How will I become the old ME after this

cmat

Alot has happened, friends say how strong I am, but am I? but I am, I convince myself , afraid of trying to put a tough pretty, headstrong, focused and pilot face on it all. I've friends, christ I'm damn lucky. Real supportive, they make me cry in private. Within two years my dad died, doctors missed diagnosed me for two weeks in which one doctor coped on and knew problem, toxic shock could of been cause of my death . Pain nearly killed me, mediation for divorce was fcuking hell and divorce financially took my savings, had to cousell my daughter myself, had a 5 month relationship and then was ghosted which I never heard before. Couldn't go to divorce hearding because of utter shock. Mother is dying. Not long, my only foundation, only woman who could read me is drifting away and I'm really afraid this could be the final straw. I want ME back as I'm an amazing person. My daughter knows I'm sad and trying to protect her from seeing me bloody sad as my mom is dying. I feel im preforming, hiding I don't know. At the end of the day lm afraid of being alone to greave, worry about my siblings, my mothers friend and family home being sold. My job changed location after 20 years so I'm not working, probably best as I couldn't cope with mom and travelling. I don't know, I'm reaching out to ye. I miss laughing my arse off, spraying my hair for nights out with my family. Live so far away from home, I drive like a bloody safe robot. I'm protect everyone and tell them Im fine but by christ I'm afraid of the crash

Stateofyou

Christ, that is a lot. The fact you are still going and reaching out for help/getting a load off is nothing short of amazing. You're not just strong, but you're an absolute superhuman! The first thought I had after reading that was that it's all going to be uphill for you after you get through all this. Every storm eventually runs out of rain. In my life when I'm going through the wars I try to remember that it won't last forever. It's absolute sh!te getting through but get through it you will. My best advice is not to run from how you're feeling. Face your pain and your fears and allow yourself to feel it and sit with it. How about starting a journal? You need somewhere to pour it all out, friends and therapist are massively helpful too as extra support right now is definitely only a good thing. Kick up your self care to high gear, however that means to you. Workouts, baths, takeaway and Netflix, buy a good book, walk in nature, have a friend or two over for a lighthearted evening, etc. Just take it day by day. All the best to you and your family.

cmat

Thankyou for reply as I just gave it all on boards last night and felt huge relief putting it down on paper as it was all my raw thoughts of this tragic few years. Yes, repeating from last year, "next year will be my year"! My mother was/is my rock and I know we must all die at some stage. I've great support but counselling will be booked by end of year after all is done so I can move on. Time heals and I celebrate my dad's life everyday but just fearing the loss of my mother might be just break the camels back. I really appreciate as I'll look back at reply a good couple of times to pull myself together x

2 fast

cmat wrote: »

Thankyou for reply as I just gave it all on boards last night and felt huge relief putting it down on paper as it was all my raw thoughts of this tragic few years. Yes, repeating from last year, "next year will be my year"! My mother was/is my rock and I know we must all die at some stage. I've great support but counselling will be booked by end of year after all is done so I can move on. Time heals and I celebrate my dad's life everyday but just fearing the loss of my mother might be just break the camels back. I really appreciate as I'll look back at reply a good couple of times to pull myself together x

You are so amazing and strong and that will come back with time. Maybe you don't need to be the old you but a new version who is still that amazing person but with a more resilient and stronger person. Let go of the old and strive to be a new you, embrace and leave yourself feel sad and then move in a new direction maybe a new hobby or interest.

cmat

Thank you, I really mean that. My friend tells me the same. A new me, a new job when Im ready. I will laugh again I know as I've a great personality. It's just my time to say goodbye to my last parent as we will all have to do some day x

RustyMam

I want to reach through the screen and give you a massive hug. Reading your post I could hear me through it all. Been there, done that.

All I can say are the same cliches that you've heard from others. You will get through this, time does help.

You might think that you've taken every knock you possibly can and you can't take anymore. But what I hear is a mother who is concerned with supporting her daughter, who loves her mother and who is keeping life going for everyone else. You sound like you have good friends there to support you but I get that sometimes it just all feels like too much.

You may not feel like "the strong one" but that's just what you are. There are loads of people who faced with what you're dealing with would step back and take care of themselves, but your first thought is not to upset your daughter.

Losing your mam is going to be tough, 15 years on for me and I still want to pick up the phone to talk to her. I dont know if you've tried counselling but consider it. It's hard to "believe" your friends and it's good to talk things through with someone independent.

You are where I was a couple of years ago. Had lost my mother, father, was in the middle of a horrible separation and feeling like I was in a dead end job. My life is no where near perfect now but unbelievably, to me anyway, I'm happy overall. It only took time and giving myself a break.

You don't have to worry about anyone bar yourself and your daughter. It's not selfish to sometimes put yourself first, be kind to yourself you're doing great.... keep going.

screamer

You’ve so much on your plate, I really feel for you. Bring honest none of us are ever the old us, our lives shape us into the people we are, our experiences temper us, and our families hold us fast to what really matters. Don’t look back, look forward to a time when you can be the new you, and all those things that you’re facing into now will shape that new you. Be kind to yourself, grief is awful, but death is part of life. Cherish the time you have left with your mum, and be kind to yourself, and somewhere deep inside you’ll find the strength to go on and become that new you. My grandad used to say don’t cry for me when I’m gone, keep going, live your life and know that I look out through your eyes, so as long as you live I do too. He’s dead years now but I hold those words dear to my heart even still.

radiotrickster

I don’t have much advice for you OP, but I will say you’re incredibly strong to have gone through what you have.

The part that stood out to me was about how now, you feel like you’re performing and trying to hold it together in front of your daughter. But your daughter needs to grow up knowing it’s okay to cry, and you need to be able to cry and not bottle everything up.

I’d recommend you have a chat about your mom, talk to her about how she’s feeling and if you get upset, let her see you’re sad and sit in that sadness together for a moment. Allow yourself to feel the pain. It will ease enough to pass until the next moment comes around.

It’s understandable if you don’t feel ready to do that but just know, your daughter would likely rather see that you’re than know you’re upset and hiding it.

Other than that, best of luck OP x

cmat

Thank you, Reading reply gives me such comfort and ease. I'm taking one step at a time and keeping busy as this morning was like I was a dead weight but got in my car and met a few friends and had a laugh. After that I felt human again. I'll be OK I know but you know yourself the loss of a mom is tough but il celebrate her life when she takes off to dad soon. X

cmat

Thank you, I've spent alot of time with her. She told her friend I was the only one like her so that was a great complement. Time will build me up again with friends dragging me out for club activities will slowly stop me thinking of the past. I'm alot better tonight as I got alot of my thoughts out there and I'm grateful for all your support x

leggo

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, that is a lot and it’d take its toll on anyone.

As far as getting ‘back to yourself’, I think one thing worth remembering is that life moves forward not backwards. It’s common to think of times in our lives where everything felt right, but the reality is they are just a memory now. You won’t get *back* to yourself, but you will recover and there’s every possibility you could be at a stage in the future where you’re happier than you ever were before. The thing is you’ll take these difficult times with you, learn from them and grow as a person. They’ll make you stronger if you handle them right. But you have to confront them, to deal with them head on, to let emotion in and out as necessary and move with what’s happening rather than resist it or default on feeling victimised.

You can do this and you will. There’ll be a time at the other side of all this when you’ll be happy and this will feel like a memory, and you’ll think of how you came to how you feel then vs now. You’ll feel untouchable and like you can face anything. Keep that in mind and just get through this as best you can, and be good to yourself when you need to too.

OP4.5

OP - let me say that you are exceptionally strong. You are an inspiration, actually.

The only 'advice' I would give is to enjoy as many moments with your mother as possible. That way you can always look back and smile at the quality time had together rather than regret any what ifs.

Your focus on your daughter is outstanding.

As is known from the charter on this forum etc., please do reach out to Samaritans, Aware or other mental health services if you need to. The professionals and a lot of self-care will help you out. That is the professional's job!

Always post here if you need to.

cmat

leggo wrote: »

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, that is a lot and it’d take its toll on anyone.

As far as getting ‘back to yourself’, I think one thing worth remembering is that life moves forward not backwards. It’s common to think of times in our lives where everything felt right, but the reality is they are just a memory now. You won’t get *back* to yourself, but you will recover and there’s every possibility you could be at a stage in the future where you’re happier than you ever were before. The thing is you’ll take these difficult times with you, learn from them and grow as a person. They’ll make you stronger if you handle them right. But you have to confront them, to deal with them head on, to let emotion in and out as necessary and move with what’s happening rather than resist it or default on feeling victimised.

You can do this and you will. There’ll be a time at the other side of all this when you’ll be happy and this will feel like a memory, and you’ll think of how you came to how you feel then vs now. You’ll feel untouchable and like you can face anything. Keep that in mind and just get through this as best you can, and be good to yourself when you need to too.

Thankyou so much, yes I've though about life comes to an end for all of us and both my parents were very proud and know I will hopefully meet someone special and lead a very happy life as I'm a get up and get it done person. I have talked to my friends but sure ye know yourself, I don't want them seeing me upset as I protect them too. I felt release from the stress of it all today as a friend took us out for a day of pampering. I know I've changed alot for the better, more independent and free since divorce and having another chance of love again. I'm under 50yrs thank god. I'm blessed with my parents sense of witty humour and quite positive but saying goodbye to my mother will knock me out for some while to come. I'm moving home for a week or so to look after her which is the best thing now for the both of us and probably talk over alot of her life and what she wants of me but il make her proud please God x

cmat

OP4.5 wrote: »

OP - let me say that you are exceptionally strong. You are an inspiration, actually.

The only 'advice' I would give is to enjoy as many moments with your mother as possible. That way you can always look back and smile at the quality time had together rather than regret any what ifs.

Your focus on your daughter is outstanding.

As is known from the charter on this forum etc., please do reach out to Samaritans, Aware or other mental health services if you need to. The professionals and a lot of self-care will help you out. That is the professional's job!

Always post here if you need to.

Awe thankyou, going home for over a week to mind and talk with her. It's like a preparing me and preparing her for moving on. I promise when all this is over, I'll book a recommended consellor to talk it through to reboot myself. Lastly I always tell my little lady how proud I am of her by her support with my mother.
I'm so happy and more settled in myself I put up my raw thoughts on my life in last two years on boards xx

leggo

I’m so glad you know all of that OP.

Also worth keeping in mind is that we can think we’re being a massive burden on our friends when really it’s a blip to them because they don’t feel the weight of what we’re going through like we do. I remember I went through a tough time a few years ago around Christmas and tried to spread out who I talked to so I wouldn’t impact their Christmas or make it depressing for them. A few months ago, I apologised to one for putting a dampener on it when that period came up. They were genuinely baffled why I was apologising and said it didn’t even make a dent, but they were there for me whenever I needed. Friends are good like that, let that be the absolute last of your worries! Talk if you need to talk. I’m sure by the sound of things you’ve more than enough credit with everyone in your life to do so.