Pregnant Partner

Dad22332244

So I'm looking for some feedback/Advice...

Here is my dilemma, my current partner of 5 years is 5 months pregnant, which is great, both over the moon but I have a son from a previous relationship and I would normally get him every second weekend ideally i would love to get him a night or two midweek also but with the distance and school and work etc its tricky and then good aul covid came along so travelling was out and it was all facetime for nearly 3 month until this weekend gone..it was great and he was delighted and we told him about the pregnancy and he's super excited to be a big brother.

Now the problem is (I don't see it as a problem) he wants to come over this weekend which I'm delighted about but may partner is complaining that she's tired and wrecked and he gets up early etc. Now I'd do anything for her and even more so now that she's pregnant and I understand she's tired and hormones are all over the place but she realy kicked off when I said he would be over this weekend (it would nice to be asked if he could come over) and to be honest I'm pissed off and i feel she is being selfish or am I out of order, my son for the last month has been asking daily when can he come over and I get 3 nights whit him and am I now to tell him no he can't come over next week..how to you tell your 7yr he can't come over ?

Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

jlm29

No, you’re not being unreasonable at all, IMO

Tork

What is her relationship with your son usually like?

Dad22332244

It good to be fair, we have all been abroad and hes always been over when he has ment to be but she doesn't like my ex so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

Really depends on the dynamic of the situation, OP. Do you expect your partner to look after him, sort meals for him or otherwise entertain him? If the answer to any of these is yes, even if it is only sometimes, then I see her point. However, if you do all that stuff yourself and her only real contention is having him in the house, then I think she's being a bit unreasonable. He's your son, at the end of the day.

Dad22332244

No id be of out paying football or of doing something with him or all of us or playing games indoors, tje only cooking she may do is dinner everything else breakfast luches etc id look after for all of us and the good aul cleaning, but to be fair she does the washing as id end up shrinking everything

The Princess Bride

I do feel she's being a tad unreasonable.

How you both behave around your son is very important with a new arrival imminent, otherwise there's a chance your son will feel less wanted.

A lot of first children feel like they're no longer number 1/as important, when a second child is born.
More so than if he was living with you fulltime too, as he will be old enough to realise that you only see him at weekends, whereas you'll be seeing new sibling daily.
So start the way you mean to continue.

Also, learn how to do the washing, it's not difficult.
And suggest a takeaway/you cook when your son is visiting.

Re: your ex.
You'll always be in each other's lives because of your son.
Your partner will have to realise this otherwise you're in for a potentially rough time.
After 5 years, it shouldn't really be an issue.

bee06

She’s being unreasonable. She’s 5 months pregnant, she’s actually at the stage when she has the most energy she’s going to have. It only gets worse as she goes through the pregnancy. Is she going to use tiredness as an excuse for her whole pregnancy for him not to come and stay. And then when she has a newborn, waking through the night...

SusieBlue

I don’t agree that she shouldn’t have to look after OP’s son from time to time, etc.
When you get into a relationship with someone who has a child, the child is part of the package. That means that you will sometimes have to look after, cook for and clean up after a child that isn’t yours.
That is par for the course of being in a long term relationship with someone who is already a parent.
It’s part of being a step parent, and part of being in a blended family.

I’m not saying she should have to do all the donkey work while OP is off doing as he pleases but seeing as they’re now having a baby together, it’s reasonable to expect she will treat OP’s son as she would her own child.
And if that means sometimes cooking for him or looking after him etc, then so be it.
He is her step son and her child’s half brother, at the end of the day.
They’re going to be a family unit in their own right and it’s unreasonable to suggest she shouldn’t have to treat him as part of the family, like some sort of separate entity.

She’s being unreasonable, I don’t think what she’s doing is fair and it’s a horrible thing to do to a child that has barely been able to see his daddy for the last 3 months.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

SusieBlue wrote: »

I don’t agree that she shouldn’t have to look after OP’s son from time to time, etc.
When you get into a relationship with someone who has a child, the child is part of the package. That means that you will sometimes have to look after, cook for and clean up after a child that isn’t yours.
That is par for the course of being in a long term relationship with someone who is already a parent.

I agree with this, just in the context of the fact that she is 5 months pregnant, she may have to be given some leeway in this regard at the moment, that's all.

pwurple

bee06 wrote: »

She’s being unreasonable. She’s 5 months pregnant, she’s actually at the stage when she has the most energy she’s going to have. It only gets worse as she goes through the pregnancy. Is she going to use tiredness as an excuse for her whole pregnancy for him not to come and stay. And then when she has a newborn, waking through the night...

This is the height of patronising. You have absolutely no information on this woman's pregnancy.

I was completely exhausted at 5 months pregnant, insomnia for the 2nd trimester, and got my energy back later.


It sounds to me more like she wanted to be considered in the planning rather than having it landed on her with no say. Communication goes a long way.


It also doesn't sound like she refused, more like she gave out about the lack of communication.

Which is perfectly reasonable.

Reassure her that she can stay in bed late for the weekend if she likes, and take the boy out to the park. Do the cooking, the washup and mind her Sorted.

bee06

pwurple wrote: »

This is the height of patronising. You have absolutely no information on this woman's pregnancy.

I was completely exhausted at 5 months pregnant, insomnia for the 2nd trimester, and got my energy back later.


It sounds to me more like she wanted to be considered in the planning rather than having it landed on her with no say. Communication goes a long way.


It also doesn't sound like she refused, more like she gave out about the lack of communication.

Which is perfectly reasonable.

Reassure her that she can stay in bed late for the weekend if she likes, and take the boy out to the park. Do the cooking, the washup and mind her Sorted.

You’re right. It was the middle of the night and I was up with my baby doing a night feed and I let that colour my reply.

Loveinapril

My hormones left me feeling completely vulnerable and needy in my pregnancies and my husband couldn't do anything right. Hopefully hormones are at play here because she should understand your need to see your son. You also need to set the pattern of integrating your son into your family properly before the new baby's arrival because, as others said, the children of separated partners can feel pushed aside when the "new" family expands.

Shelli2

She is being completely unreasonable, she cannot and should not dictate when you can see your son, he is part of the family and you shouldn't have to check with her. Granted if you had plans and cancelled them I could understand her annoyance but she should still suck it up, but just because she's tired? I'm sorry, but that's complete b*llsh*t.
What happens when she's exhausted with a new baby? Your son is just left out?
What do couples with more than one child do, get rid of the others because they are tired?
He is not a novelty that she can pick and choose .

I myself am 5 months pregnant. I have a son from a previous relationship and my partner has a daughter too. So I can really see all sides.
If any adult involved in my circumstances treated one of our soon to be 3 children as an inconvenience, I'd be absolutely livid.

Dad22332244

Shelli2 wrote: »

She is being completely unreasonable, she cannot and should not dictate when you can see your son, he is part of the family and you shouldn't have to check with her. Granted if you had plans and cancelled them I could understand her annoyance but she should still suck it up, but just because she's tired? I'm sorry, but that's complete b*llsh*t.
What happens when she's exhausted with a new baby? Your son is just left out?
What do couples with more than one child do, get rid of the others because they are tired?
He is not a novelty that she can pick and choose .

I myself am 5 months pregnant. I have a son from a previous relationship and my partner has a daughter too. So I can really see all sides.
If any adult involved in my circumstances treated one of our soon to be 3 children as an inconvenience, I'd be absolutely livid.

Thats exactly how I see it we come as a package and I've always been clear about that, if the shoe was on ther other foot I wouldn't even hesitate it wouldn't cross my mind, what happens when he is older and turns around and says he wants to spend the summer with us beacuse he has friends here. What happens if we have another child as you pointed out, even with the hole covid-19 business going on 3 weeks ago i was ready start taking him over again but she was worried until she got flu jab etc and I had to postpone bringing him over and I'm trying to explain to a 7yr that we just need to be careful etc and the other frustrating thing is he actually loves seeing her !!

bee06

Dad22332244 wrote: »

Thats exactly how I see it we come as a package and I've always been clear about that, if the shoe was on ther other foot I wouldn't even hesitate it wouldn't cross my mind, what happens when he is older and turns around and says he wants to spend the summer with us beacuse he has friends here. What happens if we have another child as you pointed out, even with the hole covid-19 business going on 3 weeks ago i was ready start taking him over again but she was worried until she got flu jab etc and I had to postpone bringing him over and I'm trying to explain to a 7yr that we just need to be careful etc and the other frustrating thing is he actually loves seeing her !!

Did you tell her he was coming to stay or did you discuss him coming to stay with her before you agreed it with your son’s mom?

Dad22332244

bee06 wrote: »

Did you tell her he was coming to stay or did you discuss him coming to stay with her before you agreed it with your son’s mom?

He said see you next week to her when he was saying goodbye and then she said is it not the following week and he said oh yeah so I said you can come over when ever you like

bee06

Dad22332244 wrote: »

He said see you next week to her when he was saying goodbye and then she said is it not the following week and he said oh yeah so I said you can come over when ever you like

So you didn’t discuss it with her. You basically put her in an awkward position by landing it on her in front of your son?

Loveinapril

bee06 wrote: »

So you didn’t discuss it with her. You basically put her in an awkward position by landing it on her in front of your son?

Surely a parent can tell their child they can come over to their house whenever they want.

Shelli2

bee06 wrote: »

So you didn’t discuss it with her. You basically put her in an awkward position by landing it on her in front of your son?

There shouldn't need to be any discussion about seeing his own son!!Especially after going so long without seeing him.

Anyway, if you read his posts it was the kid who said 'see you next week', he was entirely correct to reassure his son that he was welcome any time.

bee06

Shelli2 wrote: »

Anyway, if you read his posts it was the kid who said 'see you next week', he was entirely correct to reassure his son that he was welcome any time.

Exactly, it sounded like he made an off the cuff remark when the son said see you next week. I think a quick chat with his partner and more importantly the sons mother would have been a good idea first to make sure everyone was on the same page.

Rebel83

My partner has a son who has been spending more time with us in recent months, not less. We're both very mindful that although he's delighted to become a big brother, he's still just a kid & is bound to get a little insecure.

Your partner should appreciate how important you take your duties as a Dad & your son's wellbeing a sign of how you'll parent your new baby together - but if she's simply tired & emotional, reassure her that next weekend can still be relaxing for her & make sure you take the lead on getting up early, cleaning & looking after your boy. Don't get me wrong, we share it usually, but if she is feeling wrecked look after her a little, whilst still seeing your son.

mouldybiscuits

If this was the other way around and you were complaining about her having her son visit you would be chastised. She's not being fair to you or your son. She might be tired but that's not a good enough excuse for you to not have your son visit as he was a part of your life before she came into it. She should know the importance of your time together.

misstearheus

This is going to be the new norm for her that she will have to get used to, a Newborn and the 7y.o.

DonnaDarko09

The issue here is you never ‘consulted’ her. Did you just tell her your son would be staying? Perhaps you should have asked her if she was ok with this first, even if it was actually just a way of letting her know that he would be staying. Make her feel involved in the decision.
I have been in her shoes. Except my partners kids stay with us for over half the week every week. And at time’s when they have stayed more, i wished my partner would have asked me first rather than agreeing with their mom. I would usually be the last to know. So maybe this is your partners problem too? Pregnancy hormones definitely heighten emotions too.

DonnaDarko09

Also for people saying that his son should be allowed over any time, if he were single, sure. But he now shares a home with his partner, who is not the mother of his son. And the rountine thus far has been for his son to come over every second week. If there are changes to this, it should be discussed with his partner firstly, even if just to give her a heads up as to his wishes.
And before anyone starts, I agree he should be allowed see his son more especially given the lack of visits during Covid.
But his partner should be involved in the decision process for this to happen.

Kevhog1988

DonnaDarko09 wrote: »

Also for people saying that his son should be allowed over any time, if he were single, sure. But he now shares a home with his partner, who is not the mother of his son. And the rountine thus far has been for his son to come over every second week. If there are changes to this, it should be discussed with his partner firstly, even if just to give her a heads up as to his wishes.
And before anyone starts, I agree he should be allowed see his son more especially given the lack of visits during Covid.
But his partner should be involved in the decision process for this to happen.

Thats bull**** tbh.... If his new partner is actively causing issues for him seeing his son id be weary of how she will act when the second child is born. Put the foot down OP. If shes tired take your son off for the day and leave her at home to relax

DonnaDarko09

I think you are misreading what I’m saying. I also agree he should be allowed see his son as much as possible.
But his partner should be included in talks to changes to any routine that has been in place up to now. She also lives in the house. When I say this, I mean a courtesy of letting her know really. I am not saying he should be asking for her permission.
It can be very unsettling when routines change and given she is pregnant, this will be all the more so I suspect. I have been there. Unfortunately my partner chose to not include me in any discussions and I found it extremely unsettling and it has damaged our relationship. All I ever asked was to be given heads up as to when the kids would be with us as the routine changed so much.

charlietheminxx

I don't think there should be a set routine for when your child is welcome.

By saying "you're welcome to come over any time you like", OP you did the right thing. That's your son, there should be an open door policy. I do feel for your partner if she's struggling at the moment, it's a tough time to be pregnant, but all the same she knew you had a child when she got involved with you, that's always going to require some flexibility.

DonnaDarko09

Perhaps you are right and my own experience has coloured my view of these situations now.
I had a very open door policy for my partners kids, as well as their mother, and even though I wanted to be included in discussions as to when the kids would be over, I felt I could not say anything.
Unfortunately lines were crossed and my partner and the children’s mother betrayed my trust. This won’t be the case for most so perhaps an open door policy over routine is best..for the kids at least.

SAMTALK

I think she needs to look at the way you treated your son and realise you will be a good dad. This is what a parent is supposed to do for their child. Reassure them they are loved wanted and not a hindrance to your life in any way

It might have been a good idea to discuss how it would work at the beginning , that the days are not set in stone. Now that he will have a new brother/sister I think it's important for him to not feel he is can only call on certain days . This also does not mean your partner should have him all the time either

If she is tired let her lie in and you and your son take off somewhere together and order takeaway later.