Open relationship

Kudosu

So the other day my partner of 9 years told me that she wanted an open relationship. She said that she doesn’t actually what to have another relationship with anyone else apart from me but she doesn’t want to be tied down by the rules of monogamy. I guess I was just wondering if anyone has been in this position before and it worked out for them, even though like me they were really nervous about it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!

Potatoeman

Kudosu wrote: »

So the other day my partner of 9 years told me that she wanted an open relationship. She said that she doesn’t actually what to have another relationship with anyone else apart from me but she doesn’t want to be tied down by the rules of monogamy. I guess I was just wondering if anyone has been in this position before and it worked out for them, even though like me they were really nervous about it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!

Well if you’re a guy it’s usually a bad deal. Women can punch above their weight for casual hookups. In online dating half the profiles of women have ‘relationship only’ on them as they can get casual hookups elsewhere. Are you living together? Is she financially reliant on you?

Sardonicat

How do you feel about it? Do you want to be in a monogonous relationship? I don't really understand what she means by saying she doesn't want to be tied by the rules of monogamy yet doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else. She wants to sleep with someone else, is that it? Ultimately, this comes down to whether you are OK with that. Do you want to sleep with someone else but have no emotional connection to them? Are you able to do that? Do you think she is?

Kudosu

Sardonicat wrote: »

How do you feel about it? Do you want to be in a monogonous relationship? I don't really understand what she means by saying she doesn't want to be tied by the rules of monogamy yet doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else. She wants to sleep with someone else, is that it? Ultimately, this comes down to whether you are OK with that. Do you want to sleep with someone else but have no emotional connection to them? Are you able to do that? Do you think she is?

Honestly I don’t really know how I feel about it because it’s kind of an ultimatum really. If I’m not ok with it then I think it would be over. I personally wouldn’t be taking part in this open relationship as I just couldn’t do it and to be honest I didn’t think she would be able to do that either. Unless it’s maybe a case of she needs to feel like she could something if she wanted to but ultimately she wouldn’t do it.

Kudosu

Potatoeman wrote: »

Well if you’re a guy it’s usually a bad deal. Women can punch above their weight for casual hookups. In online dating half the profiles of women have ‘relationship only’ on them as they can get casual hookups elsewhere. Are you living together? Is she financially reliant on you?

We are two girls so I don’t know if that makes a difference! I know what you mean! We are living together and have been for about 5 years now. No we are both financially independent. I don’t really know what kind of advice I was hoping to get for this problem, guess I just wanted to see if anyone was in the same situation and it happened to work out!

breezy1985

Kudosu wrote: »

We are two girls so I don’t know if that makes a difference! I know what you mean! We are living together and have been for about 5 years now. No we are both financially independent. I don’t really know what kind of advice I was hoping to get for this problem, guess I just wanted to see if anyone was in the same situation and it happened to work out!

Im male and had discussed this with a bicurious female partner before and told her I was ok with the idea of an open relationship where she could be with other women with certain boundaries like not doing it with friends (and also said straight up I would not getting involved or try watch as this was about her and not my porn fantasy ). I was ok with this because she was exploring something I couldn't give her bit the idea of her with another man would have killed me.

We broke up before anything happened but she is happy now with another woman so I am glad I showed support when she approached me first time

Kudosu

breezy1985 wrote: »

Im male and had discussed this with a bicurious female partner before and told her I was ok with the idea of an open relationship where she could be with other women with certain boundaries like not doing it with friends (and also said straight up I would not getting involved or try watch as this was about her and not my porn fantasy ). I was ok with this because she was exploring something I couldn't give her bit the idea of her with another man would have killed me.

We broke up before anything happened but she is happy now with another woman so I am glad I showed support when she approached me first time

I think that she might be a bit bicurious. We have been together since we were 16 and the only people either of us have been intimate with. I guess I am struggling with the idea because I’m not feeling this need that she is to explore things and I’m maybe taking it personally when it really isn’t about me. But I think I need to try and understand what it is she’s feeling. You’re right when you said it’s something I can’t give her if it is a bicurious thing. But I have the say the idea of her with anyone is killing me.

TheadoreT

As hard as it is for you to take you cant stop her being who she is. Maybe the stigma of being straight in 2020 has her in the closet and she's just with you to make society accept her a bit more. Her beard so to say. Coming out as straight may be a big step for her and you should be supportive of this and not jealous

breezy1985

Kudosu wrote: »

I think that she might be a bit bicurious. We have been together since we were 16 and the only people either of us have been intimate with. I guess I am struggling with the idea because I’m not feeling this need that she is to explore things and I’m maybe taking it personally when it really isn’t about me. But I think I need to try and understand what it is she’s feeling. You’re right when you said it’s something I can’t give her if it is a bicurious thing. But I have the say the idea of her with anyone is killing me.

Find out exactly what she is after and why if you can and maybe there is a work around. For instance my no friends rule was because I didn't ever want to meet the women which was easy in a big city and I didn't want to get in a pissing contest when out drinking with some girls she worked with who were already a bit inappropriate round me and her

Sardonicat

It doesn't sound like this can work for you, does it? You have been together since you were very young. Do you think it might be possible that she might be moving on from a relationship with you? It might be she's afraid to call it because she was so young when ye got together and ye sort if grew up in a relationship and the prospect of not being coupled with you is frightening. Very painful for both of you, if this is the case. It's time for some difficult, honest conversation. Don't agree to any ultimatums to an open relationship , the thought of her being with someone else is distressing to you and the relationship wouldn't survive that, either.

lozenges

Hey OP.

To be honest it sounds like ye would be better going on a break. At least that way everyone knows where they stand.

I can understand that if you have been together from a young age and have had no other partners that your gf might want to explore. Having said that if you agree to an open relationship when you really don't want to it will just create resentment.

Non-monogamous/open relationships can work but only when the relationship is already very strong and both partners are positive about it.

eviltwin

Kudosu wrote: »

I think that she might be a bit bicurious. We have been together since we were 16 and the only people either of us have been intimate with. I guess I am struggling with the idea because I’m not feeling this need that she is to explore things and I’m maybe taking it personally when it really isn’t about me. But I think I need to try and understand what it is she’s feeling. You’re right when you said it’s something I can’t give her if it is a bicurious thing. But I have the say the idea of her with anyone is killing me.

If she’s interested in sleeping with men and exploring that side of her sexuality that’s out of your control unfortunately. What’s in your control is how you choose to be treated as her partner. It’s perfectly fine to say “I’m not okay with an open relationship “ and then she can either choose to stay faithful or end the relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to experience what the world has to offer sexually but that doesn’t mean she gets to disregard your feelings. You don’t have to accept her behaviour and you need to start thinking of how an open relationship you aren’t happy with will impact your mental health and self image.

breezy1985

Another thing some friends have tried pre covid obviously is to go to a swinger/s&m/naturist club with the agreement that nothing is to happen first time.

Often they found that what they were looking for was to explore something new and different sexually and got a trill out of watching and chatting but not participating and ended up having sex with no one but each other. Kinda living vicariously through those communities

LegacyUser

I wad with my first boyfriend for 5 yrs when I asked him for an open relationship. (I'm female). He was the first and only guy I'd had sex with and I was curious what other men would be like. Looking back, I was dissatisfied with the relationship and wanted out of the relationship just didn't have the sense to do that ....What followed was months of dragging out an eventual break up...jealousy , hurt, feeling betrayed, shamed and interrogated over every flirt or sexual encounter. I wouldn't recommend it and in future if anyone wanted an open relationship I'd walk.

JasonStatham

Dump her lame ass. Imagine saying that after 9 years. Imagine saying it after any time....oh i love you, but i wanted to be fcuked by other men.

Throw her out!

tuff1

JasonStatham wrote: »

Dump her lame ass. Imagine saying that after 9 years. Imagine saying it after any time....oh i love you, but i wanted to be fcuked by other men.

Throw her out!

Didn't read the thread did you?

breezy1985

JasonStatham wrote: »

Dump her lame ass. Imagine saying that after 9 years. Imagine saying it after any time....oh i love you, but i wanted to be fcuked by other men.

Throw her out!

"Other men" so far she hasn't been ****ed by any men so what's this other men business. Try reading a thread first

Tork

It's obvious that you're not comfortable with the idea of an open relationship and there isn't a thing wrong with that. Most people wouldn't be. Especially when you've got the backstory you've given us. A couple who got together very young and haven't been with anybody else. You're also at the age where long-term couples who got together young start to break up because they've changed so much. I think your partner is trying to have her cake and eat it here. She'll have the option of experiencing other people and the security of her long-term relationship. Whether that leads to her deciding to move on or not is anybody's guess.

I'm sure there are successful open relationships out there but the impression I get is that for them to work, both people have to be happy with the set-up. You don't sound like you're on board with that. Maybe you'll talk yourself into accepting it or maybe your partner will row back from what she said. No matter what though, it is a bell that can't be unrung. It may even bring this relationship to an end, one way or another.

I had a kinda similar situation years ago with a partner who wasn't as experienced as me and felt like she might have "missed out". She brought up the issue as we were going to be living in separate countries for the best part of a year and frequent travel would have been too expensive, so we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. We stayed together for a few years after that, but eventually parted for other reasons.

But I very much doubt I would have been able to deal with it if we'd been operating under the same rules but still living in the same house together.

Maybe a break or living apart for a while might provide some clarity for both of you.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Kudosu wrote: »

So the other day my partner of 9 years told me that she wanted an open relationship. She said that she doesn’t actually what to have another relationship with anyone else apart from me but she doesn’t want to be tied down by the rules of monogamy. I guess I was just wondering if anyone has been in this position before and it worked out for them, even though like me they were really nervous about it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!

Close friend has open relationship with her husband. It was something they both wanted and it works for them. They've both had other partners at various points that they've brought to friend gatherings and introduced as their girl/boyfriend.

It works for them but what works for one relationship doesn't work for all. Both parties have to be on the same page for it to work. It can't be something done out of boredom or to spice up a stale relationship.

Kudosu

Thanks for all the advice guys, I think I just needed to talk about it out loud... well typed out...

Neyite

Mod Note:
edjkdkjdhjkd & 99nsr125

Posts deleted as they offered no constructive advice to the OP and mass generalisations of either sex is not permitted here.

ILoveYourVibes

Kudosu wrote: »

So the other day my partner of 9 years told me that she wanted an open relationship. She said that she doesn’t actually what to have another relationship with anyone else apart from me but she doesn’t want to be tied down by the rules of monogamy. I guess I was just wondering if anyone has been in this position before and it worked out for them, even though like me they were really nervous about it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!

Firstly your gf is to be commended for coming to you openly and discussing it. It says a lot to her sense of honor. I really respect that.

You need to seriously get to grips with the actual reality of what can and usually will happen.

I am not saying these arrangements can't work. But you both need to be VERY much in love with each other. You also need to be very secure and emotionally mature as people.

You both need to be able to trust each other and still get tested regularly for stds.

I would advise you to introduce all potential partners to each other or at least get contact details.....why? Because if you break up and then you discover you have an std ....and your partner is not contacting you ...then you have the contact details to let the other people know.

I have many friends who have done this. One couple ..the woman got pregnant during this time ..she knew it was her hubby's ..he was suspicious though ..and he couldn't control his negative mindset and emotions during the pregnancy ...went the baby was born there was the paternity test and she was his ....but it did mess with his head until he knew ..and he treated his wife badly during that time.

The thing is your partner has to be JUST as special to you and just as worth spoiling while she is sleeping with someone else. People often dont realize their perception of the relationship might change without them realizing. Things feel more casual and less permanent...particularly if you are not married.

Also .....i mean it takes guts for a guy to date an involved girl. From what i have seen ..they tend to be either a) VERY cocky or b) they turn into an emotional wreck and become a nightmare c) are balanced enough to be suitable.


Whether or not a woman or man is more able to swing ...i don't think it depends on gender ..more your outgoingness how attractive you are etc.

In terms of going to swinging parties ..yes men tend to be surprised that women ...are more erm ..active ..women can have sex again and again ..whereas men need breather or ...you are into using Viagra etc which is not something you can abuse regularly ..its dangerous. And i have heard that viagra abuse can be an issue for some of the guys at gatherings like that. Its impossible for them to be there without being emasculated in their minds....its simple anatomy. Even with the viagra its not often they can keep up with women. That is life. As you can imagine viagra might not be the only drug there. And no its not all safe sex. People can be mind blowingly stupid. I have seen it.




I get the impression your gf is thinking more the fling thing. Well ..just remember anyone she has in her life ...is really affecting yours too.

NOW in saying all that I DO know people who had successful relationships while being open. But they understood that there is an emotional reality. I mean you understanding your gf is down because her 'other ' boyfriend did this or dumbed her etc. I know guys who have dealt with that accepted it and they moved on as a couple. Or the girl dealt with it and moved on. But they walked in with their eyes WIDE open.

Honestly I don’t really know how I feel about it because it’s kind of an ultimatum really. If I’m not ok with it then I think it would be over. I personally wouldn’t be taking part in this open relationship as I just couldn’t do it and to be honest I didn’t think she would be able to do that either. Unless it’s maybe a case of she needs to feel like she could something if she wanted to but ultimately she wouldn’t do it

If you don't know how you would feel ....don't do it ....you are walking in without the required info. If it is an ultimatum ..DONT DO IT....because its like she things this is going to CURE a difficult relationship. It's the opposite ....this only works for great relationships. TBH its the kind of thing that you were drawn to in your single years too if you know what i mean. That is the right kind of person.

When you feel you can do something ....you usually do.

Any couple i know who did this well.....they were into slightly unusual stuff before ..they knew the scene ..in fact ..they were probably into each other because ..they knew this other side of each other. And they were deeply in love.

You have to be very emotionally intelligent for this.

TBH i don't think your gf is ...or else she could have predicted your emotional ambiguity over it???

Is it possible she has someone in mind?

Elessar

eviltwin wrote: »

If she’s interested in sleeping with men and exploring that side of her sexuality that’s out of your control unfortunately. What’s in your control is how you choose to be treated as her partner. It’s perfectly fine to say “I’m not okay with an open relationship “ and then she can either choose to stay faithful or end the relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to experience what the world has to offer sexually but that doesn’t mean she gets to disregard your feelings. You don’t have to accept her behaviour and you need to start thinking of how an open relationship you aren’t happy with will impact your mental health and self image.

100% this.

My experience is that when women say things like this, it's just a softer way of (eventually) breaking up with you. How do YOU feel about it? Are you ok with being told, effectively, "I no longer see you as good enough to want to be with you exclusively"? Is it ok with you to allow people to think of you like that and still be in a loving relationship with them?

Her sexuality is irrelevant.

Think about it, if she was genuinely in love with you and wanted to be with you and you alone, she wouldn't be asking for an open relationship.

My advice to you is to say no, that you are not ok with that (assuming you are not) and she will then have to make a decision. If you're not ok with it (and most people would not be), you will likely end up very hurt if you go along with it. If you value yourself and what you bring to the relationship, just say no. Because you are better than that.

jj880

Even if you decide to agree to an open relationship another consideration at the moment would be COVID. Would she be seeing other people then coming back to the house you share? Nightmare scenario.

Aseth

Kudosu wrote: »

So the other day my partner of 9 years told me that she wanted an open relationship. She said that she doesn’t actually what to have another relationship with anyone else apart from me but she doesn’t want to be tied down by the rules of monogamy.

Hi OP, maybe I'm wrong but to me it sounded like 'I met someone. I like them. But I'm also unsure and don't want to breakup with you. But if anything happens at least you can't blame me 'cause you agreed'.

leggo

Elessar wrote: »

My experience is that when women say things like this, it's just a softer way of (eventually) breaking up with you. How do YOU feel about it? Are you ok with being told, effectively, "I no longer see you as good enough to want to be with you exclusively"? Is it ok with you to allow people to think of you like that and still be in a loving relationship with them?

Hey, so I’m not picking on you but this paragraph kinda sums up a lot in one hence me quoting it, but a few have danced around this point.

The above paragraph makes a lot of assumptions that are popular but untrue about sex/sexuality and relationships these days. First off the idea of being ‘good’ enough presupposes that others’ judgement of us represents our actual value as people. Relationships are about compatibility and timing: do me and this other person provide what each other needs and make each other’s lives better right now? That’s it. That’s the only question that matters within a relationship and the rest is noise.

There’s nothing to do with ‘good enough’ or a barrier for quality, you could be the most impeccable partner ever and still incompatible with someone. That’s the same line of thinking that has people try manipulate partners into liking them using words like ‘deserve’ and ‘fair’. It’s just not how life works and it takes you down a messy path quickly.

Does the OP’s relationship with their partner provide what each other needs and make each other’s lives better right now? Right now their partner is saying they need to experiment with the opposite gender. The OP can’t fulfil those needs, that’s not a slight against them, it’s impossible to do so. OP you can facilitate/allow that, but does that violate your own needs? It’s totally okay to want to be the only person your partner sleeps with, but if that’s the case then this person isn’t for you and you’re lucky in a way you guys can at least openly have this discussion. Take advantage of that by being honest with yourself and them back, then make the right decision for yourself based on what you need and not what’s difficult emotionally (because you will be fine ultimately whatever happens).

Airyfairy12

Kudosu wrote: »

Honestly I don’t really know how I feel about it because it’s kind of an ultimatum really. If I’m not ok with it then I think it would be over. I personally wouldn’t be taking part in this open relationship as I just couldn’t do it and to be honest I didn’t think she would be able to do that either. Unless it’s maybe a case of she needs to feel like she could something if she wanted to but ultimately she wouldn’t do it.

If its an ultimatum it honestly sounds like she's checked out of the relationship but is too afraid to end it for whatever reason. It's hard to walk away from a long term relationship, sounds like she wants her cake but wants to eat it too.

If you feel the same and are on the same page as her and would be interested in exploring other options, then go for it.
If youre not sure how to feel and cant see yourself fully enjoying intimacy with strangers and dont like the thought of her seeing other people, then you cant do it because the jealousy will eat away at you. Ultimately your mental health should be your first priority in this situation.

Sleepy

In my experience when a woman asks for something like this, whether it be an open relationship or a "break", it's because she already has someone in mind that she wants to sleep with.

I don't understand the concept of an "open relationship". If you want an "open relationship", why get married in the first place? Stay single or get divorced and have as many relationships as you want.

suicide_circus

Set her free.

An open-relationship after 9 years is a recipe for a long and hurtful goodbye, dont put yourself through that.