What to do about distant friend

I love my best friend (of 18 years) but she’s so distant. She sometimes takes ages to reply to my messages and I feel like she could easily go months without seeing me and not be bothered, (because this has happened before) whereas I’d miss her. I see this pattern in her romantic relationships, she always pushes people away.

At the same time I know she loves me, she tells me this a lot, and when we see each other it’s always lovely.

I guess I just always feel like the needy one when I reach out but really, I think I’m just communicating healthily with someone who has attachment issues. (She had a pretty difficult childhood).

Lately I’m becoming resentful of her being so detached. I feel like if I stopped contacting her she wouldn’t even notice. It’s hurtful.

Bringing it up isn’t an option as it would push her away further for sure.

What do I do? I’m sick of feeling like the one always reaching out to her. Advice welcome.

Coralcoras

I do this to my friends too. It’s because of ADHD for me. Having to socialise just feels like a chore as the social plan draws closer.

There could be some psychological reason for the behaviour.

sparklinglens wrote: »

I love my best friend (of 18 years) but she’s so distant. She sometimes takes ages to reply to my messages and I feel like she could easily go months without seeing me and not be bothered, (because this has happened before) whereas I’d miss her. I see this pattern in her romantic relationships, she always pushes people away.

At the same time I know she loves me, she tells me this a lot, and when we see each other it’s always lovely.

I guess I just always feel like the needy one when I reach out but really, I think I’m just communicating healthily with someone who has attachment issues. (She had a pretty difficult childhood).

Lately I’m becoming resentful of her being so detached. I feel like if I stopped contacting her she wouldn’t even notice. It’s hurtful.

Bringing it up isn’t an option as it would push her away further for sure.

What do I do? I’m sick of feeling like the one always reaching out to her. Advice welcome.

TP_CM

Sometimes our friends are only friends because they share the same workplace, school, town, or club as us and that link is the main thing holding it together. The glue of the relationship can quickly melt if that link is no longer there

It isn't great for our mental health to be chasing these types of relationships. Instead, as adults, we need to accept that sometimes bonds weaken, other friendships are made, and people move on. The amount of years is a factor but only a slight one since people are changing all the time.

The harsh reality which is better to accept than fight is that this girl needs less from the friendship now than you do and she is perfectly entitled to be that way. It happens us all, it isn't nice and dare I say it's not very fair but it does happen and the best thing to do, much like dating, is go out and find as many friends as possible. Be friendly, confident, adventurous, and better friends will come along.

HildaOgdenx

I've had a friend like that, where I was the one making the contact, and booking the table if we were to meet up for a meal. I let things drift, tbh, because it felt like, maybe they weren't interested in keeping the friendship going. If I contacted them this minute, they would be delighted. But they wouldn't make the effort to contact me. We would always have a great time when we met alright.

There's some saying about friendship being like a garden, that it needs tending, and I think that's true.

Friendships evolve and change, as we go through life. It can be harder to meet, as life circumstances change, new partners, babies, change of location. But with a little effort on both sides, it can work.

So, OP, I suppose you could put the onus on her, and see how that goes. Suggest turn and turn about, in relation to making arrangements. And if she does nothing, I guess that is your answer, difficult as it may be.

I agree with pp also, about being open to new friendships.

Schnooks

I also had a friend of about 20 years like that, I was even best man at his wedding!

For about 15 years it was nearly always me who contacted him. Often we would arrange to meet up and he wouldn't turn up, no call, no explanation, he "just changed his mind" when I'd inquire as to why, or "got a better offer" at home with the missus. His wife used to give out to him for not being more proactive in maintaining the friendship! He didn't really have any other friends and I did my best to include him in my wider group, who accepted him readily.

For the last couple of years of our contact, I never arranged to meet him alone, as I would often as not just be sitting at a bar on my own not knowing whether he was going to turn up or not. I always arranged to meet as part of a group
After the last incident of this type, I made a decision to not contact him again, and was going to see if he contacted me - he never did. So I then knew where we stood and it was almost a relief not to have to do any running to include him anymore.

Truth be told, we didn't have much in common anymore anyway. All we ever had was that we went to college together, did alot of hill walking, chased women and drank together. I have no animosity towards him, went to his Dad's funeral a couple of years ago and it was like we had never lost contact, such was the chat and genuine warmth from him. But I did not contact him in the aftermath, and nor did he.

So OP I would say let it up to your friend to make contact, don't do any more running after them. And if they don't, then you know where you stand, as upsetting as it may be.

zoobizoo

sparklinglens wrote: »

Lately I’m becoming resentful of her being so detached. I feel like if I stopped contacting her she wouldn’t even notice. It’s hurtful.

Bringing it up isn’t an option as it would push her away further for sure.

I have friends who are like that - I made the decision to keep in touch with them because when we do meet up, we have a good time.

I brought it up with said friend 20 years ago and he agreed that he wasn't the most proactive and I wasn't going to force him to change.

Bringing it up with your friend might give clarity on the situation. There will always be different levels of pro-activity in friendships.

Then you can reposition your friend / friendship instead of getting resentful when she doesn't contact you.


People on here often say "dump them - they're not your friend".... maybe that is the case but more often than not, some people are just a bit lazy and the older we get the lazier we can become.

If you enjoy her company sporadically, then get in touch with her sporadically to meet up.

But don't expect her to change and to live up to your standards of what a close friend is (and I'm not criticising you here)

Tork

zoobizoo wrote: »

Bringing it up with your friend might give clarity on the situation. There will always be different levels of pro-activity in friendships.

Have you ever actually done this? It's not something I've ever experienced and I'd hate to be put on the spot. If somebody I wasn't that pushed about being in regular contact with asked me a question like that, I'd make up bull**** about being busy or something.

Airyfairy12

I have a friend like this, we've been friends for over 20 years, we can go months and months with no contact yet meet at the drop of the hat and its like we saw each other yesterday. Friendships can go in and out of close contact depending on whats going on in each others lives, you may be distant now but in 6 months could be close again. Go with the flow, do your own thing and dont take it so personally.

I am me123

TP_CM wrote: »

Sometimes our friends are only friends because they share the same workplace, school, town, or club as us and that link is the main thing holding it together. The glue of the relationship can quickly melt if that link is no longer there

It isn't great for our mental health to be chasing these types of relationships. Instead, as adults, we need to accept that sometimes bonds weaken, other friendships are made, and people move on. The amount of years is a factor but only a slight one since people are changing all the time.

The harsh reality which is better to accept than fight is that this girl needs less from the friendship now than you do and she is perfectly entitled to be that way. It happens us all, it isn't nice and dare I say it's not very fair but it does happen and the best thing to do, much like dating, is go out and find as many friends as possible. Be friendly, confident, adventurous, and better friends will come along.

Too true. I think for the most part, friendships only exist when the glue of where the friendship originated from is still there; i.e; school, college or work,etc. When push comes to shove, people move on, life will always keep moving along, and you wont always be moving with you unfortunately. Conversations will generally eventually dry up when the common thread is no longer there between people. All part of life & growing up, the 'natural progression' if you will.

zoobizoo

Tork wrote: »

Have you ever actually done this? It's not something I've ever experienced and I'd hate to be put on the spot. If somebody I wasn't that pushed about being in regular contact with asked me a question like that, I'd make up bull**** about being busy or something.

Yes I have.

And after having a chat I realised that he was just like that with all his friends.

20 years on, we're still friends . He's still crap at initiating nights out but when we do get together we have a great night and a good laugh.

Regular contact wasn't needed to keep the friendship going.

Tork

I'm glad it worked for you. If somebody asked me a question like that and asked me to explain myself, I would bitterly resent it.

Augme

I am the type of person like your friend OP. I have friends but I also don't really need them to be happy either. I like my own company and I have a lot of hobbies/things I like doing in my own.

As the years have gone by I have drifted away from a lot of my friends and the levels of contact I have with isn't that much. I'm perfectly happy with this, doesn't bother me. I've no idea how they feel, and honestly, I am not that pushed either. As I've gotten older I am much more concious about doing things I like to do and nothing to things for the sake of doing them too.

I don't see it as a reflection in them and if I knew they were still sitting there waiting for me to contact them or upset I'd just tell then to get over it and move on tbh. I think your friend has made it clear what kind of friendship she is happy with, it's now up to you tod decide if you are happy with that too. If you aren't then I'd suggest you move ones and make an effort to find new friends.

JustAThought

Tork wrote: »

I'm glad it worked for you. If somebody asked me a question like that and asked me to explain myself, I would bitterly resent it.

Why? Being put on the spot for bad social behaviour in standing a friend up or being unreliable/ treating a friend like dirt/ no respect for their or for their time ?

OP hs had lots of really good advise here - it might be an idea to maybe find something lowish cost that you can both enjoy - gig/ free band nights/ earlybird & cinema - I fing with some
old friends we go round in loops about the past and I lrefer to build something new we can enjoy without just drinking or talking about the past. Might work? But then s/he might be hedging going out because money is tight - I have a friend who thinks nothing of dropping e200 a night in taxis to obscure far off venues, rounds of cocktails and a meal always ‘suggested’ or take away for the route home - I can’t justify that spend and often blow her off unless I can control the venue/situation so I can keep it within a e40 or so budget. Maybe your friend has big overheads/ is saving / can’t justify the cost? Either way you can find cheaper things to do but if s/he never returns calls to chat this is a but of a hazzard light - unless you only ring to ask them to go out & they are afraid of it costing them!!!! I also had a friend ( or two) who were always on diets and you woiod have to drag them out because they were so afraid of the calories in drinks and they didn’t want to be the killjoy sipping minerals - coffee has no calories so we changed tack about where we met and this was very successful!

Beechwoodspark

Have had a similar experience

Friend i met through working with them.

Drifted apart but Anytime we did actually meet up he’d suggest big elaborate plans of what we should do - weekends away etc.

I felt at one time it was me doing all the “running” so made a conscious decision to stop instigating things with him, let him do it if he wished

Castlekeeper

Do whatever your comfortable with and forget about the resentment. If that means one side does the running, so be it, and if that doesn't suit stop running. There's no heed for blame or to talk about it, things pan out the same anyway.

Tork

JustAThought wrote: »

Why? Being put on the spot for bad social behaviour in standing a friend up or being unreliable/ treating a friend like dirt/ no respect for their or for their time ?

Now you're twisting things. I have never been unreliable, stood a friend up or treated them like dirt. And if somebody does these things, they're not really a friend. The worst thing any of my friends have ever done is backed out of a group night out at short notice and that doesn't happen very often.

What I was getting at was that I do not want to have to explain myself to somebody who wants me to spend more time with them than I want to. It has never happened to me because I'm not needy, I don't have needy friends and we're all grown up enough to understand we have lives to live.

Anyway, enough about me. OP, do you have other friends? Reading between the lines, I get the impression that maybe you don't have many other friends and are too dependent on this one. And that maybe you're asking too much of her? It might suit you better to accept that she's happier with intermittent contact and leave it at that.

Irish_peppa

OP I have/had a 20 year "friend" like that, Started acting very cool with me some time ago... Vague answers to meeting up "yeah must meet up sure organise something over XXX holiday" Then I would give a shout and say are you free next week, "not sure... try organise something again Ill let you know" Then no response. Always, always up to me to initiate any interaction.
This went on for a while then I finally said,, I am coming across as a right tulip here.
So I decided to throw the ball in the friends court. Didnt text call or message her since last invite out for a bbq catch up (which of course she was able to side step as she was wallpapering for a week!).
Have not heard from my friend in over 2 years...... My two cents anyway. It becomes a bit embarresing to chase people like that. Not sure if its some sort of silly power/ego thing. As I know shes not overly busy as we have links through other people. Cest la vie!
Leave her too it and move on:cool:

Psychiatric Patrick

sparklinglens wrote: »

I love my best friend (of 18 years) but she’s so distant. She sometimes takes ages to reply to my messages and I feel like she could easily go months without seeing me and not be bothered, (because this has happened before) whereas I’d miss her. I see this pattern in her romantic relationships, she always pushes people away.

At the same time I know she loves me, she tells me this a lot, and when we see each other it’s always lovely.

I guess I just always feel like the needy one when I reach out but really, I think I’m just communicating healthily with someone who has attachment issues. (She had a pretty difficult childhood).

Lately I’m becoming resentful of her being so detached. I feel like if I stopped contacting her she wouldn’t even notice. It’s hurtful.

Bringing it up isn’t an option as it would push her away further for sure.

What do I do? I’m sick of feeling like the one always reaching out to her. Advice welcome.

Can you arrange to meet and tell her this?

Might do you both good.

When I'm with best friend you couldn't get her away from me with a team of horses on rocket skates but will she respond to a text message? Not for months.