Should I confront him about being on a dating app?

LegacyUser

I'll try to keep this as brief as I can. I've been dating a guy for 4 months now. We've been on about 10 dates, but about half of those were video dates because of Covid.

Things seem to be going well. I really like him and he seems to really like me as well. He messages me a lot, we have the same interests and he always makes the effort of coming to see me as he lives 2 hours away. In fact he insists on coming to see me, maybe because he is in between homes and living with his parents at the moment.

We met up last weekend and everything was great and he was his usual self. Later on that night he messaged me to say he had a great time and that the next time we meet he would introduce me to his friends. Sounds positive, right?

He then goes silent on me for 4 days. I was waiting for him to message me because I had a busy few days so wasn't in much of a mood of starting a conversation, plus I had messaged him first the past few times so thought he would reach out anyways... but he didn't. I had no reason to suspect something was wrong between us, but I get paranoid from time to time so I decided to reinstall some dating apps to check if he was on them. Always a bad idea, I know.

So it turned out he was on one of them. His profile said that he was a new member and had the dating status as looking for "nothing serious" and had the profile tagline saying "just having a look". What worried me the most was the "nothing serious" because in my eyes that implies sex.

I didn't say anything about seeing him on the app (he wouldn't have seen me because I had no photo), but I did mention to him that he was quiet this week and wasn't sure how interested he was in something serious. I mentioned some other small behaviours he's been showing like always waiting for me to ask to meet up (but he always enthusiastically agrees) and that he never initiates any intimacy (but once I do he never pulls away so it may be nervousness that he never makes the first move).

He was noticeably upset when I said this to him. He thought things were going really well (which they were for the most part up until I saw him on the app) and was very sorry about not being more expressive about his interest in something serious. As soon as I had this conversation with him I noticed he deleted his dating profile. Maybe it was a wake-up call for him. He did say that he wasn't feeling himself this week and I figure installing the app might have been a momentary lapse because he was feeling down and we weren't chatting for 4 days.

We only met 5 times in person, but 3 weeks ago we had said we were both off all dating apps and weren't seeing anyone else. We never used the phrase "exclusive", but in my mind I kind of thought that's what it meant. I have a slight fear of commitment so using the word "exclusive" would have been a bit of a step for me!

I have no doubt that he really likes me so this is really puzzling to me .Most of the things I questioned him about I could put down to his inexperience in relationships (he's never been in a serious one). I know he's very active on social media and likes to post very regular updates. The best outcome I can think of is that he wanted more of that attention, and he only had the app installed for less than 24 hours, but I don't want to be making excuses for him either.

Should I be worried that I saw him for that brief moment on the app? Should I confront him about it?

I'm a gay guy by the way so I don't know if that changes your perspective after reading all of the above!

wiggle16

Dont know what app youre using but he may simply have gone onto it to read your old initial messages? I've done that. Or maybe he did go looking for a hook up, which i would say is alright if yous weren't exclusive at the time.

I'd put more stock in the fact that he deleted it after you talked to him, without knowing you knew about it. That sounds like he's decided he's serious about you now.

I wouldnt bring it up because you're on a hiding to nothing, he will just call the kettle black and in all likelihood will run a mile knowing you went onto a dating app to see if he was on it when you didnt hear from him for a few days.

I'll be honest, you sound a little intense and I would chillax a bit or you are going to scare him off!

KiKi III

Reading through that reminded me of reading the book Normal People. Imagine how many misunderstandings Conall and Maryanne could have avoided if they just had a few more direct conversations about where they were (emotionally).

Either let it go completely or have an open and honest conversation, what you definitely shouldn’t do is spent the next week or three overthinking and overanalysing it.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

Dont know what app youre using but he may simply have gone onto it to read your old initial messages? I've done that. Or maybe he did go looking for a hook up, which i would say is alright if yous weren't exclusive at the time.

It wasn't the same app we met on so it wasn't the former.

We did talk about having deleted our dating apps and said we were both not seeing anyone else, so I thought that implied exclusivity, but maybe that's too grey without saying the word "exclusive"?

After our chat during the week he said he was going to ask to be exclusive but got nervous the last time we met and didn't say anything. If that was true, then why would he have gone on a dating app a few days later? Doesn't instil too much confidence in me.

wiggle16 wrote: »

I'd put more stock in the fact that he deleted it after you talked to him, without knowing you knew about it. That sounds like he's decided he's serious about you now.

Yeah, I thought that too. Maybe he had regrets installing it after we spoke.

wiggle16 wrote: »

I wouldnt bring it up because you're on a hiding to nothing, he will just call the kettle black and in all likelihood will run a mile knowing you went onto a dating app to see if he was on it when you didnt hear from him for a few days.

I can see what you're saying, but my suspicions weren't unfounded. I mean I did have my doubts beforehand as to how serious he was about dating and then the silence from him rang some alarm bells because he has never even gone more than one day without messaging since we first spoke.

wiggle16 wrote: »

I'll be honest, you sound a little intense and I would chillax a bit or you are going to scare him off!

Maybe I am, I don't know. I got stung like this before with an old ex and was worried it is going to happen to me again. I'm also old-fashioned in that I think you should only be seeing one person at any one time, but I know acceptance of that has changed over time.

I guess I'm worried that this will always be in the back of my mind if I never talk to him about it.

KiKi III wrote: »

Reading through that reminded me of reading the book Normal People. Imagine how many misunderstandings Conall and Maryanne could have avoided if they just had a few more direct conversations about where they were (emotionally).

Either let it go completely or have an open and honest conversation, what you definitely shouldn’t do is spent the next week or three overthinking and overanalysing it.

That is so true and comes back to my last comment. I tend to overthink things and would just prefer to get it out in the open so that my mind doesn't create its own narrative. The last time we spoke he did say that he would rather I said what I was feeling straight away instead of waiting.

LLMMLL

I think a big issue here is that he is a non-initiator. You start all your conversations and if you stop for four days you won't hear a peep from him. This can be infuriating to deal with as it can lead to the initiator feeling like they're hassling someone who's not all that interested.

Personally I believe that the non-initiator is usually interested but for whatever reason they have a major block about being the first to get in contact.

It's possible that he waits for you to initiate and after 4 days he thought you had lost interest and went back on the apps.

So it all depends on whether you are willing to always be the one to make contact and arrange things. If not then you have to communicate to him that you would like him to initiate contact at least part of the time. And after all that he may be unable to change and you'll have to decide if it's worth putting up with.

LegacyUser

I confronted him about it as I saw that he recreated another profile after he deleted his old one.

He completely denied that it was him and claimed it was a fake profile. I know this does happen from time to time, but I'm 95% sure it was really him based on location, pictures used (only he could have had them) and other things which I'd rather not get into.

I felt that I had no choice but to end things. Not because he was on the dating app, but because he didn't admit to it. I actually was willing to work things out and discuss exclusivity, and I said this to him, but he still maintained it wasn't him. Sure there is a very slim chance he was telling the truth, but I felt I couldn't really take the chance of staying with him.

I feel like I've made a rash decision because things were going so well otherwise and we both cared for each other. He was talking about becoming official and meeting his friends and family and now I've thrown it all away.

Is there any way of fixing this?

wiggle16

<deleted, misread the first sentence of the post>

wiggle16

datingisnotsofun wrote: »

I confronted him about it as I saw that he recreated another profile after he deleted his old one.

Sorry, I think I didn't read this sentence properly the first time. So he's had two profiles now? Meaning you also made another profile to see if he was using it again...

Look, I don't know what to make of him really, he lied to you and to me that's reason enough to call time on this situation. I understand where you were coming from, and I think he was blowing hot and cold which isn't a good sign, but I stand by what I've said otherwise, you sound very intense.

I'm sorry this happened to you, it's not nice, but you need to think about what's acceptable to you and what isn't before you bring it up with someone. I would chalk it up to experience and move on.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

Sorry, I think I didn't read this sentence properly the first time. So he's had two profiles now? Meaning you also made another profile to see if he was using it again...

He created one last week, then deleted it. Created another one a few days later. I only had the one profile.

wiggle16 wrote: »

Look, I don't know what to make of him really, he lied to you and to me that's reason enough to call time on this situation. I understand where you were coming from, and I think he was blowing hot and cold which isn't a good sign, but I stand by what I've said otherwise, you sound very intense.

How should I have handled things differently? Genuine question because I thought I handled it as best I could. I held back on raising the dating app issue and let him figure out what he wanted. I wasn't pushing him for anything.

Maybe you mean checking the app in the first place. I admit, it's not my finest moment, but would it have been better to have the suspicions in the back of my mind while he's browsing away on the app?

tara73

I think you did the right thing. You 'forgave' him the first time now he did it a second time and is denying it's him but you are almost 100% sure it is him.

That's it, your gut feeling is right here. How can you be relaxed with him when you've always this lingering feeling he might be looking for somebody else on dating apps. No base for a trustful relationship and I gather that's what you're looking for.

leggo

katzenjammers wrote: »

How should I have handled things differently? Genuine question because I thought I handled it as best I could. I held back on raising the dating app issue and let him figure out what he wanted. I wasn't pushing him for anything.

Maybe you mean checking the app in the first place. I admit, it's not my finest moment, but would it have been better to have the suspicions in the back of my mind while he's browsing away on the app?

I hear what wiggle is saying, and also see your point and don’t know how you could’ve handled it better. I think the middle ground here is that both sides are the case and you weren’t suited regardless of what’s actually true. His behaviour rings massive alarm bells and you seem the type whose mind is going to wander into overthinking and worst case scenario. Those two things combined are a recipe for disaster and one is only going to bleed into the other. This ending is probably for the best and, as far as you’re concerned, look for someone in the future who makes you feel more secure than this chap.

wiggle16

I didn't realise you'd replied OP, apologies.

What i mean is that you saw something you didn't like, you confronted him about it and then you broke things off with him and now you're wondering if you can fix it, or you were wondering, rather.

So it would beg the question over whether this issue is actually/was a dealbreaker for you in the first place. You confronted him over it, he lied, you broke it off with him, but then it seems that you regretted that decision and my point is that it is wise to decide what's acceptable to you before acting on it - looking before you leap, basically.

I think you did the right thing and you're better off, this would have niggled at you, and he definitely lied about it which isn't on. People do panic, but he should have been straight out with you.

What I meant about you being intense is that this situation had your mind racing, that's clear from your posts, and you decided to ask him about it before deciding for yourself what an acceptable answer would be, and it seems then that you regretted your own reaction to what he said. That you hadn't thought it through.

My point is much of a muchness, re-reading my own posts now I should have been clearer that what it boils down to is look before you leap. I wouldn't have done differently to you, but you seemed to have regretted what you did after the fact and my advice is to take a minute to decide what you're okay with before you ask hard questions.

Purple Mountain

Something in your gut told you to go check up on him the first time.
If him still being on the sites was the furthest thing from you mind, it would never have come into your head to spy on the site for him..
So trust your gut.

datingisnotfun

OP here. I decided to create an account.

leggo wrote: »

His behaviour rings massive alarm bells and you seem the type whose mind is going to wander into overthinking and worst case scenario. Those two things combined are a recipe for disaster and one is only going to bleed into the other. This ending is probably for the best and, as far as you’re concerned, look for someone in the future who makes you feel more secure than this chap.

You may be right, but it felt like this guy was the perfect fit for me. Now it's all gone down the drain because I went snooping.

wiggle16 wrote: »

I didn't realise you'd replied OP, apologies.

Sorry, I didn't use the same username in my reply.

wiggle16 wrote: »

What i mean is that you saw something you didn't like, you confronted him about it and then you broke things off with him and now you're wondering if you can fix it, or you were wondering, rather.

So it would beg the question over whether this issue is actually/was a dealbreaker for you in the first place. You confronted him over it, he lied, you broke it off with him, but then it seems that you regretted that decision and my point is that it is wise to decide what's acceptable to you before acting on it - looking before you leap, basically.

The issue of lying was a dealbreaker. I wasn't expecting him to lie when I raised the issue with him, so my reaction was spur of the moment.

wiggle16 wrote: »

I think you did the right thing and you're better off, this would have niggled at you, and he definitely lied about it which isn't on. People do panic, but he should have been straight out with you.

Since this happened, he still hasn't admitted that it was him which really makes this harder. I thought he might realise that there's no point in lying after I had broken up with him and that the truth might fix things.

wiggle16 wrote: »

What I meant about you being intense is that this situation had your mind racing, that's clear from your posts, and you decided to ask him about it before deciding for yourself what an acceptable answer would be, and it seems then that you regretted your own reaction to what he said. That you hadn't thought it through.

My point is much of a muchness, re-reading my own posts now I should have been clearer that what it boils down to is look before you leap. I wouldn't have done differently to you, but you seemed to have regretted what you did after the fact and my advice is to take a minute to decide what you're okay with before you ask hard questions.

As above, I was surprised by his answer and that's why I broke it off. I won't regret breaking up if he maintains the lie.

What possible reason could he have to keep up the lie? He knows that if he doesn't admit it, things will never work out for us. At least if he comes clean, there's a chance to talk about it. He seems so stubborn about it. Could it be that if he admits it that he sees it as some sort of personal failing? Or maybe he thinks I'll eventually believe it and there will be a chance. I can't see the logic at all.

Maybe I need to make it clear that if he doesn't admit to it, there's no chance for us and we will never speak again. It may sound dramatic, but I can't be dealing with what-ifs. I will be so disappointed if it ends this way.

leggo

datingisnotfun wrote: »

You may be right, but it felt like this guy was the perfect fit for me. Now it's all gone down the drain because I went snooping.

This is buyer's remorse: when you make a decision then immediately regret it because it wasn't a decision you were necessarily planning to make. But your instinct sounds dead on.

You're now experiencing the natural doubt that comes with finishing with someone you liked , when you start to miss them and get those occasional low moments where it'd be so handy if you could just go back to how it was. Again all of this is natural and to be expected. But you're right: he lied to you. It's not sustainable if lies are going to be introduced. And tbh it sounds like you're ready to take him back with open arms if he just admits it, but even then I think that would be a mistake. What message are you sending then? "It's okay to lie to me if you just admit it eventually when I catch you."

You say he's a perfect fit, is constantly second-guessing and having to look out for lies the 'perfect' way you want to live your life?

wiggle16

datingisnotfun wrote: »

The issue of lying was a dealbreaker. I wasn't expecting him to lie when I raised the issue with him, so my reaction was spur of the moment.

What possible reason could he have to keep up the lie? He knows that if he doesn't admit it, things will never work out for us. At least if he comes clean, there's a chance to talk about it. He seems so stubborn about it. Could it be that if he admits it that he sees it as some sort of personal failing? Or maybe he thinks I'll eventually believe it and there will be a chance. I can't see the logic at all.

Maybe I need to make it clear that if he doesn't admit to it, there's no chance for us and we will never speak again. It may sound dramatic, but I can't be dealing with what-ifs. I will be so disappointed if it ends this way.

I wasn't referring to the lie as a dealbreaker. I was referring to his making the account in the first place and that you didn't seem to have made up your mind about it when you asked him about it. It's academic now anyway.

You're on a hiding to nothing though. It's only been four months. I don't think you need to make anything clear to him, I think you should chalk it up to experience and move on. I can't see him saying "okay yeah I lied". He lied and now he's sticking to it - people do not tend to admit to a lie unless they think they're about to be caught out in it and since this is such a ridiculous lie it's unfalsifiable. To admit to it would be saying "I'm sorry, I just thought you might be stupid enough to believe it". Because it's a ridiculous lie, probably said in panic.

He's done the damage now, I would call time on it. I know it's very disappointing, but you've only met him a few times in four months, yous were only starting out and this isn't a good start.

datingisnotfun

wiggle16 wrote: »

I wasn't referring to the lie as a dealbreaker. I was referring to his making the account in the first place and that you didn't seem to have made up your mind about it when you asked him about it. It's academic now anyway.

You're on a hiding to nothing though. It's only been four months. I don't think you need to make anything clear to him, I think you should chalk it up to experience and move on. I can't see him saying "okay yeah I lied". He lied and now he's sticking to it - people do not tend to admit to a lie unless they think they're about to be caught out in it and since this is such a ridiculous lie it's unfalsifiable. To admit to it would be saying "I'm sorry, I just thought you might be stupid enough to believe it". Because it's a ridiculous lie, probably said in panic.

He's done the damage now, I would call time on it. I know it's very disappointing, but you've only met him a few times in four months, yous were only starting out and this isn't a good start.

Everything you're saying is right. I think in my own mind I thought everything was perfect and that if we could just get over this issue we'll be back to normal. I know that will never be the case. He messed this up and I think he knows it but is too strong willed to admit it.

There is that 5% chance that he is telling the truth, but unless there's some irrefutable evidence that it wasn't him, I just can't take that risk and it would be in the back of my mind for all the time dating him.

Basically I lose either way.

wiggle16

It would be in the back of your mind for sure. Like it's too early on for it to be this much work. It's his loss, if he really likes you then he shouldn't have made another dating app and should have been straight out with you when you asked him about it. He's lied and doesn't want to lose face by admitting to it.

It's a pity and it's disappointing but it's his mess. I'm sorry that it worked out like this for you

datingisnotfun

wiggle16 wrote: »

It would be in the back of your mind for sure. Like it's too early on for it to be this much work. It's his loss, if he really likes you then he shouldn't have made another dating app and should have been straight out with you when you asked him about it. He's lied and doesn't want to lose face by admitting to it.

It's a pity and it's disappointing but it's his mess. I'm sorry that it worked out like this for you

Thanks for the sympathy. I do feel like he's thrown something potentially great out the window just for some mindless fun. I hope he realises that. I wouldn't mind if he had no interest in dating me and said he didn't think things would work out, but when he is still trying to make it work despite what he's done, it's so upsetting.

The really unfortunate thing is that I don't think I can ever speak to him again, even though we connected so well. This whole thing has been a total mess that shouldn't have happened.