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Issues with sibling - not sure what to do to mend relationship

  • 25-06-2020 2:07pm
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    Myself and my sister have been living together for the last few years. I love where I am living and have so much privacy,comfort, ensuite etc, but the rent is extremely high (just under 50% of my earnings) and I am attempting to save for a mortgage. Around a year ago a friend of mine mentioned that one of her housemates would be moving out next year and his room would be available. The rent is less than half of what I am paying now. Of course that means a tiny room and sharing a bathroom with three others. But I really am wanting to save money.

    I mentioned this to my sister several times over the last few months and stressed that the only factor was that I would be able to save much more money. She said she was fine with me moving, so I agreed to take the room. A few weeks after this my sister started being very cold with me. Not looking at me when I speak to her, only giving one word monotone answers. It's been months of this now (I still live with her until next month). Each time I try to speak about it and try to sort it out she says she doesn't want to speak to me.

    I am very upset over this and upset at the fact that a decision I made has hurt her. I don't know what to do. I got so frustrated today that I just demanded that we we talk and sort this out because I can't live like this with so much tension. She again said she doesn't want to talk to me and that she was perfectly fine with never speaking to me and that as we wouldn't be living together she wouldn't have to deal with it at all soon. I got angry and said that I am glad that I will not be living with her soon. I shouldn't have said that but I am beyond frustrated at this point.

    I can understand why she is feeling hurt, but I did tell her many times that the only reason was the difference in rent and nothing to do with living with her. She sees the situation as me being completely in the wrong, and maybe I am? I am desperate to get my own place that I chose saving money over living with her?

    I'm confused over the whole situation and just looking for advice. I love my sister and hate this situation that I created, but how can I mend the relationship if she won't speak to me?
    I tried to just let it all settle out the first month, but that didn't work.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,029 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    I love my sister and hate this situation that I created, but how can I mend the relationship if she won't speak to me?

    You can't. Well not by apologising and try getting her to talk to you anyway.

    All you can do now is move on. You've made a decision that is the best decision for you. Renting with your sister was ever going to be a permanent setup. Someone was always going to move on at some point.

    Don't apologise any more. Don't attempt to talk to her. By going back to her all the time you are giving her the power of holding this over you.

    You've made your decision. It is the best decision for you for your future. So "own it" as people say these days! Your sister will come round eventually. But the longer you make it an issue and try to "mend" something that you haven't actually broken the longer she can stretch out her attention seeking strop.

    Have you started looking for someone to takeover your room?

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    Have you started looking for someone to takeover your room?

    Thank you for your reply.

    She said she doesn't want to responsibility of bills being in her name (I dealt with all of that and they are all in my name) so wants to find a room to rent somewhere else. I think she will move home to our parents if she doesn't find somewhere by the time the lease is up. She is working from home until at least September so can move home if needed.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,029 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    None of that is your responsibility.

    You do need to decide of you are both moving out of the rented accommodation and to give reasonable notice to your landlord. When you move you need to make sure you close all accounts in your name for that property. She needs to decide if she is moving or staying that way you know whether you are replacing one house mate or vacating the property.

    If she doesn't speak to you about it contact the landlord. Give him your notice and if he asks about her tell him the truth. That you don't know what she's doing and maybe he'd be better off contacting her directly.

  • Registered Users Posts: 449 ✭✭Pistachio19

    Make sure you take your name off all utility accounts. Whether she takes them over is up to her. She can choose to sit in the dark with no hot water if she wants but it's not your responsibility to set the bills up in her name. She'll have to set up direct debits herself if she stays on.