Guidance wanted lonely male in early 30s

LegacyUser

Hi all,

TL:DR - I am a man in my early 30s, I have just returned to Ireland and I have few friends despite living in childhood area. My family are also causing me stress. How do I make friends as a 30 year old? Should I try to re-connect with friends I dropped?

Background

I lived a very privileged early childhood in South Dublin. I now see that while my parents are good, decent people, were co-dependent on each other and we had an enmeshed family together with my younger brother. When I was 21, my father was getting stressed out over work and life and wasn't really communicating or contributing to family life. The recession hit his business and he had to close it. My mother began an affair with a man at their golf club. My father flipped out and they got divorced. That is when things started to get bad for me...

Over the next 10 years, I went from having nearly anything I wanted to struggling to make ends meet. My brother dropped out of school and took up alcohol and weed. I dropped out of college twice. An extended family member that I was close with took his own life. The condition of the house we lived in deteriorated. At various stages I suffered from depression and anxiety. I emigrated to find work, got an injury that hindered my ability to do physical exercise. At various times during those 10 years I drank to excess and was difficult at times. Due to everything that was going on, sometimes I got too drunk, sometimes argumentative and lost friends due to alcohol. Nothing too bad, just silly stuff.

Fast forward to today and the issue

I have returned to Dublin. During the 10 years of sheer pain and hurt, I managed to compete a degree in Dublin, a masters in London. Made a good few friends in London, got fitter, dropped the weight and have sourced a stable, well-paying job in Dublin. I should be very happy. But I am lonely.

Last year, I had a falling out with my group of friends. It started when I was starting to be the butt of the jokes in the group. Suddenly, for no reason, one of them didn't invite me to his wedding. When someone else asked him why he gave a watery, silly answer. But again, I had to take it and accept it as I was the 'chump'of the group. I had other disagreements with two other lads in the group over their drug use and use of 'escorts'. I don't agree with that stuff. Another one, thinks he is God's gift to women and has casual sex with women, leading them all on for relationships but dumps them immediately after he is done. They were toxic friends apart from one or two so I stopped hanging out with them.

My brother who I love more than anything (and live with) has started the booze and drugs again too and is acting erratically and aggressively verbally.

So I have weathered a storm, finally got myself on a bit of a stable footing and started to really better myself however I am lonely.

How do I meet friends/people in my 30s? Should I go back to that group of friends? My confidence is a bit shot but I am a decent looking fella so would like to meet a lady to start a relationship with too.

Sorry for the long post, I appreciate any guidance you can give.

zoobizoo

"How do I make friends as a 30 year old? Should I try to re-connect with friends I dropped?"

It's tempting to reconnect with old friends, even when you don't actually like them, in order to not feel lonely.

I made loads of friends in my 30s - I joined a club of a sport that I took up in my 30s and made male and female friends there.


As for your old pals - don't bother with them. Sounds like they're not the type of people you would hang out with if you had an alternative social life.


So my advice is to leave the old gang alone and see if there are any clubs you can join where you will meet more like minded people.

qwerty13

Don’t go back to your old acquaintances. It sounds like you didn’t like their choices, and they weren’t very nice to you.

I’m afraid I’ll say the oft repeated advice: try to find a hobby that you can engage in, and you are more likely to meet people in that. Or volunteering. Or meet-up sessions.

Have you considered counselling? It sounds to me that although you had an easy life from a money perspective when young, your emotional life got harder with your parents non-communicative relationship, the undoubted stress for the whole family of the closure of your Dad’s business, your mother’s affair, and your parents subsequent divorce. That’s a lot to deal with. Do you think you’re at peace with that? The argumentative behaviour when drunk does speak of unhappiness that you haven’t resolved.

Why did you come back to Dublin? And do you think that’s added to or subtracted from your life/happiness?

Tbh I don’t think you should live with your brother. It sounds like neither of you are in a particularly good place, and it would be all too easy to feed into each other’s issues arising from your family history.

But! You’ve done so well in qualifications and furthering your life. It honestly sounds to me like going back to your old ‘friends’ would be a regressive step for you. I understand that you’re feeling lonely, but why not try broadening your social circle with hobbies, volunteering or meet-up sessions?

I don’t think you sound ready for a relationship yet, even though sound like a very aware and decent guy. But if you worked on increasing your socialising with potential new friends, and perhaps tried counselling, I think you’d be in a better place, and more into the frame of mind of having lots to offer a woman in relationship terms. I’m not criticising you when I say that I don’t think that’s where you’re at right now. It’s the oft repeated expression that you have to ‘love yourself’ first - so (in my opinion) you have a few things to address yourself first, and then absolutely go for it with relationships.

Wishing you well.

Wanderer78

Consider counselling, that's a lot to have dealt with alone, clubs are a great way of meeting people when you get older, best of luck with things

zanador

I came back to Ireland having been away for a long time, and moved with a new baby to an area I didn't know as a single mother.

My advice is to look at volunteering as well as joining clubs? There's stuff for everyone everywhere, maybe tidy towns or something? It doesn't really matter if you're not totally into the actual work as you're looking to socialise. And the more you do the more you'll find there's a whole volunteering/club community out there and even if you take a long time to make close friends you will have regular friends that you see every week. And you make friends quickly when you've a common task. Your old friends were into the 'coke and hookers' lifestyle as their thing in common. You'll never for into that and don't go back and try.

Lastly, walk into these places confidently, not arrogantly, but with the knowledge that you've dealt with a lot and are coming through and look at people in terms of who interests you rather than hoping you'll interest them. Good luck, just stop thinking about it and take the plunge.

Oh and counselling at the same time also. Work with your hands while you're sorting out your mind .

blueskys

Man that's an honest post. You sound like a sensitive, decent soul. Friends will come and go especially in your 20s/30s.Despite your parents difficulties it sounds like you had a secure childhood and can tell right from wrong behaviour. Don't worry, be yourself and Express yourself through whatever interests you have. Examine your relationship with your parents as a child as that has the most effect on you as a person. Find out what you like to do and be with people that you are comfortable around and accept you for who you are. Work is not everything especially if it's not fulfilling. Use it to get you where you want to go if you get me...where do you want to go?

Hiitsme

Firstly, well done on going back to College and reaching your academic goals. I agree with all the advice on here. Counselling is so worthwhile. I went through it myself and it was life changing. I can't recommend it enough. You sound like the type of person who would embrace counselling. You never mentioned having a relationship ... has there ever been anyone special in your life? As for making friends I agree with others. Distance yourself from your old friends. People move on, mature at different rates, it's not uncommon to grow out of friends you had when you were younger. Just move on from them. I work with a colleague who is single. She dated a guy for years. They got engaged but he treated her really badly (cheating, using her for money etc.). He eventually called off their engagement ... she was devastated. She went through a bad patch of drinking and eating too much. Anyway, she joined a social group about a year ago. She said it is made up of "guys, gals, single people, divorced people and everyone in between" She said they meet up for days out, nights out, weekends away. I thought it was a great idea. She told me very recently she clicked with a guy and they are now dating. I'm delighted for her. I presume it's a group on meetup.com ... lots of social groups on that. My brother joined a hill walking group a few years ago. Like you, he had got to a stage in life where he was friendless and quite lonely. His group meet every weekend for walks in the Wicklow mountains, they have a pub lunch and a few pints after their walks. He has even been on holidays with different members of the group. It's a large group so the potential of meeting lots of different people and making new friends is high. And he met a lovely special lady in the process ... so he is very happy with life

LegacyUser

You have a masters, a job, in shape, stable (no health conditions by the sounds of things) foot loose and fancy free at 30+

That puts you in the top 10 percentile of men.

Any social group that has a "chump" or someone they use as the butt of jokes are idiots and going no where.

From my POV it sounds like you need to hook up with some hotties and forget about this "friends/social circle" stuff.
We only did that as kids to help us hook up with girls.

You've got everything at your finger tips. Work with that.

LegacyUser

Lonelyin30s wrote: »

How do I meet friends/people in my 30s? Should I go back to that group of friends? My confidence is a bit shot but I am a decent looking fella so would like to meet a lady to start a relationship with too.

No you don't go back to that group of friends, you've stepped away from them for a reason. You don't share the same interests or views and frankly I'd rather be on my own then pretending to someone I'm not to other people. There's no insta fix OP and it's slightly more difficult now with Covid but best way to met people is to do things you like doing and met people interested in the same thing. Plenty of forums on boards for every topic under the sun so maybe start there but remember it will take time OP so don't get upset if people don't become best friend over night. One of my best friends spent several years doing online dating getting no where so they decided to take a break and focus on themselves, started going to a film club and met their now husband there.