I did a terrible thing

LegacyUser

So before I start please be kind I know what I did is terrible and believe me I have suffered. I can't sleep sometimes and it just upsets me so much. I also suffer with anxiety and low self esteem issues but none of them are any excuse.

Not long ago I signed up to a dating app but because of my low self esteem and confidence in myself I used someone else's picture's.I just wanted to see what was out there and no way did I expect what happened.

So I got chatting to a few guys nothing major until I met this particular guy and we just hit it off straight away. We had a lot in common we understood eachother. So I knew it was wrong and I made my excuses and stopped talking to him but then he came back again and I don't know why but I started talking to him again and again we got on great.

So we'd been talking for a few weeks constantly and then he suggests meeting up and obviously I knew it couldn't happen because of the picture not being me so in the end he got sick of me and stopped talking to me but I started to like him and he told me he liked me too and now I can't get him out of my head.

I wonder if I should just tell him about the pics. Whether he would want anything to do with me is another story but atleast then I would know. I miss him every day.

I wonder sometimes if he did know it wasn't me but he never said anything. I never set out to do it.

Btw I'm getting help for my issues now.

So should I tell him or leave it be?

LegacyUser

Whose photos are you using? Not exactly fair on that person have you any consideration for their privacy and their own love lives. Ireland is a small place like. Forget your man, start from scratch with own photos.

hayoc

Leave it be.

It would be a terrible blow to you if you contacted him, let him see the real you and he wasnt interested - dating apps are shallow.

micks_address

hayoc wrote: »

Leave it be.

It would be a terrible blow to you if you contacted him, let him see the real you and he wasnt interested - dating apps are shallow.

Where's the harm in explaining the situation. If it doesn't work out nothing nothing lost.

Sardonicat

Leave it be, OP.

Maybe set up a new profile with an actual pic of yourself. Who's pic did you use? Was it some random pic off the interwebbs or was it someone you know?

Zarco

Depends if the pic is a 9 and you're a 5

CorkBlackbird

Leave it be and stop cat fishing

Princess Calla

There's really two issues here.

Does the person who's picture you used know that you used their picture? This could have some very negative repercussions for them, especially if they are in a relationship and someone sees "their profile" online.

I'd be taking that photo down pronto.

Second, you've probably lost the guy, so you have absolutely nothing to lose by coming clean. At the very least you will give him a legitimate reason as to why, his head is probably melted thinking why things are falling apart when they seemed to be going well.

Best case scenario he'll take it at face value and maybe give you a chance.

You won't know until you tell him.

Good luck.

hayoc

micks_address wrote: »

Where's the harm in explaining the situation. If it doesn't work out nothing nothing lost.

Given that the OP has already stated low self esteem - it could be a knock back and impact on her more negatively than it should.

bitofabind

For most self-respecting people this is going to be a dealbreaker OP. Don't fool yourself about him 'already knowing'. It's not a normal or healthy thing to do at all.

My advice would be: 1. take the photos down and close the account immediately. It's not fair on the woman whose photos you're using and ethics aside, this is fraud. And 2. try to use this as a catalyst for finding the help you need to deal with your poor self-esteem. Let it be your rockbottom. Once you're emotionally healthy with a stronger sense of self-confidence, you'll have the opportunity to meet plenty of great guys like this. But key - you'll be meeting them as you, not as someone you're pretending to be.

LegacyUser

Op here.

It has been deleted quite a while ago in fact and I will never ever do it again.

It was just some pic from the net just an average looking woman nothing over the top. If anything I'm probably better looking, I'm slim I've a good figure I excercise but I still feel inferior it's probably the years of bullying I endured in school but as I said I'm seeking help finally.

sunshinew

I'd leave it be I'm afraid. I've been online dating a lot and it's tough out there. It's hard enough showing up on a date and realising the person has used the one great photo of themselves from 10 years ago...
It's not just about looks, you often build up an idea of what you think the person will be like from their photos and messages and then when you meet them, if they don't fit that idea, (even if they're perfectly fine), it just causes a glitch in the chemistry/spark. One guy told me he was Danish and completely threw me with a Cork accent when we met. He moved from Denmark when he was 5. 😂
You've started this conversation with him as a lie though and I don't think you can recover from that. While I would have empathy if a man I was talking to online told me the pictures weren't of him due to confidence issues, I would have no intention of continuing the conversation. I would think they were either very needy with low self-esteem, or a bit creepy and dishonest, and it would become one of my "online dating woes" stories. Unfair I know because you do sound like this wasn't your intention and the situation just snowballed.
I'd follow the advice of putting up some real photos of you and perhaps trying to match with him as the real you. Online dating can be really tough though and can be very demoralising so you need to work on your self-esteem or you could find you're taking judgements of people who don't know you to heart.

SusieBlue

I don’t think there’s anything to salvage here, dating apps are unfortunately very superficial and the whole premise of you even beginning to talk to him is based on a lie and you misrepresenting who you are.
You completely wasted his time and what you did would be a dealbreaker for pretty much everyone.
It was doomed from the beginning, it could never work out with this guy and it will never work out with this guy.

Assuming you have closed the account and deleted the pics etc, you should just continue working on your issues to avoid getting into such a self destructive situation again.
Delete his number and try to forget about him.

Meeoow

If that's the worst thing you ever do, you'll be grand. Move on and forget about yer man. For all you know, he might have had fake pictures of himself up too.

micks_address

hayoc wrote: »

Given that the OP has already stated low self esteem - it could be a knock back and impact on her more negatively than it should.

True but they are getting help. Go into it expecting a knock back and if it works out then it's a result

Zarco

micks_address wrote: »

True but they are getting help. Go into it expecting a knock back and if it works out then it's a result

What are the chances of a result after the initial deceit

Best cut the losses here imo

Dtp1979

Learn from your mistakes. Re-register on the app using your own pictures, seek this guy out and start again. If you hit it off before then you’ll hit it off again.

Idle Passerby

If you think the two of you will keep reigniting contact you need to come clean with him. I very much doubt he'd keep in touch but your wasting his time by continuing with it. If he's a genuine person I don't think there's any chance it could work out based on dishonesty. Lesson learned OP, your attempt at a quick ego stroke may have cost you a good relationship.

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If you think the two of you will keep reigniting contact you need to come clean with him. I very much doubt he'd keep in touch but your wasting his time by continuing with it. If he's a genuine person I don't think there's any chance it could work out based on dishonesty. Lesson learned OP, your attempt at a quick ego stroke may have cost you a good relationship.

I have absolutely no contact with him and rightly so. Yes that's what I fear and I've only got myself to blame. From reading the replies I think I need to work on myself and leave him be. I think even if it's tough to admit it's finished.

Sardonicat

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Learn from your mistakes. Re-register on the app using your own pictures, seek this guy out and start again. If you hit it off before then you’ll hit it off again.

That would be really creepy! If you do re-register under your own name, stay away from him.

TheadoreT

Sardonicat wrote: »

That would be really creepy! If you do re-register under your own name, stay away from him.

I doubt it will be an issue anyway. Given the fickle nature of these apps he probably wouldn't swipe for her real pictures hence why she feels the need to steal some other conventionally prettier woman's pictures to live out the fantasy/delusion of being wanted.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

TheodoreT offer constructive advice to an OP, in a civil way, as per the Charter when replying to a thread or refrain from posting.

Thanks

HS

Katgurl

I think the obvious thing to do is to set up a real profile and see if he shows interest. If you do get chatting I would suggest a phonecall and I'd come clean pretty fast.

Gruffalux

Feeling worthless wrote: »

Op here.

It has been deleted quite a while ago in fact and I will never ever do it again.

It was just some pic from the net just an average looking woman nothing over the top. If anything I'm probably better looking, I'm slim I've a good figure I excercise but I still feel inferior it's probably the years of bullying I endured in school but as I said I'm seeking help finally.

Lookit my advice is probably all kinds of wrong mainly because I have never used one of these dating apps...but here goes. A lot of people use fairly filtered pictures from what I have heard or ones that are ages old. Plus people have all sorts of tricks for looking great in photos. The odd time I see a social media profile pic of people I know I would generally think they are only mildly representative of the person. In fairness now.
Also people connect quite well while using avatars. This has been happening for years.
Also you obviously have confidence issues and can trace them to the trauma of bullying. So you have some semblance of a reason.
So I personally don't see what would be lost in fessing up. Sign up with your real selfie - you sound sensible enough to know you are nice looking. Tell the chap you really like him. Tell him due to confidence issues you used a photo of a randomer. Then leave the ball on his court.
Now it is likely he might not respond at all or might not respond in the way you hope but sure nothing ventured nothing gained, and you are already feeling crappy. Just don't pin all your hopes on it. Shoot for buttons. Throw an oul dart into the void. Why not?
And lay off the self flagellation. Compared to a lot of stuff people casuàlly do all the time your "crime" is on the minor scale. Go forth and be happy!!

irishblessing

I haven't ever used a dating site, but I think I mostly agree with Gruffalox. You sound very apologetic and you are aware of the issue you need to work on which is an amazing first step. What if you re-opened that account with your own picture, reached out to the guy, and said you didn't want to use your real picture as you're very cautious about strange men on a website, and didn't expect to click with someone so much? Listen we all hide parts of who we are, we only like to show our best sides, and FB is called "Fake book" for a reason. Take it as lesson learned, work on your confidence and self-love, and see if he's open to chatting again. But hey if it doesn't work, you will spark with someone again! Whats meant for you won't pass you in the end. Best of luck!

TheadoreT

I really feel if sexes were reversed here the OP would get a unanimous "leave this poor girl alone" response. Really not fair on the lad involved here to be messed around further. It's all quite creepy to be honest and OP should draw a line under this episode and try seek help for issues before messing anyone elses emotions around.

qwerty13

I’m on the side of do not contact him again. I really think it would be truly awful to do so.

You’ve messed with him already, so if you re-register under your actual profile, and confess what you’ve done, chances are he’ll leg it and that will have a detrimental effect on his perception of women on dating sites. And he’ll be someone posting a PI/RI about why he can’t trust women he meets on dating apps. It would be horrendously selfish to contact him, and would mess with his head.

You did a stupid thing, but as far as he knows, you were just another person on a dating app who flaked out. That, I think, he can deal with. You trying to salve your conscience or rekindle things, not so much.

I don’t think you’re ready for dating at all. Good for you that you’re getting help with your issues. I hope that goes well for you.

Redderthanever

Forgive yourself first and foremost, we can all do things we regret when we're hurting.. And it sounds like you have been hurting recently. If i were you, i would not contact him to tell him
The trust has been broken and he may not react kindly. The last thing you need is him to slate you for this when you're down on yourself already. If i were you I take this as a sign that you do have a lot to offer someone and you don't need to hide behind any generic photo. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Op here

So after much thought and consideration after reading all your replies I decided not to contact him. I blocked his number so I cannot change my mind.

I just didn't want to cause him any further hurt. I care about him too much for that. He deserves better.

I won't be going near any dating apps again until I feel I am ready and over my issues. Now I am going to focus on myself and be the best I can possibly be.

But this whole thing has taught me a lesson.

I want to thank everyone for your replies, I read every one of them.