How can I listen better or is she just awkward?

LegacyUser

Anon

So basically there is this girl who is the sun moon and the stars to me. But she says I'm a bad listener and basically not "only you are hurt in this"

I hurt her by my actions recently and she is doing her best to forgive me.

She has put me at the bottom of her list of priorities and I'm fighting for her time (surely she sees that) I might get maybe an hour or two once a week at the moment. Tonight for example I'm driving 35mins to her to walk to lidl with her. Surely she see's that as a lad making effort.

I guess I did put myself in the center of the emotional spotlight the past few weeks. I need to make space for her to be comfortable in there too. Let her speak her mind.

I miss her company intensely. I long to wake up to her and tell her about my day. She says I dont disclose enough. I find it hard to understand how much to tell her when she doesn't tell me what she wants. I understand I should have my own direction. Killer for the head at the moment tbh. Bit lost

Dial Hard

I'm not sure anyone can advise you based on what you've posted, tbh.

We need a bit more context on what you did/didn't do to upset her. As it stands, she could be just a drama queen or you could have been seriously out of line. No way to tell based on what you've given us.

Hannibal_Smith

You've kind of answered it yourself OP. 'I need to make space for her to be comfortable in there too. Let her speak her mind'.

That's it. Whatever has happened, take a breath and listen to what she has to say. You don't have to like it, but if it's an important relationship take the time to hear it.

I don't know how you hurt her, if it's serious she could need time. See how you go this evening. If she's willing to talk, listen. If she's not tell her you're ready to listen when she does.

If you feel whatever it was was a little thing and she's blowing it out of proportion that's another issue.

Jurgen Klopp

To be honest it's far too vague lad. You could have genuinely fecked up or she could be just a messer and not too into you, you really need to describe what happened.

cannotlogin

As other posters have said, it's hard to know but if your verbal communication is as vague or unclear as your written communication, she might have a point.

She could also be over the top but can't tell based on your post.

Augme

Obviously I don't know why you did but either way she sounds quite controlling. No matter what you did getting someone to drive 35 minutes just to walk to lidl with then is strange to say the least and not the sign of maturity.

By enabling this behaviour you aren't helping her or you either. Allowing your self to be treated in such a manner doesn't say much for your own self respect either. All in all the only thing doesn't sound very healthy at all.

Porklife

Augme wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire preceeding post.

I was thinking the same thing. I would actually lose respect for a guy if he did that just to appease me. The fact it's walking to Lidl makes it all the more grim! At least if it was a walk through the park or something. I think it's safe to say a shopping isle is the only isle you pair will ever walk down together 😀

bobbysands81

openyourears wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire OP.

You need to start by communicating all this to her instead of typing it on here (not having a cut at you, but this is exactly what she should be hearing from you).

Best of luck.

Nicky88

openyourears wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire OP.

You sound like a loser. She should dump you.

wirelessdude01

How long have you been with her? To be honest she does sound like quite the drama queen. Restricting you to an hour or two a week is not a relationship or the foundation of a relationship. I don't care what you did to her, she shouldn't think that this is an acceptable way to respond. It comes off as very child like.

Big Bag of Chips

Nicky88,

Red card for breach of forum charter. Please familiarise yourself with the rules of posting in PI. Next moderator action will be a ban from the forum.

TheBoyConor

Sounds like you are "making the effort" by just crawling for her and being her doormat and she seems happy to let you do it. i don't know is she getting some kind of kick out of it. Being like that is not an attractive look.

You're opening line of "thining the earth moon and stars of her" is just you pedestelising her and a pretext to your willingness to grovel in the hope that she will choose you or something.

Tbh, even with this scant information, the whole thing sounds toxic and she sounds like one of these sorts that makes a guy jump through hoops on the pretense of proving he can make an effort, when the reality is she is only entertaining herself to see what levels of grovelling you are willing to stoop to.

My advice is to finish whatever it is. Sounds like a narcissist.

Xterminator

well it sounds to me like the OP has been 'sent to coventry'!

without knowing what he did, and if its well deserved, how can anyone decide the girlfriend is a narcissist or a drama queen?

OP if you are unhappy with the relationship then end it. if you want to continue the relationship then fight for it, and show her you are willing to put in the effort, and assure her that you wont repeat whatever mistake or infidelity that has caused the rift.

TheBoyConor

This thing of fighting for a relationship. I cannot stand it, it is nonsense of the highest order.

Either 2 people want to be together, or they don't. One person wanting a relationship and the other doesn't then "fighting for it" is a load of bull that could in some cases be viewed as harassment. If whoever you fancy doesn't want a relationship at all, or any more, then you take you scolding and you move on, not linger around fighting for it and trying to entice them to change their mind.

bitofabind

Did you post in PI recently about being separated and your gf throwing a tantrum as a way of testing if you were going to fight for her? Apologies if not but your language sounds the same.

If so, your gf is acting like a toddler and you're just enabling her by bending to her every whim. If there's an issue in a relationship, you talk about it like adults, no one party is 'better' than any other party in any relationship anywhere and acting like she's right and you're wrong is setting you up for another fall down the line.

If not, well then we need more information on these actions that hurt her. But testing a partner like this is pretty poor conflict resolution. She either needs space and you grant her that or you sit down like adults and talk through your issues and make a decision one way or the other.

leggo

I can’t tell you if she’s a narcissist and frankly nobody can based off that. It’s crazy enough for anyone to say that with any level of certainty if you’d given us a day by day account of your relationship because we’re not doctors and only judging your side of things, never mind one vague post with not much info about what’s causing the issue.

The only impression I get based off what you say is that maybe she’s just not that fussed and nitpicking at you because she vaguely likes having someone around. Maybe you are intense and coming off clingy travelling for her to walk to Lidl. But with the info that exists maybe she’s besotted with you and you don’t listen. I guess whether you post more info will be the test of that...

kerry cow

sounds like you jumped the fence or milked outside the bucket .
no wonder she's not giving to the joy