Unlucky in dating

LegacyUser

Ive had bad luck with relationships and after a failed long term relationship, consistent dating failures with time wasters, men only looking for one thing, an abusive relationship, 1 potential abusive relationship in which I left after he showed his true colours, at around 28 I gave up on dating completely, I talked myself into accepting a single life and became comfortable with the decision.
I went to counselling for anxiety and the counsellor kept bringing it up that I was single and that I should try and meet someone. I explained that I had been trying for years but every attempt was a failure and dating and relationships left me feeling depressed and frustrated due to so many consistent failed attempts at meeting someone.

I didnt want to talk about it but she felt it was important and told me that if I put myself out there I'll meet someone, she made it sound so easy and put the idea in my head that I should try and find a relationship. So for the last few years that's what ive done, ive joined the dating apps and ive tried to meet people but why it is soul destroying. Maybe im just unlucky but I consistently meet people who are selfish, time wasters and get a kick out leading people on.
The men who are genuinely interested in a relationship with me have been narcissistic, emotionally immature and abusive if given the opportunity.
I dont think im expecting too much, I would just like to meet someone who is mature, kind, respectful and wants an equal partnership.

I would consider myself to be kind, open minded and trustworthy, im in my 30's but take good care of myself, I go to the gym, eat healthy, often get told I look younger than I am and regularly get compliments on my appearance.
Im educated and id consider myself to be independent although im working hard to improve on many areas of my life, im far from perfect but enjoy self improving and setting goals to work towards. I am working on being more assertive, I am working on trying to get a career, Im not the most social person, I have a few very close friends and I am close to my family. I have hobbies and interests, I love cooking, animals, art, books and music, im not the most exciting person, I wouldn't be extremely well travelled or talented or skilled but I do like adventure and can be spontaneous.

Im just feeling so deflated and again feel like giving up on dating and meeting anyone, when I initially gave up on the idea and accepted it, I was happy and felt positive for my future but since considering meeting someone, wanting to have a partner and dating, I went from feeling excited and going with the flow to having a bit of a guard up to feeling totally fed up and depressed.
Dating, in my experience has rarely ever been fun, in my experience the men I come in contact with are only interested in getting what they want. Ive felt used, judged, compared to other women and my confidence is getting destroyed all over again from dating.

Should I just give up and stop trying? The more I try the more fed up I become but also dont want to be alone for ever.

KiKi III

I could have written a lot of that myself.

I don’t have the answer, but I think you should take a break from dating for a while if it’s mainly stressing you out.

There’s an episode of the podcast Modern Love called “Sometimes it’s not you, or the math” I found very enjoyable and comforting so check that out if you get the chance.

I’m also listening to the audio book of The Body Keeps the Score. It goes into great detail on how early attachment patterns effect us as adults and I’m learning a lot from it.

LegacyUser

I'm pretty sure a counsellor shouldn't be telling you to meet someone. That isn't the key to your happiness. I would change counsellor if I were you, there are some right idiots out there.

bitofabind

Is this something you could bring up and tease out with your therapist?

What I’m learning is it’s really important to date from a place of contentment and abundance, as opposed to fear and desperation. For me it’s about accepting that I may well be on my own for a while or indefinitely, and to build up a pretty happy life on my own. Hobbies, good friends, an active social life, staying fit and feeling good about yourself. Then you’re less susceptible to the clowns and time-wasters and are more likely to see right through them.

On the abundance - many women our age can feel like it’s a last chance saloon situation when you do meet someone half reasonable and then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of getting too emotionally invested and putting the cart before the horse and of course that’s a bit off putting to most people so it doesn’t work out. That idea is again a bs notion that society throws at us and there’s plenty of great lads out there that could be a wonderful partner for you. Whether you’ll meet them on a dating app is another thing, as they tend to be more like shopping apps for a lot of people. Can you expand your avenues and think about other ways of meeting lads? Group fitness classes, through friends, through meet-up or maybe one of the paying online dating avenues?

What has helped me with OD is managing my expectations. Most guys are gonna be “nice but nothing there” so I told myself it was a playful exercise in getting to know more people and screening out the red flag guys early on EG flaky, not communicative, hot and cold, making me feel like it was a contest against other women and I was a goner, ain’t nobody got time for that and life’s busy enough without entertaining that bs. Treating it like a numbers game and screening out guys who I wasn’t compatible with early on helped me a lot previously. When your happiness doesn’t rest on meeting someone you tend to have 1. A more relaxed demeanour and 2. Stronger boundaries and the stress of it all can dissipate.

ILoveYourVibes

I would say ....stop for now.

Bit of a bind is correct. With the red flagy thing.


Also dating doesn't mean you just date random men or anyone who asks you ...i mean ....they have to be special and worthy.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you very much for the replies, I have taken them on board. @Kiki thanks for those recommendations they sound very insightful.

One thing I wanted to add as maybe it wasnt clear in my post, I am aware of red flags, I dont date or get into relationships with men who are anything like ive mentioned its just they seem to be the 'only' men that I have come into contact with.

Also want to add that im by no means desperate or come across that way, if I wanted a relationship for the sake of one id already be in one, I would rather be single than be in the wrong relationship and also, I havnt really been on that many dates, I talk to these men first we exchange numbers but rarely make it to actually meeting them due to the red flags that I mentioned.

One of the few good things to come from my previous relationship experiences from when I was much younger is that I am now very intune with my feelings and I know when my boundaries are being crossed.

Regardless I would like a relationship but only with someone who has the traits I mentioned such as respectful, kind and mature. I am having alot difficulty finding anyone like this, Im in my 30's now and have been dating since my late teens.

On one hand I feel like, if I express I want a relationship and feel drained from putting myself out there people think im desperate and will jump into anything for the sake of not being single.
If I express that I am happy being single I am questioned about it and told I will be alone forever unless I put myself out there and try to find a relationship.

I know what I want and im confident enough to express my feelings, wants and needs, I would consider myself to be aware of my own boundaries and other peoples.

The problem I suppose is that I cant seem to meet anyone nice who like me back and not just recently but always, its always been like this.

Daisy78

I’m not sure why your therapist was pushing for you to meet someone, it seems odd given that you hadn’t expressed a desire to go back to dating? Are you still seeing that therapist, if so have they any insight into what might be going wrong for you. Dating is difficult these days in lots of ways, I’m guessing that your therapist is coupled up, perhaps long before the advent of dating apps and probably not aware of how demoralising modern dating can be. Perhaps the apps are not the right route for you, usually no harm in using them as another option but if you feel your mental health is affected then perhaps best to park them for the time being. As one of the other posters mentioned, perhaps try to broaden your horizons a bit more, there are other ways to meet men than dating apps and in a bar, which can be a waste of time also. Getting to know someone through hobbies, volunteering, etc might be the way to go?

Esse85

The first word in the title of your thread sends red flags to me.

We can all be 'unlucky' a couple of times.

Your story sounds like it's not down to luck that you repeatedly find yourself in these situations.

Sounds like you are the issue here, you are the common denominator here, you are blaming everyone else but blind to looking at what your doing to attract these people into your life.

bitofabind

Dating123 wrote: »

On one hand I feel like, if I express I want a relationship and feel drained from putting myself out there people think im desperate and will jump into anything for the sake of not being single.
If I express that I am happy being single I am questioned about it and told I will be alone forever unless I put myself out there and try to find a relationship.

This is mind-reading though. You don't know what other people are thinking and more importantly it doesn't matter. What matters is what you want, and caring about how others respond to you clearly isn't working for you. If a lad is gonna do a runner because you express that you're interested in finding a relationship, great - you've effectively screened out someone that was going to waste your time anyway.

I'm very happily single but also know I'd be even happier in a relationship with the right person. I also don't do casual setups, ONS or hookups, been there done that it does nothing for me. I don't broadcast either of those things to anyone unless they ask, and then I'll say it just like that.

Dating123 wrote: »

The problem I suppose is that I cant seem to meet anyone nice who like me back and not just recently but always, its always been like this.

It's worth interrogating this a bit more. The common denominator here is you. I used to feel this way, and then I realised I had a tendency to go for men that were emotionally unavailable because it's sort of what I've always known. You know the type, good-looking, successful, chases me and then ends up disappearing.

I've done a lot of therapy recently and also held off on dating and by looking at my choice of dates since I've been single I've noticed all the guys had these things in common. Physically unavailable in some way: lived abroad (met through work), recently divorced/separated with family/financial commitments, came on strong, said all the right things, ended up going cold. My brain associated dating with that adrenaline rush of "is he isn't he" and by going for guys that were never going to commit, I in turn didn't have to commit to anything and got to have all these negative beliefs about myself / dating / men confirmed when it ended the way it always ends.

The thing you're forgetting is you've had a longterm relationship, so this belief about men / dating isn't true. At one point it did work out, until it didn't. Focus on that, and less on the incompatible guys you're meeting, and have an honest look at your life to see if there's other avenues to explore beyond OD because honestly, the apps are a crapshoot most of the time.

lainey_d_123

Esse85 wrote: »

The first word in the title of your thread sends red flags to me.

We can all be 'unlucky' a couple of times.

Your story sounds like it's not down to luck that you repeatedly find yourself in these situations.

Sounds like you are the issue here, you are the common denominator here, you are blaming everyone else but blind to looking at what your doing to attract these people into your life.

Yes and no , tbh.

As bitofabind said, people definitely do fall into patterns of being drawn into relationships with unavailable partners, but in all honesty, the dating scene is just awful. It's absolutely full of headwreckers, players and people who are downright abusive. And in my experience, it just gets worse as you get into your thirties. Most likely because a large proportion of people who are still single at that age are people who have resisted commitment and simply do not want to settle down. They often say all the right things to get people invested, because being honest about looking for just a hookup or a friend with benefits isn't going to net great results. So they act like they want a serious relationship at the beginning and then go cold a few months later after they've gotten what they wanted.

It's easy for people who were fortunate enough to settle into long term relationships in their twenties to blame people like OP for picking badly, but honestly, a lot of this IS just luck. The proportion of people dating, especially on the apps, who would actually make good partners and want a long term relationship/life partner is relatively small. The chances of them being compatible with you even smaller again.

I don't really see that OP is doing anything wrong. Sounds like she's happier when not dating and is being pushed into it because that's what you're 'supposed' to do. I've been so much happier in lockdown because of not dating. I've had so much time to do the things I love, learn new skills, get fitter. I have so much more headspace to think about what I want and where I'm going now that I'm not wasting energy on conversations that go nowhere on apps, or explaining to some man why begging me for nude photos is disrespectful. Is being single really so bad?

Esse85

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yes and no , tbh.

As bitofabind said, people definitely do fall into patterns of being drawn into relationships with unavailable partners, but in all honesty, the dating scene is just awful. It's absolutely full of headwreckers, players and people who are downright abusive. And in my experience, it just gets worse as you get into your thirties. Most likely because a large proportion of people who are still single at that age are people who have resisted commitment and simply do not want to settle down. They often say all the right things to get people invested, because being honest about looking for just a hookup or a friend with benefits isn't going to net great results. So they act like they want a serious relationship at the beginning and then go cold a few months later after they've gotten what they wanted.

It's easy for people who were fortunate enough to settle into long term relationships in their twenties to blame people like OP for picking badly, but honestly, a lot of this IS just luck. The proportion of people dating, especially on the apps, who would actually make good partners and want a long term relationship/life partner is relatively small. The chances of them being compatible with you even smaller again.

I don't really see that OP is doing anything wrong. Sounds like she's happier when not dating and is being pushed into it because that's what you're 'supposed' to do. I've been so much happier in lockdown because of not dating. I've had so much time to do the things I love, learn new skills, get fitter. I have so much more headspace to think about what I want and where I'm going now that I'm not wasting energy on conversations that go nowhere on apps, or explaining to some man why begging me for nude photos is disrespectful. Is being single really so bad?

Your post is a little negative, it's clear you haven't been successful yet in dating. "It's absolutely full of headwreckers, players and people who are downright abusive."

Sur no wonder you have no success on there when this is your attitude. Your full of stories and BS. It's clear you've had bad experienceas and your carrying them forward.

You mention "easy" and "fortunate enough" and for people to "settle". Perhaps they have less issues going on and they can attract and process a decent partner.

Not so much you, but this victim like mentality that the OP wrote will not serve her, she's an adult and needed to take responsibility and own her actions instead of playing the poor me give me some pity card, that won't get a person anywhere.

I'm glad your happier with lots of self care in place, there is lots of pressure to be in this happy relationship we're all expected to be in, as it seems everyone around us is getting married/having kids etc but to find a partner, you need to have your own house in order first to have any chance with a relationship, and having issues/mental baggage from the past and carrying that into the future into a new relationship will not end well. Relationships aren't for everyone, doing what makes you happy is the better goal, not chasing what society suggests.

And if you have to explain to men why asking for nude photos is disrespectful, your clearly spending too much time on these apps.

Many guys go cold too after they find out the girl isn't all she's cracked up to be, they realise they couldn't introduce this girl to his friends/family as she's got too many unresolved issues, she covered these up initially but the real person is appearing after a few months and the guy wants out.

Snow_White1987

Jesus, some of these replies are so depressing - people are so judgmental here, it’s really awful.

Be kind to each other please.

The fact is successful dating comes down to numbers and a lot of luck. You have to go through many unsuitable people to find a gem - and they do exist. But it takes time, effort and is about broadening your horizons outside of those apps.

I also completely disagree that those in their thirties dating have just “avoided commitment” as someone rather stupidly said. I’m in my thirties and very much want a committed relationship, I just haven’t found the right match yet!

There’s plenty of legitimate reasons you can be single at any stage in life - to think that everyone just meets in their twenties and magically settles down is extremely naive - in fact, it’s why some can find themselves single in their thirties as they’ve changed into different people. We know people are setting down and having children later in life as it is these days anyhow.

And some could just be unlucky in love and don’t what to settle. You’ve your life ahead of you in your thirties so sticking people with a “you’re past it, don’t even try” label as some comments suggest is beyond ridiculous.

Daisy78

Esse85 wrote: »

The first word in the title of your thread sends red flags to me.

We can all be 'unlucky' a couple of times.

Your story sounds like it's not down to luck that you repeatedly find yourself in these situations.

Sounds like you are the issue here, you are the common denominator here, you are blaming everyone else but blind to looking at what your doing to attract these people into your life.

That might be a little unfair Esse, maybe some people who remain single long term have issues but not everyone! I was single for about 7 years, granted for part of that time I probably wasn’t looking to meet someone but then when I was more open to it, it didn’t happen either. And I’m a perfectly normal, down to earth individual if I do say so myself. Obviously most of the posters here are female so their advice is in the context of being a woman in the modern dating world. I’m sure there are plenty of blokes out there too who would have the same complaint.

The paradox of choice feeds into this too, you have a generation of men and women, the “I’m worth it generation” who think they are entitled to the “best” as they see it and have no problem holding out for something “better”, a better looking woman, with better qualifications, a better job, better in bed, better travelled, the list goes on. We don’t tolerate mediocrity anymore, or at least what we consider to be mediocrity. I think previous generations were more open to meeting regular people, you dated and got to know and like someone in spite of their flaws, or at least their perceived shortcomings. In 2020 we just won’t settle for that anymore. I do think online dating can be a useful way to meet people you wouldn’t normally encounter but it certainly provides a platform for the non commital picky types.

Op I definitely think you should take a break from dating or even thinking about dating for a long while. I think the experiences you have had to date is impacting your day to day life more than it should. It sounds like you have enough going on in your life not to let this become your sole focus. Or at least give yourself a break from it with a time limit, should you feel more positive enough to return to dating in the future?

Snow_White1987

Daisy78 wrote: »

That might be a little unfair Esse, maybe some people who remain single long term have issues but not everyone! I was single for about 7 years, granted for part of that time I probably want looking to meet someone but then when I was more open to it, it didn’t happen either. And I’m a perfectly normal, down to earth individual if I do say so myself. Obviously most of the posters here are female so their advice is in the context of being a woman in the modern dating world. I’m sure there are plenty of blokes out there too who would have the same complaint.

The paradox of choice feeds into this too, you have a generation of men and women, the “I’m worth it generation” who think they are entitled to the “best” as they see it and have no problem holding out for something “better”, a better looking woman, with better qualifications, a better job, better in bed, better travelled, the list goes on. We don’t tolerate mediocrity anymore, or at least what we consider to be mediocrity. I think previous generations were more open to meeting regular people, you dated and got to know and like someone in spite of their flaws, or at least their perceived shortcomings. In 2020 we just won’t settle for that anymore. I do think online dating can be a useful way to people you wouldn’t normally encounter but it certainly provides a platform for the non commital picky types.

Op I definitely think you should take a break from dating or even thinking about dating for a long while. I think the experiences you have had to date is impacting your day to day life more than it should. It sounds like you have enough going on in your life not to let this become your sole focus. Or at least give yourself a break from it with a time limit, should you feel more positive enough to return to dating in the future?

I fully agree with your comments on long-term single people too – some may have issues but many don't!

It seems to be the same tired stereotype for single people in 2020 in parts of this thread; if you don't hop from one relationship to the next there's something wrong.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

The bickering and general discussion stops here. The OP's issue has got completely lost in the back and forth walls of slagging. It's not on.

I have deleted several posts because they did not have any advice for the OP. Please address your replies to the OP and have constructive advice when you post.

clank :o)

Hello OP,

following the thread with genuine interest (hopefully the mod will allow this post, I’ve tried to stick to the forum guidelines I think) for people in similar situations there is a podcast by Neil Sattin called Relationship Alive who interviewed a person called Logan Uri specifically about dating issues very recently should be easy enough to find by searching for it, I found it really helpful and informative

Best if Luck with everything!

JasonStatham

Don't give up on dating. Hmmm, maybe try meeting someone through those hobbies you mentioned (maybe a book club or salsa lessons or meetup or something). Maybe if you go at it from a different angle, you'll find decent bloke. All the best.