Called my girlfriend a psycho

LegacyUser

On Wed night myself and my girlfriend had a heated argument. As I was going to work on Thur she accused me of shouting at her the previous night. During the argument the previous night we both raised our voices but I can say with 100% certainty I did not shout at her. I explained to her that I may have raised my voice but she kept saying I shouted at her. She said it to me about 6 or 7 times to the point where I lost my cool and called her a psycho and left. As soon as I left the room, I realised I shouldn’t have said it and went back in and apologised and when I got to work I apologised by text also.

Yesterday afternoon she messaged saying I called her it to invalidate her feelings to which I explained that wasn’t true and that it was solely because she kept accusing me of something false and I reiterated that I was wrong to do it. I asked her to take back what she said and she tried a few times to pass it off by saying raised voices and shouting are the same thing but wouldn’t take it back. I think they are very different things. Yesterday evening she was saying I should call out again to her again to apologise. I felt it wasn’t fair that I should call out to apologise again when she wouldn’t take back what she said in the lead up to it so I said I wasn’t calling out until she did.

This morning I woke up to find she had blocked me on Whatsapp but before she did she sent messages telling me I didn’t call out as I couldn’t be bothered and didn’t care about her. I’m heartbroken and wanted to sort it out but I feel I can’t let being falsely accused of something so serious slide. Am I wrong in feeling this way or has anyone any advice?

Hannibal_Smith

You can't sort it out when she's not listening to you. Blocking you on whats app is very dramatic. I know it's difficult, but I would leave her to it to be honest. She can't admit when she's wrong and in fact flips it back on you.

You both raised your voices, so did she apologise too? She blamed you on something you didn't do, she didn't apologise for that either.

As I say, I'd leave her to it.

Tig98

Oof, that's rough. Are ye going out long?

I would see it as immaturity on her part. In an argument it's natural for people to get hot blooded and raise their voices a bit - that's fine, if anything it's healthy for the relationship. Shouting would suggest more of a dominating and belittling tone. If she wants to further the theatrics by blocking you then let her at it, if you pander to her now she'll learn that her tactics get her what she wants.

KiKi III

OP, what is the difference between raising your voice and shouting? You say they’re very different but I’d say it’s very open to interpretation.

Calling her a psycho was a way to invalidate her feelings; you can disagree on whether it was shouting or not but that was an unnecessary thing to say.

I read an article years ago about words men use to shut women up; there were four, fat, slut, psycho and I can’t remember the last one - can’t find it now. Have a real think about why you used that particular word.

Blocking you on WhatsApp was probably a bit immature but it’s definitely something I’ve done when I’m upset.

A lot of this probably comes to whatever the original argument was over.

fran38

And she gets upset coz u called her a physco? Man, first world problems. Play her at het own games. U block her on other social platfprms.

Tork

All of this raises more questions than it answers. How long are you together and do you normally have rows like this? I'm kind of wondering is she escalating this because she wants to break up? That nitpicking about whether you shouted or not is making me wonder. (Calling her a psycho wasn't nice either but I'm looking at the bigger picture)

LegacyUser

KiKi III wrote: »

OP, what is the difference between raising your voice and shouting? You say they’re very different but I’d say it’s very open to interpretation.

Calling her a psycho was a way to invalidate her feelings; you can disagree on whether it was shouting or not but that was an unnecessary thing to say.


A lot of this probably comes to whatever the original argument was over.

During the argument we both raised our voices, she claimed she didn't and I shouted at her.

She said this to me 6 or 7 times in the space of 5 minutes and each time I tried to say we both raised our voices but she kept saying it until I lost my cool. I shouldn't have called her that but it was directly related to frustration with her making a blatantly false statement and repeating it over and over. It was nothing to do with anything else said during the argument.

A lot of it is to do with the original argument but I don't think it's fair I should have to swallow the fact that I can be accused of something that didn't happen.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

All of this raises more questions than it answers. How long are you together and do you normally have rows like this? I'm kind of wondering is she escalating this because she wants to break up? That nitpicking about whether you shouted or not is making me wonder. (Calling her a psycho wasn't nice either but I'm looking at the bigger picture)

Together about 2 years we do have rows like this sometimes. I always have to apolgise first and she never apolgises for anything until its dragged out of her a few days later. She has a valid reason to be annoyed the original argument which I also said to her yesterday but I don't feel like discussing any of that while she's still claiming I shouted at her.

i don't see it as nitpicking, it was an argument where we both raised our voices but she claims she didn't and I was shouting at her.

She was extremely unhappy i didn't call out yesterday and mentioned it a lot before the final messages last night. She has broken up with me. My brain is fried trying to deal with it and I can't concentrate on anything at the moment.

KiKi III

Wornout2020 wrote: »

During the argument we both raised our voices, she claimed she didn't and I shouted at her.

She said this to me 6 or 7 times in the space of 5 minutes and each time I tried to say we both raised our voices but she kept saying it until I lost my cool. I shouldn't have called her that but it was directly related to frustration with her making a blatantly false statement and repeating it over and over. It was nothing to do with anything else said during the argument.

A lot of it is to do with the original argument but I don't think it's fair I should have to swallow the fact that I can be accused of something that didn't happen.

You’re really contradicting yourself though.

On the one hand you’re saying you both did it, on the other you’re saying you didn’t do it at all and you’re being accused of something that didn’t happen.

Which is it?

I would raise my voice if I was in a loud pub if I was trying to get someone’s attention on the other side of the bar. That’s not shouting. Raising your voice in an angry way during an argument usually is considered shouting. So I don’t blame her for getting annoyed that you kept saying you didn’t shout when it seems clear you did.

If she also shouted, she owes you an apology for that.

Either way, I think you owe her a genuine apology for calling her a psycho. “I’m sorry but you did X too” is not a genuine apology. It’s a horrible thing to say.

Tork

She owes the OP a genuine apology too.

KiKi III

Tork wrote: »

She owes the OP a genuine apology too.

I said that!

LegacyUser

KiKi III wrote: »

You’re really contradicting yourself though.

On the one hand you’re saying you both did it, on the other you’re saying you didn’t do it at all and you’re being accused of something that didn’t happen.

Which is it?

I would raise my voice if I was in a loud pub if I was trying to get someone’s attention on the other side of the bar. That’s not shouting. Raising your voice in an angry way during an argument usually is considered shouting. So I don’t blame her for getting annoyed that you kept saying you didn’t shout when it seems clear you did.

If she also shouted, she owes you an apology for that.

Either way, I think you owe her a genuine apology for calling her a psycho. “I’m sorry but you did X too” is not a genuine apology. It’s a horrible thing to say.

We both raised our voices, as you do during an argument, neither of us were shouting. Are you trying to say that once somebody in an argument raised their voice even slightly its considered shouting? I don't consider that shouting so I'm not contradicting myself - I think you just have a different interpretation of what is considered shouting which is fair enough. Whatever it was we both did it not just me but I'm the one being accused of it.

I didn't apologise as you say “I’m sorry but you did X too”. I apologised first thing in person after and by text without mentioning anything else. It was later in the day when she was still claiming I shouted at her that I said I wasn't calling out until she took it back.

Tig98

KiKi III wrote: »

You’re really contradicting yourself though.

On the one hand you’re saying you both did it, on the other you’re saying you didn’t do it at all and you’re being accused of something that didn’t happen.

Which is it?

I would raise my voice if I was in a loud pub if I was trying to get someone’s attention on the other side of the bar. That’s not shouting. Raising your voice in an angry way during an argument usually is considered shouting. So I don’t blame her for getting annoyed that you kept saying you didn’t shout when it seems clear you did.

If she also shouted, she owes you an apology for that.

Either way, I think you owe her a genuine apology for calling her a psycho. “I’m sorry but you did X too” is not a genuine apology. It’s a horrible thing to say.

Fairly poor rhetoric, raising your voice is not equals shouting, and you're creating your own narrative of what happened.

They both raised their voice. Without raising your voice an "argument" is just a disagreement. She repeatedly accused him of shouting at him which he said he did not do, and if she wants to label what he did as shouting then she was right there with him.

Don't apologise with your tail between your legs, it's not right, and she's just being manipulative. You already made repeated attempts at an apology when you felt guilty which is admirable, and then she went and turned it into a power play by refusing your in person and over text apology, later summoning you to apologise again after more time had passed in which she hoped you were miserable and learned a lesson.

These are all major red flags, and in the context of the overall relationship you need to assess if this kind of manipulation is out of character for her or not.

KiKi III

Tig98 wrote: »

Fairly poor rhetoric, raising your voice is not equals shouting, and you're creating your own narrative of what happened.

They both raised their voice. Without raising your voice an "argument" is just a disagreement. She repeatedly accused him of shouting at him which he said he did not do, and if she wants to label what he did as shouting then she was right there with him.

Hmmm I’m not sure I agree at all that an argument requires raised voices.

OP, I’ll ask again, in the context of an argument what is the difference between raised voices and shouting? Is it volume? Tone? It seems very subjective and open to interpretation.

You need to consider the possibility that while you didn’t feel like you were shouting (because you see a difference between this and angrily raising your voice) she doesn’t see the distinction between the two and legitimately feels that you shouted at her.

This raised voices vs shouting conversation is really just semantics; it amounts to the same thing.

So, on that topic it appears you’re both guilty and both in the wrong.

We’re not getting the full story here as we don’t know what the initial argument was over so we’re missing the context this all took place in.

If I was you I’d wait until I cooled down and then apologise for my part in the argument; the raised voice, the calling her a psycho, and anything you shouldn’t have said/ done in the argument before. Taking responsibility for your part shouldn’t be conditional on whether she does too.

If she’s worth keeping, she will do the same, apologise and take responsibility and you can patch things up and move forward. If she doesn’t take responsibility for her part and blames you 100% for everything, you need to consider whether it’s a healthy relationship you want to be in.

Hannibal_Smith

Ah OP, that's an awful way for her to end things. No wonder your head is fried. But you're better off out of it.

You apologised. She didn't accept it and in fact ended up blocking you. That's really immature and a ridiculous way to behave.

Walk away.

Kidchameleon

From what you have described, she is a bully and your better off without. You are correct to stand your ground on this IMHO. If you back down she will walk all over you forever.

KiKi III

Sorry OP - I missed the post where you said she broke up with you.

Sounds like you’re both better off single.

Mind yourself and arrange to spend time with family and friends over the weekend.

Porklife

It sounds like a complete overreaction on her part and she sounds like a drama queen.
Dissecting the difference between shouting and raised voices is pointless, who cares. People shout sometimes in an argument, it's hardly the crime of the century. Same goes for calling her a pysco. It's not a nice thing to say but she wasn't behaving very nicely either.
You apologised. What more does she want.
Honestly OP I think she's only breaking up with you to make a point and isn't taking into account the impact that will have on you. I wouldn't pander to her one bit.

Tork

I always have to apolgise first and she never apolgises for anything until its dragged out of her a few days later.

This, added to her recent behaviour makes me think you're better off staying split up. Couples row, sometimes they even get so angry they shout at each other. It happens. I find her lies and behaviour afterwards more worrisome than calling her a psycho. It isn't a nice thing to call somebody but it is too easy to get hung up on that. Life's too short to be in a relationship with somebody as tricky as her.

Huntergonzo

Arguments are never pleasant, but look if people arguing over who shouted at who in an argument and are prepared to end a relationship over it then it probably is best to part ways.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked at OP's request.