Harassment by random weirdo - did I over exaggerate?

LegacyUser

This incident occurred about 3 years ago and I’d forgotten about it but a recent thread on Reddit detailing something similar sparked my memory. I was 22 and attending a cousin’s hen party and the majority of the women were 8-14 years older than me. As part of the celebrations we decided to go to a club. The club quickly became quite busy and I decided to get a drink after an hour or so. Prior to this, we had all noticed this 40 something creep going around bothering random women at the bar. After I got my drink, the creep made his way over to me. I’m not sure why I then didn’t bolt but I wanted to stay for a bit and I could see the other girls near by so I didn’t see any reason to leave and just kept a distance.

Next thing I know is this random man has put his arm around me and asks to give me a kiss on the cheek. He was completely intoxicated and quite scary looking. I figured what’s the harm, just indulge him. He then leans over and sticks his tongue in my ear, grins and walks away. I was absolutely disgusted and licking myself for allowing him to get so near to me.. I guess I was afraid he would react badly if I tried to retaliate. I tried not to let the event ruin my night but I did feel quite violated and embarrassed that I’d allowed it to happen. My older sister was also there and I immediately told her. Her response was that he tried to do it to her too but she made sure she walked away.

The next morning I told one of the girls and her immediate reaction was shock and jokingly said “Oh my God he gave you a wet willy”. Some of the other girls were saying it was terrible but quite funny too.

I laughed it off at the time but I really did feel bad about the fact that it happened and the girls didn’t treat it as something serious and one of them commented that she saw him doing it to quite a few women at the bar so I just got over it.
I actually told my mother when she went home and she was disgusted but also thought it was also slightly humorous.

I’m just rethinking the whole situation again after seeing the Reddit thread. Did I completely over exaggerate the incident? If this happened to you or someone you know, would you view it as amusing?

Loveinapril

It is creepy and you were right to feel somewhat violated as it happened to you without consent but I know in my group of friends we would certainly laugh it off. I know that something similar (unwanted male physical attention/ interaction) has definitely happened to most woman I know. Not to diminish your experience at all but unfortunately, it isn't uncommon.

Batgurl

Firstly, I’m very sorry this happened to you and I hope you can get some help and support for the trauma you are starting to feel as a result of what happened.

Sadly this kind of sexual harassment has happened to most females at one point in their life. And for the “casual” forms of sexual harassment (catcalls, groping, namecalling, etc), humour is a coping mechanism to try to deflect the experience and sadly has the adverse effect of normalising the behaviour.

Your friends are not trained professionals and you should not hold it against them that they didn’t know how to cope with your admission. I highly doubt there was any malice in their laughter and they did it instinctually, rightly or wrongly, because it’s likely how they would have coped with the trauma.

I’m not saying what happened to you was okay; it most certainly was not. But your anger should be towards the cretin who did it to you and not misdirected at your friends.

LegacyUser

Loveinapril wrote: »

It is creepy and you were right to feel somewhat violated as it happened to you without consent but I know in my group of friends we would certainly laugh it off. I know that something similar (unwanted male physical attention/ interaction) has definitely happened to most woman I know. Not to diminish your experience at all but unfortunately, it isn't uncommon.

I did indeed laugh it off at the time and didn’t take it seriously at all and thought it was pretty mild but then I saw that thread and started thinking ‘oh maybe it wasn’t that funny!’ Unfortunately, it’s not the worst story I have, I’m practically desensitised to incidents now! The worst was definitely when I was when I was with my sister watching a match in an absolutely wedged pub. I feel something or someone behind me and I look around to come face to face with a creep around early/mid 40s. Confused, I look down and see through his jeans that he’s erect :eek: He was doing to quite a few woman (my sister included) and a woman actually ended up pulling over unsuspecting women to let them know about him. Thankfully, that’s the worst it’s ever gotten for me but like you, I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been harassed/assaulted on some level. It’s unfortunately par for the course of being a woman even though it really shouldn’t be

Caranica

Unfortunately most of us have multiple stories like yours. I eventually got the confidence to raise this with bouncers/management if it happened in a pub or a club and about 75% of the time they'd get kicked out. I've noticed lately that if a bunch of guys are out, his mates are just as likely to call him out on his behaviour as women are.

Try not to dwell on it, it's like a grain of sand in an oyster that becomes a pearl because it keeps irritating you. Don't let a creep have that power over you.

Airyfairy12

Sorry this happened to you, unfortunately it's very common, I could be here all day listing similar scenarios ive experienced on nights out as im sure most women can, most recent was a middle aged man staring at me while he rubbed his crotch as I was trying to order a drink at a bar. His friend came over and pulled him away.
Try not to take it too personally, if you feel that effected try counselling.

leggo

Batgurl wrote: »

Firstly, I’m very sorry this happened to you and I hope you can get some help and support for the trauma you are starting to feel as a result of what happened.

Sadly this kind of sexual harassment has happened to most females at one point in their life. And for the “casual” forms of sexual harassment (catcalls, groping, namecalling, etc), humour is a coping mechanism to try to deflect the experience and sadly has the adverse effect of normalising the behaviour.

Your friends are not trained professionals and you should not hold it against them that they didn’t know how to cope with your admission. I highly doubt there was any malice in their laughter and they did it instinctually, rightly or wrongly, because it’s likely how they would have coped with the trauma.

I’m not saying what happened to you was okay; it most certainly was not. But your anger should be towards the cretin who did it to you and not misdirected at your friends.

This is all great advice OP and gets it spot on.

It is mad how little incidents like that can haunt you, but your feelings here and reasons for being bothered by it are dead on. It’s not right that he was able to carry on like this in plain view, it’s not right that your friends laughed it off (but also not their fault either, as above), it’s not right that in a public space you felt like you just had to take it, and it’s not right that everyone normalised this kind of behaviour for so long. But, as Batgurl said, that was more of a coping mechanism to deal with something so widespread.

The good news is that now the world is more receptive to discussing and calling out this behaviour, so you don’t need to feel unreasonable in revisiting it and re-contextualising it in your brain as wrong. But yeah give your Mam and friends a pass too, they weren’t trying to minimalise how you felt, they’d just probably all dealt with many situations like this and same as you found it easier to shrug it off than get into trying to fight a battle they felt they couldn’t win.

Hannibal_Smith

No, you're not overreacting. Putting his tongue in your ear is flaming disgusting! I'd be absolutely furious!

I tried not to let the event ruin my night but I did feel quite violated and embarrassed that I’d allowed it to happen.

Just that bit there ^^^ none of it was your fault. You've no reason to feel embarrassed and you didn't allow it to happen. You were put in the most awkward of situations and dealt with it in a way that would cause the least amount of fuss to everyone there. You always think afterwards... I should have done something or said something, but nothing prepares you for how to deal with some drunk person randomly sticking their tongue in your ear!

Its probably made worse by the fact that everyone keeps laughing it off. But they don't know how afraid and intimidated you felt in that moment so they're not seeing the serious side.

Look it happened... Its pretty vile... Its not your fault... You have nothing to be embarrassed about. But don't let it hang over you or have any other affect on your life or friendships.

holly8

NOT AMUSING at all!!

The same thing happened to me in a Dublin city centre bar many years ago - I was drinking with a few friends (male) when this happened and I felt really, really awful. Shocked and violated, I was reduced to tears.

I still shudder to this day when I think of it, and your post just reminded me about it ... it was ONLY about 30 years ago!

My friends were great, accosted him immediately and pulled him away from me. And the bar owner (Liam) threw him out ... and not before, I am somewhat ashamed to say, I put my lit cigarette out on the back of his fancy wool jacket and burned a nice big hole in it (smoking was allowed in bars in those days). I can still remember the colour of his jacket, mustard.

newaccount2017

Man here and a lot of things like this happened to me, women can be just as bad. Got pinched in the arse, slapped in the arse, a random girl started kissing and licking my arm when I was in on a nightclub dancefloor. Got my crotch grabbed too. None of them were funny but what can you do but (pretend to) laugh it off when it happens. Drunken people have no boundaries.

qwerty13

I just don’t understand why men or women think it’s ok to behave like this. And newacccount2017 is right, I’ve seen women do things like this too. Thankfully it seems to be far less socially acceptable these days to behave in this way.

I’m sorry this happened to you OP, and that guy was nothing but a creep. I hope you can put it behind you. No one should be made feel this way, or have their person intruded on in such a manner.

I know I shouldn’t have laughed at your story Holly8, but the ruining of the mustard jacket made me smile! What good friends you had (and hopefully still have) - and a proper decent barman.

cj maxx

Not a nice thing to happen and the shock scared you but without minimising that i do think you over reacting..
Ass grabbing, ball grabbing happens in clubs. It doesn’t make it right but I think you’re overreacting

holly8

cj maxx wrote: »

Not a nice thing to happen and the shock scared you but without minimising that i do think you over reacting..
Ass grabbing, ball grabbing happens in clubs. It doesn’t make it right but I think you’re overreacting

Its sad to say that I have experienced pretty much all of the usual groping and feel ups... but this is not the same league at all. At all.

cj maxx

holly8 wrote: »

Its sad to say that I have experienced pretty much all of the usual groping and feel ups... but this is not the same league at all. At all.[/

I take your word for it.
What I got from the op was she was a young girl, 22 I think, while everyone else were 30’s 40’s.
She probably wasn’t well versed in the going on’s of a 30/40 crowd with drink in them and trying to cop off .
She naively agreed to a kiss on the cheek but I think he took the piss on a naive girl.
I have intervened on occasions I saw things and thought it was tantamount to assault / coercion but this isn’t one.
OP it was a drunk trying his luck.
Next time don’t agree to a kiss
You’re overreacting IMO

Psychiatric Patrick

Lazza20 wrote: »

This incident occurred about 3 years ago and I’d forgotten about it but a recent thread on Reddit detailing something similar sparked my memory. I was 22 and attending a cousin’s hen party and the majority of the women were 8-14 years older than me. As part of the celebrations we decided to go to a club. The club quickly became quite busy and I decided to get a drink after an hour or so. Prior to this, we had all noticed this 40 something creep going around bothering random women at the bar. After I got my drink, the creep made his way over to me. I’m not sure why I then didn’t bolt but I wanted to stay for a bit and I could see the other girls near by so I didn’t see any reason to leave and just kept a distance.

Next thing I know is this random man has put his arm around me and asks to give me a kiss on the cheek. He was completely intoxicated and quite scary looking. I figured what’s the harm, just indulge him. He then leans over and sticks his tongue in my ear, grins and walks away. I was absolutely disgusted and licking myself for allowing him to get so near to me.. I guess I was afraid he would react badly if I tried to retaliate. I tried not to let the event ruin my night but I did feel quite violated and embarrassed that I’d allowed it to happen. My older sister was also there and I immediately told her. Her response was that he tried to do it to her too but she made sure she walked away.

The next morning I told one of the girls and her immediate reaction was shock and jokingly said “Oh my God he gave you a wet willy”. Some of the other girls were saying it was terrible but quite funny too.

I laughed it off at the time but I really did feel bad about the fact that it happened and the girls didn’t treat it as something serious and one of them commented that she saw him doing it to quite a few women at the bar so I just got over it.
I actually told my mother when she went home and she was disgusted but also thought it was also slightly humorous.

I’m just rethinking the whole situation again after seeing the Reddit thread. Did I completely over exaggerate the incident? If this happened to you or someone you know, would you view it as amusing?

The "person" who did that is a disgusting waste.

I've had upsetting things happen that come back to bother me - not at all like what happened to you - so I can kind of imagine how bad it feels.

Something very similar happened my niece a couple of years ago. It was someone she knew.

She did nothing because she was drunk. At college the following Monday if a very public plac, once he confirmed he remembered the incident, she kicked him in the sack.

I don't condone violence but it was served and I am proud.