Conversation in a relationship

completedit

What do you do if you just aren't a talkative person? Me and my ex were doing LDR and I just struggled to keep convo flowing. I'm fine at being irreverent, I suppose you could say, I'll have a laugh and share something funny but I think inside I am quite an uptight and closed person. I found the pandemic especially difficult because my life was so boring over last few months. Growing up we never talked about our day at home and we wouldn't be natural storytellers by nature. I find this really hurts me and I feel a girl will always want to be with the guy who can capture attention. I'm utterly hopeless at bringing my interests to life. I notice when I speak I have a hard time fleshing out what I want to say; I'm just not articulate no matter how hard I try. Basically, talking just doesn't come easy for me. I can get talkative when I'm in the zone but in general, it feels like I'm always on the backfoot in conversations. I found this particularly affects me in romantic relationships where you tend to be one on one.

JasonStatham

I do Questions and Answers with a woman. Take turns asking questions, Don't have to answer something that's too uncomfortable. Usually the conversation flows from there because the other person has to take their turn to think and drive the conversation. This is good in the beginning. Later when you know the person well enough, it's not really required.

completedit

I don't know. For me, I find the initial stages easy. I'm quite an energetic person at the start; think its an anxiety mask so I'm very enthusiastic and jovial in the initial stages but then once that wares off, I'm sort of left a little bereft. I always think of it in terms of economics. What's my comparative advantage? I really want to make a deep connection but I find it so difficult to crack the surface. I'm always very tentative about bringing things up(if I do manage to think about something at all). I don't know if it's because I'm just slow or dumb and that is what makes me devoid of conversation or is it because I find it hard to OWN my interests and involve the other person in them. It didn't help I was working a dead end job either to be fair.

new2tri19

The problem is once you start thinking about what your going to say then the flow of the conversation just goes. What I used to do is have tele on in background and tell partner on phone " hey turn on rte 1 and look at this!" kinda thing and it would keep the convo going if it got stale. Don't overthink it , you don't have to fill all the silences , best of luck , keep at it practice makes perfect.

Kylta

Some people are genuinely quiet by nature, doesn't mean their dumb or stupid. I was in a relationship for over 10 years with a very quite woman ( highly intelligent and genuinely funny when she got going) and to be honest I found it a bit awkward at the start, but if your both happy with your personalities you can have a comfortable silence. Some people talk a lot of bollix in general away, but when a quite person has anything to say its usually worth listening too.

completedit

I find as a man though, while women are more talkative, it's expected men to be bold and loud. I think with me, my quiet nature doesn't suit my demeanor which seems quite extroverted initially. I'm reserved rather than quiet. Stand offish and meek at worse, stoic and contemplative at best. Don't know what I want. Things ended with my ex recently, in a bad way(deleted off FB, no contact, just pretty much vanished 1 year into our relationship) Not letting it affect me but now I'm thinking of meeting new people(whenever that time comes) I'm not bad looking to girls I wouldn't say, but I don't get the craic out of meeting new people. I found the relationship the best thing ever but it was very tough at times. Of course covid didn't help but throughout, I felt lacking in some way, it's like the relationship exposed my true personality and I didn't like it. In some ways, I was the best version of myself. I became more focused, more matured, more confident, more assured but in other ways, it left me cold. Maybe it's my own expectations about what I could bring to a relationship but I just felt I never had anything concrete to talk about. It seems so trivial but I really value conversation that's the weird thing. I like my nature sometimes but in other ways, it feels a bit restrictive. It's like I'm not completely being myself. Like I'm caged in my own head. Like I said, I'm not good at telling stories. I like talking about things and ideas(and I mean that in the least pompous way ever) but not about happenings. I've always been like this. When I was younger it was football. Now, it's football and some other things but that reluctance to just shoot the breeze about everything and anything has always evaded me.

I remember somebody told me before my brain was quicker than my mouth and that always stayed with me.

ILoveYourVibes

Maybe you will find a girl who is right for your type of personality.


But in the meanwhile ..why not work on that partic skill?

Dial Hard

You've posted about this many times across multiple fora OP and I think it's fair to say you're completely overthinking things. You also seem to have very rigid ideas about gender roles which you carry into your interactions with both sexes and it's not helpful. In fact, it seems to almost paralyse you. Most people are not observing their own conversations like a third party and doing a running commentary on it the way you seem to be.

You seem to be completely obsessed with how you think you *should* be behaving and perceived, to the point where you have absolutely no idea how to be yourself because you have absolutely no idea who that is.

I'm not really sure what the solution is but I don't think it's yet another Boards thread, sorry.

You did say before that you don't see the point of reading or staying up to date on current affairs. What I will say is that being well-informed and having an interest in anything other than what people think of you will make it much easier to engage in conversation in a meaningful way. You can't talk to people if you've nothing to talk about.

completedit

Tbf, I do read and I do stay up to date with current affairs, but I just see them as pointless sometimes. That was a bit extreme but I think I said that in the context that neither are essential for someone to be an interesting person. Reading is amazing; it opens up your world to somebody else's but from my POV, given my feeling of being "locked in" my own mind, it sort of heightens my sense of introversion. It depends on the mood I am in though. As for Current Affairs my problem with them is that often it's just a sort of refined gossip(Trump, Hogan) and dragged out imo.

It's a curious one. I find it interesting you say you don't know who that is. I think you're right. I stripped myself down so much and over the years, have defined myself less and less by my interests. It's almost like depersonalisation.

My posts make it out to be more extreme than the reality. I think any LDR would have been a challenge during a global pandemic when you haven't seen someone for months but yeah, the general point still stands.

Cali1978

Feel very similar. I wonder if it’s I just haven’t met the right person where the conversation flows naturally 🀔

completedit

Could be the case. But it's extremely weird thing to feel isn't it? I'm just not good at connecting with others. Difficulties in speech and the way my brain works(very nuanced) don't lend themselves to free flowing convo.

Like I said, usually some people are quiet but they open up the more you know them, not sure what it's like in your case, but I actually become more reserved the more I know someone.

Redderthanever

completedit wrote: »

What do you do if you just aren't a talkative person? Me and my ex were doing LDR and I just struggled to keep convo flowing. I'm fine at being irreverent, I suppose you could say, I'll have a laugh and share something funny but I think inside I am quite an uptight and closed person. I found the pandemic especially difficult because my life was so boring over last few months. Growing up we never talked about our day at home and we wouldn't be natural storytellers by nature. I find this really hurts me and I feel a girl will always want to be with the guy who can capture attention. I'm utterly hopeless at bringing my interests to life. I notice when I speak I have a hard time fleshing out what I want to say; I'm just not articulate no matter how hard I try. Basically, talking just doesn't come easy for me. I can get talkative when I'm in the zone but in general, it feels like I'm always on the backfoot in conversations. I found this particularly affects me in romantic relationships where you tend to be one on one.

I can relate to what you're describing, i have felt in the past that i should be able to 'capture and hold' someone's attention through storytelling, anecdotes etc but in the end I've realised that there are all types of personalities; the gifted storyteller that leave you enthralled, the guy who doesn't say much but when they do floors you with a witty comment, the joker.. Etc etc and it's OK to be any one of those people. You don't have to be the loud, chatty guy to keep a woman's attention (this coming from a female pov) - in fact you could be one of those men happy to let their partner shine and chat away at/to them. It sounds like you're capable of talking, but maybe on deeper topics rather than 'this hilarious thing happened to me today' kind of way. At the end of the day it sounds like you're not feeling 'enough', so my advice would be to work on that, working on knowing you are enough in whatever form you take. Secondly you could take a class in public speaking or physical theater to expand your repertoire. It could help to get you out of you own head. Like i said, it sounds like you have things to say but the anxiety of overthinking gets in the way.

completedit

Thank you. Yeah, I am more at home talking about 'deeper' topics.

I find it interesting what you say about not feeling enough; i can definitely resonate with that. Whenever I'm around other people I feel as though I drift through experiences as opposed to feeling fully there. Getting out of own head would be great because it does feel I am very curtailed and inhibited. Sometimes what I notice is that I know exactly what it is I want to say but it feels like a lot of effort to formulate those thoughts into words. It's definitely my aim to reach that point.

Redderthanever

completedit wrote: »

Thank you. Yeah, I am more at home talking about 'deeper' topics.

I find it interesting what you say about not feeling enough; i can definitely resonate with that. Whenever I'm around other people I feel as though I drift through experiences as opposed to feeling fully there. Getting out of own head would be great because it does feel I am very curtailed and inhibited. Sometimes what I notice is that I know exactly what it is I want to say but it feels like a lot of effort to formulate those thoughts into words. It's definitely my aim to reach that point.

Maybe you're a dreamer and live more so in your head, once again nothing wrong with that. Can you express yourself in other ways? Through writing, art, dance, photography? I have heard though friends that meditation does help to keep you in the moment and present, keep meaning to give it a proper shot. Anyway, best of luck, try to be kind to yourself and practice self acceptance

JustAThought

OP - you’re also her boyfriend not an entertainer or television set. There is nothing harder than someone talking at you at you at you all the time or dragging you down with deep and meaningful ‘discussions/ questions/monologues when you are trying to read a book/ do the dishes/ watch tv.

Why do you feel the urge to entertain and ve the non stop talking life and soul of the day? You are two people together not a schoolbus full of people chatting and endlessly talking across each other. You know about quiet time together and contemplative and comfortable silences? You, nir your partner, does not have to be ‘ON’ every moment of the day. I’m exhausted even thinking of it.

completedit

@JustAThought

She's firmly my ex now at this point. Been doing a lot of reflection over the past 4 weeks; feeling positive in some ways and negative in others. I loved her but maybe we had our time. It was an amazing first love. I grew a lot as a person and having someone look at me, even if it was only for a year and think 'Yeah, I really like you' was something I needed and feel so lucky to have finally received. Self-love is important and I still amn't where I want or should be but sometimes we do need some outside vindication of who we are.

As for conversation; I just associate relationships with girls looking for 'craic'. I don't know if this is misguided or a skewed view of relationships; all I'm going by is my own anecdotal evidence.

Thing is I actually am good fun but I'm just not very verbal.

ILoveYourVibes

completedit wrote: »

What do you do if you just aren't a talkative person? Me and my ex were doing LDR and I just struggled to keep convo flowing. I'm fine at being irreverent, I suppose you could say, I'll have a laugh and share something funny but I think inside I am quite an uptight and closed person. I found the pandemic especially difficult because my life was so boring over last few months. Growing up we never talked about our day at home and we wouldn't be natural storytellers by nature. I find this really hurts me and I feel a girl will always want to be with the guy who can capture attention. I'm utterly hopeless at bringing my interests to life. I notice when I speak I have a hard time fleshing out what I want to say; I'm just not articulate no matter how hard I try. Basically, talking just doesn't come easy for me. I can get talkative when I'm in the zone but in general, it feels like I'm always on the backfoot in conversations. I found this particularly affects me in romantic relationships where you tend to be one on one.

conversation is a 2 way thing ..you need to find someone where it just 'flows' because conversation is important..but its supposed to be natural ..easy ..that's the whole thing you are not just looking for a person ..you are looking for someone where it just 'flows'

Mortgage Question

completedit wrote: »

What do you do if you just aren't a talkative person? Me and my ex were doing LDR and I just struggled to keep convo flowing. I'm fine at being irreverent, I suppose you could say, I'll have a laugh and share something funny but I think inside I am quite an uptight and closed person. I found the pandemic especially difficult because my life was so boring over last few months. Growing up we never talked about our day at home and we wouldn't be natural storytellers by nature. I find this really hurts me and I feel a girl will always want to be with the guy who can capture attention. I'm utterly hopeless at bringing my interests to life. I notice when I speak I have a hard time fleshing out what I want to say; I'm just not articulate no matter how hard I try. Basically, talking just doesn't come easy for me. I can get talkative when I'm in the zone but in general, it feels like I'm always on the backfoot in conversations. I found this particularly affects me in romantic relationships where you tend to be one on one.

You need to learn to not give a sh1t. Practice meditation and learn to accept yourself. There is nobody you need to prove yourself to or to impress. Enjoy the experience of life, your death is approaching.

JustAThought

Mortgage Question wrote: »

You need to learn to not give a sh1t. Practice meditation and learn to accept yourself. There is nobody you need to prove yourself to or to impress. Enjoy the experience of life, your death is approaching.

You also have to make an effort. A
lump sitting on a couch staring at the wall or
their hands or innanely watching tv and never having anything to say might & day is hardly (IMO) an attractive partner no matter what their looks. Its a balance between conversation ( 2 way), togetherness and comfortable silences - not a non stop jabber of jokes and conversation noise to have to avoid being alone together.

Airyfairy12

Hi op I wonder if confidence and mental health could effect your ability to articulate yourself? Do you fear you'll say something weird, boring or you'll come across the wrong way? Are you fearful of being criticised, judged or belittled?

Years ago I had a small group of people in my life who were nothing but bullies, constantly criticizing every said, talking over me, jumping down my throat and twisting my words when ever I said anything they disagreed with or was different to their opinion.

It really effected my self esteem and I turned on my self, convinced myself that those people where right about me and everything I say must be stupid or boring or not worth sharing so I shut up and eventually found myself with nothing to say in social situations, awkward silences where common and conversations would go nowhere. It was horrible.

In reality you have a right to share your thoughts, opinions and feelings (all within reason) regardless of what anyone thinks, you also have every right to stay quiet if that feels comfortable for you. Anyone who tries to belittle you or make you feel wrong for either, unless youre blatantly being disrespectful, selfish or cruel with your words, the problem is with themselves not you.

Practice saying how you feel, in all situations come out of your head and focus on your feelings and what feels right in situations where youre communicating with someone else. You might find that the words flow.

Id also suggest you read books, it is a great way of improving your communication and articulation skills.

_Whimsical_

You actually seem very articulate and capable of putting quite complex feelings into words. That's a great skill! You're voicing things that people here are relating to judging by the thanks your posts are getting. Maybe this is the side of yourself you need to reveal more. Constant chat and jokes and jabber are nice to be around but I personally would swap some of it for a few short deep conversations with someone who could tell me how they're feeling vs what happened at work today. Work on listening too, asking questions, focus on making the other person comfortable and finding out about them, judge yourself on that instead of your own contribution. That'll give you time to forget yourself and digest the topic, it'll also let you find points of intersection in what the person is saying that you can naturally add something about yourself too, the more relaxed you the more naturally it'll come.

Bobtheman

What is LDR?

Dtp1979

Bobtheman wrote: »

What is LDR?

Long distance relationship