How to find a normal friend

LegacyUser

I'm a married lad with kids but I'm finding it pretty difficult to hang on to (or find) 'normal' lads who are able to get dressed and go for a casual chat or beer. By 'normal', I'm not being too fussy. I literally mean anyone who tunes into any news or sport, who has some kind of job or hobby, and doesn't just sit on social media staring at women all day. I don't care what music, religion, legal status or history they have.

Seems like everywhere I look guys are just getting weirder and weirder, and more and more recluse, while women seem to be getting more and more social.

Have I just been unlucky thus far? At the moment, I can't rely on any of my lads to come over when they say they will. They're full of cancellations, excuses, tiredness, or something else which has come up. When really, they're sitting at home in their boxers watching prank videos on Youtube feeling lonely and sorry for themselves. I don't know how women do it on the dating scene.

Thelonious Monk

It's not easy alright and your friends can wither away as you get older. I'm 39 now and my choices are few and far between these days. I mean I know some people I could get wasted with as that's all they seem to want to do but I don't really have many options beyond that.
What I'm doing to tackle this, albeit hard at the moment, is just trying to make a new social life for myself as much as I can, through interests of mine. I'm going to go to Toastmasters whenever it reopens and I make my own beer there are meet ups for that kind of thing where you can taste and discuss beers etc. Also sea kayaking is something I want to get into and there are places that do this not far from me. I'm going back to college at night later in the year too which will lead to more social interaction.
I've realised friends don't just fall into your life when you get older, you have to put yourself out there and do things, get out of your comfort zone. It may seem like a lot of hassle to you but as I said they're not just going to appear out of nowhere. So figure out what you are into and see if there's something you could do, I'm also thinking of taking up jiu jitsu (however you spell it), anything to keep me busy.
Obviously things are on hold now due to covid but I assume the world may go back to some kind of normal eventually and we can get on with things.

Purple Mountain

Wow, that's a real eye opener for a woman.
All the males I can think of in my life are all too busy with wives and babies to be sitting at home in their boxers watching YouTube.
Maybe it's your age, OP? I'm late 30s.
Anyhow, you do need to put yourself out there to meet a new crew who are at your level in life.
If you have kids yourself, they're a great boost to your social circle.
I've met a few nice parents standing on the side of a pitch who I could have struck up a friendship with but thankfully I've nice, mature friends.

shesty

Yeah....I was going to say are you the only one of your friends with kids??I can only assume you are, from that post....

Thelonious Monk

shesty wrote: »

Yeah....I was going to say are you the only one of your friends with kids??I can only assume you are, from that post....

Why does that even matter? Not everyone has kids and people with kids have friends without kids!

Dial Hard

In fairness, you'd have had a hard job getting anyone to come over when they said they would for the past 3.5 months, considering it wasn't allowed for most of that period.

Are these friends you've had a long time or relative newbies?

begbysback

Leaving the kids aside, op still has a point, it’s difficult to meet rational level headed people these days, we’re a dying breed, the increasing popularity of social media seems to be making people even more unbearable.

Tio07

I got married and had kids way before most people I knew around my age and it definitely meant my circle of friends drifted away. I was no longer as free and easy to go on the beer or do random stuff because I had other priorities. At the time it really frustrated me but looking back now I realise I had changed and a lot of my friends hadn’t. We were in two different places for the most part. But I also could have made more effort to stay in touch. Eventually I lost touch with a lot of them and the ones I do still stay in touch with would be at a distance really as we have moved on.

This can happen at various stages in life be it your first real relationship, marriage, kids, a new job etc.

We grow and change over time. I have a made a new group of friends in the last couple of years from different interests.

From that group I now have developed two close friendships and they like me are settled down, have kids and enjoy a bit of banter, we meet for coffee and regularly meet for breakfast as it is a time that generally works for us. Every so often we go for a few quite pints in the local and have a bit a craic. Our children have become friends and play together. Our wives are friendly enough but not overly close.

When you are busy with the comings and going’s of family life, It takes a bit of effort to maintain friendships but we click and have a laugh and it works for us.

As others have suggested take up some activities or join a club and chances are you will then naturally meet friends to socialise.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses everyone, there's some really good ideas there.

Yes, I think maybe the issue is that I'm only hitting 30 next year. So yes, I am the first of the lads to even get married, let alone have kids. Some of these friends have been there since childhood and some since college. I feel like a lot of lads are waiting until their late 30s or even early 40s to have kids these days so I'm caught between two different groups. I'm too young to socialise with the other dads (maybe?), and I'm too 'mature' (or whatever the word is) for the guys who are my age. I wish they knew that just because I have kids and a wife, it doesn't mean I can't go away for a weekend with them or go out for drinks. I think their thoughts is that once you have kids, that's it, you're in another club.

We bought a new house last year and not one of them came over for the house warming. I gave them nearly 2 months notice for the party. Then the birth of our daughter just before Covid and while I totally get why they weren't able to come over, a text would have been nice. Or a call to check in to see how it's going.

One of the suggestions to get out there and do a few more things is very true and in fairness I haven't put my all into that approach. I think I've been let down so many times I've given up hope which is no good because you just get resentful instead of creative about going about it in another way.

By contrast, my wife seems to find great friends so easily. They rallied around us when we were moving house, brought over lovely presents for the house warming and sent lovely things in the post. They're a mix of lads and girls. I get on really well with them but I suppose it feels weird that I can't manage to do it by myself. I don't know if you've seen the movie "I love you, man", but I feel like it's a bit like that! My wife is great, I'm so lucky so doesn't pass judgement on me because my friends never seem to want to hang out, but still I feel a bit nervous when the idea of house parties or BBQs come up because I know all her friends will come but mine won't.

Airyfairy12

I completely agree with you, I am early 30's, female with no children, I have one or two male friends that ive been friends with for over 10 years. Ive noticed, especially in the last couple of years, they never want to leave their house, they literally go to the shop for food and thats it. Ive asked them do they want to go for coffee or meet up for lunch or go for a walk but im met with cancellations, excuses and I havnt seen one of them since January. They sit at home in front of their computers all day everyday and when theyre away from their computers for too long, theyre moody and unpleasant to be around.
I meet up with female friends a couple of times a week.

As for your friends waiting till theyre mid 30's - 40's to have kids, they do realise that women their age will either already have settled down or will have great difficulty conceiving at that age? Are they hoping to find a nice mature, 25 year old woman to settle down with? Because very few 25 - 30 year old women want to be settling down with 40 year old men, they would want to have a lot going for them and by the sounds if it, they have very little to make them appealing to much younger women.

Lastly, stop blaming your marriage and kids for your lack of social life, thats not the problem, your friends are the problem, they made no effort with you or your family, not even a text when your daughter was born? Theyre not friends.

Can you join a local sports club? some volunteer organisations and community based projects are a great way to meet people

Purple Mountain

OP, I'm probably 15 years older than you.
I was first of my friends to have a child in my late 20s, didn't do the marriage thing myself.
You definitely do get into a different mindset when you 'settle down'.
I was lucky, I kept my friends and I always made sure to make time for them while putting my child first obviously.
But I was also put into another circle that I'd never have met if I wasn't a mum.
There's lovely people to be met at the creche door, the playschool open night and especially when the hobbies start at the pitches or the gyms etc. These people are at the same stage in life as yourself.
If you think your old crew are too immature, have a look around your local area and notice other new dads.
Are you hear a park or a playground?
Don't be shy to start up a conversation there.
It's terrible depending on our children to enhance our social circle but it's a reflection on where you're at in your life and hopefully you'll meet nice people that way.
And I know it's a few years off but I'd highly recommend when your child starts school and hobbies, volunteer to take a role for a year. Parents Council, GAA coach etc.
I did this and while I didn't make 'friends' (I have a lovely group anyway), there was social activities for parents and a great way to meet adult company and if I had wanted I'm sure I could have invited to meet up with someone for a coffee.

Thelonious Monk

Jasus men are getting a rough time in this thread ffs

943

I am finding the same issues and I don't have kids nor am I married.... I feel like even before covid there is always excuses or just no interest in getting out and doin anything. Not just drinking but anything. Always texting first, always being the giver always wondering why I put up with crap people just to have someone to hang out with.

All through lockdown my friends were like oh I can't wait till this is over, I will never take our time for granted again etc. This week each of them came over and sat scrolling on fb instead of talking..... I felt so small.

I am also close to 30 - I think this is an age thing, not a family thing. It is just very hard to find someone who will sit and chat and have a laugh with anymore.

Augme

Have you ever asked yourself why ALL of your friends don't want to spend time with you?

I mean, you can sit there and say it is because they are all sitting in their boxers watching prank videos but st the end of the day they all seem to taken to avoiding you.

I don't mean this to be a dig but it is worth asking yourself that. When I looked at what you wanted in a friend I couldn't help but ask myself - why would I bother? Unless you think you have some amazing insight into football, sports or hobbies/ the latest going in then what would I actually get spending a few hours in your company? Maybe your friends have realised that all you are interested in is talking AT someone for a few hours to so you can be less bored and maybe they just aren't interested in being used like that any more?

I could be completely wrong on that one, but it is something that struck me from your post OP.

JupiterKid

I find this thread interesting as it is usually the other way around to the dilemma of the OP - married friends with kids not having the time to meet up when you are single. I know as I've been there in the past myself.

It sounds like you are - despite being married with a small child - the one to maintain contact and make the effort to meet up with your mates - and given your responsibilities and commitments as a family man, that is very admirable - but you really need to ask yourself are any of these supposed friendships worth holding on to? It seems that your "friends" are the ones with the problems, not you.

I think it was mentioned in the thread that none of these mates bothered to even send you a text congratulating you on the birth of your daughter - that is a serious red flag for the friendship in my book if they simply weren't even bothered to make that gesture.

I am a gay man, mid 40s, in a LTR and most of my old mates are now long since married with kids and settled down. But they all still make the effort to meet up and hang out.

It seems like it may indeed be an age-related thing. I have heard that many young adults in their 20s and early 30s have become far too absorbed in social media and being online all the time - and that is deeply unhealthy in having any sort of a proper social life. The first clinics for internet addiction have been up and running for about a decade and apparently they are bursting at the seams...

So OP I would try to widen your social circle in terms of neighbours and your community. I would also lay it on the line with your supposed mates.

Warbeastrior

Some say there's a bit of an identity crisis for young men nowadays. A lot of the issues we suffer from are overlooked or scoffed at.

Ultima Thule

You read as being a bit judgemental. Maybe they've grown tired of it.

Oink

I used to have a great group of friends, and that was one of the happy times in my life. But one day I realised that I was the only one making an effort, so I took the hint and moved on. Maybe you should do the same.

Your best bet is to join clubs etc. to widen your circle of acquaintances. You will meet people with shared interests, and that should be a great start.

Come to think of it, that’s a foolproof way to meet people who like setting foot outside the house to start with!

JustAThought

OP - sorry to hear about the predicament you are in.

Can I ask if your friendships hd comprised previously of going round to your friends houses and hanging out or if you all used go to a pub: pubs together? You say they don’t come round to your house or make endless excuses when you ask them over or are no shows. The covid makes
it difficult but is it the same when you want to meet them in pubs or if they ask you over? Or did you still do that before the covid? Or did you always meet by dropping in to someones flat and then drinking there all day? Maybe just this stage of your life is past because you now have a different track and are not emotionally available or free to look at the internet all day or talk about women. Is this what you used do
with your friends every time you met?

Regarding your house (congratulations!!) It could be that your house is too expensive/ far away for them to get to by taxi to make it ‘worth while’ getting to for a drink/ few drinks. You can’t drink and drive, busses/public transport is tricky at the moment and its no fun going to someones house for a beer or two and then having the rest
of the day to kill boozed up with a high taxi fare l both ways into the mix. And its not as though they can just hang out and let the night evolve - there is your baby and wife to consider and no doubt when their needs call you naturally put them first and the guest is obliged to sit and squirm or inevitably to just pack up and call it a night . Sure its easy on you and convenient for you but what is it delivering to them that they can’t get without the apronstrings or restrictions elsewhere with more craic and longevity gauranteed?

I guess is your wife/ child (congratulations!!) iN when you want them to call over for a daytime/ a nights drinking - would you expect her to sit alone in another room while you hang out or do
you want her to sit sober in on the craic and conversation? Either one is a bit odd for her and neither is very comfortable for a third party to be sitting in on - I would suggest that no wonder a third space is a better option.

i would suggest that maybe your paths have converged at the moment which is hurtful and dissappointing but that could change again in the future as they mature or get girlfriends or want to save for a house and have a dawning on the merits of drinking at home and hanging out to save cash. Until then I’d tey and keep
it light with them and see if you can plan a night away from your house, baby and girlfriend with them where you keep the conversation light and they remember the friendship as it was. No doubt it will be more inconvenient and expensive for you and you will be solo without your gf/wife but it seems to be that is they way they prefer it.

As regards them not congratulating you on your baby I father you did you tell them - individually - and if they didn’t bother replying or texting you then that IS a big ted flag. If you didn’t feel them important enough to text or tell or share the moment with man to man then is that really a friendship and perhaps they felt unimportant and irrelevant and so didn’t bother. I know that when friends I had didn’t explicitly text, send a card even a few months after or call to tell me their big news that other friends knew about I definately felt extremely left out and hurt and made excuses for them but it was not the same after and I certainly stopped making an effort although this may not be the case in your case.

As regards friends with babies/ children I
do find that they often want the facility of friendship but expect others to out in all the commute and adjustment effort to facilitate them - perhaps have a look at the times you have called:asked them over - is this what you have been doing?

I also find that being in a couple people often talk and appear as a single unit expecting nothing to have changed despite there being another person there nodding and smiling and listening in - there is a huge thread on partners sharing their friends and their personal details with their other halves at the moment and how people react to
it - it might be well worth you reading as the views are very polarised and extremely heated! Also hanging out with a mate is a very different to sitting in someone couch with their wife and baby in the room/closeby - it is a totally different dynamic and far less craic that you may assume for them no matter how cute the baby (or wife!)

+1 for expanding your circle of friends while not burning bridges with the others. I have different ‘buckets’ of ‘new’ friends - sport, volunteering, etc but none of them ever blend or come over to the house for BBQ’s - that seems to be reserved for childhood /school friends when we go back to our parents houses at Christmas or they
come ‘home’ from abroad to their parents house - I don’t know why - maybe its a power thing or a familiar thing or a subliminal jealousy thing or they’re just not happy staying in to
go out thing - it just never happens - you are not alone in that either!

Its very hard when friends change or friendships begin to drift and fall apart - you may find in a few
years it will come right again for
you and them as they marry/have children and their goals and perspectives change - don’t burn your bridges with them. Wait until the pubs are reopen and arrange an occasional night out - out out - and leave it at that - then the door can always be reopened again.

ManOfMystery

It sounds to me OP that these weren't real 'friends' per se, but drinking buddies.

This distinction always tends to become more apparent when real life circumstances naturally happen - getting older, getting married, buying a house, having kids, etc.

Friends will be there to enjoy these moments with you, because the most important thing to them is your friendship.

Drinking buddies will disappear off the radar because the moment important thing to them is drinking regularly in a group of likeminded individuals, and they view these natural life progressions as obstacles to that happening.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. We would have been close at a point in time. We lived together in Ireland, J1s in America, traveled through Thailand and so on. We always tried to balance beer with culture/education like museums and history tours etc. Holidays stopped after I got engaged (when I announced that they turned quite cold. They didn't like my girlfriend at the time because she has a strong foreign accent and apparently I'm not myself around her which is absolute nonsense).

A couple of them went to New York without telling the rest of us. Another one went on his own on a trip to Belgium. I found out via social media which is fine I suppose (I can't exactly expect them to tell me about every holiday they're going).

My house is far away, Justathought, you are right there. It's further than anyone could take a taxi to but it has good public transport. I just feel like if a friend got a house or had a baby I would be delighted to have something different or positive to talk to them about. Travel wouldn't be an issue.

In terms of sharing the news of our baby - I decided to text family members directly and share news on Facebook for everyone else.

I suppose, at the end of the day, we can try to figure out why the door closed, or how to reopen the door, or we can just walk through another one. I shouldn't get so upset about it. I don't know why I'm not like other guys who wouldn't even think about this. They'd just see friends being a bit crap and move instantly on to something new. Meanwhile, I waste years trying to figure it all out and mastermind someway to revive it. Stupid really. My mother suffered from this her whole life and had she not passed away so young, she'd probably be telling me to wise up and move on.

Thelonious Monk

Nearly all friends are transient in life, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Let them go, it sounds like hassle. Just try and carve out a life you enjoy, no point moping about friends who are no longer available.

5555555555

I would guess either you are boring or unpleasant company.

You might not even be aware of it.

Hannibal_Smith

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Vicxas

I can feel your pain OP, im mid 30's married with 2 kids and i find it nearly impossible to find or make new friends, even just to sit down and play Playstation with.

I took it upon myself to get out of my comfort zone, but with lockdown its all gone back to square one.

Are you based near a city? Can you find any hobbies near you?

ILoveYourVibes

D2TTT wrote: »

Seems like everywhere I look guys are just getting weirder and weirder, and more and more recluse, while women seem to be getting more and more social.

As a woman i have noticed this.

Could you have female friends?

December2012

So you say that they could come and see your place and go home in a taxi or public transport. By that rationale, you could go see them and get a taxi home or public transport. Has that ever happened since you moved?

I also echo the sentiments about making public announcements on Facebook. If you want a personal connection, Facebook is not the way to do it. At the very least a text message prompts a direct response. Facebook prompts a "like"

LegacyUser

D2TTT wrote: »

A couple of them went to New York without telling the rest of us. Another one went on his own on a trip to Belgium. I found out via social media which is fine I suppose (I can't exactly expect them to tell me about every holiday they're going).
.

D2TTT wrote: »

Seems like everywhere I look guys are just getting weirder and weirder, and more and more recluse, while women seem to be getting more and more social.

So are they recluses who just sit on their computers or are they going out but excluding you OP? It sounds like you've just moved on from these friendships and you struggle making new ones. I don't think women or men are better or worse for making or keeping friends, I think some people are better at letting friendship go and understanding people can come in and out of your life at various points and for different lengths of time while others hold on to friendships from a set point and don't really make new ones. Neither is bad option but everyone needs to be on the same page.

My brother is still close with his friends from school even now in his late 30s, they do play online video games together but also meet socially and go away together while I didn't stay in touch with anyone I went to school with, I've moved around a lot and made friends as i went, some I've stayed in touch with others I was very close to for a while but when things changed like location or job we drifted apart, it happens.

If you want people to find people you get on with then do the things you enjoy and meet people via those interests rather than trying to force friendships.

martin101

I can see where the OP is coming from. I'm 40 and with two young kids. I felt like I'm always making the effort with my friends, we have a very small group who are friends since school but I feel like I've not much in common with them anymore. I've always been big into sports but my friends weren't. But we always had the pub and that's all we ever did. When I was younger I could exercise and drink but as you all know the older you get you can't do that. I was never a huge drinker and even less so now. My mates just drink and that seems to be all they are interested in. In the last 5 years I joined an over 35s football team and now I'm also in a local running club. I still stay in touch with my old friends but I don't make the effort as much with them anymore as I felt it was mostly one sided. And now with my wife, kids, football and running I'm always on the go, friendships should be 50/50, mine aren't so I don't bother as much anymore. So OP maybe join a club or two, keep busy and you will meet new people. There's plenty of lovely decent people out there. You might not meet life long friends but you will be kept busy and meet new people who have the same interests as you.