GF Social Media

LegacyUser

I had yet another argument with my GF over social media ( both in our 30's ) and its beginning to wear thin with me, I find her behavior very childish and immature for someone of her age over social media. I am not active on any social media posting daily posts, comments on any platform in 3/4 years, I use it for keeping in touch with family & friends that's it, maybe comment if I am tagged on occasion. The other day her niece tagged us both in a post, I replied and commented and she went off on one because whenever she tags me, I never comment, she went off on how I treat her differently to everyone else on social media. This is someone in their 30’s. I am cringing trying this but would like opinion? This is not our first argument over social media and I find it ridiculous altogether. I can’t get my head around how someone of her age can be this immature.

Neyite

Just to clarify, you've argued about social media, not used social media as a platform for arguing with each other?


Based on that, if she's arguing that you reply to people who tag you but don't reply to her tagging you then I would agree with you, it's incredibly childish. Unless it's symptomatic of real life - for example she feels that you don't acknowledge her enough as someone important in your life? Is it just social media or does she have insecurities outside of those platforms about your relationship?

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Just to clarify, you've argued about social media, not used social media as a platform for arguing with each other?

Yes, it wasn't used as a platform to argue but started over me commenting on a post both were tagged in by her niece.

Neyite wrote: »

Based on that, if she's arguing that you reply to people who tag you but don't reply to her tagging you then I would agree with you, it's incredibly childish. Unless it's symptomatic of real life - for example she feels that you don't acknowledge her enough as someone important in your life? Is it just social media or does she have insecurities outside of those platforms about your relationship?

She does have trust issues, in our time together, I have never once done anything untoward to break that or make her question me I think, whereby she has and I called her out on it and she brushed it off ( long story ). I always tell her trust is a two-way street. I acknowledge her and I am affectionate with her always outside and around others. I can count on two hands how often we have argued over social media, her telling me I shouldn't be friends with an ex to remove them and I have to keep the piece but at this stage, I am just tempted to walk away, life is too short and there are bigger worries in life than social media and someone's partner acknowledging them.

skallywag

When someone tags me I assume that the reason is to bring something to my attention, i.e. 'Look at this, I think you will find it interesting'. I do not really feel a need to reply at all.

I agree completely with you OP, it sounds like something a 14 year old would say.

Neyite

annnnnotherrrr wrote: »

Yes, it wasn't used as a platform to argue but started over me commenting on a post both were tagged in by her niece.

She does have trust issues, in our time together, I have never once done anything untoward to break that or make her question me I think, whereby she has and I called her out on it and she brushed it off ( long story ). I always tell her trust is a two-way street. I acknowledge her and I am affectionate with her always outside and around others. I can count on two hands how often we have argued over social media, her telling me I shouldn't be friends with an ex to remove them and I have to keep the piece but at this stage, I am just tempted to walk away, life is too short and there are bigger worries in life than social media and someone's partner acknowledging them.

Controlling you or trying to control a narrative to people outside your relationship via social media isn't healthy. Her trust issues are hers to deal with. I'd tend to agree with you - to me social media is shallow and rather contrived and there's not a single relationship that actually needs it. You've a bit of thinking to do on the future of your relationship I suppose.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

- to me social media is shallow and rather contrived and there's not a single relationship that actually needs it.

Thank you Neyite, you hit the nail on the head here and this is exactly how i feel about it all.

LilacNails

Why don't u reply to her comments? Why did u only bother to reply to your cousins?

To me to looks as though u did reply to your cousin, out of respect. I would be kinda pee'd off too if I saw my bf ignoring mine but replying to others.

cannotlogin

I'm with you on this one OP. Life is too short for a lot of that nonsense. I would find it immature too but the amount of people, especially woman, I know that use socially media as some short of validation of themselves is shocking.

The whole Insta babe duck face posed selfies to tagging themselves at a hospital appointment, photos of ever meal they have and then the bunny ears filters....the purpose who knows.

She sounds very immature for someone in her 30s but if everything else is good may be you could look past this issue. I don't think I could but not sure if it's a deadbreaker either.

lunamoon

Why don't you reply to things she's tagged you in?

This seems to be an under 35 issue imo.
Anyone under that age seems to think social media is very important.

OP, I couldn't possibly deal with any of that rubbish, I really can't give any advice as to what you should do. Personally, I would be gone, but then I cannot deal with people who find social media & 'tagging' things important.

It appears that social media is creating a generation of insecure 'adults' who need constant validation from randommers

LegacyUser

lunamoon wrote: »

Why don't you reply to things she's tagged you in?

I have replied but not to every single post I am tagged in by her or anyone. There are times too when she might say 'oh I updated my FB picture and noticed you haven't liked it. I said in my original post, I am not actively on social media everyday posting aimless crap or commenting on others. The fact she brings this up over and over is wearing thin. There are bigger issues in life than social media and FB, IMO its not real or relevant, its artificial as someone else mentioned.

Dial Hard

LilacNails wrote: »

Why don't u reply to her comments? Why did u only bother to reply to your cousins?.

Because it sounds like the cousin's tag was a fairly unusual thing whereas the girlfriend's are constant.

Personally I don't see the point in constant social media interaction with people you see on a daily basis. Just speak to them in person, no? I use social media to stay in touch with people I don't see very often and share funny memes, etc. I might tag a friend or a sister in something I know they'll find funny but I don't expect them to respond with a comment or acknowledgement when I know I'll likely be talking to them later that day. Likewise I don't reply to stuff I'm tagged in unless there's an actual need to. Same with birthdays, etc, I don't do Facebook happy birthdays for people I'll either be seeing in person that day or have their number, in which case I'll WhatsApp them.

Honestly, I always think there's a bit of a performative aspect to couples who are constantly interacting on social media. Like, just talk to each other, why do you need an audience???

Sardonicat

lunamoon wrote: »

Why don't you reply to things she's tagged you in?

Because he can have an actual, face to face conversation with words he's made with his voice with her.

Hannibal_Smith

That would wreck my head OP. Like you say, there are bigger things in the world to get worked up about, commenting on tagged posts on social media is not one of them.

I certainly hope being compatible on a social media level isn't becoming a thing. Where you have to get on board with other people's social media footprint so to speak, just to stay together.

Anyway, that's not the point. Are you deliberately avoiding commenting on stuff she tags you in? I get the impression you're pretty much at the end of your tolerance with this relationship? Are you looking for advice on how to resolve it? Whether you should resolve it? Or what you should do next?

JasonStatham

If this is the only thing she is annoyed about, and like she has no other whinging behaviour, I'd give her a pass and just comment on the odd post to keep her happy.

If she's childish in everything, well, one can guess how that will turn out in the long run.

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Anyway, that's not the point. Are you deliberately avoiding commenting on stuff she tags you in? I get the impression you're pretty much at the end of your tolerance with this relationship? Are you looking for advice on how to resolve it? Whether you should resolve it? Or what you should do next?

I have commented on her posts and the posts she has tagged me in before so no, I am just not as active on it or do I check FB at every minute. I am more active on twitter but only for following the news, and football and she knows this as I have told her. I am looking at ways to resolve yes, although I think that is something more she needs to deal it on her own. I have deactivated my FB, it is not worth the hassle or grief and I can live without it no problem.

cj maxx

This neice you replied to.
What age was she? 17/18+ ?

Panthro

OP sounds like you've your head screwed on.
If I were in your shoes I'd be out the gap too.
Can't be dealing with that nonsense "drama"

Best a Luck.

qwerty13

I just couldn’t deal with that OP. I’d find it nagging, insecure and incredibly childish. If she wants to be very active on social media, then off she pops. But rowing with you because you don’t want to be as involved with it is a big no-no to me. And comparing that to liking a post from her niece?! Giant red flag of insecurity and neediness there, and everything else that entails.

I re-read your OP, and she has trust issues. Well there’s a surprise! Sorry if I’m being flippant, but to me she is punishing you for not fawning over her on social media, because if you did, she thinks she thinks she’d feel less insecure. I cannot comprehend how someone would possibly countenance that liking or commenting was about ‘respect’.

I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who behaved like that. Plus I’d lose every last scrap of respect for the person.

qwerty13

LilacNails wrote: »

Why don't u reply to her comments? Why did u only bother to reply to your cousins?

To me to looks as though u did reply to your cousin, out of respect. I would be kinda pee'd off too if I saw my bf ignoring mine but replying to others.

Because he’s not as interested in social media

Because his GF sounds like she posts a lot more often than he’s ever going to notice on social media, as he’s not as active on it

Because it’s not a competition

Because social media is no reflection of a real relationship (except that his GF has made it so, with childish behaviour - social media is now inserted into their relationship)

Because he might have just happened to notice her niece’s post as it was close to when he logged in

To suggest that someone likes or replies to a social media post out of respect is one of the more bizarre things that I’ve read on this forum. Especially with the inference being that to not reply means a lack of respect.

LegacyUser

The frustrating part is she still thinks she's right and I am wrong. I have plenty of friends in relationships, some married whereby both are not on FB and pointed out how happy and healthy they look, although fully aware this is what I see and don't necessarily know. There is a big difference of opinions between us and unfortunately, this is not our first argument over FB and this childish behaviour I am seen. I am embarrassed, there is no way I could ask any of my friends their opinion or advice on this one, they would laugh at me and us. Thanks for the replies, it has given me plenty to think about now.

zoobizoo

Hey OP.

I had similar issues with my partner.

It took a while for them to come around to my way of thinking but they did.

I use FB for work and keeping in touch with certain travel friends etc. Stopped updating status 5 or so years ago.

Partner asked why I didn't like her posts... I told her that I'd unfollowed everyone on FB including her and that I didn't want to see her updates etc.

I also told her that I didn't want photos of our kids up and used examples of other users who plastered FB with their kids photos who were almost exploiting their children for content and likes. See Maia Dunphy for example.... Her son is called Tom... He i likes tractors and just turned 5....... It's all there on her twitter account.

Also stated that we'd no idea where photos could end up.

I pointed out to her insta pages (I do social media for a company) where parents shared images of their kids on beaches to the world where randomers could see them.

I would ask "why do you want to share pictures and news of yourself to distant friends...... You wouldn't text them those photos or text them random updates.

Then professionally. How would clients of hers feel about her f they saw her social accounts. What type of professional do you want to be seen as, a social media wannabe or a serious one. I won't go into the exact profession here.

She spoke about being in the now a lot and I explained that we couldn't be' in the now' if she whipped her phone out to take photos at every opportunity.

She came to realise the "look at me doing something" of social media and looking for external validation wasn't worth it.

People can change their behaviour... It comes with realisation.


What I did find difficult to do was not being able to say "it's childish". Which was something I very much felt it was.

redfox123

It seems a bit much to want to break up a relationship in your 30s over some rows about social media. That seems very over the top, from both sides; her getting annoyed at you not replying, and you thinking of ending the relationship over her getting annoyed.

How long are you together? It looks like something a bit of calm communication would resolve? And now you’ve said you have deactivated your social media does this not pretty much stop that bs about you not replying to her?

If this is your only arguments I would think you have it pretty easy. Or is it giving you worries about what future conflicts will be like? The important things in life will need to be dealt with with maturity, compromise, understanding, patience. Things like moving in together, finances, children etc. Have you made any these steps yet or is the social media discussion really taking up that much energy?? If you havnt, perhaps your annoyance at her placing importance on it has raised a red flag for you as to her values and you are less excited about progressing with her.

At the same time her seemingly pettiness over social media could be her misinterpreting your ignoring her as a reflection of you not prioritising her and being proud to ‘show her off’ and show interest in the things she is tagging you in. As misguided as it may seem just because they don’t mean much to you, they might mean a lot more to her. She probably has some insecurity there that a little reassurance could help.

Little petty arguments usually have an underlying problem. You’re both in your 30s and I take it this is not some meaningless relationship, after a year or two the things that annoy you about each other will surface and if you really love the person you will be able to navigate through some conflicts maturely without freaking out and running for the hills when it can be resolved. You will have conflicts, make sure you get to the root of them before breaking up a relationship over a trivial one.

JeffKenna

annnnnotherrrr wrote: »

I have commented on her posts and the posts she has tagged me in before so no, I am just not as active on it or do I check FB at every minute. I am more active on twitter but only for following the news, and football and she knows this as I have told her. I am looking at ways to resolve yes, although I think that is something more she needs to deal it on her own. I have deactivated my FB, it is not worth the hassle or grief and I can live without it no problem.

I'm not trying to be funny OP but no one really uses Facebook anymore from what I can see. Maybe that's my age but in the last 5 or 6 years its not a popular platform anymore. I'd be embarrassed if someone was posting or tagging me constantly on it.

lawred2

LilacNails wrote: »

Why don't u reply to her comments? Why did u only bother to reply to your cousins?

To me to looks as though u did reply to your cousin, out of respect. I would be kinda pee'd off too if I saw my bf ignoring mine but replying to others.

What if what your commenting on has zero relevance to them?

To be honest, I'd find it even more cringeworthy if a partner was responding to each and every post by their other half.. I'd be thinking that he or she was insecure and needed to remind everyone that this was his/her partner each and every time.

It's creepy. And a bit desperate to seek such validation in my mind.

LegacyUser

A few more replies so covering off a few questions as you have all been kind enough to continue offering advice and your own experiences.

This is not our first argument over FB with me not commenting on everything I am tagged in or her post. The only reason my FB was active is for me to keep in touch with friends & family and to see photos of my nephews/nieces. I do find it ridiculous I have to deactivate my FB that I barely use but at this stage, it is not worth the hassle. I am quite a private person, something else she knows from our early days, I don't want my life all over social media like some do, to me she needs to respect my wishes. I am aware we won't always agree and that is fine, we're all different at the end of the day.

We're saving for a mortgage and planning among other things but this is worrying me, as I said it's come up multiple other times and it is beginning to wear thin with me as I have explained over and over my reasons to her.

That's all from me on this topic. Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate the advice from everyone and to those sharing their own experiences too.

Neyite

annnnnotherrrr wrote: »

The frustrating part is she still thinks she's right and I am wrong. I have plenty of friends in relationships, some married whereby both are not on FB and pointed out how happy and healthy they look, although fully aware this is what I see and don't necessarily know. There is a big difference of opinions between us and unfortunately, this is not our first argument over FB and this childish behaviour I am seen. I am embarrassed, there is no way I could ask any of my friends their opinion or advice on this one, they would laugh at me and us. Thanks for the replies, it has given me plenty to think about now.

Even if you moved to a point where you could both agree that you'll not see eye to eye on this particular issue and agree to respect each other's viewpoints, with a little leeway rather than a right/wrong scenario it would be much better.

But honestly, if she's that dogged that she can't see she's harming her real life relationship with something as petty as a social media difference of opinion then you probably have or will have bigger issues - Zoobizoo brought up an important point that you'll need to consider - if you were to have kids, how much would you/she be comfortable sharing on SM - and are you on the same page with that.

I'd be quite careful about what I share about my kid on social media, and I'd always check myself if what I post could be something that causes him upset in later life and even at age 8 I ask him if it's ok to share something nice/funny because it's important to him even at that young age.

I've cousins who share every moment of their kids - right down to medical issues, funnily enough you'll never hear about her smear tests on facebook but her son's constipation issues seems fair game for everyone to read about.
So yes a bit of thinking for you if she's refusing to budge on her stance I think.

bitofabind

This is weird. Is she generally an insecure person? I find the people that care the most about this completely innocuous stuff on social media are. Is she insecure in the relationship and that's why you not validating her on social media is taking on greater meaning for her?

annnnnotherrrr wrote: »

There are times too when she might say 'oh I updated my FB picture and noticed you haven't liked it.

"Why does that matter to you?" - have you asked her that? What's her response?

If you feel you've gotten to the bottom of it and she's still like a dog with a bone I'd be tempted to reply with "yeah and I wouldn't hold your breath. We've had this conversation and I'm not going to change my position, please don't bring it up again"

ManOfMystery

Social media is a relatively recent addition to this world, yet some become so absorbed in it that it dominates all aspects of their existence to the point where they must wonder how the human race came so far without it.

I'm not anti-social media - I use it sparingly and it has its benefits. However some live vicariously through it and when it takes over to the point that relationship aspects are being questioned (as is the case here) because of it, that's not healthy at all.