Confused if my relationship is going anywhere or become stale

LegacyUser

I'm 46 and my boyfriend is 57. Neither married before and no children. We have never lived together and no talk of it. We live in the west, about 45 minutes apart. I know my boyfriend wouldn't move from where he lives. He's never said he loves me. I told him a couple of times early on but haven't repeated it since. I'm thinking of saying it again soon, I'm just curious how he feels now.

Lately, I'm starting to feel a bit bored in the relationship. We only see each other a night or two a week. This weekend for example, he visited me yesterday afternoon and left straight after breakfast today, even though we're both on holidays at the moment. For various reasons, I can't see this changing any time soon. We never have deep and meaningful conversations, never talk about our future.

I suppose I'm wondering is talking about the future something that should be done after 4 years in a relationship, or do we just continue to drift along, hang out now and again?

This might seem silly, but I get nervous when cooking for him, he feels he's a great cook and rarely compliments mine!

woodchuck

OP you should absolutely talk about your future together. Otherwise another 4 years could drift by with nothing changing.

It sounds like you’re unhappy with the way things are and want more. Maybe he’s just gotten comfortable/lazy in the relationship, but would be open to taking things to the next level. Or maybe he’s happy with how things are and doesn’t want anything to change. It's possible that at the age of 57, he enjoys his lifestyle and doesn't want anything more than what you both currently have together. The only way you’re going to know how he feels is if you talk it out though.

If it turns out you don’t want the same things though, it might be time to call it a day on the relationship.

osarusan

After 4 years? Definitely not too soon to be discussing things like that.

Your relationsip seems to have frozen somewhere around the 3 or 6 month point, and not progressed since.

You need to consider though, what you want from the relationship in the long-term, and what you want the outcome of the discussion to be. Like, if he says 'what do you mean when you say progress the relationship?', or, as the poster above me said, 'what do you mean by take it to the next level?', then what would your answer to those questions be.

fineso.mom

You're still young and no ties,, ye should be having fun, but it sounds a bit boring? After four years to not know how the other person feels about you and to be nervous about cooking for him, doesnt sound like a good relationship. You really shouldn't be nervous us about cooking for a partner, that doesn't sit right with me at all.
I wouldn't mind so much about not saying I love you, if it was obvious in other ways.. Like wanting to be with you for as long as possible when ye are both on holidays for example, but even then, after 4 years to not have said it. Has he explained why he doesn't say it, some people do struggle to say it but they would try to say something similar,, I care about you, you're the most important person in my life, being with you makes me so happy... Does he say anything like that?
What you are describing wouldn't work for me and you haven't said anything positive about him. How did ye get together, did ye have deep conversations at the start?

JasonStatham

Wow he sounds boring.....no wonder ur saying it's going stale.

Neyite

It sounds like a casual friends-with-benefits arrangement. Do you go out on dates? Weekends away? Socialise with friends together as a couple?


If you want more out of the relationship - co-habiting, marriage, proper couple stuff, it's perfectly fine to want them and it's perfectly fine to communicate that to a partner. It's also fine for them to not want those things and then you call it a day if that's the case.

Firstly, work out what you do want in your relationship, then talk to him directly about it. Tell him what you'd like your future in the relationship to be like and ask him what he wants. If he wants more, great, start planning something concrete. If he says that he's happy the way it is and doesn't want anything more, well you have your answer and you can start planning what you want based on that. Either way, you'll know instead of wondering.

Xterminator

Hi OP

Do you know what he wants from this relationship?
Does he know what you want from it?

This is important because if what he wants is companionship a couple of times a week he has everything he needs. It does sound like you are not getting everything you want.

So the solution is simple enough. Tell him what you want, see if it is what he wants, or close, and if there is any room for compromise. then decide. But to let things drift for years on the hope he will wake up next year and make an honest woman of you ... seems futile.

Emme

OP there is a similar thread where the female partner is dissatisfied because the male partner (they are similarly aged to you and your boyfriend) has his own house near his family and despite being together a number of years he has not invited her to live with him, does not want to live with her and is happy with the situation despite her not being happy with it.

It seems like your situation is similar. Your boyfriend seems to be happy with the situation as is and I would doubt that he intends changing anything. Like someone else said, it sounds like a friends with benefits arrangement especially if he left straight after breakfast. Is this normal or had he something on that day? If it's normal then he's not really invested in the relationship. He's getting what he wants (the company of a younger woman) but no real ties.

Are you happy to continue like this? Would you prefer this arrangement to being single for the rest of your life but not feeling short-changed? You need to decide what you want. Tell him you feel that the relationship should be progressing more after 4 years, there are people who get engaged and married well within this time.