Years of saying not interested

LegacyUser

Hi all


Have an issue that I was hoping I could get advice on.

For about 10+ years now, my older sibling's friend has had a thing for me. The feeling is not mutual. I see him like a brother and have zero intentions of ever going on a date with him.

In the past I have told him out-straight no, I am not interested and that I see him as a brother. Some occasions he has gotten angry with me, and I've often had drunken texts late at night where he is pissed off at me. My own sibling thinks I should just go on the date and has at times let his friend text me off his phone and I am getting really p!ssed off at this crap. For years I have just ignored messages, and at one point he even blocked me off social media because he was annoyed that I wouldn't go out with him. For reference, we are over 30.

Recently I was with my sibling who was at a small gathering of his friends (socially distanced of course) and this friend was there. I barely spoke to him because I'm always conscious of possibly giving him the wrong idea and since then he has been sending me messages again, and ringing my phone. I just ignored, because I'm sick of having to deal with this over and over again. I am fuming at myself for going to the gathering because now this pestering has started again.

So after he sent yet another a text I decided that ignoring this problem isn't going to make it go away. So I replied and asked what he wanted. He made small chit chat and then asked if I would ever like to go on a walk as friends. I told him that being friends is not what I would like, and reiterated that I'm not interested in him romantically, and I see him like a brother. He said, oh yes of course that's no problem. We can go on a walk just as friends, and that he understands that. I didn't reply because I just don't believe that he wants to "just be friends" with me. To be truthful, I find it all creepy and annoying now, and I'm wondering how many times do I have to say no before the message actually sinks in?

He has now sent me another text today with some random link to a band I have never heard of, with no message included. I just ignored again. I don't know what else I can do except block him now at this point. I've spoken to my sibling in the past about it and told him I'm not comfortable with this, but he just laughs it off and tells me I should cop on and just go on one date and that he "has loads of money" which p!ssed me off even more. I couldn't care less about the bank account of any man.

This whole thing is making me feel really anxious and I would love some advice.

Truthvader

AnonPoster wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the entire post

This does not sound good. Block and run.

Purple Mountain

He's a pest, pure and simple.
Smells of desperation too.
How low can someone go when they are constantly been told no, it's totally inappropriate.
You need to sit your brother down and show him how uncomfortable you are and that this is totally inappropriate.
Ask your brother to stand up for you and tell this guy in no uncertain terms to back off, delete your number and never approach you again.
You also need to block this guy's number and social media access to your accounts.
My skin actually crawled reading your description of him.

Das Reich

Maybe you are losing an opportunity to stay with a good person that like you why not give him a chance.

Batgurl

If you take away the fact that he is your brothers friend and you would consider him an acquaintance, this guy is harassing you.

If a stranger started harassing you this way, I’m sure you would call the Gardai and report him. This is what you need to do here.

It will help your case infinitely if you have proof (old messages etc).

I’m sure you are worried about what others will think of you if you report him but the guy sounds disturbed so best to get it on the record.

pwurple

Ew, very cringey there.

Your brother is a bit of a fantasist here and it sounds like he wants this fellow as a brother in law instead of standing up for you.

Does this guy think you are playing hard to get? You sound very polite, maybe it's time for the straight talk with your brother. Swap "I'm not interested" to "he bloody disgusts me".

I think someone on your side might help too, a bit if backup. Another friend, a partner or your parents.

Truthvader

Das Reich wrote: »

Maybe you are losing an opportunity to stay with a good person that like you why not give him a chance.

If only needy was attractive

Loveinapril

Das Reich wrote: »

Maybe you are losing an opportunity to stay with a good person that like you why not give him a chance.

Because she does not want to.

OP, you need to have a serious chat with your brother about this. Tell him clearly that you do not want to hear anything about his friend and that it is making you feel really uncomfortable. It is harassment! You then need to be really clear with this fella that he is making you feel uncomfortable and you are asking that he not contact you again. Block him if necessary but this has been going on far too long. You need to get your brother to understand that he is encouraging this friend which is leaving you feeling anxious and uncomfortable. It is not acceptable.

Big Bag of Chips

Why have you not blocked him yet? Block him on everything. Don't converse with him. Don't tell him he's like a brother to you. Don't engage. At all.

Tell your brother to stop letting him text you from his phone. Tell him (your brother) that you have blocked him and have no desire to be in contact with him. Tell him if he allows his friend to use his phone to bypass the blocked number that you will contact the Gardaí and report it as harassment.

But, if you say this and it happens, then you must go to the Gardaí.

Before you block him, you may need to send him a text with a clear message to not contact you again. And then block his number. If you go to the Gardaí about him harassing you they may ask if you've asked him to stop contacting you.

Big Bag of Chips

Truthvader wrote: »

If only needy was attractive

TruthVader, this is not the first time you have offered this particular brand of "advice" in the Personal Issues forum. And it falls below the standard of posting expected.

Please familiarise yourself with The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues or Relationship Issues again.

LegacyUser

OP here.

I come from an all male family (all extremely passive men), and they think its funny his obsession with me. Even my own father has laughed about it. They all just think "ah he's harmless sure dont mind him".

With respect to the poster who told me to give him a chance. I cant make myself like him. I dont have any attraction to him whatsoever. Also, his behaviour toward me over the years has obliterated any chance of a date even if I wanted to give it a go.

I dont have any social media pages now except for one, and he's not on that site thankfully. My page is set to private so I'm not worried about that. He had left me alone for ages when I was seeing someone, but then I blocked him from whatsapp when he started this drunken pestering last November. I spoke to my brother then and hit the roof over it and everything went quiet. Now he is texting my actual phone. I never gave him my number either which I will assume he got from my brother.

Clearly my brother is playing a part in all of this, because he thinks it's all harmless and that I'm being a dramatic woman who wont give his best buddy a chance. That's probably a bigger issue for another thread.

lozenges

Tell him by text that you consider the repeated contact to be harassment and that if it continues you will report it to the Gardai. Then block his number.

Tell your brother the same.

Make sure that you follow through. If he sees that it's an empty threat you'll never get rid of him.

cannotlogin

Block him everywhere, phone, WhatsApp, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, email - absolutely everywhere.

Tell your brother you've done and any way and tell him that he needs to support you on this or you'll have no choice but to report him for harassment. Tell him you have been putting up with it for years and you are way past done & explain that the only reason you have tolerated this asshole for so long is due to their friendship. If he's an sort of a decent brother, he'll make sure his friend gets the message after that.

Also, show your brother this thread if you've no other way of getting through to him!

Truthvader

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

TruthVader, this is not the first time you have offered this particular brand of "advice" in the Personal Issues forum. And it falls below the standard of posting expected.

Please familiarise yourself with The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues or Relationship Issues again.

Apologies. Not being flippant. Read the thread leading to suggestion OP give him a chance. Something very wring IMO

Tork

It's time to stop playing nice with this guy, I'm afraid. Going on a date with him is a terrible idea. All it'd do is reinforce his belief that badgering a woman for a date is acceptable behaviour and that persistence pays off in the end. It's unfortunate that your father and brothers are useless and can't see the harm in it. I think most women can relate to what you've told us here. We've all got stories of men who pestered us on nights out and wouldn't leave us alone or ones who were a bit stalkerish and wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm sure it happens to men too but I think it's something that's more common with women.

I would go a step further than Big Bag of Chips suggested and tell this guy, by text, that you don't want to hear from him again. Warn him that if he makes contact either by his phone or by someone else's, the next step is the Gardaí. If that doesn't stop him, then go to the Gardaí with any evidence you have. While blocking him is one way to ward him off for now, it isn't going to solve the problem. He hasn't taken the hint and won't be going away. This is why you need a third party (i.e. the Guards) to let him know in uncertain terms that his behaviour is not OK. There is something wrong with this guy if he is behaving in this way. Getting a warning from the Guards might stop him from harassing other women in the future as well. I wouldn't be too worried about falling out with him at this stage because he sounds like a creep and that ship has sailed. If your brothers wants to think you're being overly dramatic, let them. The replies on this thread are mostly on your side and I'm sure more supportive ones will come in.

Rubberchikken

Like the others have said, tell him to stop contacting you and block him.
Tbh any guy who thinks this behavior is appropriate is not worth bothering with.

Your family need to grow up and realise that this isn't the way for any man to treat a woman.

Airyfairy12

You need to be firm with him, it's gone past the stage of politely letting him down and simply saying no. Forget what your brother thinks or says to you, it's creepy and weird that he's trying to push you into dating this man, ive experienced similar with a friend who insisted I date a man who was harassing me, it got to the stage were I had to cut her out as she kept putting me in situations with him. Id advise you do the same with your brother, block the creepy guy and give your brother a good bit of distance. You need to show them that this isnt a joke and if theyre going to continuously put you in uncomfortable situations, they cant be apart of your social life and keep them at that distance until they start taking you seriously.
Im sure if it was the other way around and you had a creepy friend desperately chasing your brother, he wouldn't think it was so funny.
Its time to put your foot down and take charge of this situation and put a firm stop to it.

JustAThought

OP it sounds like a nightmare.

What is the friendship like with your brother and him? He is your brothers only friend or his best friend . Is he around in the house a lot? Does he actually value your brother as a friend or is he mostly using him to hang around you? Does he and your brother do things and really get on together or is he one a larger group of hanger on lads? Do you live at home? Do the rest of your male family live at home in one big male melting pot or do they just drop in & are matey with him too? Are you living in rural isolation where everyone has to put up with each other and there is one main pub or in a town where you can actually avoid him? A lot of questions but what you can do depends on the situation.

I’ve had nice but not compatible people be a real pest (work) and want to date me ( throwing themselves at me, offering all kind of
generous support) and I admit it is a total
headwreck and REALLY a
headmelt. But I woiud say that having them have access to my private space/home would be a different level of invasion and one that would be hard to put up with. If this was the case can you speak to your father/mother and brother and impress on them how awful he makes you feel and that you only want him in the house on agreed occasional occasions when you will not be there and don’t want him dripping by. You feel it has become extremely inhealthy and an obsessive.

As regards him, does he have a girlfriend? Did
he ever have one? Did he ever have a relationship or a long term one? Has he been holding out for your ‘forever’ or just become single and decided as you are now single to try it on again? Is he much older/younger. Maybe you need to get tim to go online dating/ matchmaking/Lisdoonvarna - whatever - spread his wings outside his boyhood range and nest.

As regards reporting him, I would say definately no. You could ruin his life and job prospects forever by doing that. Well before that I would call a family meeting or sit them down after themmeal and make a few simple statements about how this guy is stalking you in your own home and being facilitated by them all and how you utterly resent how he is acting towards you and how they are all lauging off how upset it makes you and facilitating him constantly pestering and upsetting you.

Tork

JustAThought wrote: »

As regards reporting him, I would say definately no. You could ruin his life and job prospects forever by doing that. .

What do you mean by that? If the guy has any sense at all, he'll leave her alone once the Guards are mentioned. If that doesn't stop him, then that's when a visit to the Garda Station will happen. If this guy heeds the warning that will then be given to him by the Gardai, he'll be grand. Nothing more will happen. If he continues to pester her after that, then he will deserve everything he gets.

banie01

OP, sorry you are encountering this kind of harassment and make no mistake, brook no excuses.

Harassment is precisely what it is, and it is being facilitated and abetted by your brother.

Some "men" labour under the impression that if they can hang in there long enough, the object of their misplaced affection will suddenly realize just how right they are for each other and fall into each others arms.

It's bollox.
You have a right to your comfort, security and privacy.
Your being nice to this guy, whilst understandable in not wanting to alienate or escalate the situation is being picked up by him as "there's still a chance".

That your brother than allows him to contact you via his phone, rather than putting your privacy and comfort/security foremost?
Is frankly aßßhole behaviour.

Don't be the guys friend, you've tried that for 10yrs and he still hasn't got the message.
As for your brother, he is just as much to blame in driving and facilitating the guy as his own "hopes" are.

You neither anything, and if anything!
Your brother owes you at least a duty of care rather than pimping you out to his lovelorn mate.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies I am really grateful to you all because even though I knew in my gut that this was not okay, I was being made feel like I'm some sort of dramatic female by the men in my family.

I sent him a text this morning telling him I do not want to be friends and I want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again. I blocked his number and text my brother and said we need to talk later. I have read and hear you all re; going to the guards, but I'd rather speak to my brother first before I go down that road.

I'm only recently back in the family home while I save for my own place, I was renting up until recently. I don't need to stay here long thankfully. He never comes to the house, and thankfully I don't go to the local pubs where I live because that's where he goes. He is part of a large group of my brothers friends and they have been close mates for nearing 20 years. He's about 35 I think. I don't think he's had any relationships for quite some time. He was with a girl I know years ago and gave her a hard time because he was jealous and possessive. He doesn't know that I know these things.

I feel a lot better now after blocking him this morning. But really, this chat needs to be had with my brother who doesn't seem to understand why I'm so uncomfortable. This particular brother is the one I'm closest to. But unfortunately, the culture in my family is to sweep things under the rug and not talk about feelings. At this stage I don't care if it's awkward, we are having the conversation. I do feel in my gut once I tell him how serious I feel about this, it will be an eye opener for him.

I personally think the men in my family find it hard to put themselves in the shoes of women when it comes to harassment like this. They would probably laugh it off if they were going through the same thing with a woman. To be fair, I highly doubt they have ever experienced anything like I have as a woman. Unwanted attention is something I've been forced to deal since I was about 17. They just don't understand that and probably never will.

SozBbz

OP I'm so frustrated reading your posts. This is a horrible situation, made infinitely worse by the behaviour of your family, mostly your brother.

Is there someone in your life outside your family who could support you here?

I think you need to be firm with both this man and your brother. If they get the hump with you because of it, then oh well, but they are in the wrong.

Your brother has shown no empathy towards you. How would he like it if a family member activly enabled a situation that impacted him personally? Because thats what he's doing to you.

It sounds to me like both this man and your brother dont respect women. It sounds to me like they view women as silly second class citizens who can be coerced into doing what the man wants ultimately. This is knuckle-dragging of this highest order, and you don't have to stand for it.

bitofabind

It sounds like you've handled things really well OP. Sorry that you're going through this. It sounds very isolating and yer man sounds like an utter creep.

Some suggestions for your chat with your brother. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that his friend is harassing you and has been doing so for years. Spell out the negative impact that has had on you. You can't visit your local pub. You feel unsafe in your own home. You feel totally isolated by the fact that he not only doesn't support you at all, but totally enables, your harasser. That his friend has a history of disrespecting and abusing women vis-a-vis his ex and you don't expect him to remain blind to that fact just because it's his mate. You are his sister. Who's safety and mental health is more important to him?

Airyfairy12

JustAThought wrote: »

As regards reporting him, I would say definately no. You could ruin his life and job prospects forever by doing that.

His life and job arent her problem. He should have thought of that before harassing her for the last 10 years. Theres a bang of victim blaming off that response.
The only person responsible for his job and his life is him, not the op and she shouldnt have to take his abuse indefinitely to protect his reputation.
What about her life?

Truthvader

AnonPoster wrote: »

<Snip>No need to quote entire post.

Yep your brothers need to man up and realise that this is not OK. A bit early for Garda drama unless he keeps going but you are 100% not obliged to put up with this nonsense. AND you are entitled to go to the pub if you want to. People break up and get rejected all the time and the first next meetiig is always a bit awkward but most people manage the "Oh Hi" and move on

cloudatlas

Das Reich wrote: »

Maybe you are losing an opportunity to stay with a good person that like you why not give him a chance.

How many times does she have to say 'No'? When will the message get through?

1hnr79jr65

100% agree on making point known that not interested, blocking and threatening going to guards if harassment continues.

One thing I would say though op, is perhaps stop saying to this guy and your family that you see his as a brother. It would appear he may be using that description you have assigned him, as a license to constantly harass you and potentially leaving an opportunity for something more to grow in future. As such you should make it clear to this guy that he is not family or friend to you, on top saying he is someone you will never see a relationship with.

SozBbz

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

100% agree on making point known that not interested, blocking and threatening going to guards if harassment continues.

One thing I would say though op, is perhaps stop saying to this guy and your family that you see his as a brother. It would appear he may be using that description you have assigned him, as a license to constantly harass you and potentially leaving an opportunity for something more to grow in future. As such you should make it clear to this guy that he is not family or friend to you, on top saying he is someone you will never see a relationship with.

I think there might be something to this.

OP, i think perhaps what you mean by seeing him like a brother is that you could just never be attracted to him and that you've known him for years, but it doesn't sound like you have any affection for him or a friendship there whereby you have fondness for him in a brotherly way.

Perhaps its no harm to drop the "brother" comparison as it implicitly implies a good or nice relationship, even if not a romantic one.

You don't see him like a brother, you see him like the creep that he is.

Emme

OP well done. I'm not surprised that a former girlfriend found him jealous and possessive. The way he's harrassing you is creepy and the only way to deal with it is to block him completely - no contact and certainly don't tell him you see him as a brother. I find that gut instinct is always right and you had a bad feeling about him. A guy who sends drunk angry texts is not relationship material.

You need to have a good firm chat with your brother and tell him you had to block this guy. Your brother may have inadvertently encouraged him while trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings. The men in your family may be easy going but the guy you blocked certainly is not.

eviltwin

Well done OP. Be prepared for some blowback from your brother. This guy can’t get through to you himself but he might try using your brother as an intermediary so just be careful what you say as it may get back to him. I’m sure your brother won’t be happy that he will be getting it in the ear now but stick to your guns.

This guy is clearly very manipulating and probably has done a bit of that on your brother too.

cannotlogin

Just tell your brother that you are fed up with this guy harassing you and failing to take no for an answer for over 10 years.

Tell him it's both stressing you out, making you feel extremely uncomfortable and causing you anxiety.

Finish by telling him that it's up to him to ensure this guy gets the message for once and for all and that if he can't help you, that guards will, as you are all put of other options.

You shouldn't have to put up with this crap, especially from what is supposed to be a grown man.