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Feel broken when it comes to dating

  • 20-07-2020 1:34pm
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    - Background
    I'm a 27 year old male. My issue is that I have very little experience when it comes to dating and find that I have so many thoughts and emotions in my head and I struggle to process them.
    I was a very shy teen when it came to girls (so much so, I was one of the only lads who went to the debs without a date as I didn't know one girl well enough to ask to go with me)
    Anyway, as I got older, I grew more confident and fast forward to now and I have a load of female friends some of whom I am really close with. However, I have done very little dating and any that I have done is with women that I nearly knew before the date that I wouldn't be interested in them long term. Now over the years, I have really liked lots of women, ones that I would have been absolutely buzzing to take out for a date but things have never worked out for me. I was diagnosed with anxiety as a child and then OCD and depression in my late teens so this has definitely hampered me over the years but Im at stage where I refuse to let that hinder me anymore.
    I've never had a girlfriend. I've had plenty of opportunities over the years with women I know that fancied me or through online dating where if I put in more effort I could have worked toward a relationship. However, the reason I didn't take any of those opportunities was because I didn't fancy those women. I'm happy being single and I'm not jumping into a relationship with a woman just because I'm lonely or horny etc. I want to be with someone who I adore.
    I know it probably sounds that I'm a big recluse afraid to look a woman in the eye but quite the opposite. I'm a very energetic, positive individual. I am big into personal development and bettering myself as an overall person. I love working out and exercising, I'm a good looking lad (So I've been told).
    The backstory may not be massively important but I do feel it is relevant to my issues.

    - Issue
    Now my struggle now is with dating. Recently, I was having a bit more luck through online dating and organised a date or two with a few women that I found attractive and enjoyed talking to. However, as I've literally never went on a date with a woman that I actually fancied then I find a lot of thoughts swirling around my head. I'm very aware of the fact that I'm only going to be with one woman (I abhoer cheating so no worries of that)
    I find my mind going back to the women that I've really fancied over the years, some I've asked out, some I haven't and it just leaves me very stressed processing all the feelings and thoughts. Like, I feel like an idiot at times as well because I a woman I don't know that well shouldn't pre-occupy my romantic mind as much as it does. I would be quite active on Instagram and have gotten to know so many great people on it, a lot being women. Some are good friends now, some are women I fancy but we just chat as friends on it and then there are others that I would love to get to know but its not that straightforward to connect with them. It all leaves me a little frustrated in that area. I know people will probably say to get out into the real world to meet people but my location and the current pandemic doesn't make it that easy. Not impossible I know but not that easy. I don't drink and have never enjoyed the nightlife scene for trying to meet women. I'm also not close to any of the major cities where most of the varied social scene seems to be. That's why I think Instagram appeals to me, I can see women that I find really attractive and that have similar interests to me or a personality that I like and I can make my move in a chilled way. However, I know that one of my biggest issues with this is its so hard to judge a connection through an app. It's part of the reason why I find myself with nearly a faux attraction to so many women while also why women are reluctant to agree to a date. Ya just cant judge the real vibe. I'm incredibly lost and confused by it all.

    Just wondering what people's thoughts are here. Thanks.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    To be completely honest with you it sounds like you're being unrealistic.

    To truly adore someone takes time. Face-to-face together time. You say you're looking for someone you adore, and you want to find them on instagram because you think you'll be able to check them out and find out about them, and make your move in a 'chilled way'. There's a few problems I'd see with that:
    - You aren't really getting the real version of a person on instagram. You're not getting a realistic idea of these women.
    - You aren't going to understand a woman's personality based on instagram - you've already identified this problem yourself.
    - The reason approaching a woman on instagram feels more chilled is because it's distant. It's low risk, and impersonal, and it might work, but it's no different to Tinder.
    - Personally I'd need to be with someone for about a year before I'd know if I adored them, so the idea of looking for someone you think you adore is setting the first-impression standard so high that you're really limiting yourself from long-term adoring someone based on their personality/your chemistry together.

    Instagram's great, but I don't think it's going to be an effective way to meet someone. If you're on it a lot, and it's your primary exposure to women at the moment, it's going to be pushing your expectations through the roof. At the very least if you're going to continue using it, try to take it with a serious pinch of salt.

  • Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind

    Stop thinking about it and start going on dates. You're not going to know if you fancy someone or if there's a connection until the face-to-face happens, so no point in going down these rabbit holes. Just have a chat with the women you like the look of, whether it's on the apps or instagram, flirt a bit, ask them if they fancy a socially-distanced walk in the park or coffee, hang out and see what happens.

    So many people come on here with this same issue of meeting someone, what's happened in the past, their 'bad luck' to date, all of that is irrelevant. You're not "broken because you're 27 with little dating experience. You make your own luck with dating and resilience is the name of the game, you'll have to meet quite a few, maybe a lot of women before something clicks. And from the same people you hear the "I'm attractive, in shape, smart, educated" - well if you believe that, get out there and act like you do! People like to be around attractive, confident people. Don't tell us, make sure you believe it yourself and lead with it. You're a catch. Ask out, meet up, see what the buzz is, take it from there. It really is as simple as that.