Too much?

Cali1978

Hi all. Just a quick one... I’m not into casual sex mainly because I have a bit of anxiety around STI’s. This makes getting into a relationship difficult. I think it’s something to take seriously. If we both want to be in a relationship, do you think I’m being unrealistic in wanting someone to get tested before having sex? Condoms break etc and I just couldn’t relax.. thanks.

LegacyUser

If a person wants to get into a trusting and committed relationship with you, you absolutely have the right to ask them to take an sti test.
They of course have the right to refuse but at that point you also have the right to say 'byebye'.
Before you embark on sleeping with someone, it's the mature thing to discuss sexual health risks and contraception.
If two people can't have that conversation, they shouldn't be getting into a sexual relationship together.
This really rings a bell for me because I had this conversation with a guy who I was about to get serious with (or do I thought). I asked him to go for a test. Of course I also said I'd get one too (this is only fair).
He basically told me no way, I was being ott and he even told me that he discussed it with a female friend who also concluded that I was ott.
This basically showed me that this guy was way too immature for my liking and we didn't last much longer.
My body, my right to protect my health.

Augme

It is perfectly normal to ask people to get tested when moving from sex with condoms to sex without condoms but there is no way I would be bothered getting tested just to have sex with condoms. You'd want to be extremely special/amazing for me to hold that level of interest so early on and I think most people would feel the same.

LegacyUser

You should always do what makes you comfortable

The Mighty Quinn

I'd concur with Augme.

It's just OTT to ask people to have STI tests when having protected sex, in my opinion. I know I wouldn't have signed up for it with women i've been with in the past, but have on occasion been tested when the decision was made to drop condoms.

I think your issue is anxiety. In my opinion you're making it a bigger thing than it is, and those encouraging you are helping reinforce your anxiety over the issue.

JeffKenna

Surely a clean STI test or condoms would be enough? Wanting both is just OTT.

leggo

Augme wrote: »

It is perfectly normal to ask people to get tested when moving from sex with condoms to sex without condoms but there is no way I would be bothered getting tested just to have sex with condoms. You'd want to be extremely special/amazing for me to hold that level of interest so early on and I think most people would feel the same.

Yeah this nails it. It's in fact the responsible thing to do to ask to get tested when you're planning not to use condoms. But to demand it when you're planning on using protection is probably a bit excessive. As someone else said, you're within your rights to do so and shouldn't feel pressured into a sexual situation you're uncomfortable with, but others aren't obliged to go along with it so yeah, it will make it more difficult to find a relationship.

Having said that, I probably would if someone I really liked asked, just because it's never any harm to get tested in general and it gives you both some peace of mind. So it's not as if you're ruling out every man alive.

I'd still suggest working on your anxiety here as it seems irrational and this is likely just one way it's coming out, as the relationship goes further and more questions are asked you're likely to bump into other things which also cause this anxiety to spike.

Loveinapril

JeffKenna wrote: »

Surely a clean STI test or condoms would be enough? Wanting both is just OTT.

Condoms don't protect against all STIs and as the OP says, they can split.

ManOfMystery

Loveinapril wrote: »

Condoms don't protect against all STIs and as the OP says, they can split.

That is true, and some (e.g. Herpes) can even be passed by as 'harmless' an activity as kissing.

There is an inherent risk of STDs from all sexual activity, and that has to be accepted - all people can do is minimise risk by using protection. Even an STD test will only be as good as the day it's done, if either person is then dating others or engaged in any other sexual activity it becomes worthless.

Unfortunately everyone has different standards for how much risk they are willing to accept (some are happy with protection, others like the OP want tests done) - so equally, unless the OP works on her anxiety around the issue, she is going to have to accept that there may be a very limited number of partners willing to meet that same standard.

LegacyUser

Have you been vaccinated against HPV, OP? Worth a discussion with your GP.