Boyfriend **** while I'm there

bitofabind

I agree with the others. What happened in that hotel room is really sad and I'm sorry for you OP, over time that kind of behaviour is really going to dent your self-esteem and I really think it's important that you prioritise your own well-being here.

Your OH seems to see porn and sex as two completely separate things, and doesn't seem to value or struggles with intimacy with an actual human he loves versus the mechanics of getting himself off using porn. This is clearly not about you and some deep-seated issue that he's dealing with, but the implications for you are huge. I think you need to think long and hard about whether you have confidence that you can overcome this together, or if the most sensible decision is to cut your losses.

LegacyUser

These posts make me really sad..since when has it become ok to objectify a woman so much, ignore her needs, her feelings, her sexual pleasure? Since when did it become the norm to think a degrading act like coming on her even after she's said no, be acceptable? And yes, it is degrading...I've engaged in it myself and it's always been a power play/dominance/fetishizing you as a sex object context. Which is totally fine if thats Ur buzz, but without the context it really is demeaning.

A lot of his behaviour has been demeaning and lacking feeling. Who tells someone I'm incredibly turned on but then literally closes the door and leaves you 'locked away' alone while he jerks off on what's supposed to be a romantic wknd??? Christ, all I can say is the dynamic is not right ..you've been patient but come on, your needs for basic affection trump having a ****!!!

I think you have made the right decision to end it.



The incident in the hotel, IMO, should have been the last straw.



Ask any normal thinking guy would he prefer sex or a **** and I'd wager 99% would choose sex. While on a weekend away with your partner, sex is not just expected but guaranteed, and more than once.


You were expecting, not just hoping, that he'd come in, tell you to stop what you are doing and come back to bed. Instead he disappeared off to the room on his own. I can't really get my head around it tbh.



I know you said he's a great guy except for this, but life really is too short to be with someone who is great except for...

ILoveYourVibes

1. There is such a thing as over sharing between couples.

2. You needed affection he needed to scratch an itch.

3. He felt comfortable sharing his need. ( Which he probably shouldn't have. You don't need to know everything someone does). You didn't feel there was space made to share yours.

I don't think your bf has an issue with porn. I do think he lacks ...suaveness ..or the social graces within a relationship. That's not his fault. Its perhaps innocence in him.

I would just tell him you need some affection. I wouldn't mention anything negative about the porn situation. It would only make him feel bad. He didn't do anything wrong per say.

He just didn't read your needs too well. So he might be someone that needs to be taught that sex means affection too sometimes. Or that its sometimes needed when a partner is down.

1hnr79jr65

While the ops bf seems a bit cold to her needs where is comes to affection, i would point out in the case of the hotel away, while sex multiple times was expected by the op, her bf is in no way obligated to facilitate that if he does not wish. There are some posts here lashing the bf for not giving the op another sex session, however if the shoe was on the other foot and the op only wanted sex once and then masturbated after there would be uproar about consent vs perceived "obligation".

I do agree the manner the op's bf went about masturbating was a tad crass, from what the op describes, the bf seems oblivious rather than callous. This boils down to communication issues and understanding, not lack of caring based on op's own description.

Op from what you have said, your bf seems a decent guy but lacking in behavioral/affection observation skills, this needs to be the focus of discussion going forward to ensure the relationship survives, that is if you want to work at the relationship and if your bf is also willing. It will require a very firm conservation between you both and a gut check decision on if you believe it is worth it.

Next time he turns you down grab your vibrator and tell him you're off to relieve yourself. See how he likes it.

DonnaDarko09

Oh my god. That hotel incident? Seriously?
That was a disgusting thing for him to do.

Ah no OP. I think you are right to get rid. This guy sounds like he has an issue with porn and lacks any real care or thought when it comes to your physical and emotional needs.

He has massive problems. He needs help quite frankly. OP this is not normal behaviour. Good move to break up with him.

JasonStatham

I always thought **** by yourself was something you did when you're single. If my gf told me she wanted to **** by herself....or to porn even...i'd dump her ass yesterday. So degrading.

qwerty13

Summer Beach wrote: »

It sounds like you think communication in a relationship is overrated.

I think that’s not the case with that post referenced.

While communicating about preferences/expectations is hugely important, being told “I’m off for **** now”, not so much.

I find it hard to evaluate if the OP’s partner is uncaring, a bit emotionally lacking, or utterly unaware of any social finesse. Whichever of those 3 points it is, incompatibility is the first thing that popped into my head.

I don’t understand some of your partner’s sexual behaviour OP. Do you think he’s repressed, or that excessive porn / masturbation is an issue? Do you feel as though he pays no attention to your sexual needs? Is he very old school in that his orgasm is the important one? I know you’ve talked about porn and ‘what’s ok’ - but have you talked about what you want from a sexual relationship?

skallywag

WhydoIfeelsick wrote: »

...One example that stunned me and seriously upset me was we were away for the weekend in a lovely hotel. I had booked it for us and had brought sexy thigh high boots, lingerie etc. We had sex the first night but the next morning I was in the bathroom and it had a sliding door. I was naked and definitely hoping for more sex. I was just brushing my teeth. He slided the door open with a hugh hard on and said - i need to get rid of this, stay in there for a few minutes and slid the door closed..

Call me cynical perhaps, but I am finding that a little hard to swallow.

Any lad that I have ever met, including myself, would have been heading straight at you. Something is not adding up.

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

Call me cynical perhaps, but I am finding that a little hard to swallow.

Any lad that I have ever met, including myself, would have been heading straight at you. Something is not adding up.

Ridiculous thing to say. I, as a man, have gone off women partners before and it wouldn't matter what they were wearing I'd still rather just go asleep. Not all of us think like you.

skallywag

skallywag wrote: »

Call me cynical perhaps, but I am finding that a little hard to swallow.

Any lad that I have ever met, including myself, would have been heading straight at you. Something is not adding up.

Taking the OP at her word: there is something wrong with this guy. Which is plausible.

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks once again for all the replies, they have been really helpful. To the poster who suggested I made up the hotel story, I can only say I iwsh I had but I most definitley didn't make it up. It happened and has played on my mind ever since despite it being months ago now.

I asked him about it again when we talked ad he said that his tummy was a bit funny from all the mixture of cocktails we'd drank the night before and haevy meal. He said because I had just gotten out of the shower and put make up on he didn't want to ruin that and that he just quickly wanted to 'get rid' of his hard on which in a weird way I do kinda understand. He wanted a quick release as opposed to making the effort with sex. I was disappointed, hurt, saddened and still am by that. I wish it wasn't true.

Another poster mentioned **** alone to be single behaviour but I don't really agree with that. I think it's still important to have alone time and to be free to touch yourself if you feel lik eit but what's not ok is making your partner feel like **** which is what is happening here.
His says he has a low sex drive and always has but I'm not sure I believe that to be true because he talked a good game at the start of our relationship. He talked about threesomes and wild nights and I was worried I might keep up but it hasn't been that way at all.

He says he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy but he just doesn't have a drive but yet, he watches porn and has time for himself.

skallywag

otra vez69 wrote: »

Ridiculous thing to say. I, as a man, have gone off women partners before and it wouldn't matter what they were wearing I'd still rather just go asleep. Not all of us think like you.

The lad had an erection and told the OP to stay put so he could have a ****. Nobody was on about going to sleep.

You will probably improve your replies if you actually read the thread (or at least some of it?), to get some, you know, context?

OP, apologies if it sounds like I was calling your authenticity into question. Just because it is very far removed from my own experiences does not of course mean that you are fabricating the whole situation.

Idle Passerby

I can't speak for everyone but I've never, nor have any of my female friends, to my knowledge, been with a man who would actively choose having a solitary **** over being intimate with their partner who is naked, in front of them and actively up for it. I find his actions in that situation to be unusual and insulting.

Of course people in relationships are entitled to pleasure themselves alone but choosing to close the door on your partner, who is up for sex, in favour of a quick tug? That's very weird in my book.

I don't buy his lame excuse that he just wanted to "get rid of it". What turned him on in the first place? Even if he was watching porn while you were brushing your teeth, why wouldn't he prefer to have sex with you anyway instead of shutting the door on you to sort himself out?

If I was in your shoes I'd be drawing the conclusion that he either has some bizarre hang ups with sex or he's not attracted to me.

Tork

He sounds like somebody who has watched too much porn for his own good. Instead of porn being an accessory to his sex life with a living breathing person, it's the other way around. He seems to have difficulties dealing with a real girlfriend on a few levels which sounds totally insane to any red-blooded man or woman. You can have a **** any time - the chance to get jiggy with another human doesn't happen so often. The pair of you are so incompatible, I don't see you having much of a future even if you get back together again.

Widdensushi

WhydoIfeelsick wrote: »

Op here, thanks once again for all the replies, they have been really helpful. To the poster who suggested I made up the hotel story, I can only say I iwsh I had but I most definitley didn't make it up. It happened and has played on my mind ever since despite it being months ago now.

I asked him about it again when we talked ad he said that his tummy was a bit funny from all the mixture of cocktails we'd drank the night before and haevy meal. He said because I had just gotten out of the shower and put make up on he didn't want to ruin that and that he just quickly wanted to 'get rid' of his hard on which in a weird way I do kinda understand. He wanted a quick release as opposed to making the effort with sex. I was disappointed, hurt, saddened and still am by that. I wish it wasn't true.

Another poster mentioned **** alone to be single behaviour but I don't really agree with that. I think it's still important to have alone time and to be free to touch yourself if you feel lik eit but what's not ok is making your partner feel like **** which is what is happening here.
His says he has a low sex drive and always has but I'm not sure I believe that to be true because he talked a good game at the start of our relationship. He talked about threesomes and wild nights and I was worried I might keep up but it hasn't been that way at all.

He says he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy but he just doesn't have a drive but yet, he watches porn and has time for himself.

Firstly don't take strangers on the internets opinions very strongly, obviously your account is going to be biased and that's all we have to reference, every relationship is different, alot are sexually loaded on one side, people make it work and it is the best life that they will ever find, some are equally sexually compatible, I get the impression that neither of ye are attracted to each other, you are disgusted, he is self satisfying, weigh up your options, hopefully you have better options.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, what kind of porn is the bf watching? Do you have any suspicions about his sexuality? Is he gay?