Boyfriend **** while I'm there

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Myself and my boyfriend have a very loving relationship and we can talk about anything. Our sex life is good although I would have a higher drive than him and this sometimes causes problems because it leads to me feeling frustrated or rejected if he's not in the mood.
We have talked before about things that turn us on and I've said that I like the idea of him turning himself on beside me while I do the same or me coming home and finding him touching himself. These are fantasies we've talked about while in bed together and it usually turns us both on. Often though he takes a while to finish and will finsih on me as oppossed to in me.
Sorry for being graphic, just wanted to give context.

I had a really bad day yesterday and was feeling really down. It's also that time of the month so no sex on the cards. He came home and I told him I was feeling low etc. Anyway, a few minutes later he said he was horny and asked if he could watch porn in our room. I said, eh ok and he went in and closed the door. I can't explain why this got to me so much but it did.
I don't care that he watches porn, I do too and we watch it together. I can't even explain because I don't knowmyself but this made me feel like ****. A few minutes later he came out and said it's great I cand o that around you. I didn't respond and he defensively said well it's better than lying to you about it. This also really bothered me.

Am I overreacting by feeling a bit sickened by this? I can't place what's bothering me most, that he knew I was feeling down and this would hardly make me feel any better, that he knows I often feel rejected by him or that he couldn't just go take a **** in the shower and not do it in the room next to me while I'm doing the dishes. It felt really ****ty.

I don't want to be around him at all today and it has really put me off him.

Any thoughts? I welcome all feedback even if it is to tell me to cop on and maybe I should. I don't know why I feel how I do but it's bothering me and I wish it wasn't. I think the fantasy of this is fine when I can join in or watch but to exclude me entirely and so obnoxioulsy just do it really pissed me off.

Thanks for any thoughts and for reading.

Church on Tuesday

Well the single most important thing in a relationship is communication, you simply have to sit him down and tell him what you have wrote above and talk it out.

Tig98

Tbh sometimes guys just want porn. It has nothing to do with you and its nothing against you, but I know if you're in a bad headspace things like that can really impact you.

Sit him down and talk it out. Communication is key and it's important to get everything out in the air. Even if you don't fully understand why you're feeling this way just get out your thoughts regardless.

I remember in the middle of a heated argument before with a friend he started crying and he had the maturity to say "I don't even know why I'm ****ing crying but I'm entitled to" and we battled on and resolved the issue. Sometimes feelings are just that, and they'll have passed before you know it. Just make sure he knows your thought process on this

ManOfMystery

I don't think the masturbating itself is the issue here, you've already said to him before that you're turned on by the thought of him doing it sometimes.

I think it's more that you had a crap day, you were feeling low, you told him this and the response you should have had (him giving you a cuddle, cooking you dinner, cosying up on the sofa to talk about it ................ or all of these!) never materialised. Instead, he quickly moved on to focusing on his own pleasure in an adjacent room.

There's a time and place for everything, and I think he was being a bit blind to your particular needs at that time whilst focusing hugely on his own.

Dial Hard

If sex is 'off the cards' because you have your period (never really got that, tbh, but each to their own) then I don't really think you have any basis for feeling put out that he took care of himself, tbh. The fact that you actually feel 'sickened' by this is very strange, he participated in a perfectly natural act.

Is your issue that he told you about it or that he did it at all?

osarusan

How much of this is linked to your BF not responding in the way that you hoped/expected when you told him you'd had a bad day?

If you'd come home in a good mood after a good day at work and the rest had happened exactly the same, would it be an issue?

I get the idea that you'd prefer if he hadn't told you what he was up to, but your relationship seems very open in terms of the freedom with which you discuss masturbation and the likes - within those terms, what he did doesn't seem so crazy to me.

Idle Passerby

I'm not sure why sex would be off the cards while on your period if your otherwise interested. You said he often cites he's not in the mood so all that's happened here is you weren't in the mood (I presume) when he was.

If it's a case that you were hoping for some understanding after your bad day and instead he toddled off for a **** then yeah that's insulting bit it's more to do with him being deaf to your upset than the masterbation being the problem.

Shelga

OP, I would find this really upsetting too. As someone else said, you were down after a hard day and he chose to put his own need for pleasure first. You probably shouldn't have said you were ok with him going off to watch porn when he asked, but you were probably taken off guard.

Also, I totally get not wanting to have sex when you're on your period! It's not for everyone. If you're uncomfortable with it, you're not obligated to do it and it's weird that other posters want you to have sex with someone when you're not comfortable doing so :rolleyes:

Explain to him why you are upset, in a calm way. His response will be telling, one way or the other.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I don't think the masturbating itself is the issue here, you've already said to him before that you're turned on by the thought of him doing it sometimes.

I think it's more that you had a crap day, you were feeling low, you told him this and the response you should have had (him giving you a cuddle, cooking you dinner, cosying up on the sofa to talk about it ................ or all of these!) never materialised. Instead, he quickly moved on to focusing on his own pleasure in an adjacent room.

There's a time and place for everything, and I think he was being a bit blind to your particular needs at that time whilst focusing hugely on his own.

OP here, thanks for all the replies so far, they're really helpful.

You have hit the nail on the head above. I don't care that he had a ****! I also don't care that he watches porn, I care the way he went about it. To the poster who said, sometimes guys just want porn and not sex, that's not gender specific, so do girls!
It's more about the fact that often we don't have what I consider amazing sex. He often pulls out saying i'll just come on you, it's quicker. I find that insulting or he'll often just not want sex and says he has a low sex drive. He did it in such a weird way and it made me feel sick. To the poster who thinks taht'sodd, it's not **** that makes me feel sick at all. It's the way he hurried into our bedroom with his laptop, pulled the curtains and closed the door. Minutes later he came in and washed his hands and started asking me about the elecritiy bill. It was really awkward and I just felt sick. I still do to be honest.
I am very open about sex but this has really thrown me. I don't want to be around him. It's hard to explain because I didn't think this would bother me at all but as it happens, it massively does.
He usually messages me a few times a day and today he has been silent. He knows i'm upset and I think he must know why. I think he might be embarrassed. I know I am.

LegacyUser

I mean you're making a meal out of nothing really in my opinion. I think you've posted a few things about minor issues like him wearing a tuxedo on a night out before, or you throwing him out because he said something about his ex girlfriend.
Why do you make such a big deal out of little things?

skallywag

WhyDoIFeelsick wrote: »

He usually messages me a few times a day and today he has been silent.

I do not blame him, if he picked up on your reaction. He asked you was it OK to go off for a ****, you said yes? Was he somehow automatically meant to know that your yes meant no?

What did you say that if you were not comfortable with it?

Man with broke phone

You are a woman settling into life as a cohabiting woman. For about a week or two a month you will find something to be upset about. Im abit old school with the keeping your private moments private but if it wasnt this his dish washing technique would annoy you or something else.

Its perfectly normal and you probably have memories of mammy annoyed at daddy every few weeks. The secret to relationship happiness is just getting on with it. I think its some sort of nature instinct to be annoyed at the man for not making you pregnant that month.

People will come along and say how terrible I am and that they arnt like that but they are. Everybody is.

NewMan1982

Having read your latest post is guess there is a bigger issue at play here. Maybe you’ve just realised your not happy about certain things about him? Yesterday just brought it to your immediate attention.

cannotlogin

WhyDoIFeelsick wrote: »

It's more about the fact that often we don't have what I consider amazing sex. He often pulls out saying i'll just come on you, it's quicker. I find that insulting or he'll often just not want sex and says he has a low sex drive.]

When I read your first post, I thought It was a bit of an overreaction but your second post clearly outlines the issue.

I would find it hard not to be offended by a man who told me, he'd rather pull out to finish quicker! So his orgasm matters, but not yours? I'd be annoyed too by a selfish lazy lover who gets that excited by a quick porn **** but is too lazy to sexually satisfy me on a regular basis.

Is this the real issue? Maybe you are sexually incompatible, sounds like it. You need to discuss it.

1hnr79jr65

WhyDoIFeelsick wrote: »

It's more about the fact that often we don't have what I consider amazing sex. He often pulls out saying i'll just come on you, it's quicker. I find that insulting or he'll often just not want sex and says he has a low sex drive.

Do you both engage in foreplay, specifically where he spends more time on you ?

Have you both discussed pregnancy, is there a concern from your bf about you getting pregnant ? Could this be why he pulls out and less about your orgasm ?

What is good sex to you ? It is very easy to say you want good sex, however good sex can mean different things to 2 people, for one is could be missionary position and another it could be some kink.

Augme

You are an adult OP, you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. That what being an adult is about. I won't comment on his behaviour because this isn't about him and he isn't here. But I think your behaviour and actions have been quite poor in all of this.

- you told him it was perfectly okay to do something
- he does it and then you get really pissed off and give him the silent treatment
- you have continued to give him the silent treatment and not talked to him about it at all.

I'm sorry to say, but that is very childish behaviour and it is often an early sign of emotional controlling/abuse behavior. For a relationship to work you need to communicate and if you can't communicate properly then you need to take responsibility for that and maybe it is time to reevaluate if you should be in a relationship.

rapul

Yeah been in a similarish situation before and without going into too much detail you have embarrassed him about something absolutely normal and natural. Communication is key but tbh I think it's too late, whatever about how you feel you have made him feel awkward and wrong in his actions that you said were ok, you did say it was ok. Speaking from experience you have ruined the relationship, talk and see but imagine the other way around. And your time of month perhaps amplifying the severity of the situation.

John Hutton

Sometimes I think the world has gone mad.

"Hi dear, how was your day?"

"Absolutely terrible, worst day in ages"

"Ah that's terrible, btw you know they way you're on the rag and are useless to me, do you mind if I pop off and have a ****?"

He has asked you something that would make you look bad if you say no. He then compounds it by saying how great you are that you let him, further making you the bad guy if you say anything.

I'm sorry, but this isn't normal. What would be normal would be to talk to you about your day, and then if he really can't help himself he could masterbate privately.

People are saying "it's natural", yeah, and so is having a dump. Something being natural doesn't mean that it's always appropriate in every context or that you need to broadcast it.

In any case the fact that he struggles to orgasm while having sex without self manipulation suggests that he masterbates far too much anyway. This leads to desensitization. Your sex life may improve if he masterbates less.

I'm not surprised he sickens you, everything you have said points to him prioritizing his own physical pleasure over your physical pleasure and emotional needs. He has just demonstrated this in a big WTF moment and you are face to face with it now.

redfox123

Your first post repeatedly mentions how hurt you feel when he rejects you. Don’t underestimate or ignore how damaging sexual rejection can be. It feeds into every other part of the relationship. If it’s continual it makes you feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted or needed, and can eat away at confidence. His lack of drive makes you want it more because it is a relief to the feelings of being undesired.

Just look at some of the threads that are often posted here of those who are in one sided sexual relationships to see how hurtful it can be.

This hurt was amplified when he does things like he did the other day. It probably felt like another rejection. You wanted love and affection and again he chose to concentrate on himself.

You seem so determined to be the cool girlfriend that’s cool with porn and the **** and his selfishness and the lack of care about your feelings and the lack of tact saying he wants sex to be quicker, that when he does something so blatant you kind of snap out of the trying to impress him with your open mindedness and realise you are actually quite disgusted and hurt by it all and how you truly feel comes to the surface.

The masturbating does not bother you because you mostly want him to be involved whether it’s with porn or not. You would gladly choose sex with him over porn probably, while he often rejects you. He knows you try to be very cool with all this and at a moment when you felt vulnerable he pushed a little further in your ‘we’re so cool as a couple’ that he disregards your feelings (as usual) and pleases himself.

I would feel exactly what you’re feeling if not worse, as I can’t get my head around him being so clueless, cold and frankly lacking in empathy that he says this when you’ve just told him how low you were feeling. It’s just weird.

You really need to talk about your feelings with him and get them out. You don’t mind what he did, but for you it brought up some other issues that are really bothering you. Part of it probably feels like he wants to continue with his single type of life and also have you there, but not have to make the effort of the physical and emotional connection that you need.

Btw people masturbating to pornography on a laptop is anything but ‘natural’. Stop being conditioned to think it is. Also a cause of his lower drive towards normal real life sex and inability to climax.

redfox123

redfox123 wrote: »

Your first post repeatedly mentions how hurt you feel when he rejects you. Don’t underestimate or ignore how damaging sexual rejection can be. It feeds into every other part of the relationship. If it’s continual it makes you feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted or needed, and can eat away at confidence. His lack of drive makes you want it more because it is a relief to the feelings of being undesired.

Just look at some of the threads that are often posted here of those who are in one sided sexual relationships to see how hurtful it can be.

This hurt was amplified when he does things like he did the other day. It probably felt like another rejection. You wanted love and affection and again he chose to concentrate on himself.

You seem so determined to be the cool girlfriend that’s cool with porn and the **** and his selfishness and the lack of care about your feelings and the lack of tact saying he wants sex to be quicker, that when he does something so blatant you kind of snap out of the trying to impress him with your open mindedness and realise you are actually quite disgusted and hurt by it all and how you truly feel comes to the surface.

The masturbating does not bother you because you mostly want him to be involved whether it’s with porn or not. You would gladly choose sex with him over porn probably, while he often rejects you. He knows you try to be very cool with all this and at a moment when you felt vulnerable he pushed a little further in your ‘we’re so cool as a couple’ that he disregards your feelings (as usual) and pleases himself.

I would feel exactly what you’re feeling if not worse, as I can’t get my head around him being so clueless, cold and frankly lacking in empathy that he says this when you’ve just told him how low you were feeling. It’s just weird.

You really need to talk about your feelings with him and get them out. You don’t mind what he did, but for you it brought up some other issues that are really bothering you. Part of it probably feels like he wants to continue with his single type of life and also have you there, but not have to make the effort of the physical and emotional connection that you need.

Btw people masturbating to pornography on a laptop is anything but ‘natural’. Stop being conditioned to think it is. Also a cause of his lower drive towards normal real life sex and inability to climax.

Excellent analysis.

An anecdote from my past:

Id been seeing my ex for about six weeks. She was due to come over and stay for the weekend. The plan was for most of it to be spent in bed. Needless to say i was excited and looking forward to it.

She arrived on Friday evening all upset. The monthly visitor had arrived. At that point in our relationship she wasn't comfortable with period sex. The main cause of her tears was she expected me to turn her away, go home, you're no good to me. Instead i ordered pizza, and we watched DVDs and cuddled. She told me weeks later that it felt like a pivotal moment in our blossoming relationship, that i truly cared for her, that i didn't just want sex.

OP, i think you experienced the opposite reception, and therefore felt the opposite feelings.

When your partner has a lousy day, its your duty to give them a hug and a kiss, make them tea, or something stronger, make or organise some comfort food. That duty works both ways in a healthy relationship.

I think its his lack of empathy and serious lack of tact that's the issue here. It wasn't the **** that was the issue, but disappearing into the bedroom with the laptop indicates to me at least either immaturity or he has a problem.

If he was in that much need, a quicky in the jacks, taking 5 minutes would have satiated him enough to concentrate on his partner.

One final thing, him taking too long, and the only way he can finish is on you not in you... I don't know but it's unorthodox at the very least. I can't help thinking perhaps his expectations have been influenced too much by porn.

P.S. I should qualify all this by saying i do watch porn, but there's such a thing as too much of a thing, and few videos really depict real sex. PornHub.com is not and shouldn't be used as a sex manual.

Airyfairy12

Could it have been the timing? You were just in from work and upset, he could have shown a bit of empathy and consideration but decided to go off and watch porn instead. Sounds like its not the porn or him pleasing himself thats bothering you, maybe its the context in which it took place?
He was being insensitive, id be upset too.

tara73

redfox123 wrote: »

You seem so determined to be the cool girlfriend that’s cool with porn and the **** and his selfishness and the lack of care about your feelings and the lack of tact saying he wants sex to be quicker, that when he does something so blatant you kind of snap out of the trying to impress him with your open mindedness and realise you are actually quite disgusted and hurt by it all and how you truly feel comes to the surface.

this.

I wasn't sure what to make of it from your first post, but after the other posts from you I got more of a picture of him and I think the above is the key point.
He seems to be very selfish and you're uderstandably suffering, feeling rejected sexually and on top of this this behaviour of him, at some stage it's enough, there's only so much mistreatment one can take. the incident you described here was the straw that broke the camels back.

for me, it sounds he actually intentionally wants to hurt you.

tara73

tara73 wrote: »

for me, it sounds he actually intentionally wants to hurt you.

Hanlon's Razer: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity".

He's not intentionally hurting her. He's just stupid and tactless.

tara73

Deleted User wrote: »

Hanlon's Razer: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity".

He's not intentionally hurting her. He's just stupid and tactless.

and you know this guy personally that you can exclude it? malices exists and there are all kinds of it out there unfortunately..:rolleyes:

osarusan

The guy seems oblivious or not bothered by the quality of your sex life and the extent to which you feel rejected, and that's aggravated by him letting you know he is off for a ****.

Maybe what's bugging you is that he doesn't seem all that interested in improving your sex life/becoming more attracted to you.

bitofabind

It sounds like you're totally sexually incompatible. And maybe incompatible in other ways too, you haven't given enough context here to determine that.

You have a higher sex drive than him so end up feeling sexually rejected a lot of the time. What he does during sex feels like more rejection to you. And again more of the same yesterday, with him ignoring your upset and slinking off to the bedroom to get his rocks off. That's a lot of rejection and dismissal of your needs right there.

Call me old-fashioned but a partner vocalising something like "I'm off to the bedroom to watch porn and have a ****" is a bit WTF / TMI to me. There are some things you just don't need to say, especially when your partner is clearly sensitive and upset. I feel like the totally tone-deaf nature of hearing that when you were upset is highlighting a general dissatisfaction with at least your sex life and maybe the relationship too. It's worth reflecting on this unhappiness - try to dig and identify exactly what your sadness is here.

tara73

tara73 wrote: »

and you know this guy personally that you can exclude it? malices exists and there are all kinds of it out there unfortunately..:rolleyes:

There was no need for that retort. No I don't know the guy personally. Yes malice exists, however in my analysis of what the OP said I didn't see signs of malice, just insensitivity and tactlessness.

tara73

Deleted User wrote: »

There was no need for that retort. No I don't know the guy personally. Yes malice exists, however in my analysis of what the OP said I didn't see signs of malice, just insensitivity and tactlessness.

And there was no need for quoting me and correcting my impression in the first place as if it's completely out of the question! It was aimed at the OP, as food for thought and she can decide whether it's the case or not and not open for correction or dismissal. So, end of!

LegacyUser

Hi Guys, OP here..

Thank you all fo ryour replies fo far, they are really insightful and helpful. Somebody mentioned me being emotionally controlling and I think that's ridiculous. Also people saying you said he could watch porn and **** and he did just that, what's the problem, well nothing is ever that black and white. It was the timing and the way he did it that bothered me.

To give further context, this isn't the first converstaion we have had about sex and my frustration/lack of satisfaction. He admits that he knows it's unfullfilling and promises to make more effort but never does. One example that stunned me and seriously upset me was we were away for the weekend in a lovely hotel. I had booked it for us and had brought sexy thigh high boots, lingerie etc. We had sex the first night but the next morning I was in the bathroom and it had a sliding door. I was naked and definitely hoping for more sex. I was just brushing my teeth. He slided the door open with a hugh hard on and said - i need to get rid of this, stay in there for a few minutes and slid the door closed. I was almost physically sick that he did thata nd honestly wanted to pack my bags and walk right then and there.

After I told him I was really upset and he said he was sorry that it was just raging and he had to get rid of it an he didn't want to bother me putting on my make up and getting me all dirty cos I had just showered. I feel really sad and upset writing that as the rejection floods over me again.

He comes on me alot. I don't mind that the odd time but almost every time is not ok. I tell him this and he still does it.

I said he can **** cos who am I to tell him not to! Of course he can but just don't do it when i'm clearly upset. I hardly thinks thats controlling of me.

We talked last night and it got heated and I said it's over. I don't know what to think today. He says he knows he's not satisfying me and he knows yesterday was wrong. He said he was embarassed afterwards and that's why he didn't talk to me all day. We twalked once we'd both finished work as I like things to be open. I hate sulking. He's a great guy in other ways but this is obvioulsy a huge problem.

redfox123

The insident that leads a poster to post here is usually the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the issue(s) involved and how long it’s been going on and the upset it has caused.

This is clearly the case here. To be really honest I think your OH has a problem with porn and masturbation (sadly all too common these days) and it has created an unhealthy attitude towards your body, your needs and a normal real life sexual relationship. Coming on someone is very much something you see in porn and many women can feel quite objectified and demeaned by it. Some might like it but I would say certainly not every time you ‘make love’, which sorry to say this isn’t.

You can’t control him so I rarely advise this but personally I would end the relationship because I would not be able to cope with the hurt of being with someone who continually chooses his hand and the soulless world of internet porn over my body and needs, when you’ve repeatedly told him how rejected you feel. I don’t blame you feeling physically sick.

Idle Passerby

After reading your last post it sounds like he finds masterbation preferable to sex with you. The incident in the hotel where he made the effort to let you know how turned on he was before telling you to stay away while he sorted himself out illustrates that. No wonder your upset. This isn't about him having less libido than you, it's about him choosing to avoid a mutually satisfying sex life with his partner.

bitofabind

I agree with the others. What happened in that hotel room is really sad and I'm sorry for you OP, over time that kind of behaviour is really going to dent your self-esteem and I really think it's important that you prioritise your own well-being here.

Your OH seems to see porn and sex as two completely separate things, and doesn't seem to value or struggles with intimacy with an actual human he loves versus the mechanics of getting himself off using porn. This is clearly not about you and some deep-seated issue that he's dealing with, but the implications for you are huge. I think you need to think long and hard about whether you have confidence that you can overcome this together, or if the most sensible decision is to cut your losses.

LegacyUser

These posts make me really sad..since when has it become ok to objectify a woman so much, ignore her needs, her feelings, her sexual pleasure? Since when did it become the norm to think a degrading act like coming on her even after she's said no, be acceptable? And yes, it is degrading...I've engaged in it myself and it's always been a power play/dominance/fetishizing you as a sex object context. Which is totally fine if thats Ur buzz, but without the context it really is demeaning.

A lot of his behaviour has been demeaning and lacking feeling. Who tells someone I'm incredibly turned on but then literally closes the door and leaves you 'locked away' alone while he jerks off on what's supposed to be a romantic wknd??? Christ, all I can say is the dynamic is not right ..you've been patient but come on, your needs for basic affection trump having a ****!!!

I think you have made the right decision to end it.



The incident in the hotel, IMO, should have been the last straw.



Ask any normal thinking guy would he prefer sex or a **** and I'd wager 99% would choose sex. While on a weekend away with your partner, sex is not just expected but guaranteed, and more than once.


You were expecting, not just hoping, that he'd come in, tell you to stop what you are doing and come back to bed. Instead he disappeared off to the room on his own. I can't really get my head around it tbh.



I know you said he's a great guy except for this, but life really is too short to be with someone who is great except for...

ILoveYourVibes

1. There is such a thing as over sharing between couples.

2. You needed affection he needed to scratch an itch.

3. He felt comfortable sharing his need. ( Which he probably shouldn't have. You don't need to know everything someone does). You didn't feel there was space made to share yours.

I don't think your bf has an issue with porn. I do think he lacks ...suaveness ..or the social graces within a relationship. That's not his fault. Its perhaps innocence in him.

I would just tell him you need some affection. I wouldn't mention anything negative about the porn situation. It would only make him feel bad. He didn't do anything wrong per say.

He just didn't read your needs too well. So he might be someone that needs to be taught that sex means affection too sometimes. Or that its sometimes needed when a partner is down.

1hnr79jr65

While the ops bf seems a bit cold to her needs where is comes to affection, i would point out in the case of the hotel away, while sex multiple times was expected by the op, her bf is in no way obligated to facilitate that if he does not wish. There are some posts here lashing the bf for not giving the op another sex session, however if the shoe was on the other foot and the op only wanted sex once and then masturbated after there would be uproar about consent vs perceived "obligation".

I do agree the manner the op's bf went about masturbating was a tad crass, from what the op describes, the bf seems oblivious rather than callous. This boils down to communication issues and understanding, not lack of caring based on op's own description.

Op from what you have said, your bf seems a decent guy but lacking in behavioral/affection observation skills, this needs to be the focus of discussion going forward to ensure the relationship survives, that is if you want to work at the relationship and if your bf is also willing. It will require a very firm conservation between you both and a gut check decision on if you believe it is worth it.

Next time he turns you down grab your vibrator and tell him you're off to relieve yourself. See how he likes it.

DonnaDarko09

Oh my god. That hotel incident? Seriously?
That was a disgusting thing for him to do.

Ah no OP. I think you are right to get rid. This guy sounds like he has an issue with porn and lacks any real care or thought when it comes to your physical and emotional needs.

He has massive problems. He needs help quite frankly. OP this is not normal behaviour. Good move to break up with him.

JasonStatham

I always thought **** by yourself was something you did when you're single. If my gf told me she wanted to **** by herself....or to porn even...i'd dump her ass yesterday. So degrading.

qwerty13

Summer Beach wrote: »

It sounds like you think communication in a relationship is overrated.

I think that’s not the case with that post referenced.

While communicating about preferences/expectations is hugely important, being told “I’m off for **** now”, not so much.

I find it hard to evaluate if the OP’s partner is uncaring, a bit emotionally lacking, or utterly unaware of any social finesse. Whichever of those 3 points it is, incompatibility is the first thing that popped into my head.

I don’t understand some of your partner’s sexual behaviour OP. Do you think he’s repressed, or that excessive porn / masturbation is an issue? Do you feel as though he pays no attention to your sexual needs? Is he very old school in that his orgasm is the important one? I know you’ve talked about porn and ‘what’s ok’ - but have you talked about what you want from a sexual relationship?

skallywag

WhydoIfeelsick wrote: »

...One example that stunned me and seriously upset me was we were away for the weekend in a lovely hotel. I had booked it for us and had brought sexy thigh high boots, lingerie etc. We had sex the first night but the next morning I was in the bathroom and it had a sliding door. I was naked and definitely hoping for more sex. I was just brushing my teeth. He slided the door open with a hugh hard on and said - i need to get rid of this, stay in there for a few minutes and slid the door closed..

Call me cynical perhaps, but I am finding that a little hard to swallow.

Any lad that I have ever met, including myself, would have been heading straight at you. Something is not adding up.

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

Call me cynical perhaps, but I am finding that a little hard to swallow.

Any lad that I have ever met, including myself, would have been heading straight at you. Something is not adding up.

Ridiculous thing to say. I, as a man, have gone off women partners before and it wouldn't matter what they were wearing I'd still rather just go asleep. Not all of us think like you.

skallywag

skallywag wrote: »

Call me cynical perhaps, but I am finding that a little hard to swallow.

Any lad that I have ever met, including myself, would have been heading straight at you. Something is not adding up.

Taking the OP at her word: there is something wrong with this guy. Which is plausible.

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks once again for all the replies, they have been really helpful. To the poster who suggested I made up the hotel story, I can only say I iwsh I had but I most definitley didn't make it up. It happened and has played on my mind ever since despite it being months ago now.

I asked him about it again when we talked ad he said that his tummy was a bit funny from all the mixture of cocktails we'd drank the night before and haevy meal. He said because I had just gotten out of the shower and put make up on he didn't want to ruin that and that he just quickly wanted to 'get rid' of his hard on which in a weird way I do kinda understand. He wanted a quick release as opposed to making the effort with sex. I was disappointed, hurt, saddened and still am by that. I wish it wasn't true.

Another poster mentioned **** alone to be single behaviour but I don't really agree with that. I think it's still important to have alone time and to be free to touch yourself if you feel lik eit but what's not ok is making your partner feel like **** which is what is happening here.
His says he has a low sex drive and always has but I'm not sure I believe that to be true because he talked a good game at the start of our relationship. He talked about threesomes and wild nights and I was worried I might keep up but it hasn't been that way at all.

He says he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy but he just doesn't have a drive but yet, he watches porn and has time for himself.

skallywag

otra vez69 wrote: »

Ridiculous thing to say. I, as a man, have gone off women partners before and it wouldn't matter what they were wearing I'd still rather just go asleep. Not all of us think like you.

The lad had an erection and told the OP to stay put so he could have a ****. Nobody was on about going to sleep.

You will probably improve your replies if you actually read the thread (or at least some of it?), to get some, you know, context?

OP, apologies if it sounds like I was calling your authenticity into question. Just because it is very far removed from my own experiences does not of course mean that you are fabricating the whole situation.

Idle Passerby

I can't speak for everyone but I've never, nor have any of my female friends, to my knowledge, been with a man who would actively choose having a solitary **** over being intimate with their partner who is naked, in front of them and actively up for it. I find his actions in that situation to be unusual and insulting.

Of course people in relationships are entitled to pleasure themselves alone but choosing to close the door on your partner, who is up for sex, in favour of a quick tug? That's very weird in my book.

I don't buy his lame excuse that he just wanted to "get rid of it". What turned him on in the first place? Even if he was watching porn while you were brushing your teeth, why wouldn't he prefer to have sex with you anyway instead of shutting the door on you to sort himself out?

If I was in your shoes I'd be drawing the conclusion that he either has some bizarre hang ups with sex or he's not attracted to me.

Tork

He sounds like somebody who has watched too much porn for his own good. Instead of porn being an accessory to his sex life with a living breathing person, it's the other way around. He seems to have difficulties dealing with a real girlfriend on a few levels which sounds totally insane to any red-blooded man or woman. You can have a **** any time - the chance to get jiggy with another human doesn't happen so often. The pair of you are so incompatible, I don't see you having much of a future even if you get back together again.

Widdensushi

WhydoIfeelsick wrote: »

Op here, thanks once again for all the replies, they have been really helpful. To the poster who suggested I made up the hotel story, I can only say I iwsh I had but I most definitley didn't make it up. It happened and has played on my mind ever since despite it being months ago now.

I asked him about it again when we talked ad he said that his tummy was a bit funny from all the mixture of cocktails we'd drank the night before and haevy meal. He said because I had just gotten out of the shower and put make up on he didn't want to ruin that and that he just quickly wanted to 'get rid' of his hard on which in a weird way I do kinda understand. He wanted a quick release as opposed to making the effort with sex. I was disappointed, hurt, saddened and still am by that. I wish it wasn't true.

Another poster mentioned **** alone to be single behaviour but I don't really agree with that. I think it's still important to have alone time and to be free to touch yourself if you feel lik eit but what's not ok is making your partner feel like **** which is what is happening here.
His says he has a low sex drive and always has but I'm not sure I believe that to be true because he talked a good game at the start of our relationship. He talked about threesomes and wild nights and I was worried I might keep up but it hasn't been that way at all.

He says he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy but he just doesn't have a drive but yet, he watches porn and has time for himself.

Firstly don't take strangers on the internets opinions very strongly, obviously your account is going to be biased and that's all we have to reference, every relationship is different, alot are sexually loaded on one side, people make it work and it is the best life that they will ever find, some are equally sexually compatible, I get the impression that neither of ye are attracted to each other, you are disgusted, he is self satisfying, weigh up your options, hopefully you have better options.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, what kind of porn is the bf watching? Do you have any suspicions about his sexuality? Is he gay?