help

barbiegirl123

please i don’t want any smart comments i just need genuine advice. me and my bf broke up in june due to lack of effort on his part. he text me 2 weeks later asking me to go for a drive with him. we went for a drive and i expected him to talk about the break up he never mentioned anything about getting back together. afterwards he started sending me xx like before. the last couple of times i’ve been with him he’s been saying things that would imply that we are a couple. i won’t go into the details but i simply cannot be in a relationship with him and i want to ask to be friends with benefits as it would suit me the best. how do i go about saying this to him?

Caranica

You need to say it straight out. If that's what you actually want.

However I think you're looking to blur the boundaries. Find another fwb if that's what you need. This guy already sounds confused, adding sex would just be madness.

Big Bag of Chips

If he wants a relationship and you want a fwb then you're both going to have to find it elsewhere. If you continue to sleep with him you will be leading him on. Regardless of whether or not you tell him you're not "with him".

You could only meet him for sex and not meet him at any other time. Not go for drives. Not text or call each other. Not meet up for lunch etc. Only contact would be for sex and no contact for any other reason in between.

Up to you if you think you can stick to those guidelines. If you can't, then you need to find a different fwb.

Tork

These don't sound like good ingredients for friends with benefits. The situation only works well if both people are on the same page and neither thinks a relationship might come out of it. There also seems to be a bit of trouble with respecting boundaries and with communication here. Again, neither is a good foundation for FWB. You've posted here that you're planning on going to college this year. Maybe it'd be simpler to just break up again with this guy and find someone else when you start college soon.

The White Feather

You have kind of given him mixed messages so he kind of thinks that the "breakup" has blown over and every things okay. You need to spell it out for him that ye are not in a relationship any more and that you don't want anything serious. This can only be done face to face as it won't hit home to him otherwise.

You need to explain that you just want to be Friends with Benefits only and nothing more. If he can handle it then thats okay but otherwise its completely finished. It has to be just meeting for sex like Big Bag of Chips says. Maybe sexting and stuff like that but nothing else. It is just meet for fun and then off home.

Don't try to humour him after ye are finished. Just get up and go. This way ye just meet for sex and nothing else. Then the boundaries are clear.

You need to explain all this to him as gently as you can. You have to stress that it won't get ye back together but it can just be fun. Its up to him then what he wants. It has to be clearly said so then there is no confusion.

I had a FWB just like this situation. We went out for a bit but I ended things. She wanted more but I didn't. I asked her would she be interested in a FWB situation. I had to clearly set out the ground rules at the start so there was no hurt feelings.It worked out nicely for the both of us. But it has to be clearly set out first day or else you are better off moving on completely without any contact with him.

wiggle16

Sorry OP but you are being a bit selfish here. You''d be leading him down the garden path, and you're aware of that. He has feelings for you and those are not going to go away.

He's acting couple-y and boyfriendy because he thinks that if he keeps that up you will realise what you're missing and start to reciprocate. You have no intention of doing that.
As was pointed out above you need to look for your FWB elsewhere. It's not fwb if there's feelings involved because you are not friends, you're a couple who recently split up - the only reason he would agree to a fwb situation would be if he thinks that you're going to change your mind and clearly he does. It's cruel to let him believe that if he hangs in there long enough you might come around, so you are being cruel by continuing to be involved with him.

Cut him loose and let him get over you. There is no shortage of people out there looking for no strings sex, but he is not one of them.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Barbiegirl123, you might bear in mind that it's against forum rules to start multiple threads across Boards on the same topic. Your other thread was moved here and has since been deleted.

Thanks

HS

SusieBlue

You can’t be just fwb with a man who thinks he is already in a relationship with you. There are clearly still feelings on his part, ye are on completely different pages with this and it has potential to end in disaster.
If you have any respect for him at all you need to set him straight and cut him loose.
Get your fwb elsewhere and let him move on.

redfox123

I’m not getting that he has feelings at all. He didn’t make much effort so that’s why it ended? An fwb is what she instinctively knows he probably wants but it would be kind of desperate for her to go just along with it (and that looks like the way it’s leading) so she wants to be the one who suggests it.

The OP doesn’t want to ask what is the story with them, because it would seem like she wanted to get back together which she doesn’t because he doesn’t make effort as a bf. OP don’t delude yourself into thinking you can just sleep together and it will be fine.
It will just confuse matters, you’ll just stay pissed off at his lack of effort. It will make you feel worse.

A clean break would be better for both. But I get the feeling you won’t do that, otherwise you would have already said when he contacted you again that it’s over move on instead of meeting up.