Betrayed by my best friend

LegacyUser

I started dating a new guy a couple of months ago, things have been going well with us. This is my first real relationship in 6 years and the first person ive met in that time that I really like enough to see a future with.
My best friend, lets call her Mary has been my best friend since we were 5, we're now in our 30's. Mary has a long term partner who she has kids with.
Last night the man im dating called me to tell me he received a facebook message from Mary and that she was coming across quite flirty and sexual. I think he may have thought me and Mary were testing him or playing a joke or something?... I was obviously shocked and upset to hear that she was sending messages to him and out of curiosity I asked him to text her back to see what she would say, after some persuasion he agreed to text her back and he sent me screenshots of the messages. They were very flirty and sexual, she even hinted at sending nudes and meeting up, she might have been drunk when she sent them as she sometimes drinks wine in the evenings. I haven't confronted her yet.
I dont know what to do? Do I end a 27 year long friendship over this?

Kylta

Don't write her off just yet, maybe theirs an explanation for this. Maybe your friend doesn't trust or sees something in this person you don't (love can be blinding sometimes).
But I would broach the subject in convesation with her. I wouldn't go confronting her that means your seeking out a confrontation, which will definitely put an end to your friendship.

TheadoreT

Kylta wrote: »

Don't write her off just yet, maybe theirs an explanation for this. Maybe your friend doesn't trust or sees something in this person you don't (love can be blinding sometimes).
But I would broach the subject in convesation with her. I wouldn't go confronting her that means your seeking out a confrontation, which will definitely put an end to your friendship.

That would be really weird too regardless. To go behind friends back to test her boyfriends loyalty by some form of sexual entrapment.

Obviously isnt the case either and she's clearly been caught red handed.

OP your boyfriend has dealt with this very well so while i dont see any way back for your friendship at least your relationship is in a very healthy place.

Kylta

TheadoreT wrote: »

That would be really weird too regardless. To go behind friends back to test her boyfriends loyalty by some form of sexual entrapment.

Obviously isnt the case either and she's clearly been caught red handed.

OP your boyfriend has dealt with this very well so while i dont see any way back for your friendship at least your relationship is in a very healthy place.

Her friend never sent the nude pics?
Also she hasn't got her friends answer to whats going on?
Also her boyfriend thought he was being tested, so why wouldn't he say it to her?
I could be wrong in all of the asumptions, but why risk losing a long time friendship without having a conversation first.
Its also not unknown for people to meet somebody they think is the best thing since slice bread only to fine out further down the line that the person they loved is not what they seemed (its why people and relationships break up).
The OP should have the conversation with her friend (face to face) and then decide. Besides if their friends for 27years they should well be able to read each other

marizpan

Your friend really crossed a line! A very big line!

Whatever her intentions she should never have crossed it!
Your in your thirties and are a big girl. Well able to deal with your own relationship without a friends involvement or meddling.

Sardonicat

This woman is not your friend. Drunk or not this is completely out of line.

Idle Passerby

I actually feel sorry for the friend. Her life must be fairly sad if she's trying to flirt with her friends new partner via online messaging. It's like something a teenager would do. Either way, she must not respect the OP very highly.

weemcd

That's pretty low. Your boyfriend must have been thinking wtf is going on.

I'd burn her immediately and cut off all contact.

Yes, you drop her from every single aspect of your life. Do not engage with her. Do not explain yourself beyond telling her the messages she sent killed the friendship, stone dead. Express no anger. Mourn the loss of a friendship entirely private from her. Delete her contact info, remove all social media links, block her.

Scorched earth is what should remain where once you were her friend. Never entertain an apology or rekindling any kind of relationship. She should be as good as ‘dead to me’ if anyone asks. Don’t bitch about her, to anyone, ever. Don’t explain why.

The loss is all hers and it absolutely should be permanent.

Also, fair play to that guy. He did the right thing there.

Sardonicat

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I actually feel sorry for the friend. Her life must be fairly sad if she's trying to flirt with her friends new partner via online messaging. It's like something a teenager would do. Either way, she must not respect the OP very highly.

Yeah, it's really grim behaviour for a woman in her thirties. Best vase scenario is she was sh1tfaced drunk and acting totally out of character, in which case an immediate apology to OP and her partner is called for. If it's a thing she's developed feelings for him, which would be awful for her, thus is not the way an adult deals with a situation like that. Worse case, and I think most likely, is she's trying to sabotage her friends happiness. Her behaviour has all the hallmarks of it.

OP, take a bit if time to reflect on the dynamics of your friendship recently. Is your friend good to be around? Does she encourage and support you? Is she happy for the good things in your life and does she hurt with you when things don't go your way? Does she ever put you down or act resentful of the positives in your life? When we have lifelong friendships we often cannot see when things are turning toxic because that person has been a constant presence in our lives. I turned an old friend loose when I was in my thirties. She never missed an opportunity to try and make me feel bad about myself and less than her, often in very subtle ways. Longevity does not excuse that kind of behaviour and it most certainly doesn't excuse blatantly coming on to your fella. Would you let it slip if it was an acquaintance or a stranger?

Tork

I'd meet up with her as normal and casually say "John mentioned you were texting him the other night" and see what her reaction to that is. I wouldn't mention the content of the messages straight away but try to gauge what she's at. As to what to do next, that's up to you. You now see her in a completely different light and you'll figure it out for yourself.

Xterminator

+1 to Sardonicat advice!

Review the friendship. if you decide its worth keeping then conact her and ask for explanation and see if apology is forthcoming.
If you decide its not worth it, or you don't get a good explanation/apology, cut out all contact.

Sonic the Shaghog

Just to play devils advocate

You only know this man 2 month's , is there any chance at all he could setup a fake convo to ruin your friendship if maybe he's a controlling nature? Any red flags from him?

Frankly I doubt he is, but just in case

Smile111

She isn't your friend let alone best friend.
Cut all ties and you will be a lot happier person.

osarusan

As somebody said, best case scenario is that she was plastered and feels horrible and stupid about it. But by now she must have sobered up and seen the messages, so maybe a hugely apologetic message is coming your way soon.

If you decide to contact her, I wouldn't agree that you should bring it up casually and gauge her reaction. If she says it was just a few messages, no big deal, then where do you go from there?

I think you should message her with one of the screenshots and ask directly what is going on.

Purple Mountain

If this is completely out of her character consider the following..

Could someone have logged into her account and be doing this as a sick joke?

Could your boyfriend be lying?

Also as someone mentioned above could she have heard something about him and other women and she's setting a honeypot trap for evidence for you?

Think we need to know more about her character and your friendship for the bigger picture.

cannotlogin

If she did it, she's no friend and no loss.

There is the tiniest of an outside chance that there's an alternative explanation, lost her phone, hubby thinks she's cheating & is investigating, left her account logged in somewhere.....I highly doubt it but maybe....

It's easy enough to find out, just say it to her next time you see her face to face, most people are rubbish liers and you'll know by her reaction the minute you mentioned he told you she had messaged him.

Fairly low of her to behave like that. At least he was decent enough to tell you. A lot of people would assume ye were testing him and might have just phased you out without mentioning it.

I think I'd probably give her a chance. Send a text something like "Hi Mary. I think we both know it's not appropriate for you to text John, OK? Give me a shout the next time you're out and about with (kids name) and we can have a coffee and a chat."

It's kinda up to her then to make the next move (no pun intended) and / or apologise and explain.

Best of luck anyway.

OP, this isn't a turn the other cheek kind of situation. She's done it to you this time but who knows when in the past or when in the future she'll do the dirty on you.

Can't for the life of me understand how people can recommend you give her any sort of a chance. She did one of the scummiest things one person can do to another. She's a rotten person, deep down. Rotten. Better off without her in your life.

extra gravy

I'm amazed some people are suggesting ending a 27 year friendship just like that, in favour of a guy the OP barely knows. I'd suggest confronting your friend face to face OP and not to make any drastic decisions before that.

Sardonicat

extra gravy wrote: »

I'm amazed some people are suggesting ending a 27 year friendship just like that, in favour of a guy the OP barely knows. I'd suggest confronting your friend face to face OP and not to make any drastic decisions before that.

I'm amazed that someone would be so low as to come on to a friend of 27 years' partner.

If Mary were single, then yeah, I'd probably agree with the majority on here. But that she has a partner and kids and is / was seemingly on the verge of blowing all that up for a fling that would also alienate her best friend?

I'd like to think I'd give my friend of that long a chance to reach out if they needed it.

Anyway, I know it's not supposed to be a discussion on here so I'll leave it at that.

tara73

this sounds crazy OP, crazy from your friend and I doubt it's some misunderstanding involved.
Agree with the suggestion to confront her directly. Do it as soon as possble, phone her tomorrow and confront her with it. This is not some minor stuff, it's a break deal for the friendship, so no need to pussyfoot around. See what she has to say and go from there.


Kudos to your BF, he dealt with it very mature and the right way to let you know immediately.

extra gravy

Sardonicat wrote: »

I'm amazed that someone would be so low as to come on to a friend of 27 years' partner.

I'd just like to hear the full story before jumping to conclusions. Boyfriends come and go, lifelong friends do not.

irishblessing

So she would cheat and ruin her family, and a very long standing friendship too? What on earth is wrong with that lady. She sounds like a very unhappy person to me, must be some big issue with her to risk her most important relationships like that. I think after 27 years of friendship she at least owes you a conversation and you can decide if you can ever trust her again after that.

sunshinew

I would follow the advice of only bringing this up face to face... You need to put her on the spot to guage her reaction. Texting will give her time to cover her tracks and make up excuses.
If you've only been dating this guy a couple of months how much does she really know him? Surely she could only have met him a couple of times at most? Is there a small chance her husband saw she'd made a new friend on Facebook and is suspicious and trying to catfish? Have you actually seen the messages on your boyfriend's Facebook...not just screenshots - So you can see the conversation from start to finish? You need as much solid info as possible before you confront her.
If she really has done this to you, I'd find it very hard to forgive... she may be having her own mental health crisis and feeling frumpish and bored in her marriage but to try to sabotage her friends first relationship in a long time is massively self destructive. I think people sometimes have roles in long-term friendships - she's the happy settled one and you're her single unlucky friend that she can feel more successful beside... A bit of jealousy that suddenly you've the exciting love life could have triggered this.

ILoveYourVibes

This is why i dont introduce guys to my friends

She was never your friend op.

Pkiernan

Ditching a friend of 25 years over a 2 month lockdown "relationship" would be an extreme reaction.

bitofabind

It’s a pretty WTF scenario to be in so I’d be reacting exactly like that with my friend if I were you. Set up a coffee date or a walk and say it to her face. “John told me you were messaging him, what’s that all about?”

extra gravy

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

This is why i dont introduce guys to my friends

She was never your friend op.

You need new friends then.. Pretty sad if you can't trust them.

Dtp1979

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

This is why i dont introduce guys to my friends

.

That’s a pretty insane statement

antix80

Betrayed wrote: »

Do I end a 27 year long friendship over this?

Personally I'd call her, tell her i know what she's been up to and ask her how would her partner feel if he found out. And let her stew.

What a twisted little fantasy she's been dreaming and probably sent those flirty texts after a bottle or 2.

If she's not scared straight I'd call it a day with her her. She might push you away sooner than take responsibility for her own daft actions.

ThewhiteJesus

weemcd wrote: »

That's pretty low. Your boyfriend must have been thinking wtf is going on.

I'd burn her immediately and cut off all contact.

I’d say he was thinking threesome

Kylta

OP. If possible when you confront her face to face ( which is the honourable way to do it). Can you let all the posters on this thread know the outcome. Because I would like to hear you friends side of it.

SusieBlue

There is no excuse for this, screenshots don’t lie. This woman isn’t your friend and this is typical narcissistic behaviour.
Her behaviour was absolutely brazen, not only risking her friendship with you but also her marriage, just to sabotage your relationship and a bit of male attention? This is not the kind of person you need in your life.

If you see a future with this guy I would confront her in person and then cut her out. He’s gonna think it’s weird if you continue a friendship with a woman who tried it on with him.
I would feel no regrets about telling her where to go, but as others have said, make sure it’s face to face and in public so you can gauge her reaction and she doesn’t have time to come up with an excuse.
What she did was completely unacceptable, and if I were you I’d be questioning which of your previous relationships she may have also meddled with in the past.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Kylta please do not ask an OP for updates as per the Charter.

OP do not feel obliged to come back with any update.

Thanks

HS

Kylta

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Note

Kylta please do not ask an OP for updates as per the Charter.

OP do not feel obliged to come back with any update.

Thanks

HS

My apologies for my mistake

Katgurl

I would send her the screenshot and a message saying "I think we need to talk".

If she blames it on her husband logging into her account say you are sending on the screenshots to him and see what she says.

If she says she was testing him for you then I'd cut her off.

It she blanks you I'd cut her off and send the screenshots to her husband.

If she grovels and apologises I would hear her out but our friendship would be changed and damaged forever.

How did she feel confident in doing this and not fear the boyfriend telling you. Was he encouraging her, does she just not care.

LegacyUser

You should tell her that your boyfriend was acting weird with his phone, then you happened to see that he had a chat with her on facebook....and when you asked what it was about he deleted it really quickly so you couldn't see it...and that he is pissed off with you now and hasn't been talking to him...and then ask her what the conversation was about.

She might say she deleted it too..so it would be interesting if she tried to throw him under the bus by making out he started it!!

Panthro

Meet up as normal. At some point the convo will get to your relationship.
You say you're thinking of ending it. She'll ask why. You say you've a feeling he's been messaging another girl. You could even go so far as to say you were with him the other night and you noticed he was on his phone a lot.. Put the shyts up her!
If she comes clean and says it was her, at least you'll hear her version/reasoning and make your own judgement.
If she keeps stum you have all you need to know regards your friendship.

But before you do all that, Slim chance but are u/him 100% certain it's the friend? As in make 100% sure the number he was messaging was hers. Someone could have changed the name on his phone and he might not have noticed. Could be a mate pranking him. There's idiots out there.

And best of luck with it.

Take it from someone who has lived as long as I have. When something big happens in your life and you need help, only then do you find out who your real friends are. You are often very surprised.

And BTW your boyfriend did exactly the right thing. If you start questioning him now he will be out of there and thinking you are just as crazy as your friend, and who could blame him.