Two roads diverged

franklv

I recently read a book about a Holocaust survivor who created a school of psychotherapy; his theory essentially involves overcoming pain and trauma through finding meaning in one's life.

My background is that, through my own fault, I dated a girl for a number of years who is 'the one that got away'. No doubt about it and there's no repairing it.

To the extent that anyone is in a similar position, have you found meaning or value in settling for someone else or would you rather go it alone long-term as a single pringle? I'm coming to think I might be best off on my own and ploughing all my efforts into my career.

TheadoreT

Yeah that's not the worst plan OP. Dating while you're currently obsessed with your ex is probably unfair on those women unless you're fully honest with them. So probably for now best to perhaps crack on full steam with your career and maybe try find a no strings relationship where both parties are happy with the deal.

And who knows down the line those feelings may fade for your ex and you may be in a better place to pursue a more serious relationship or someone wonderful may come in your life without pursuing.

Thelonious Monk

There is no one that got away, they got away because the relationship wasn't right. It's natural enough to ponder on these things but some people become obsessive about it and clearly that's unhealthy. Just focus on being content with yourself, at peace in your head. Be as healthy as you can physically and mentally. I would recommend daily meditation with an app like Headspace and exercise as often as you can. Oh and I found therapy to be very helpful if you're struggling mentally.

Hannibal_Smith

I think it's more about letting go to be honest. If you 'plough everything into your career' are you not doing it to distract from the hurt?

I'm not sure whether the break up from this person is recent or not? But I would think if you focus on accepting that it ended and letting go of that, rather than letting go of all hope altogether its a much healthier way of mobing forward.

Like someone said above, the relationship wasn't right. It's hard to see it now I'm sure, but I don't believe there is a 'one that got away' theory either.

bitofabind

Man’s Search for Meaning is an incredible book. I come back to it a couple of times a year for the perspective it gives on what really matters.

However, I think your interpretation of your ex as being your meaning or your purpose in life isn’t going to help you and if you don’t interrogate it, it’s going to cause you unnecessary suffering. The one thing that the Holocaust survivor Frankl rails against. Life is hard enough without creating these additional hardships for ourselves.

She is not your meaning or your purpose. Love is. What you had with her was special and rare, but it was not going to work in the long term. We don’t see that in the aftermath of a breakup. We rose-tint. We see nothing but her/him. We misremember. Our brain is in withdrawal mode and this is an entirely normal process experienced by most people. What you need to work towards is acceptance and letting go.

Now for some practical advice. You need to figure out what it is that helps you to accept and to let go. Self compassion is key. You didn’t “mess up”, you did the best thing you knew to do in the moment. That was then and this is now. When you know better, you do better. What can you learn from this? What can help you to come to terms with the breakup? Time is an important factor. In the early days you will feel hurt, raw, devastated, and that’s ok. Let those feelings exist. Write it down if it helps, take some long walks in nature, meditate. Be a parent to yourself, this stuff is hard. But you won’t always feel this way.

Maybe you could consider that if love is your meaning, now is your time to practise that with loving yourself first. Accept where you are now. Keep yourself fit and healthy. Get your sleep and exercise, eat well, sit with yourself. The answers that you need for finding that happier future for yourself lie within you. Not with your ex.

The chan chan man

There are approx 4 billion women in the world. You were with the “one that got away” for a few years based mainly on geographical coincidence. I wouldn’t worry too much and move on. Don’t remain lonely to focus on your job. That is certainly not the meaning of life.