Ex came back after 5 months no contact

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

Was seeing someone for approx 5 or 6 months which kinda fell apart at the beginning of lockdown in March, partly due to me over pursuing - bored at home not working. In hindsight looking back it was a bad idea kept texting etc when she was still busy working away. I can now understand it came off needy and clingy, but before that it was going really well. She broke it off over text it citing she needs space etc and with the lockdown we wouldn't have been able to meet anyway as we live about 30 miles from each other - usual rhetoric, but plausible because of whats going on. I was more gutted about the manner it was done by, as we used to talk for hours and hours on end on the phone, but the text message was cold and hurtful.

It was difficult at the time, and i probably spent a solid month or two over over thinking things for a while, as there wasn't much else going on in life to distract me. I thought we really clicked, and we really enjoyed each others company, shared similar interests, going out and experiencing different things throughout the few months together. I have dated a wide variety of people over the last two years or so, but this definitely felt different, and I knew this from early on. We met through mutual friends, and my friend asked me what had happened but I played it down and didn't mention her in conversation at all. They stopped mentioning her too after a few weeks.

After some of the restrictions eased I went on a couple of dates with people I met online, and while they weren't exactly people I wanted to continue seeing, it was nice to finally be able to go do that again and meet new people and move on somewhat.

Fast forward to last Friday. I stopped following her on Instagram, but unknown to me, she still was following me. I was out with a few friends for dinner in the evening time and one of my friends took a great candid photo of me, so I put it up on my Instagram story. I checked my phone a while later when I got home, and she had replied straight away. I was keeping conversation to a minimum, but she kept replying at length and joking etc, so I kept the conversation going.

This went on for about 4 hours. It was getting late and I asked was she at much for the weekend? She said no, so I asked if she wanted to meet up? She replied and said no I think it would be better to remain friends. I told her that I obviously like her more than a friend and to contact me if she ever changed her mind. She said she wished she wasn't messed up and I deserve someone better. I never replied to that, but the whole encounter has been playing on my mind since.

I felt like I had kinda got over it in some way, but this has dragged me right back in and has not only made me continually think of our conversation the other night, but also our time together. My mind is telling me to move on again, but my heart still yearns for her. Initially after she broke it off with me I longed for her to get back in touch, but now I think it may have been a disaster she did, as it re-opened old wounds, and has led me to re-think what could have been. I spoke to a friend(different to one mentioned) earlier about it, who suggested reaching out again this weekend, but I am in two minds.

Am I reading into her reaching out to me too much? I did get other replies from male and female friends to my Instagram story saying I was looking great and happy etc, so I know it must have played a part in her to contact me? Why reach out to ultimately stay friends, or way I too quick to suggest meeting up, or should I have replied at all? I am confused and can't make sense of it.

bitofabind

She thought you looked well and fancied a bit of flirty banter. To be cynical maybe she wanted the ego boost of knowing you were still into her. She certainly got that. There was clearly no greater intention behind it and as the wise man says, she’s just not that into you. Simple as that really. Happens to the best of us.

By no means contact her again. She’s been pretty clear that you’re on a hiding to nothing. Block her from Instagram so she doesn’t engage with you again and move on.

osarusan

Block her.

She should know better than to instigate 'friends only' contact with somebody she broke up with.

Part of me wonders if it is a coincidence that she contacted you on the day you stopped following her on instagram, but I don't know enough about instagram and how it works to be sure about it.

Potatoeman

‘You deserve better’ usually means I deserve better (not that into you) or she has crossed you (dumped you for someone else). Neither is good, also staying friends and ‘let me know if you change your mind’ seems a bit desperate.

LegacyUser

"wished she wasn't messed up and I deserve someone better"

Ie.. You deserve someone who wants to be with you.

She doesn't.

I'd avoid.

leggo

A lesson I’ve learned the hard way is that whenever someone tells you they’re ‘crazy’ or ‘messed up’, take the warning sign and run. It’s not even that they’re crazy or have all these bad mental health issues (though they might be), it’s more a case of them looking for permission to mess you around then later point to saying that as “Well I did warn you!” as if it makes it okay. Another similar example you’ll see often is when someone says they’re not looking for anything serious, then proceeds to partake in what anyone would describe as a serious relationship, then messes someone around.

I’m going to be blunt and hopefully in time you’ll see this for yourself: this is a selfish person who does not care about you. She likely got a kick out of it that night when she got you to ask her out and she could reject you again despite her starting and inviting the interaction entirely of her own accord. She’ll probably do it again down the line when she feels a bit low and wants to feel wanted, knowing you’ll come running. If you pushed hard enough, or played games, you’d probably be able to get her to meet you and maybe even get a ride or two out of it, but that way ends up in you being hurt all over again because she’s telling you now indirectly that she doesn’t care about you and will do so if you let her,with the ‘I’m so messed up’ stuff being a get out of jail card. That’s what that means in real terms.

You can tell yourself that I don’t know her and that there’s ‘unfinished business’ or whatever, I’m telling you that if you pursue this you’ll eventually learn that she realises you feel that way too and will use that against you if you let her.

Warbeastrior

Cut all contact. She broke up with you so she should have done the right thing and give you space to get over her but instead she messages you to reel you back in for an ego boost.

Stay clear. She's only gonna play with your feelings.

valoren

She contacted you. You had the back and forth. Then you asked if she was doing anything for the weekend. She said no. You then asked the logical follow up question. Would like to meet up? You got the let's be friends line. If she was at all interested romantically then she'd have leapt at the chance to meet up again. Essentially what she is saying is "I'm not doing anything...and yet I still won't make the time to meet you" You have your answer considering you want a relationship and not a friendship. Strikes me as an ego boost messaging you and messing you about.

TheadoreT

We can be irrationally optimistic when in love and often manifests itself in giving us false hope when in reality there's non there, and this drags out the pain longer than if you're fully honest with the situation.

The irrational side of this story is believing that she ended it initially becuase covid was too hard without seeing each other. The irrational side of her texting you now is to believe that she still harbours strong feelings for you. The irrational side of believing why she rejected to meet up would be that she may get her feelings hurt again and shes protecting herself. None of that is true.

The rational truth is that she made you feel needy and had you almost blaming yourself for why it ended. The rational side is that if she loved you Covid restrictions would have been difficult but not close to an excuse to end things. And rationally if she still had feelings she'd jump at the opportunity to meet again but clearly stated she just wanted to be friends.

Tork

I wonder did your relationship really break up because of you over-pursuing? Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you felt her interest was waning and you ramped up the contact to try and stop her from slipping away. Then she got p*ssed off and broke it off by text. Like the others, I don't see any signs that she wants to get back together with you. Her reasons for making contact with you again could be anything from nosiness, guilt at the way she broke off the relationship to an ego boost. Who knows? Her reaction to your suggestion that you meet up says it all. She backed off straight away and trotted out some excuses from cliché central. The problem with letting people down gently is that it leads to confusion like this. We've all been there in some way or another. When you like somebody and there's no obvious sign they feel the same way, the mind plays tricks.

LegacyUser

I feel for you, I do and it's a crap situation.

I had a similar thing happen to me last year when a guy I was seeing for 5 months decided he didn't know what he wanted,needed time yada yada.I had to drag it out of him as he kept contacting me but was avoiding meeting again.Told me over text too which I was gutted about.I told him not to contact me again until he had stuff figured and if I was still single we'd see.He texted me 6 mths later (on x-mas eve!).The message was ambiguous and could've been an attempt to get back (he seemed to be fishing if I was still single)or could've been him literally reminding me he wasn't interested.I couldn't believe anyone would send the latter esp at x-mas so like an idiot I assumed he wanted back and sent a nice reply where he then offered to help me with something in my house.However, when I then went to take him up on offer he wasn't "around" for next 3 weeks lol!Because he'd offered and cos I liked him I was still too blinkered to see he only wanted an ego boost.We ended up having to and fro of texts where I wouldn't answer but he'd initiate again.

Total headwreck.In end I got so fed up I called him out on his behaviour and he claimed he'd only been apologising at x-mas.But his message had no sorry or regret and he, without my prompting, offered to see me.He literally I believe was just looking for ego boost.That f*cked me up more than the way he'd originally ended it.He just came back to rub it in.

Learn from me.This girl is only massaging her ego.If she'd really felt bad about how she treated you or wanted to date again she'd have contacted you a lot sooner and probably not via instagram.Also her being "messed up",like previous posters have said is just an excuse to treat you badly in future.Block her and don't look back cos if you don't she'll come back around when lonely/bored/looking for ego boost and the only one that'll get hurt is you.Good luck!

Calypso Realm

Actually OP how she ended things (after 5 months to end it via a text like that is awful) I would most definitely have ignored her message. She most likely would have reached out again.....and I would have done the same! She showed her true colours that time and it would have been enough to have me running for the hills. No way, would I ever entertain someone like this again, ever. OK I fully understand and empathise how hurt you must have felt at the time and how her 'reconnnecting' gave you a gllmmer of hope, but folk tell you who they really are through their actions and when they do like she did that time, they are best cut off...... for good.

Basically, IMO what she did was quite cruel. In all probability, she noticed you stopped following her, saw you were having a great night out ie you were moving on and wanted to reel you back in again for an ego-boost. It's one thing to come back full of apologies for past behaviour etc, wanting a second chance (and even then I'd be wary) but she didn't even do this and the minute you suggested meeting up (even as friends!) she didn't want to know! She's bad news OP and I'd block her now! I'm sorry you feel like this now OP but in time, you'll be so glad you did! Don't dwell on it OP. Keep doing what you're doing, meeting up with your friends etc and after a while she'll be a distant memory....