Any insight into this situation?

seasidedub

Hi,

Mods, this is not a man-hating rant, not going there, genuinely looking for insight from others who may have been here...

After a break up 3 years ago which involved me living abroad, moved back home, got life nicely on track, good job, own home etc. Did the work and felt was ready to meet someone. Went online pre-lockdown and connected with a continental european living in Belfast. We texted a lot, interestingly no sexting - he would not go there. It was very intimate exchange of feelings, pasts etc. Eventually he took a chance and came down, we spent an amazing few days. He came down every weekend and it was all I dreamed. He said he would apply for jobs in Dublin as had no specific ties up north. I knew he'd had a girlfriend of about 2 years up there, but he swore it was completely over and he was totally over her. She had broken up with him twice and he went back. Should have seen the red flag. 2 weeks ago he told me he loved me and we were making plans. Monday at work one last week I get a text telling me his ex had attempted suicide and he felt responsible. She is also an alcoholic and now sober 4 weeks which he said "made me happy". He says he doesn't known what will happen, but he cannot give me what I need now.

I am gutted. Wondering if anyone has any insight? It seems he went dating too soon - he was not over her etc. and I am the one he used to anesthesize himself with. I feel stupid and used. What really bruised my ego was she is a single mother of 5 kids on social welfare and - this was the killer - from the Unionist side and seemingly involved some time ago in let's say activities for them which would not have been legal. I felt so useless to think a woman with all those issue would be a better deal than me....stupid, but can't help it.

Do men just go online asap to get over something? Am I generalising? Do women do it too? I did the work and no dating until I was sure and thought I had hit the jackpot. He was bad on paper - failed businesses abroad and had to start over with a call centre job here. 5 kids himself, 2 mothers. But I was willing to share what I had because we seemed so compatible. Advice? Insight?

bitofabind

You're saying you "did the work" and then you describe falling very quickly for a lad with more red flags than a communist rally. So I'm a bit confused as to which work you did, and how you went about it?

Let's count the red flags. 5 kids by 2 different mothers, a form for making bad business and personal decisions, financially unstable, very recent breakup (with an alcoholic criminal no less), wants to move to Dublin very quickly because of "no ties" in Belfast (what about his kids??) - and this is the "jackpot" you've been waiting for? Is this a troll post?

It's time to actually go back and do the work now. That work involves truly accepting yourself, loving yourself and understanding your value and self-worth so that shysters like this one don't seem like a romantic option. I'd suggest therapy as a place to start.

seasidedub

bitofabind wrote: »

You're saying you "did the work" and then you describe falling very quickly for a lad with more red flags than a communist rally. So I'm a bit confused as to which work you did, and how you went about it?

Let's count the red flags. 5 kids by 2 different mothers, a form for making bad business and personal decisions, financially unstable, very recent breakup (with an alcoholic criminal no less), wants to move to Dublin very quickly because of "no ties" in Belfast (what about his kids??) - and this is the "jackpot" you've been waiting for? Is this a troll post?

It's time to actually go back and do the work now. That work involves truly accepting yourself, loving yourself and understanding your value and self-worth so that shysters like this one don't seem like a romantic option. I'd suggest therapy as a place to start.

Yeah, I see your point. His kids are all grown up and live independently in his country of origin - so he actually didn't have ties up north. I was under the impression that the previous relationship had been over longer than it actually was. I recognised it as a red flag when the facts became clearer. His poor business form - yeah, a red flag, but I was trying to be fair and not judgemental. In terms of me doing the work - I stayed single for 3 years and I do have a very nice life. When you go online it's hard to say what the people you meet are really like - initially you only get the info they give. I mean, the stuff about the ex only came out later - noone's going to actually put it on their profile....

But, yeah - I may need to do a lot of reviewing. It's not a troll post, this all happened. Yeah he had less than me etc, but I was trying to not go down the road of "he has to earn more" etc. and just try to be fair. But your post has kind of shocked me into a bit of a reality check. Thanks.

bitofabind

The thing is, there's a pretty big gap between "has to earn more" and "has to have a basic level of financial responsibility" when it comes to dating and dealbreakers. You're clearly financially responsible given how you've set your life up, and he is very clearly not. You're allowed to draw a boundary around this stuff, in fact it's vitally important that you do. Especially when that questionable trait of his is complemented by all these other red flags.

And yeah, it's always best to take everyone online with a pinch of salt until you've had a chance to get them know them better in real life. That means proceeding with cautious optimism, I like the look of this guy but I don't know him. Let's get to know him in the real world. It seems to me like that part went at lightning speed - suddenly he's spending entire weekends with you in Dublin? Sounds like it was a nose-dive into intimacy without actually getting to know who he really was offline?

The point here is that you're a catch. You've worked hard at setting your life up well, you have a lot to offer a partner. Don't go undermining that work once you feel a bit of attraction or chemistry for a lad that you really don't know at all. And as you do get to know him, tell yourself you'll walk away when it starts to smell like a rat. There are so many moments where you should've walked away before it was this lad predictably giving you the breakup speech. The business stuff, the ex stuff, the lying about stuff, the nose diving into a relationship with you. Each of those should be a walk-away offence.

mcsean2163

I don't know, maybe the guy is nice but unable to move on.


"his ex had attempted suicide and he felt responsible"

That sounds like he's in a difficult predicament. All in all, maybe you just got unlucky...

JasonStatham

Don't get invested too quickly is one bit of advice I would give you. Give foreigners the extra bit of "personality scrutiny" cos their culture is different to ours.

It seems like you just had a piece of bad luck. But you should always be analytical when it comes to finding a mate.

seasidedub

mcsean2163 wrote: »

I don't know, maybe the guy is nice but unable to move on.


"his ex had attempted suicide and he felt responsible"

That sounds like he's in a difficult predicament. All in all, maybe you just got unlucky...

I do think I got unlucky, the red flags notwithstanding. I genuinely liked him. We enjoyed a lot of the same stuff - outdoors stuff etc. The weekends were great and it feels pretty empty at the moment. I'll get over it, but it annoys me that he felt responsible for the very person he swore he was over.

seasidedub

JasonStatham wrote: »

Don't get invested too quickly is one bit of advice I would give you. Give foreigners the extra bit of "personality scrutiny" cos their culture is different to ours.

It seems like you just had a piece of bad luck. But you should always be analytical when it comes to finding a mate.

The "foreigner" thing was actually a plus for me - he was from one of the low countries, so not a "red flag" country, and I've lived in a few EU countries and actually haven't dated Irish men for years, so I was comfortable with that part.

I got invested too soon, agree, but he was so loving and seemed so sure.

I just wish people putting "I want a real relationship " on their profile meant it, and that they actually were over the ex.

seasidedub

bitofabind wrote: »

The thing is, there's a pretty big gap between "has to earn more" and "has to have a basic level of financial responsibility" when it comes to dating and dealbreakers. You're clearly financially responsible given how you've set your life up, and he is very clearly not. You're allowed to draw a boundary around this stuff, in fact it's vitally important that you do. Especially when that questionable trait of his is complemented by all these other red flags.

And yeah, it's always best to take everyone online with a pinch of salt until you've had a chance to get them know them better in real life. That means proceeding with cautious optimism, I like the look of this guy but I don't know him. Let's get to know him in the real world. It seems to me like that part went at lightning speed - suddenly he's spending entire weekends with you in Dublin? Sounds like it was a nose-dive into intimacy without actually getting to know who he really was offline?

The point here is that you're a catch. You've worked hard at setting your life up well, you have a lot to offer a partner. Don't go undermining that work once you feel a bit of attraction or chemistry for a lad that you really don't know at all. And as you do get to know him, tell yourself you'll walk away when it starts to smell like a rat. There are so many moments where you should've walked away before it was this lad predictably giving you the breakup speech. The business stuff, the ex stuff, the lying about stuff, the nose diving into a relationship with you. Each of those should be a walk-away offence.

Good insight in your replies, I will take on board your advice, it's been helpful seeing from outside my own bubble.

Idle Passerby

Maybe he went looking for a partner too soon, maybe he didn't that's completely subjective. In general it's not only one gender that makes poor relationship choices, so yeah, some women also try to move on too soon.

You say you "did the work" after your break up. Remaining single for a period of time doesn't guarantee that the first person you meet will be Mr. Right. If you ignore red flags it doesn't matter how long you've been single, you're making poor choices regardless.

It doesn't necessarily sound like this guy played you. It sounds like he has a sloppy, chaotic life. If you choose to date someone like that you can expect your life to get sloppy and chaotic too. So if that's not what you want, don't pursue it.