Friends with benefits, pros and cons

cda

I haven't dated seriously for the past 3 years, after breaking up a long relationship. I'm a female in mid 30's, and I can't seem to connect with most people. I am still in touch with my ex, and I am sure he would be up to the idea of meeting for sex and then go our separate ways. I am positive I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but sex was never the problem. Part of me wants to have regular sex again, part of me is afraid. Any thoughts?

Wanderer78

cda wrote:

I haven't dated seriously for the past 3 years, after breaking up a long relationship. I'm a female in mid 30's, and I can't seem to connect with most people. I am still in touch with my ex, and I am sure he would be up to the idea of meeting for sex and then go our separate ways. I am positive I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but sex was never the problem. Part of me wants to have regular sex again, part of me is afraid. Any thoughts?

With the ex would probably get messy, and not good messy, plenty of avenues available for women in that game, just be careful

SusieBlue

If it’s just no strings sex you want, the very worst person you could do that with is with your ex long term partner. These things can be messy enough as it is without adding that kind of dynamic and history to the mix.

I’m sure you could meet another like minded individual if you looked, and that would be a far safer bet and less drama than involving yourself with your ex again.

Pauliedragon

cda wrote: »

I haven't dated seriously for the past 3 years, after breaking up a long relationship. I'm a female in mid 30's, and I can't seem to connect with most people. I am still in touch with my ex, and I am sure he would be up to the idea of meeting for sex and then go our separate ways. I am positive I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but sex was never the problem. Part of me wants to have regular sex again, part of me is afraid. Any thoughts?

It's very easy these days to organise one off sex sessions online if it's just sex you want. Maybe that could be a bit messy too with STDs covid etc and strangers but the ex could be jumping into bed with randoms too.. I know a few people both male and female who do it regularly with no issues. I wouldn't personally with an ex.

Dial Hard

Friends with benefits can be a great set-up and tbh it would suit me down to the ground as I have very little interest in a relationship.

However, I don't think an ex you had an actual relationship with is the right candidate. As others have said, there's just far too much scope for it to get messy, exes are usually ex for a reason and generally one party was left harbouring feelings in the aftermath that are likely to come roaring back if you start hooking up again.

Not really sure how FWB can work in a Covid-19 world but if we were in normal times I'd be saying have a look through your contact list for someone you might have hooked up with casually in the past, enjoyed but didn't pursue for reasons that weren't particularly fraught, drop them a WhatsApp and go from there.

LilacNails

Not messing, but if your just looking for a hook up, I suggest tinder and just be straight up about what your looking for if u get chatting to someone.

Have a chat with some of the more prolific posters in Current Affairs to see if you spark with any of them. You'd be doing everyone a favour.

Seriously though, I'd imagine tinder would be the best approach. Ex sex is never a good idea.

Have fun!

Segotias

Ex Sex is never a good idea, one party usually has the old feelings surfacing and ends up getting hurt all over again.

With regard to a FWB, I've done it in the past and its worked fine once you agree on what it means to both of you. For some people its just a booty call when suits both and not much other interaction. For others it involves doing things that friends do, meeting up, hanging out etc, you're just adding sex to the mix, lines can sometimes become blurred here.

Make the decision as to they way you want it and stick to it with no expectations, if you start to develop feelings get out of it, its rare they're mutual, does happen but not often.

For me personally I've had my fill of FWB type set ups, it feels like I'm only wanted for sex which is the case in FWB but I'm finding it in all interaction with the opposite sex. So I've stepped back from it all.

Enjoy whatever you decide!!

leggo

Segotias wrote: »

Ex Sex is never a good idea, one party usually has the old feelings surfacing and ends up getting hurt all over again.

This is the conventional wisdom, and I guess the same could be true of all FWB situations to a point: there’s no natural progression or end point that’s not messy, so you just continue on until someone meets someone and it has to end possibly before the other is cool with it, or feelings develop on one side because that’s what happens when you spend enough time with someone intimately.

Having said that, I’ve had success in FWB situations with exes. But you can only really see it as a short-term thing, to put it crudely it’s literally a game-by-game contract that you have to be willing (even happy) to walk away from at a moment’s notice the second it starts to feel wrong.

It’s also weird in that there has to be a super specific ratio of liking and hating the person at the same time: if you just like them one or both of you will end up falling into the “Why didn’t this work out” zone en route to being reminded the hard way exactly why it didn’t work out the second you start to let your guard down. So yeah you have to constantly know why you’re not together to avoid that but also enjoy each other’s company enough to make it worthwhile. For example with one ex I did FWB with for a while was quite loud and opinionated which could grate easily. But we got on really well in tiny doses and that wasn’t an issue during sex. Then they’d wreck my head again within minutes after sex and I’d have to almost shoo them away.

And that works because of the last and most important point: you have to be fully over each other and BRUTALLY honest about your feelings, negative ones included. You have to be able to both be comfortable saying out straight that it’s not going to be a reunion, have accepted the differences that make you not work and aren’t resisting that or trying to ‘change’ it, and so on. In a weird way it can be really nice, intimate and freeing being able to turn around to someone and be like “you’re wrecking my head right now, this is why we aren’t together” and have it just be accepted, whereas when you’re with them you either fight or grin & bear things that grate. This part sounds great but it’s tough in practise and requires a lot of water under the bridge.

So yeah, it can be done, but again only in my experience on a short-term, pay-to-play basis that you’re comfortable walking from at a moment’s notice. For me it helped me out either in times I was in a bad way after break ups and needed intimacy, or just when I was a bit lonely but not together enough to start up anything new. But it’s not for everyone and does need some really specific circumstances to work, so know your and your ex’s limits and be real or you’re just going to end up either hurt or hurting them unnecessarily.

LegacyUser

IMO there's nothing wrong with a fwb arrangement as long as both people accept 100% that it's just for sex and nothing else.

As far as sex with the ex is concerned, imo that would depend on how well you know each other from when you were an item. If both of you are sure the other will accept it for what it is - sex only - then there shouldn't be any harm in going with it.