She's always right

LegacyUser

This is a bit of a confusing one. Posting anonymous for it .

My wife of a couple of years manipulates conversation and arguments to make herself look better. This is resulting in a lot of arguments between us especially since we got married.

It starts with a conversation or discussion where she clearly doesn't know what I'm talking about or doesn't understand it. Instead of admitting it she will bluff her way through and then claim she knew what is the correct answer when it comes to light.

I'm growing weary of it at this stage as there's nothing but heated arguments. I've never come across the likes of it before with anyone. I've called her out on it but she will always say that she was saying the correct thing all along even though she wasn't. Short of recording conversations what am I to do ?

Dtp1979

Happy wife, happy life....

Seriously though, how did you not cop this before you got married?

leggo

There’s a lot of why questions to ask before getting to the solution here, for example:

Why does it bother you that she feels right?
Why do you think she does this?
Why do you want someone who doesn’t know something to be forced to admit as much in a conversation?

Etc etc.

I’m sure your feelings are totally valid here, but you’ve left us with no sense of the above so it’s kinda tough to gauge how and why it’s annoying you in particular to be able to give you any insight or suggestions.

I’ll give you an example from my own life: I know a lad who’s a bit of a spoofer and has to chime in with his thoughts on something even when it’s blatantly obvious to all involved he doesn’t have a clue what’s being discussed and just wants to hear his own voice. The guy is harmless and can be sound but this really started to grate on me to the point I started getting snappy and almost picking on him a bit, so not wanting to be this way myself I empathised with him and asked myself why it bothered me. When I empathised, I figured it probably came from a position in his life where he didn’t feel heard/acknowledged or was left out, so I took it less personally. Plus I liked to have my own say sometimes and not have every conversation revolve around him. So my solution was to let him occasionally have his say like this but, at times when he was rude and not letting myself/others speak, call it out directly but not in a mean way, while also being mindful to give him his moment and validate him now and then so he’d know it wasn’t personal but more based on behaviour. He could accept the feedback or push back and, if he did the latter, I could explain the issue calmly to him, which I haven’t needed to do yet (I’m guessing he’s heard the same thing a few times before).

That balance worked well for that specific situation, but yours is a different dynamic, so describe that to us and maybe there’s a middle ground with a happy solution for all.

bottlebrush

What kinds of things are you discussing that she clearly doesnt know or understand. Is it general domestic stuff or what's going on in the outside world I.e. current affairs, politics etc.

rainbowtrout

Either she feels inadequate in some way so pretends she knows stuff when she doesn't ... or she's a bluffer and a bullshitter who is incapable of admitting when they don't know something and it's only become more obvious to you as time goes on, and it won't change.

LegacyUser

bottlebrush wrote: »

What kinds of things are you discussing that she clearly doesnt know or understand. Is it general domestic stuff or what's going on in the outside world I.e. current affairs, politics etc.

It could be anything at all. I'm not trying to show her up but when a conversation gets twisted around it makes me feel quite unsettled like did I say what I thought I said if you know what I mean.

Hannibal_Smith

You've described my mother OP! She is exactly the same as your wife. Always has to be the oracle on everything, even though she has no clue and is completely spoofing and at the end of it all says... See I was right. When she hadn't a clue at any stage.

It is very annoying, but as they say 'empty vessels make most noise'. So every time she hammers home a point I know it's not worth arguing with her because you just can't argue with ignorance. Nothing comes of it only annoyance.

I can't say you can take this approach with your wife because it's not the key to think that way about her. But you just have to maybe understand why it annoys you so much and maybe know you can't reason with it.

TP_CM

Imconfused0309 wrote: »

My wife of a couple of years manipulates conversation and arguments to make herself look better. This is resulting in a lot of arguments between us especially since we got married.

It starts with a conversation or discussion where she clearly doesn't know what I'm talking about or doesn't understand it. Instead of admitting it she will bluff her way through and then claim she knew what is the correct answer when it comes to light.

My partner is like this. It's one of those slightly annoying things I try not to care too much about though. There was a guy I used to work with who had this special ability to fall off his chair laughing when people around him did this. He was just so confident he could laugh these things off and even tease the offender in a way that made them start laughing! I don't have that confidence so if I were to do that it would just sound forced and weird!

Anyways, don't forget the adventure is more about getting to know our partners and their quirks rather than trying to change them into some kind of perfect human for us. Your wife surely knows more about some things in life than others. Why don't you speak to her about those things instead of things she doesn't understand or know about?

Sometimes I think we expect too much from our partners, like we want them to be this all rounded "you don't need anyone else in your life" type person when that's not really realistic for a lot of people, particularly those who are interested in personal growth and learning about new things. You will need more people, call them friends, associates, comrades, whatever you want. Your wife presumably still has 3 or 4 qualities at least which you fell in love with. Focus on them, and whatever else she offers as a person, and look elsewhere for anything she can't offer. My point is that you won't change this part of your wife's behaviour but you can get to know her and avoid it as much as possible.

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Seriously though, how did you not cop this before you got married?

I wish comments like this weren't allowed in the personal issues forum. Useless and unhelpful imo.

TheadoreT

If she's constantly womansplaining you and always in the wrong I can see why you're growing weary.

Hard to know what to advise, you cant change who she is, and she doesn't even admit to being wrong when correct answer comes to light, which is worrying.

You've only presented this very negative side to her so that's what we'll form our opinion on. Is there any positive aspects to her personality that counterbalance this?

JasonStatham

He has to cut down talking to her to an absolute minimum. Things like... Please, yes,no, thank you and functional stuff like "collect the kids at 3". "Have dinner at 7".

Don't give her any ammo to continue like she has been doing. Cut down the conversation to the bare functional minimum.

It's the only way to go. You can't out argue an idiot.

Dtp1979

JasonStatham wrote: »

He has to cut down talking to her to an absolute minimum. Things like... Please, yes,no, thank you and functional stuff like "collect the kids at 3". "Have dinner at 7".

Don't give her any ammo to continue like she has been doing. Cut down the conversation to the bare functional minimum.

It's the only way to go. You can't out argue an idiot.

Yea that’s the key to a healthy relationship

antix80

I work with a numpty of a woman. She's so ignorant of so much, and i used to get angry and explain things to her, only for her to take the credit and act like she understood all along. Because, unfortunately we work together and i can't afford to let her get things wrong.

Here's the thing, i don't think she's being dishonest intentionally. She just sees it that she had imperfect info before but has the intelligence therefore she knew it all along.

Here's what I dont get.

Why are you discussing these topics with your wife if it upsets you both so much? Does it benefit you to talk about things she doesn't understand? Why do you get so angry when ultimately she "gets" what you're saying but that she won't admit that she didn't understand before?

Is she being dishonest or is it just the way her mind works that after hearing an idea, it's just part of her knowledge and she couldn't imagine not understanding it... It's possible she doesn't know she's doing it.

Look, she's your wife. Avoid those flashpoints where it feels your ego is being attacked. If you know how she reacts to an argument (maybe defensively) why would you put both of you in that position? And escalate matters by arguing?

JasonStatham

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Yea that’s the key to a healthy relationship

Absolutely. There's nothing like a series of heated arguments to resolve an underlying issue which needs CBT to fix it.

the_pen_turner

my GF is a bit like this sometimes.

mostly diy type stuff . which tiles in the hall, layout of garden colour of house etc. most of these have been 50,50 decisions but she claims them as hers.

i was in limerick one day and brought home samples of tiles, she did the same some where else, we both ended up likeing one of my ones. 2 yeas later she is telling people that she chose the tiles etc

same for the garden, my idea, my design, my labour to do it, but she claims she did it

straingly enough she remembers fairly accurately when it is her idea that we go with

in the end , she just wants her win and pleasure from looking at something nice that 'she' did. it did anoy me at first but i learned a while back to just let her have this , it doesnt effect me enough to straighten it out.

JustAThought

OP what did you talk about before you gotnengaged and everything was about planning a wedding?

Does your wife have a very different background to you or very different education - and by this I mean far less? Is she competing with you to be at your level of knowledge ir just to be argumentitive?

Does she not have a job or a hobby where you can try sticking your conversation around her and her practical experiences/ dat without it descending into current affairs/ politics/ arbitary facts?

Its not a great way to exist but might build ger confidence up so she dosn’t feel she has to fught and compete with you all the time.

I used to hang out with a couple who constantly bickered and fought - it spilled into everything - they enjoyed it and their marriage is still solid /‘happy’ but noone will go anywhere with them as they are a total headwreck to he around. They bith seem satisfied. Maybe this is the type of home in private she was brought up in and thinks its a normal way to behave in private. Who starts the conversations and what are the topics that are most typical/problematic. Is this a new thing or was it triggered by her having to stay at home/ become a ‘mother/full time childminder etc?

Its worrying but if you are both competitive maybe she is having this conversation with her friends. Maybe you need to record a few arguments . Maybe you both like ‘winning’ conversations and you hate it more when she does?

Maybe you made a big mistake and have nothing in common with her anymore. Or there is so much tension and background acrimonity that it shows up like this

cj maxx

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Happy wife, happy life....

Seriously though, how did you not cop this before you got married?

So you’re supposed to put up with sh1t because you married her ??
Basically you made your bed solid in it ???
I know from bitter experience that the kind of person who starts these. conversations don’t care what you say because they are alway right

shesty

Yeah I know someone like that.
Look I will be honest....husband thought he could ignore it.And he managed, for several years.Then kids arrived, and kids bring ANYTHING that is simmering or being ignored, to the surface.You are tired, under pressure, constantly "on call" for them...fuses get short.
Long story short their relationship got very bad after the arrival of the second child.They had a lot of counselling individually and together.Now both brought their own issues to the table - quite a few, but his biggest thing was that issue of the story changing every time they talked, or just bluffing through something even if she knew nothing about it or knew it had never happened.It was and still is a major problem for him.
I would not recommend ignoring it.That being said, at the moment it seems to be minor, I don't know if it is something that is worth getting into a major row over.I suppose my advise is don't bury it and pretend it doesn't exist.If it gets to a point that you can't deal anymore, get counselling, because it won't just magically go away.

Mongfinder General

A few things that need to be considered. Do you have kids? Do you own property? What is your age? Are you both working?

If you don't have kids and don't own property you should seriously consider leaving the relationship. If somebody is wired that way, they won't change. And it will crush your spirit over time.

If you do have kids, property etc. you're in it for the long haul - you'll have to work on a long term exit plan because if you split now you'll be on a loser in court.

screamer

Uff.... why are so many women dictators in relationships. I see it in my own family, I don’t get it, it’s dis- respectful, and wonder how or why they accept it.
Anyways, I think you need to just say it straight out to her, exactly what she does and how if affects you. You need to ask her to change the way she contributes to conversations. She won’t like it, but Ive found in life, most badly behaved adults have never had anyone confront them and tell them their behaviour is unacceptable. Hopefully it’ll be enough for her to think before she speaks. If not, then you’ll need to consider councilling of some sort as this type of scenario will just escalate and you’ll end up not being able to stand her.

Dtp1979

cj maxx wrote: »

So you’re supposed to put up with sh1t because you married her ??
Basically you made your bed solid in it ???
I know from bitter experience that the kind of person who starts these. conversations don’t care what you say because they are alway right

Christ, I was joking. That was hugely apparent.

Dtp1979

JasonStatham wrote: »

Absolutely. There's nothing like a series of heated arguments to resolve an underlying issue which needs CBT to fix it.

Is that what I said? No. But cutting back contact with your WIFE to a minimum instead of trying to fix the problem is a ridiculous statement

bottlebrush

OP does this happen only when you are having private conversations or also when there are other people around. I have witnessed this happen to a man in my own circle where the wife behaves like this to him regardless of who is in their company. It is extremely uncomfortable to witness to the point where i did some research on the behaviour and came across the word 'narcissist'. Now I know this behaviour is only one feature and unfortunately the lady in question ticks all the boxes in my case. I'm not suggesting your wife is one this but this behaviour is a feature even if nobody else witnesses it. If you are second guessing yourself after conversations then it's time to be concerned. How is the relationship otherwise. Does this behavior occur mostly or just occasionally but otherwise are things generally ok? Do you find yourself veering towards compromising on things so as to avoid conflict and for an easy life?

Fakediamond

It’s hard to know from your brief post. It could be anything from her insecurities, to full blown gaslighting. If it is the latter, I wouldn’t be hanging around for the lifetime of misery that’s ahead of you. You already said it makes you second guess yourself and that’s undermining your sense of self.

beauf

I know a few people like this and I no longer have any patience for it. As soon as they start talking or even join a conversation I find some excuse to leave. Does my head in. I can't see any future with some who does this.

I've ever known someone to start doing it. Anyone I know who does it had always done it. They get worse the more familiar they are with you. Rather than having an argument I just no longer want to waste the breath.

ILoveYourVibes

Imconfused0309 wrote: »

This is a bit of a confusing one. Posting anonymous for it .

My wife of a couple of years manipulates conversation and arguments to make herself look better. This is resulting in a lot of arguments between us especially since we got married.

It starts with a conversation or discussion where she clearly doesn't know what I'm talking about or doesn't understand it. Instead of admitting it she will bluff her way through and then claim she knew what is the correct answer when it comes to light.

I'm growing weary of it at this stage as there's nothing but heated arguments. I've never come across the likes of it before with anyone. I've called her out on it but she will always say that she was saying the correct thing all along even though she wasn't. Short of recording conversations what am I to do ?

If its general stuff etc? Why do you disagree with each other so much?

You should agree on more naturally as a married couple.

starbaby2003

I have to be honest, I see this in another way. If I was talking about something and the person clearly didn’t understand I would do my best to explain it in a way they could. I could be completely off the mark here but it sounds like you use terminology that she is not familiar with on purpose? Does she act like this towards other people? Seems to me like she feels you think she is thick and doesn’t want to give you the satisfaction of you feeling right. As other posters have asked, I think you need to explain if you are from different backgrounds?

JustAThought

starbaby2003 wrote: »

I have to be honest, I see this in another way. If I was talking about something and the person clearly didn’t understand I would do my best to explain it in a way they could. I could be completely off the mark here but it sounds like you use terminology that she is not familiar with on purpose? Does she act like this towards other people? Seems to me like she feels you think she is thick and doesn’t want to give you the satisfaction of you feeling right. As other posters have asked, I think you need to explain if you are from different backgrounds?

I have someone close to me who does this - and they don’t do ut because they are stupid - they do it to control and dominate the conversation and be the focus rather than the topic. It makes me so angry I rarely bother anymore which is massively difficult. Every topic is abandoned or cut short - and they have zero to contribute and never start anything of their own or bring anything to the table. Its incredible really - its a pattern I’m more used to seeing at factious committee meetings and boardrooms where someone constantly interrupts, asks pedantic questions, steps back the dialogue and forces people to repeat things inch by inch for them with them interrupting with ‘clarification’ questions until they are absolutely at the centre of everything without have made a single actual contribution or creative input. It makes me totally sick to be around - totally controlling, dominating, pissing on people behaviour.

starbaby2003

JustAThought wrote: »

I have someone close to me who does this - and they don’t do ut because they are stupid - they do it to control and dominate the conversation and be the focus rather than the topic. It makes me so angry I rarely bother anymore which is massively difficult. Every topic is abandoned or cut short - and they have zero to contribute and never start anything of their own or bring anything to the table. Its incredible really - its a pattern I’m more used to seeing at factious committee meetings and boardrooms where someone constantly interrupts, asks pedantic questions, steps back the dialogue and forces people to repeat things inch by inch for them with them interrupting with ‘clarification’ questions until they are absolutely at the centre of everything without have made a single actual contribution or creative input. It makes me totally sick to be around - totally controlling, dominating, pissing on people behaviour.

I think you are misunderstanding what I am saying. For example, my husband is a scientist. If he started using Scientific terms that he knew were not familiar to me, I’d be pretty pissed off with him. This is why I think the OP needs to give more background.

LegacyUser

starbaby2003 wrote: »

I think you are misunderstanding what I am saying. For example, my husband is a scientist. If he started using Scientific terms that he knew were not familiar to me, I’d be pretty pissed off with him. This is why I think the OP needs to give more background.

Without going into too much detail at the risk of this be too identifying. This happens with anything. Like yourself , i wouldn't discuss my job aspects with her and expect her to know what I'm talking about.

starbaby2003

Imconfused0309 wrote: »

Without going into too much detail at the risk of this be too identifying. This happens with anything. Like yourself , i wouldn't discuss my job aspects with her and expect her to know what I'm talking about.

This sounds extremely frustrating. I would echo what others have said though and say it comes from a place of insecurity. Can you think of anything that happened prior to this starting? You could be a bit of a dick and make up some total bull****. Then if she says she knew, let her know you made it up. Might shock her into listening and hopefully addressing the issue.

bottlebrush

Was she always like this or is this a recent development. Are there other behaviours like passive aggressive remarks, sulking, silent treatment, lies, mind games? Her needing to be 'right' could be her needing to be in control. Do you see yourself having a calm and measured conversation with her to try and resolve this or do you anticipate she would turn this around on you. Ultimately its down to if you think this might be potentially resolvable, if you think you both can have a reasonable conversation about it and get to the bottom of it. But living in a combative environment will wreck your head if this isn't resolved sooner rather than later.