Concerned about age gap

Anon202020

Hi guys, would appreciate views on this issue without being berated.

Basically I just turned 21 in June, and I have been seeing a girl who is 16, turning 17 in November. I know it’s not allowed legally, but I really am not with her just to take advantage of her or anything of the sort. We actually originally started talking because I am friends with her brother who is 23.

Her parents approve of the relationship and I regularly visit her home and I get on well with her family. I have recently been stressing because I’ve been made aware of some people who have been talking about the relationship and saying I’m a weirdo and things like that.

She is going into 6th year in September and I am just finished 2nd year of college. I know it’s legally wrong and a lot of people don’t understand how a 21 year old and 16/17 year old could have anything in common but we really do and she is like my best friend. It might be wrong but the way I justify it is we could drive only a couple of hours over the border into NI and it would be completely legal, but maybe I’m just trying to justify it.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe just peoples views.

Thanks.

Gooey Looey

Anon202020 wrote: »

Hi guys, would appreciate views on this issue without being berated.

Basically I just turned 21 in June, and I have been seeing a girl who is 16, turning 17 in November. I know it’s not allowed legally, but I really am not with her just to take advantage of her or anything of the sort. We actually originally started talking because I am friends with her brother who is 23.

Her parents approve of the relationship and I regularly visit her home and I get on well with her family. I have recently been stressing because I’ve been made aware of some people who have been talking about the relationship and saying I’m a weirdo and things like that.

She is going into 6th year in September and I am just finished 2nd year of college. I know it’s legally wrong and a lot of people don’t understand how a 21 year old and 16/17 year old could have anything in common but we really do and she is like my best friend. It might be wrong but the way I justify it is we could drive only a couple of hours over the border into NI and it would be completely legal, but maybe I’m just trying to justify it.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe just peoples views.

Thanks.

In 5 years time nobody will bat an eyelid

SusieBlue

I’ll be honest and say I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be dating a 16 year old, she is still a child and you are at completely different life stages.
A 5 year gap is nothing when you are in your 20’s but it’s quite significant in your situation.

You are about to go into your final year of college and she’s only going into 6th year. I know that with covid these kinds of things aren't really relevant, but you can’t even go for drinks in the pub with this girl for another 15 months because she isn’t of age.
You can’t go on weekend breaks with her or do many of the other usual rites of passage in an adult relationship because she is under 18.

I don’t doubt your heart is in the right place and that you aren’t taking advantage of her but don’t forget that despite the fact that her parents currently approve of you, they could just as easily change their minds report you for statutory rape should things go sour.

I would suggest trying to be friends with her until she is a little older, if you absolutely can’t do that then you shouldn’t be having a sexual relationship with her until after her 17th birthday.
You need to protect yourself too, and holding out is legally in your best interests as much as it hers.

Cash_Q

"I know it's not allowed legally"

"I know its legally wrong"

You've said it yourself exactly why this shouldn't continue. Why do you think these laws are in place? It is to protect vulnerable children who do not yet have the capacity to make decisions in adult relationships. She is still a child, no matter what you think about the rules in NI, you're here not there.

SusieBlue

She’s young for 6th year, as well.
Most would consider a 6th year to be on the cusp of adulthood, but she’s quite a bit away from that yet.
I turned 18 during my last year of school as did most of my classmates, however there were one or two who skipped TY and were only 16 turning 17 in their final year.
They were in a distinct minority, though.

Most of those who are 16 going on 17 are going into 5th year this year, not 6th.
So that’s another issue to contend with.
I’m sure you’re justifying the relationship to yourself by focusing on the fact that she’s in her last year of school and will be in college next year, but she’ll be 3 months into her college course before she even comes of age. She’s significantly younger than most students are doing their leaving cert.

If she was going into 5th year, as most kids her age are, would you still think it’s ok to be dating her?

leggo

Gooey Looey wrote: »

In 5 years time nobody will bat an eyelid

...for a reason, because the youngest would be 21 and both legally/morally be old enough to make these kind of decisions. But the fact that she’s 16 right now is the reason people should bat eyelids. It’s very relevant.

OP right now the reality is that you’re an adult dating a child. The fact that her parents approve only makes me more worried for her, as it shows little regard for her safety on their part, which would make sense of why she’d be happy to get into this kind of situation herself...one which one day she may herself look back on as wrong. I know plenty of women who got with older guys when they were 15-16 and thought they were deadly for doing so at the time, I’ve yet to meet one who looks back on it fondly with adult eyes. It doesn’t matter if she’s a ‘mature’ 16 year old, she’s still a child. The fact that you need to even consider maturity level as a factor and qualify it instead of having it as a default is a sign that it’s wrong.

If you find yourself in a situation where you also have to qualify from the outset that you’re not going to take advantage of someone, that should be another red flag that it’s an unhealthy one you need to back out of. You’re taking advantage of her whether you ‘intend’ to or not: it’s not an even relationship, you aren’t at the same stage in life or maturity level, she doesn’t have parents who are concerned for her safety and will be happy to see her get into situations like this. This isn’t Romeo & Juliet, this isn’t a case of forbidden love that the world doesn’t understand...these are all notions that children have about relationships until they grow up and realise these concerns/laws are in place for a reason. So no, none of this is right. If this is an issue you genuinely care about, and you aren’t just posting this thread to have some questionable people tell you what you’re doing is fine, you should be the adult here, end things and move on to date someone within your own maturity level in future.

Big Bag of Chips

Just don't have sex with her and you're not doing anything illegal. If her parents have given their blessing to the relationship then they seem OK with it. The illegal bit would be having sex with her.

You're unlikely to end up married and still together in 40 years time, so be every careful that you don't do anything that could come back to bite you when you break up.

If she gets pregnant before she's 17 the doctor she attends will be obliged to report the statutory rape.

Do not have sex.

Gruffalux

I was 16 when I finished the leaving cert and off I went to the big smoke for a summer job before college. In the hotel where I was working there was a trainee manager, about 23, who took a shine to me. I thought it was lovely, nice walks around Dublin, chatting, sure having someone buy me an ice cream on a city street was insanely thrilling for a kid from the bog. On my part it was an asexual infatuation with an older street wise big brother type. He seemed impossibly sophisticated. It was when he started pushing for more than just kisses that I felt in my gut that I was just a goofy stupid child and he was very much a grown up man. I walked away. OP this girl is very young. 5 years makes a huge difference at that age. I know people used to do it in the old days, get married really young etc. But I don't think it is appropriate now. Wait for a couple of years.

Springfields

Just wait till November, its not that far away and if you care like you say you do, it shouldn't be an issue.
Till then just be friends, build a solid foundation for your relationship.

Idle Passerby

As a 16-18 year old I and my school friends hung around with guys in their early 20s. We thought it meant we were very mature and sophisticated. In hindsight we were just naive teenagers eager to be seen as grown ups. The guys were emotionally under developed creeps who didn't have a chance with women their own age.

Your an adult going out with a child OP. You need to rethink that.

LegacyUser

If you already have had sex, and you mentioning legality suggests you might have, then be very careful how you proceed going forward.

Statutory rape is not a cloud you want following you around. As far as I can recall there have been convictions for this even when the 'victim' never reported nor wanted it reported as they considered it consentual. If you were to get reported it would be irrelevant to 'Johnny Law' whether or not she consented as in the eyes of the law she technically lacks the capacity to consent.

What happens if you have falling out with your friend/her brother?
What if the relationship with this girl doesn't end smoothly?
What if a concerned 'busy body' decides to report you?

Or, what if the girl herself reflects on this in 6/7 years time and comes to the conclusion that a grown adult took advantage of her when she was a vulnerable young woman (child technically)?

If things were to go that route, a rape conviction is not something you want on your record.

November isn't that far away, just three months.

I ain't judging, its a bit mad actually, you and her are almost exactly the same ages as my parents when they first met each other. My father got my mother pregnant shortly before her 17th birthday, and it being early 80's Ireland, a shotgun wedding was arranged in the name of doing the honourable thing, my elder sibling was born before the wedding and I was born a couple of years after. They were married 30 years, still would be had one of them not passed away. I still sometimes think "What on earth was my father doing sniffing around a 16 year old anyway, could he not have found someone his own age?", but at the same time, my eldest sibling and by extension their marriage and I myself wouldn't even exist today, it's strange to sometimes think I basically owe my life to a statutory rape.

But this ain't 1980's Ireland anymore, before that the girl might have been shipped off to a laundry, women's rights are taken far more seriously nowadays. If you're not sexually active with her I'd strongly advise waiting three months, if you do have sex, just think long and hard about the potential implications. It could potentially ruin your life, it might not either, things could all turn out fine, but you have no way of knowing one way or the other right now. Is it really worth the risk? You can be boyfriend / girlfriend and have a relationship until November without having sex.

Neyite

Seeing her isn't illegal.
Having sex with her is illegal.

If she's worth it, you'll make it very clear that you respect that she's under-age, and acknowledge that she's too young to have sex with. Your actions should reflect that.

If she's not someone you can see something serious with, you have to ask yourself why you would pursue something casual that is so damaging to your reputation that it could follow you around for many years.

cj maxx

When I was growing up in the 80’s the good looking local girls had older boyfriends with motorbikes or cars. Much the same age difference as you .
It seemed at the time that the parents of the girls were fully supportive and liked the boyfriends but that was BS . The parents didn’t like their 16/17 daughters going out with older guys ( knowing what was going on) but what could they do ?
If they forbid the girls from seeing them they’d drive them even further into his arms.
It is about keeping you close so they can look after their daughter . If anything goes bad between you and the girl the parents will hang you out to dry if you don’t wait till she’s 17

Tig98

Legality is one thing, maturity is another. She may only be 16, but she's going into 6th year which puts her at the younger end of her peers. Humans aren't computers that undergo updates at specific birthdays - she should be much maturer than other 16 year olds because she is at an advanced stage than them. Don't lump them all into the one prepubescent box.

At the end of the day it's a case by case basis, and even if she was 19 and starting 6th year this year she would still be leaps and bounds behind you because she hasn't experienced college or anything that comes with it. You have to consider that she has much less experience than you and that she has much more formative events to go through yet. Even simple things like the leaving cert, college, debs, moving out, etc. With all these changes you may find yourself out the door sooner than you think.

Just do good by her. And definitely wait until she's 17 before having sex. My mother was 17 when she started dating my father, who is four years older than her. I don't think it ruffled any feathers back then but it definitely doesnt now 30+ years on. Age can be arbitrary enough, either you're compatible or not.

eviltwin

I dated a 22 yr old when I was 17. I don’t recall it ever being an issue or a hindrance and we’re still together so it can last. Just wait before you start having a sexual relationship.

bitofabind

Have you had sex with her?

Dial Hard

When I was 16 I started going out with a 22 year old guy and we ended up staying together for almost three years.

My parents hated him. HATED him. At the time I genuinely couldn't understand why but can obviously see it from their perspective now. They did tolerate him, though, because as someone else has pointed out, they knew that any any attempt to intervene would have just driven me closer to him.

The relationship ran its course and I ended up breaking it off when, ironically, I outgrew him. I will say, though, that I accepted some behaviour from him that I thought was great at the time - he ALWAYS collected me from nights out without him, for example, and they became increasingly rare as it just wasn't worth the sulk when I wanted to do something without him - that I now see was quite controlling. My friends didn't particularly get on with him either - why would they, they had nothing in common - and I didn't go to my own debs because he said he'd feel uncomfortable being the oldest guy in the room that wasn't working there.

Anyway, my only point here if I even really have one is that you need to be super cognisant of the dynamic here - you're the adult and you're supposed to be the sensible one. And as others have said, don't even go "there" til she's 17.

amdublin

Her age is not an issue if you are just dating. There is no illegality there.

The age of consent is 17. At 16 she cannot consent. If you are having sex with her this is illegal and you could be in a lot of trouble.

antix80

Basically if you have any sort of sexual contact with her and she fails her leaving, isn't married by the time she's 30 or gets fat she can put it all down to the guy who took advantage of when she was only a child.

So.. Thread carefully. Wait til November for anything sexual.

Beyond that, whatever really. It's not a huge age difference but have reasonable expectations. For most young people it's not about finding a good man and settling. Adolescence continues well into the 20s and people tend to take longer to find "the one".

cj maxx

As PS to my post above. Be very careful of younger brothers. They might grow up to be good boxers