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Should I encourage him or leave it

  • 10-07-2020 9:34pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭


    I have a friend who is in a relationship with a girl a few years.....but at same time he has met a guy that he says he has an amazing connection with and things have gotten sexual with them albeit not very often. There's proper feelings involved too.
    In talking to him, he has admitted to being bored with sex life with the GF and has said that if he was with the right person that he wouldn't be cheating. There seems to be an issue where he can't talk to her about different things (outside of this of course). This isn't the first time he has cheated in this relationship but he says this is the most significant.
    I've never met his GF and not my business to be going to say anything but as a friend I would prefer to see him with someone that completely fulfills him that he can commit to properly as in think he would be happier, But He has no intention of finishing his relationship with either and I think he'd be scared of the impact on his life by telling family etc that he was with guy, which is really sad in this day and age.

    I've tried to encourage him to end it with the GF regardless of whether he will go official with they guy and while he has said he has considered it, he said he has no plans to do it...although "you never know what might happen in the future.

    I realise this is not the actions of a good person and is very selfish which I've said to him but I'm not going to judge him...I genuinely don't think he intended to develop feelings for the guy. He has confided in me as we are very close and probably the only person he trusts to talk to about it.

    I guess the question is, as a friend...do I keep encouraging him to make a change or do I just drop it and let him make his own way?


Comments

  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    The poor girl is being strung along by someone who cheats on her and doesn't really care. She could be getting on with her life and meeting someone genuinely interested in her.

    Encourage him to finish with the girl, she doesn't deserve that treatment. He can then take his time to consider how to proceed with his other love interest and how to broach the subject with his family. He's basically using the girl for cover, and that's as shabby as it gets.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I’d stay out of it. If you’ve given your thoughts and he continues to see both there’s nothing more you can do. I’d be telling him though that until he does the decent thing and commit to one that you don’t want to know any more about it. If he wants to be dishonest that’s on him but why should you be dragged into it?


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Stop being friends with him.

    Its no different to a guy who cheats with another girl. Its just drama.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    People think they can live the life of pretence, but eventually it all gets too much. But by then they're married with children.

    I certainly wouldn't drop him as a friend, I think he needs someone to listen to him right now. But while he's trying to figure things out he's playing games with the Girlfriend's time. Of course he's bored with the sex life and it's not going to improve. The relationship will come to a dead end, it's better he does it now. She deserves to find that someone where there are 'proper feelings involved' too instead of being used as a smoke screen.

    I would continue to gently encourage him to end things with the girlfriend, for both their sakes a few more times. He doesn't have to tell anyone he's in a relationship with the guy, until he's ready.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,371 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    It's not particularly relevant whether the person he is cheating with is male or female, he's still cheating, and his girlfriend is being strung along. She deserves better. It might do him no harm to be single for a while and figure out what he wants


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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    OP you shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything here. And that means from keeping his secrets to telling his partner because “you’d want to know”, or anything like that. Do what you feel comfortable doing, there’s no wrong answer.

    The reality is that your friend is putting you in an awful spot. He sounds in total denial and like he’s refusing to acknowledge a situation, when it’s long past the time for that because even on a base level he could be risking people’s health through irresponsible sexual carry on with multiple partners. I understand that this can be difficult, and I’d empathise with him somewhat if it was him here posting to us, with the hard caveat that he does need to cop on and accept the reality of his situation.

    Telling you while he has zero plans to do anything about it was one more selfish act to add to the pile. It helps him unload his feelings to make it easier to carry on as normal, while leaving you with a burden and here posting on PI because you’re now the one concerned about an issue that shouldn’t be your problem.

    So do whatever you want to do. If you don’t want to hear any more about this because it’s taking a toll on you, feel free to push away. If your gut is screaming that you should tell his wife, I wouldn’t judge you if you did. Or if you want to keep being his confidante, that’s fine too, but do that with the understanding that he’s made his mind up that his way of dealing with the problem seems to begin and end with telling you and you can’t expect that to change if you decide to continue as normal.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    leggo wrote: »
    r.

    The reality is that your friend is putting you in an awful spot. He sounds in total denial and like he’s refusing to acknowledge a situation, when it’s long past the time for that because even on a base level he could be risking people’s health through irresponsible sexual carry on with multiple partners. I understand that this can be difficult, and I’d empathise with him somewhat if it was him here posting to us, with the hard caveat that he does need to cop on and accept the reality of his situation.


    I agree. Plus if this is what you know....


  • Administrators Posts: 13,414 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I agree it was a selfish move of him to tell you. Why exactly did he tell you? He clearly didn't want your advice. Was it just to "brag" about his situation? Let you know how sexually explorative he is by having all these various types of partners? Was it to have a back up if it all goes wrong so he can somehow drag you into it?

    He may be very mixed up and confused, but the reality is he is messing with a lot of different people. And people who themselves might be vulnerable and and mixed up.

    In your shoes I think your options are tell his gf, or back away from him completely. I had to end a long and very good friendship years ago becausey friend was cheating on her husband with a work colleague. She regularly told me (and others) about it. She wasn't torn, she wasn't confused. She was in fact giddy about the whole thing. I considered telling her husband. In the end I just walked away from her. I was very fond of her, and of her husband. And personally I felt I couldn't stand on the sideline watching this, and if/when it all came out have him thinking that we all knew (lots of us knew, we were working together) and we were all "in on it" and laughing at him.

    Your friend is caught up in his own little world and doesn't care about anyone else he has caught with him. You can decide to hang around and be "an accomplice" or you can tell him you're not interested in hearing about his varied and complicated sex life.

    I would hope that he is not having unprotected sex with any of these people though. For that reason alone I think I would have to inform his gf.


  • Posts: 13,712 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    I agree it was a selfish move of him to tell you. Why exactly did he tell you? He clearly didn't want your advice. Was it just to "brag" about his situation? Let you know how sexually explorative he is by having all these various types of partners? Was it to have a back up if it all goes wrong so he can somehow drag you into it?

    ...I would hope that he is not having unprotected sex with any of these people though. For that reason alone I think I would have to inform his gf.
    This is a bit harsh isn't it? Presumably he came to him for advice because they're friends. The OP has also done the responsible thing and been blunt and honest about this guy's selfish and unfair behaviour.

    But I'm supposing this guy is a little on the young side, to be acting so erratically. He sounds terribly immature.

    Most of us wouldn't dump our friends for cheating, especially if there young, in relatively uncommited relationships and there were no kids involved. I daresay a few of us reading this thread have cheated in the past, it's not exactly uncommon.

    OP my advice is to be keep doing what you're doing. Voice your concern for the girl he's dating, remind him that she deserves better, and that sexual experimentation is absolutely no justification for the harm he'll cause her, the longer this goes on. Remember that it isn't your job to fix this, don't say anything to his girlfriend.

    You're being a good friend, and you're already doing the right thing.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,414 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I don't think it is harsh. The thing is OP, he didn't come to you for advice. He didn't ask what he should do. He told you what he's doing, but also told you he has no intention of stopping. . This isn't a girl he's "dating". It's someone he has been in a relationship with for "a few years". How close are you that he has been with someone for a few years, yet you've never met her?

    She is a cover. He has said he's not happy with her. There's things he can't talk to her about (obviously). He has lost all interest in sex with her. Yet he is happy to keep her as a front for a happy relationship. He doesn't care about her happiness. It's not the first time he's cheated on her. He doesn't care that he is stopping her from finding a relationship with someone who might actually want to be with her. He is holding her back whilst going out and getting what he wants. He might think he's in a relatively uncommitted relationship. I doubt she does.

    I understand that relationships and friendships aren't always black and white, and yes, lots of people cheat. In my case I did walk away from a friendship because my friend was cheating on her husband. I didn't do it at the first instance of cheating. It actually took me a few months and it was a few months of her admitting it, being upset and confused at first, and gradually becoming less upset and more excited by it. Telling me details that I didn't want to know. I also knew everyone involved. Her, her husband, and the man she was cheating with. It had moved on from her looking for advice on what she had done, to her telling a lot of people (temps in our office!) about it because she was so excited and flattered by it all.

    A friend looking for advice is one thing. But he's not looking for advice. He has told you he's not going to end it with either person. So again I'd ask, why did he tell you? It is not right to continue a heterosexual relationship with a woman he has no interest in just so he doesn't have to tell his family he's in a homosexual relationship. He can end it with her and not tell them he's seeing the other man.

    What he's doing is grossly unfair to the woman he's with. And the longer it goes on with him refusing to make any steps to end it with her the less respect I'd have for him as a friend.

    Although I suppose if you've never met her it's easy to see her as some abstract thing rather than a real person who believes the man she's in a long relationship with is in fact in the same relationship that she is.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,022 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    It's not particularly relevant whether the person he is cheating with is male or female, he's still cheating, and his girlfriend is being strung along. She deserves better. It might do him no harm to be single for a while and figure out what he wants

    Well yes and no. Yes in that there may come a day down the line, perhaps he might be married to this girl and have kids, he decides he is gay and looks for opportunities to fulfill that outside of the relationship, she will never be able to satisfy him, what then? Cheating with a guy has bigger consequences because it calls into question his sexuality and what she can offer him.

    Anyway I digress, this guy’s behaviour is appalling to be frank. As someone else mentioned he is using this girl as a cover, he has no real interest in her. You say you don’t want to judge him but sometimes we need to tell our friends some harsh truths even if it’s not what they want to hear. I think a bit of judgement is exactly this guy needs. He has cheated before, what was his excuse then, boredom? He can’t keep this girl on as an option, it’s totally unfair. Personally I don’t think I could be friends with someone who carried on like this, I just couldn’t support someone who treated other people in that way.


  • Posts: 13,712 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    A friend looking for advice is one thing. But he's not looking for advice. He has told you he's not going to end it with either person. So again I'd ask, why did he tell you?
    Just too offload maybe? Isn't this what we do with our friends all the time? We are not obliged to follow their advice. Honestly OP I would tread very carefully here. Abandoning a friend is not something you should do because any of us advised you to, that's a serious escalation.

    I'm assuming it would be, at least, because for someone to confide this in you and for it to be weighing on you, you must be good friends.

    Maybe I'm alone here but the idea of rocking up to some strangers house and telling her her boyfriend is cheating on her, I can't see that going well. This just isn't your responsibility.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,826 ✭✭✭Truthvader


    As a matter of interest has this friend ever asked about you. Sounds like a total me me me narcassist. Not enough that he cheats but it has to be dressed up as a huge drama where he needs help and above all attention. The traditional kick up the hole may be the only cure


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,099 ✭✭✭RealJohn


    I think that this is one of those situations where the girlfriend needs to know, for her own safety.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Given that the OP has closed their account, I'm going to close this thread here.

    Thank you all who replied.

    HS


This discussion has been closed.
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