I can't move on from relationship

LegacyUser

I split with my boyfriend of just over a year about 2 months ago. I don’t really blame him for breaking up with me. I was in a good place when I met him and after maybe 6 months together I started to slide into a place mentally where I just kind of lost the will to do very much. I think I was kind of self sabotaging the relationship because of some deep rooted issues that I can’t be loved and someone can’t find me attractive. It’s not the first time I’ve done this in a great relationship. So I put on some weight and lost interest in sex and I started drinking too much this year and just not treating myself very well at all. He told me that I had put up walls and pushed him away. I didn’t understand what he meant at the time but of course it all makes sense now retrospectively. Anyway when he eventually pulled the plug, my self realising prophecy was completed and I guess my subconscious got what it wanted. I was absolutely gutted and still am.
I have met him since, 3 weeks ago, to collect some stuff. I explained everything about how I had let myself go and how my thought patters had just left me a bit of a mess and maybe a bit depressed even. He did listen and he’s happy I’m working on these issues now but he said it’s something I had to do on my own. I said maybe we could meet in a few weeks and talk again, but he said it’d be more like months that you can’t change habits overnight. He’s right I guess.
Anyway part of me is clinging on to this, I want to email him and tell him all the things I’m doing now. I’ve gotten back to being fit and in good shape, back to jogging and the gym (I’m in Holland they’re open here), I’m going to therapy once a week, I have drank twice in the 2 months and only a couple of glasses of wine each time. I’ve signed up to finish the degree at night I started a few years ago. I’m doing things instead of talking and thinking about them. I’ve got more done around the house and garden in the last while than I have in years. I’ve realised I need to live in a certain way to stay happy.
Anyway I can’t let go of the relationship. I know I’m doing really well now but I can’t stop thinking about us getting back together. I’m afraid if I get in touch with him there’ll just be more rejection and I’m scared of that.
How do you finally let go? It eats away at me every waking moment. I’m so annoyed with myself for doing things all wrong, again. I really loved him, and still do. We had such an amazing time and so much in common until the last few months. Part of me is just clinging on to the fact that he said “in a few months” when I mentioned meeting up again. Does that mean he sees a future for us?
I doubt he does as he’s a driven committed person with no time for bullsh*t. I don’t know what to do, I’m in real pain and it wont go away. I'm 38 now and feel like it was my last chance, and I can't believe I messed up with someone who was exactly what I wanted.
Sorry for the length and thanks for reading.

cannotlogin

Until you address the undying issues like self sabotage, there's no point in you getting back together even if he wanted to because if you don't resolve that, you'll continue to self sabotage again even if it's not in the same way.

You might be better of working on whatever is causing you to behave that way, before you enter into any relationship again.

LegacyUser

cannotlogin wrote: »

Until you address the undying issues like self sabotage, there's no point in you getting back together even if he wanted to because if you don't resolve that, you'll continue to self sabotage again even if it's not in the same way.

You might be better of working on whatever is causing you to behave that way, before you enter into any relationship again.

Hi. Yes I'm doing all I possibly can to address this issue. I just seem to have something seared into my brain that all things mustn't end well. And if I don't recognise these things while they're happening it can be too late sometimes. I intend to keep up therapy for the rest of my life if I have to. It was all so obvious to me what was happening as soon as I got the kick in the ass that was the breakup. It kind of makes it harder to accept when I can see exactly where it went wrong, stupidity on my part from not snapping myself out of it before it was too late.
I'm reading all kinds of books and finally getting my arse in gear with loads of things I had been ignoring. I can't go back to living how I was or I'll never be happy.
I guess I'm just pining after him the whole time. Some days are better than others. Today I'm pretty devastated over it all and I miss him so much. Then I beat myself up for pushing him away. I mean the guy probably wants nothing to do with me ever again. Although our post breakup meetings, there were 2, were handled quite well from both of us.

bitofabind

The pining is normal, it's only been two months. That's no time at all. I think what you have to do is accept that you will have these feelings, let them pass through you, cry when you need to cry but invest 100% in getting to the heart of these deep-rooted issues as a matter of priority. You're doing all of the right things - fair play to you - but my sense is you want to be able to show that off to him like a child, "look, I'm all fixed!" as opposed to doing it entirely for yourself and as a means of critical personal growth for you that will prevent this relationship pattern of shutting others out from happening again.

As to his comment, I think it's meaningless and he was being kind / trying not to make things awkward, being honest. We're probably all guilty of that in breakups, acknowledging that this is the end - full stop - we'll never see each other again - is incredibly painful and harsh with someone we love and care for. I wouldn't hold onto it as having any greater meaning than that.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

The pining is normal, it's only been two months. That's no time at all. I think what you have to do is accept that you will have these feelings, let them pass through you, cry when you need to cry but invest 100% in getting to the heart of these deep-rooted issues as a matter of priority. You're doing all of the right things - fair play to you - but my sense is you want to be able to show that off to him like a child, "look, I'm all fixed!" as opposed to doing it entirely for yourself and as a means of critical personal growth for you that will prevent this relationship pattern of shutting others out from happening again.

As to his comment, I think it's meaningless and he was being kind / trying not to make things awkward, being honest. We're probably all guilty of that in breakups, acknowledging that this is the end - full stop - we'll never see each other again - is incredibly painful and harsh with someone we love and care for. I wouldn't hold onto it as having any greater meaning than that.

Yeah, I know all these things deep down. I don't believe he has any interest any more, but part of me just wont let it go, it's really hard to.
I have to do all these fixing myself things anyway, or I'll never be happy, but someone I loved so much is gone right now and it feels like I'm grieving someone.
I'm so disappointed with myself and just jaded from all this pain. One minute we're talking about kids and I'm doing things with his family and now it's just nothing. I can't see how I'll ever get over this right now. I am such a bloody fool.

bitofabind

pussinbootz wrote: »

Yeah, I know all these things deep down. I don't believe he has any interest any more, but part of me just wont let it go, it's really hard to.
I have to do all these fixing myself things anyway, or I'll never be happy, but someone I loved so much is gone right now and it feels like I'm grieving someone.
I'm so disappointed with myself and just jaded from all this pain. One minute we're talking about kids and I'm doing things with his family and now it's just nothing. I can't see how I'll ever get over this right now. I am such a bloody fool.

You'll get over it. Everyone does. It's a break-up and it's incredibly painful and in a sense it's a horrible kind of grief because the person you love so much still exists in the world, you just can't see him or have him in your life anymore. I totally empathise. Most of us have been there.

The good news is these painful feelings don't kill you. They can spur on growth and change, and you've already took so many position steps in that direction with the fitness, therapy, etc. Takes many people years to start that process. Try not to numb yourself to the pain though because it's completely necessary not to shut down to those to get to the root of this so you can have healthy relationships in the future. I'd recommend bringing up this pattern of withdrawal in relationships with your therapist.

Faith

Well done for all the changes you have made! I think your ex sounds quite insightful. It's important that we make changes for ourselves, not for other people. Unfortunately, if you go emailing him and telling him how you've changed, you're demonstrating that you did it for him and not you. I'd advise committing to making changes for yourself. Forget about him for now. Let him go (much easier said that done, I know!).

You may never get back together with him, but at least you'll be in a much better place for the next relationship you have.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Well done for all the changes you have made! I think your ex sounds quite insightful. It's important that we make changes for ourselves, not for other people. Unfortunately, if you go emailing him and telling him how you've changed, you're demonstrating that you did it for him and not you. I'd advise committing to making changes for yourself. Forget about him for now. Let him go (much easier said that done, I know!).

You may never get back together with him, but at least you'll be in a much better place for the next relationship you have.

Well I mean he just said the same thing I'd say to anyone. Get your sh*t together for yourself. And yeah while I'm spurred on by rejection to a certain extent, I know it needs doing.
I feel better today, somewhat, yesterday was a nightmare, my brain just wouldn't shut up about the whole situation. Trying to plot ways to get back with him etc. But in reality I wont be contacting him again, and looking at it objectively I know it's 100% over. You would at least tell someone what you need from them and what has to be done to save the relationship if you didn't want it finished for good, but there was none of that, just sorry but we're finito.
I'm happy with myself as to how different my life looks now to how it did a couple of months ago, I just worry that I may slip into the same unhealthy patterns in future if I get into a relationship. I should be old enough to know better by now, and I've realised that I need constant work, for the rest of my life, not just until I meet someone new, which seemed to be how I was living my life up until this point.

LegacyUser

I thought I should also add, that the last few months he had thought I didn't fancy him, and I didn't want him, and that I was unsure as to what I wanted and he was sick of rejection etc.
I get why he felt this way though, but in reality I fancied the arse off him, but I just stopped liking myself after letting myself slide into a bad frame of mind. And this meant I couldn't fancy anyone really. It's funny how a couple of months of looking after yourself can make such a difference though .

Porklife

Faith wrote: »

Well done for all the changes you have made! I think your ex sounds quite insightful. It's important that we make changes for ourselves, not for other people. Unfortunately, if you go emailing him and telling him how you've changed, you're demonstrating that you did it for him and not you. I'd advise committing to making changes for yourself. Forget about him for now. Let him go (much easier said that done, I know!).

You may never get back together with him, but at least you'll be in a much better place for the next relationship you have.

Great post! Really well said.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Well done for all the changes you have made! I think your ex sounds quite insightful. It's important that we make changes for ourselves, not for other people. Unfortunately, if you go emailing him and telling him how you've changed, you're demonstrating that you did it for him and not you. I'd advise committing to making changes for yourself. Forget about him for now. Let him go (much easier said that done, I know!).

You may never get back together with him, but at least you'll be in a much better place for the next relationship you have.

Thanks Faith, I have to make these changes no matter what I know. Last time we met he didn't seem convinced that I wanted him and that I was really into him. I am though, I really am. This is why it kind of feels wrong to just let it go and not contact any more. I know I wont hear from him because why would you contact someone you don't think is interested in you? Isn't it up to me to convince him otherwise?
I'm having a rough day today about the whole thing and had an email drafted trying to further explain myself but I didn't send it, yet. I'm still not sure if it's the best thing to do, it has been 3 weeks tomorrow since we met and it was an amicable meet, I'm really confused as to what to do.