Not suicidal but feel like the world doesnt want me

LegacyUser

Im not suicidal but I am finding it particularly hard to feel like I have a place in the world today. I had to move home during lockdown. My home life is tough. My parents are both alcoholics and I found it difficult to bite my tongue at times while they ignored restrictions but I got on with it. I did everything they asked and followed all their rules. My mam seems to think everything I do is wrong though and tries to undermine me at every step. For example at first I knew I wouldn’t have as much time to empty the dishwasher as them cus I work and they don’t so I handwashed and dried everything I used. Mam hated this and told me I was washing everything wrong and to put it in the dishwasher so I did. Then the dishwasher broke a few weeks later so back to handwashing. Mam kept complaining that every time I used the tea towels I got them too wet. So I bought tea towels for myself and only used them. I barely talk to them and keep to my room to avoid conflict but every day Mam finds new reasons to find problems with me. She suffers with a mental illness and summer is always one of her worst times. Dad is no help and just rows in behind her for a peaceful life. Even when neighbours were giving out about them ignoring restrictions they didn’t care and it was everyone else’s fault. Shes now convinced herself shes going back to work and needs to build an office to work from home. In my room. Meaning I have to go.

I’ve been looking for places and obviously doing something right cus I’ve been getting a few viewings. 3 this week alone. But the theme I’m noticing is that for whatever reason the viewings I get seem to be in houses that mainly have women and I’m a straight man and I think that puts them off which is fair enough as I’m a stranger but they did ask for men or women in their ads. I’ve even applied for low end crappy 1 bedroom and studios that I can afford but haven’t got responses to view them. So I’m relying on shared accoms and haven’t got offered a place yet. All I can do is keep viewing but it’s like even though I’m viewing or applying every spare moment I get because I haven’t got somewhere my parents think I’m doing nothing about it and keep piling on pressure. I don’t think they’d see me go homeless but I genuinely don’t have anywhere else to go after this and they aren’t relenting.

I’m seeing a counsellor and dealing with a lot of the neglect that came from growing up in this environment. I’ve decided to take a big step back from the family once I move and have a game plan sorted. I’m very open to taking advice and accepting where I’m wrong and encourage my counsellor to challenge me and they do. But even then it comes back to just the simple fact my parents are abusive alcoholics not dealing with their issues and putting their negativity into me is how they cope so there’s nothing more that I can do when I do everything they say and they still find reasons to hate me.

I felt good about this because I had started seeing someone during lockdown and dating as restrictions eased and it was looking like it was blossoming into a relationship. It was really healthy and chilled and different from other situations I’d been in because I’ve learned a lot about that stuff through counselling. We’d even spoke about this stuff and had a lot in common there so I felt supported and hopeful once this got sorted I might have a nice new life, new home and someone who understood. But then just today after we had what I thought was a really nice night together where even just last night they brought up and started making plans for trips we’d go on and so forth they just did a big U-turn and said they weren’t feeling it so that’s it. Normally I’d be fine and not let it hit me but with everything else it’s a bit of a hammer blow.

It just feels like no matter what I do the world doesn’t want me. My own parents don’t want me in my family home even when I do everything they ask and just keep to myself. I apply for new places and have these nice viewings and they come back with nice messages but still negative to the point I’m so discouraged even to try but I don’t have the time to breathe. Even when I’ve got something nice in dating someone that’s distracting me from the rest and keeping me positive even that ends out of the blue. I think I’m doing well to keep positive but today alone I’ve had blows on all 3 fronts and it’s just left me floored and emotionally exhausted and wondering why I bother when I’m trying to do the right thing by everyone. I’m so open to taking responsibility and changing if it’ll help and even look for feedback off people and my therapist and everyone speaks about how sound I am and all this but it’s not paying off. I don’t want to have a victims mentality. I won’t tomorrow. I could really use just one win though.

marizpan

This will pass.

You are suffering the legacy of two very unsupportive/dysfunctional parents unfortunately. And stepping away from that is a massive and necessary task that you have started with counselling and moving out.

You will find suitable accommodation given time. And once you do the distance and relief from your parents stress will be worth every bit of the struggle you face now.
All we can do is move one step forward at a time and you are doing that!
Where you are now is a lonely place, we all need love and support and you aren’t getting that at the moment.
Be kind to yourself
Hugs

cannotlogin

In my experience, alcoholics have limited capacity to see the world clearly and blame everyone else for their issues. A lot of what they say is nonsense unfortunately.

The tea towels are too wet being a fine example If ever there was one. You can't try dishes without getting the tea towel wet. You know that's pure lunacy and no reflection on you, neither is them wanting to move out....more likely you are just interrupting their drinking and they have to curtail it somewhat when you are around.

It's not about you because alcoholics think more of themselves than others anyway.

Relationships, especially given online/tinder etc & searching for accommodation are head wrecking at the best of times. Both issues probably wouldn't seem as big if everything else was ok.

Try not to take it personally even though it's hard not too. Rejections re accommodation are never personal, they can't be, they don't know enough about you. An alcoholics opinion is deeply flawed and in modern dating people are flakely.

You seem to be doing everything else right, the counselling seems to be working. It's just ****e today. The accommodation search will throw up something eventually, there are a lot of people moving home atvyhe moment.