn't know the reason he does that, after I explained the situation, he told me "I am shouting to stop hitting me!".

So I am getting a complaint about the shouting, but that is a result of the hitting.

He is not actually the new kid, as the oldest is couple of months before, and during the winter, therefore not much play outside. When we first moved in, he was the only child available to play and they were doing it daily to our house or hers. Once the weather got better, all the kids were out and they met.

I'm with your wife. She (and you!) have EVERY right to tell a child to stop hitting yours. And every right to go straight to the door to tell the parent. It's the dad that's the dickhead here. The mother seems at least a bit reasonable, but overruled by her partner. Well if you aren't allowed to knock their door, then I'd just keep them apart. That way their little monster cant hit and your child can't 'shout'

Next time she comes knocking for your son, open the door with a death stare and tell her firmly "no, he's not coming out to play with you" and just shut the door on her immediately.

The evenings will get dark soon enough so you should have a bit of a reprieve from outside playing soon. Then use the time to do play-dates indoors with the nice kids so he can establish his own circle of friends by the time the weather improves again next year, and if you network yourself with the other parents where you can, you'll probably find that they have a few stories of their own about that dad.

HildaOgdenx

Neyite wrote: »

I'm with your wife. She (and you!) have EVERY right to tell a child to stop hitting yours. And every right to go straight to the door to tell the parent. It's the dad that's the dickhead here. The mother seems at least a bit reasonable, but overruled by her partner. Well if you aren't allowed to knock their door, then I'd just keep them apart. That way their little monster cant hit and your child can't 'shout'

Next time she comes knocking for your son, open the door with a death stare and tell her firmly "no, he's not coming out to play with you" and just shut the door on her immediately.

The evenings will get dark soon enough so you should have a bit of a reprieve from outside playing soon. Then use the time to do play-dates indoors with the nice kids so he can establish his own circle of friends by the time the weather improves again next year, and if you network yourself with the other parents where you can, you'll probably find that they have a few stories of their own about that dad.

100% agree. OP, your wife was absolutely right. Imagine what message that other child would take from the fact that she was seen hitting your child by his mother, but his mother said nothing.
I have seen where I live, one little guy, other kids are dropped off to play with him. He was bullied out of the circle he used to be with, so the parents just keep him out of it, and obviously encourage other friendships instead.

I would not be letting that other child ever have an opportunity again, to hit or otherwise mistreat your child. Keep a close eye anytime he is out and about, and as Neyite said, there will be less of the playing out in the coming weeks and months. Make good use of the time to help him to mix safely with other children.

cruais

Sorry to jump in on a thread here. I fully sympathise with you op.

We are going thru something similar.

My son is 5 and started school this year. The boys in his class all get along great and play together.

After school We head to the playground along with most of his class.

Lately,there is a boy who my son was close with at the start of the school year. He is Molly coddled, however, that is nothing to do with me as it wasn't affecting my son etc.

This boy is very mannerly etc but when he doesn't get his own way he blows a fuse. I'm not saying my son is an angel either but at the end of the day they are 5. Things will seem a bigger deal to them than what they really are.

The other day, they were all together setting up teams for a game. My son said he wanted a particular boy on his team. The original boy i have been talking about said no he was on his team. This went back and forth, when all of a sudden the boy blew a fuse and screamed in my son's face really loud. My son pushed him away and the kid went back to fight. The parent jumped in all panicky shouting stop it.

My son got very upset crying and told me that this boy hurt his feelings. I calmed the situation down and all was back to normal. A few minutes later this boy called my son a name. My son told the boys mam who went to ask him. He denied it.

She came up to me and said that her son didn't call him that name. I said well look, they're only the age they are. ( I felt she was making a mountain out of a molehill). She stormed over to my son and shouted his name to say that her son didn't say anything. My son said he did call him that and he obviously didn't wanna tell the truth.

I intervened and said could we just all move on and be friends again. However the mother challenged my son again saying her son didn't say it. At this point I said that neither of us where there and didn't hear what was said so could we just leave it. She tried to question me so I just told my son we where leaving to go home as I just thought the whole thing was being blown out of proportion. She stopped talking then.

After, I had two parents asking was my son ok. They saw the whole thing.

It has been on my mind ever since. I think she completely over reacted and particularly to challenge a 5 year old the way she did. I'm of the opinion that it was a silly thing to begin with. I wasn't challenging her on her son screaming in my son's face.

I want to leave it and say no more on the situation but unfortunately this isn't the first time she can be quite arrogant to my son. My husband thinks now is the time to tell her to stop speaking like that. I just don't want the drama.