Oversharing

noserider

Hey,

I was watching a film Jessica Biel with the missus. I think she's attractive and said so. It did not go down well. Am I being too casual and oversharing? She thinks no other couples she knows have that type of conversation i.e. observing someone's looks
Thoughts?

John Hutton

Like everything, it depends on how you said it, and the context.

Man with broke phone

Did you say in a posh english accent


You know what dear, I think that Jessica Biel Is an attractive woman and will make a man happy one day.

Or did you say

Jaysis I've an awful horn looking at the Biel wan.

Option 1 should give you a red flag on where this relationship is going, option 2 should probably give her a red flag.

Kamu

How long have you been going out with this girl?

I've no issue with my misses saying another man is attractive and she has no issue with me saying another girl is attractive.

We've openly discussed attractive people, including people we know. It's really no big deal.

If a person can't handle another person observing and commenting on how other people look, they've self-esteem issues.

John Hutton

noserider wrote: »

Yeah good point and hard to describe context. Just having a glass of vino, bit of a chat, curious to know if she finds any fellas attractive also ( obv no one we know!) and just get to know each other better

I think this is a bad conversation to have to be honest... You find each other attractive and leave it at that.

You never know with people what hangups they have about their bodies. For instance, if there is some aspect of herself that she really hates and the person you say is attractive has zero flaws in that area it can upset people.

I'm bald and if my partner went on about how attractive some guy is who has spectacular hair I might feel a bit self conscious about it.

noserider

John Hutton wrote: »

I think this is a bad conversation to have to be honest... You find each other attractive and leave it at that.

You never know with people what hangups they have about their bodies. For instance, if there is some aspect of herself that she really hates and the person you say is attractive has zero flaws in that area it can upset people.

I'm bald and if my partner went on about how attractive some guy is who has spectacular hair I might feel a bit self conscious about it.

I think you've nailed it on there head mate.

MouseTail

noserider wrote: »

Yes but the confirmation is there hang-up s on her side and why can't I have a light-hearted chat about what I like/dislike

Because you are with your partner because you find HER attractive, why tell her what other women you find attractive? It's not a light hearted chat, especially at the early stages of a relationship.

dockysher

MouseTail wrote: »

Because you are with your partner because you find HER attractive, why tell her what other women you find attractive? It's not a light hearted chat, especially at the early stages of a relationship.

But what if all the women have lovely bottoms

StringerBell

It's a red flag tbh. Maybe your girlfriend has some emotions trauma or deep insecurity or maybe she was just having bad day?

I'd be wary anyway.

Faith

I dunno, I’d often comment in a light-hearted manner on attractive celebrities on tv/in films and my husband isn’t bothered about it at all. I’ve just asked him about it and he said it doesn’t bother him or make him feel self-conscious or threatened because he can separate celebrities on a screen from real life. He wouldn’t overtly comment on women he finds attractive, but I can usually tell and I’ll joke about it.

I wonder if it’s a matter of trust? We’ve been together a long time and are solid as a rock so that probably helps. But my friends would definitely also have conversations with their partners about attractive celebrities, so it’s not like no-one else in the world does it, OP!

eviltwin

How long are you together OP? Sounds like a fairly new relationship and yeah people can be insecure but a one off comment about someone famous isn’t a bad thing. Everyone fancies at least one celebrity and most of the time their partner knows. Not a big deal and sounds like an overreaction on her part.

In saying that we don’t know context so a lot will depend on how you phrased it and how many such comments you made.

Sono

If this is an issue you need to find a new partner, ridiculous thing to get annoyed about!

Dial Hard

John Hutton wrote: »

I'm bald and if my partner went on about how attractive some guy is who has spectacular hair I might feel a bit self conscious about it.

There's a yawning chasm between "going on" about how attractive someone is and making an offhand comment about it. I couldn't be with someone who had a problem with the latter.

Loveinapril

I think it is perfectly fine to share these sorts of things. Is your partner generally insecure? My husband knows full well I would leave him if an offer came up with Jason Momoa! And I can spot his type before he can on TV, none of whom bare any resemblance to me. But we are both okay with that because we are both solid in our commitment to each other.

Hannibal_Smith

Hah! We'd never have made it off the starting blocks if my husband had an issue with me passing comment on attractive actors/singers or whatever It works both ways, it's a wedding ring on our fingers not a blindfold.

Now, we wouldn't harp on about it or yell out a phwwooarr or anything But if someone's attractive, you're going to comment on it and I don't see it as a reflection on how you feel about or see your other half. It's just a shallow remark about a person on a screen.

I don't think you did anything wrong and I think it is an over reaction, but then each couple is different and has their boundaries. If your wife has an issue with it, is she insecure or sensitive in general? If she finds it offensive is there a way of keeping the comments to yourself?

leggo

I’d be of the opinion that, in any relationship I want to be in, stuff like this should be fair game. There’s an appropriate way to talk to your partner obviously (same as everyone in life), but attraction to others doesn’t just switch off once you commit to someone and pretending that’s the case is a pretty insecure foundation to build a relationship on. I don’t even mind talking about people we know. Any relationship worth their salt should be able to withstand that.

Of course there’s lines and boundaries: if you’re ALWAYS going on about the same person, or if you’re just randomly dropping in that you think their best friend is a ride apropos of nothing, and on the flip side if you make these comments about others but never them. That’s where problems can arise and, if that’s the case, then yeah it’s wrong.

cannotlogin

Does she expect men to go blind once in a relationship?

Nothing wrong with finding other people attractive, it's impossible not to.

If she's going to get jealous and throw a strop over you finding a woman attractive...especially one you'll probably never meet and don't have a chance with, can you be bothered putting up with that. Screams issues with self confidence, trust, control etc.

lurker2000

Was just discussing this last night with my other half. We had a BBQ some time back and he was talking about his celeb crush (Nigella Lawson) and I asked one of the other guys there which celeb he found attractive. He got really uncomfortable and squirmed and wouldn't say so the subject was changed. His wife was there too so maybe he was barred from expressing such thoughts. Both my husband and I found it really odd as we always have a laugh about each others crushes and thought everyone did it!

osarusan

noserider wrote: »

Yeah good point and hard to describe context. Just having a glass of vino, bit of a chat, curious to know if she finds any fellas attractive also ( obv no one we know!) and just get to know each other better

In the OP you said she's your 'missus'. I thought you were married or had been together years.


As somebody else said, it all depends on how you said it and what the context was, and add to that how long you have been together, or, at least, how solid or secure the relationship is.

MissShihTzu

Hmm. Personally, I would find the fact she got the hump odd. I mean, it's not as though you're about to rush off and declare undying love for Jessica is it? She sounds very, very insecure to me, and for me, I can't do doing with that. I don't have time!

To be that unhappy about a well-known personality you're unlikely to meet and will not affect your life in any way is frankly strange. For example - It's like people commenting on the Royal Family as if they know them well and are intimately involved in their lives.

I'd be asking her exactly what the issue is, and take it from there.

SusieBlue

Yeah it’s all about context.
Like if you kept saying my sister or my best friend was drop dead gorgeous I’d possibly feel a bit threatened and insecure cause that’s just way too close to the bone for me, but one offhand comment about Jessica Biel?
A woman you are unlikely to ever meet and (no offence) have no chance with anyway?
Does she really think you’re going to swan off into the sunset with an A list famous American actress?

Dtp1979

Op, I hope to god you have no female friends that resemble Jessica Biel.

Yellow pack crisps

Jessica Biel is not the problem here. You don’t come across as someone who tries to make their partner jealous so this is her own insecurities. You should ask her to have a conversation about why you are even having a discussion on such a pointless thing. People like that who get falsely hurt over finding a actress or whatever attractive are usually hiding who they really are and life does not get better with them unless they seek help to deal with such abnormal feelings. If you can’t tell the person your most intimate some light hearted words of attraction then you’re with the wrong person. You telling her JB is attractive is not making her feel unattractive, it’s making her tell you who she is and what her state of mind is like.

cj maxx

If it was just a comment, ie you don't have shrine to JB in a room, Its completely unwarranted.
People comment on celebs all the time to their partners.
Usually there might even be agreement.

Sleepy

Run. Any woman this insecure will inevitably try to control every aspect of your life.

eleventh

Sounds like you don't take the relationship seriously, and she does.

As others have said as well though, it can depend how long you're married. Some will be ok with it past a certain point.

Some will never be ok with it.

Clare Kat

eleventh wrote: »

Sounds like you don't take the relationship seriously, and she does.

As others have said as well though, it can depend how long you're married. Some will be ok with it past a certain point.

Some will never be ok with it.

Not that it has anything to do with the conversation, but where did he mention he was married??? And does being married a long time make a woman feel more secure???? Pleeaaaase! Screams of insecurity along with self-esteem issues. Run like the divil!

ILoveYourVibes

Man with broke phone wrote: »

Did you say in a posh english accent


You know what dear, I think that Jessica Biel Is an attractive woman and will make a man happy one day.

Or did you say

Jaysis I've an awful horn looking at the Biel wan.

Option 1 should give you a red flag on where this relationship is going, option 2 should probably give her a red flag.

Neither of these would bug me. It might bore me though.

Yes there is something such as over sharing and its different with some people. You have to figure it out though. Every man and woman is different.

I have had many bfs where they wouldn't have liked me sharing things like that at all. I just respected it.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

As the OP hasn't been back in a few days I don't think there's much more can be said on this advice wise.

I'll close it for now but if you want it re-opened OP just let someone on the Mod team know.

Thanks

Hannibal