I don't think I'm attracted to my partner anymore

LegacyUser

So here it goes.

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 21 and I'm in my early thirties now and for a while now i've felt we are just friends.

While I think he is an amazing guy and has never done anything wrong I just dont think there's anything there for me anymore.

We get on so well always have, we kinda grew up together in a way.We don't have kids but are engaged.

But I don't think we have a spark anymore, sex is non existant.I think he may also feel the same as me as he doesn't push for it either.

I don't know if I should walk away because this can't be all there is. I'm happy but not overly. Everything is a bit boring.

I don't know if we're just in a rut or is it over? I don't think I love him in that way anymore.

He hasn't changed his appearance over the years he still looks great. But I just don't know what to do?

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

wiggle16

Sorry if this seems like an obvious question but since you say you think he feels the same way I suppose I have to ask: have you talked to him about how you feel?

If you haven't, is there a reason for that?

People do grow apart and you generally shouldn't stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. But you have been together for a very long time so I don't think you should just walk away without trying to fix it. A lot of people think that a good relationship should feel like the easiest thing in the world, all the time, but that's not true. Lasting, strong relationships take hard work from time to time. I'm not saying that's your attitude by the way but since you've been together since you were so young I'm guessing this has probably been your only significant relationship, so maybe you've nothing comparable to hold it against.

It might well just be a rut. How long have you felt this way?

I left my ex because I was unhappy in the relationship and I realised just wasn't in love with him anymore. I had thought about it a lot, what would need to change, and I realised that he just wasn't capable (even if willing) of making the changes I'd have needed to be happy and that they might make him unhappy in turn. He is a good person, it was nothing in particular that he did, rather what he wouldn't do, that was the problem. I don't regret leaving him, but I did wonder for a long time if it would have made any difference if I'd tried a bit harder or talked about how I felt a bit earlier. I eventually came to the conclusion that it wouldn't have made any difference to us, but that took a long time and I wondered for a long time if I did the right thing - my advice to you would be not to leave yourself in any doubt about that before making any decisions.

This might just be rut so I wouldn't walk away from it unless I could honestly say to myself "I tried."

Talk to him, be honest with him.

1hnr79jr65

Op, is there any romance between the 2 of you ? Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up together on couch watching or listening to something ?

Also you touched on the point that you are engaged, yet you call your partner your boyfriend, is this a subtle call out to the fact romance maybe dead and not saying he is your fiance ?

Last thing is you noted your partner looks great and has not changed in appearance over the years, are you unhappy with yourself, with changes for you ? Do you feel your partner may not be happy with your appearance ?

I ask these things as they were very specifically said in your post and as wiggle pointed out the best thing would be a talk with your partner, but also perhaps looking into why you focused on these elements or lack of those elements objectively too.

Porklife

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

Op, is there any romance between the 2 of you ? Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up together on couch watching or listening to something ?

Also you touched on the point that you are engaged, yet you call your partner your boyfriend, is this a subtle call out to the fact romance maybe dead and not saying he is your fiance ?

Last thing is you noted your partner looks great and has not changed in appearance over the years, are you unhappy with yourself, with changes for you ? Do you feel your partner may not be happy with your appearance ?

I ask these things as they were very specifically said in your post and as wiggle pointed out the best thing would be a talk with your partner, but also perhaps looking into why you focused on these elements or lack of those elements objectively too.

I read it differently to you, my take on her commenting on his appearance not changing was to highlight that as a non issue. Very often people become less attracted to their partner if they put on weight or drastically change aesthetically or physically. I think her point was he's as attractive as ever which makes it all the harder. I don't think it was a self reflective comment but I'm open to correction.

I've been where you are OP and it's really sad. I was with a great guy for four years but I just didn't fancy him anymore. He was still the same guy in every sense but I no longer viewed him in a romantic or sexual light. I remember the sinking feeling knowing id have to end it. He's happily married now I hear so turned out alright but it's definitely a fine line and tough decision.

I would try spicing things up, weekends away, date nights and most importantly talking to him before walking away but sadly I fear once the spark is gone, it's pretty hard to reignite.

I hope it works out for both of you either way.

cj maxx

If you feel that way op, and think he also does I'm afraid the only thing to do is to have that conversation. Lay everything out honestly about where you are as a couple and where you see it going , and ask him to do the same. Try not to assign blame etc but you do know it may hurt. Maybe a relationship counsellor could help. My 2 cents

cannotlogin

This often happens when two people get together very young and essentially grew up together, only to find that they are very different people than when they first got together. Very few people stay with their first love.

Break ups don't have to be as a result of rows or cheating, people can simply just grow apart. Nobody has to do anything wrong.

You also indicate that he may also feel the same but talking is the only way to find out. You're not happy so something has to change, discuss it.

guitarhappy

Very sad woman wrote: »

we are just friends...

I just dont think there's anything there for me anymore...
... I don't think we have a spark anymore, sex is non existant.

... Everything is a bit boring.

Sounds like a typical marriage to me. I'm not being a wise ass. It sounds like a typical marriage to me.

More often than not the flame burns out and what's left Is real estate, bickering, and separate bedrooms.

Tig98

cannotlogin wrote: »

Break ups don't have to be as a result of rows or cheating, people can simply just grow apart. Nobody has to do anything wrong.

I think this is great advice. It's much easier to walk away from a relationship after a roaring fight and angry words, you feel nearly justified that it's over. A lot of the times though relationships come to a gentle end, where you realise that you are not necessarily good matches for each other anymore.

I'd definitely give it a chance as you've spent so long together, sit him down and have "the talk" and see how he feels and if the relationship can be fixed.

punisher5112

Op it sounds like you have no interest in sex and he was the one trying most likely all the time and has become complacent or just fed up being rejected all the time....

My wife was at that crack and we talked about it, she didn't see any wrong in it and could go weeks or longer without.

Try kinking it up a bit and try out some new things and then if you find that doesn't work then maybe it's best you both move on especially before kids arrive.

pwurple

guitarhappy wrote: »

Sounds like a typical marriage to me. I'm not being a wise ass. It sounds like a typical marriage to me.

More often than not the flame burns out and what's left Is real estate, bickering, and separate bedrooms.

Ah now, no it's not. I'm with my bloke 25 years, we are not like brother and sister.

If it's drifting it takes effort to come back though.

Have you tried couples counseling OP?

Oranage2

Is it a boyfriend problem or a life problem. Sometimes life becomes stale, like the first poster said, try to make it work, make changes, go traveling together, do a hobby together basically try something new first that you think will make you happy then if nothing changes then split. also if you don't love your boyfriend and he doesn't have the same feelings for you then there's no shame in splitting.

10 years of the same thing can become boring. You could meet a new guy, he'll be super interested in you but after a year or two you could find yourself in the same situation.

Gruffalux

Maybe it is not him. Maybe you are bored. Of not just him. Maybe life is a bit boring.

Here's a crazy thing. Life has loads of boring parts.
Personally for example I find household chores to be insanely boring mostly because I have done them uncountable times starting young as the oldest child of a large tribe. I do them but they are zero fun.
I like my job a lot but sometimes it is boring to me because it is day after day and who doesn't want to be watching the sunrise over a flower meadow from a goat herder's hut in Ladakh instead of this sh1t.
One loves one's children and then they get to a certain know it all age and you just think shag on off now and do your life, this perpetual Mammy stuff is boring me.
If you are with the same person for a long time they will be boring to you sometimes. Just like you are to them. Yes you have told me that shagging story 15 times before let's fast forward to the next bit thanks, or fcuk me it is boring that you need a star on your chart for every time you are washing the bloody boring dishes.
Etc etc.
You say he is amazing. He has never done anything wrong to you. He looks good. Sounds like a nice guy. There is no endless supermarket supply of the good ones.
You are heading to mid thirties and soon enough you will be 50 and thinking feck me how did this happen. Think long and hard before you throw something good away because it is a bit boring. Life is a base layer of mundane daily repetition with some extraordinary wonder and tragedy added as seasoning.

Spend time apart doing different consuming hobbies. Find your own joys. Don't live cheek to jowl or in each other's pockets And have sex regularly. Just do it even if it is to keep your bits from seizing up. Focus on the good things. Life is very hard for a lot of people, probably most people in different unique ways, and if it is not actually tough going you are in a spell of luck and good fortune. If after a fair shot of steady sober hopeful living with a dollop of gratitude and humour, things are still not working then do what you feel best.
I know it is hard to be philosophical when one feels like wildly upending the tables. But it can be useful.
Good luck.

Emme

OP talk to your boyfriend. He might feel exactly the same way as you! See if you can work together to get the spark back. Relationships take work from both sides.

You say you're friends which is a good thing. It would be a shame to throw that away especially if the passion can be salvaged.

JasonStatham

I think you're just in a rut. You need to re light the fire!

Don't throw what you have, away too easily, would be my advice!

guitarhappy

I know a couple, they're a perfect match. Their marriage was hotter than a two dollar pistol for 25 years. Then it just went cold. Maybe a combination of menopause and health issues.

The last 10 years they drift along with separate lives. There's some tenderness but mostly great sadness. How long would you live like that? Another year, 5 years, 20 years? Could you look back and say it was a happy life?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone.

I greatly appreciate all your feedback and input. I have read them all and will continue to reread them as there are so many amazing points.

So to answer a few questions. I do exercise I go to the gym and try always to look my best so I don't think that's why he seems to have no interest in me. And before anyone says it he 100% is not cheating.

So yes we do cuddle on the couch but I don't know if that's just habit. We don't really kiss anymore and if we do it would just be a peck. It's like there's something missing.

So I have felt this way for about two years and I said it to him at the time but nothing changed. He's the quiet type and will just say nothing really when I bring up relationship issues, he's always been like that. I always do it in a calm but still he just sits there so it puts me off saying anything as I feel it's just me fighting for us.

I also know that relationships are not all romance daily and I know they can change over the years but I didn't expect it this early. I know you have to work at them. We have had our struggles over the years but always managed to pull through them together and I'm not willing to walk away from it just yet.

I know he's a great guy, I know how lucky I am. At the end of the day we're always there for eachother.

So I will speak to him at the weekend and then see where to go. Couples couselling could be a great option for us.

And thanks everyone for your input I really appreciate it all.

KiKi III

I’m 100% on board with the idea of couples counselling, but I also think buying some sexy underwear and booking a night or two of a staycation in a nice hotel might help.

As others have said, don’t give up on a good thing without a fight.

Yellow pack crisps

Intimacy is your problem. That’s not just sex. It’s the way you look at each other, brush off each other, the way you speak to each other. Touch each other in a way that sex isn’t even a thought sometimes. You’re right in thinking it won’t last or even you should not accent a lack of intimacy. Some people will tell you that’s just how a relationship goes, but it doesn’t have to be. One way to look at this is that you have a lot of things to work with. Both committed, it’s loving, it’s good natured. That’s a canvas with some nice art on on it, it needs to be looked at to see where you go. This is where you will find your answer. It’s up to both of you to want to save this relationship. Your partners response not only in words but actions will tell you all you need to know. Also write down what you want in terms of the relationship and where you want it to go. Read it till you know without looking at it.

Porklife

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Intimacy is your problem. That’s not just sex. It’s the way you look at each other, brush off each other, the way you speak to each other. Touch each other in a way that sex isn’t even a thought sometimes. You’re right in thinking it won’t last or even you should not accent a lack of intimacy. Some people will tell you that’s just how a relationship goes, but it doesn’t have to be. One way to look at this is that you have a lot of things to work with. Both committed, it’s loving, it’s good natured. That’s a canvas with some nice art on on it, it needs to be looked at to see where you go. This is where you will find your answer. It’s up to both of you to want to save this relationship. Your partners response not only in words but actions will tell you all you need to know. Also write down what you want in terms of the relationship and where you want it to go. Read it till you know without looking at it.

What a lovely post. Really great advice that anyone in a relationship will benefit from reading. I think naturally your attraction will ebb and flow and there will be times when you're not even viewing your partner as a sexual being then they'll do something small like raise their eyebrow at you in a way you used to find sexy or will get really passionate about a song or movie and all the feelings come rushing back.
Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, if they did we wouldn't appreciate them.
This may sound mad but when I'm feeling in a rut or confused about my feelings towards my partner, I listen to a song we both love, "our song" for want of a better term. If I well up with gushy emotions then I know there's something still there. Anything is worth a shot.

Warbeastrior

cannotlogin wrote: »

This often happens when two people get together very young and essentially grew up together, only to find that they are very different people than when they first got together. Very few people stay with their first love.

Break ups don't have to be as a result of rows or cheating, people can simply just grow apart. Nobody has to do anything wrong.

You also indicate that he may also feel the same but talking is the only way to find out. You're not happy so something has to change, discuss it.

I know a couple.... Him (23) Her (22)
They have been together for 9 years since they were 14 and 13 respectively. They seem to be still crazy about each other. I know her well and I always say to her that it's mad that he was the first boy she liked, she has literally not even dated anyone else and has never been rejected. It's mad but they seem to be really into each other still.

Mad_maxx

Not being attracted to your partner after a number of years is quite common, most of us can't get exactly what we want in that regard

CBear1993

I posted a similar thread on here this evening about 2 years into relationship.

Wish I’d come on here first, some great responses.