Don't fancy my dates.

Perez2017

Met a nice girl today. Matched her on tinder but I just didn't fancy her. The thing is this seems to be a recurring theme. I'm no brad pitt myself and I am terrified of ending up of my own.

Thelonious Monk

If you’re like most people you won’t fancy the majority of these dates. All you can do is plug away until you meet someone who does it for you.
You should also address the issue of being terrified of being alone, doesn’t sound healthy and it’s not attractive.

Daisy78

Ah I wouldn’t worry about, she might not have fancied you either. That’s the way these things go. All you can do is make sure you aren’t let unreasonably high standards/expectations get in your way. If someone is a “maybe” then no harm in meeting them again to allow things develop, if someone is a definite no then leave it at that.

Augme

There not biggest turn of in person than desperation and being terrified of on your own is normally the main driver for that. Work on your own self-confidence and then maybe consider dating.

Ella281

Daisy78 wrote: »

Ah I wouldn’t worry about, she might not have fancied you either. That’s the way these things go. All you can do is make sure you aren’t let unreasonably high standards/expectations get in your way. If someone is a “maybe” then no harm in meeting them again to allow things develop, if someone is a definite no then leave it at that.

Hey OP. Just gonna throw my thoughts out there.
Agree with Daisy here.
I’ve done my far share of dating from the apps. I’ve had some great dates but also some shocking ones. One thing they’ve all in common : they went no where.

I do find that someone’s profile and pic should only be taken with a grain of salt because you just don’t know if you find them attractive until you meet them, see their mannerisms, vibe and body language etc
One thing I do want to echo what daisy has said here.
Try and leave any high expectations at home. Obviously you have your standards but don’t hold your date to an impossible expectation. No one is perfect. They’re only human too.

I was recently on a date and while he was nice, it felt like a job interview. He didn’t try and make me laugh, or delve into my interests, see what I like or even flirt/touch me. Whereas I tried to make him laugh and tried to flirt a little. Honestly, he may as well had a clipboard out with a pen and the countdown theme tune in the background. I seen a change in his stance towards the end of the date and we parted awkwardly. Anyway, he has given me the cold shoulder.
That’s fine but I think his approach was all wrong and very unfair. I walked away knowing I have so much to offer but with some people, it will never be enough and also, some people go into these dates with their minds already made up.

That’s not a date.

OP, a date should be fun, with laughing, flirting, getting to know what that person loves in life etc you say she’s a nice girl but is there anything that you can put your finger on which just didn’t do it for you?

If she didn’t kiss or hug you - that’s ok, don’t read into that. I feel awkward myself kissing or hugging strangers but that doesn’t mean they don’t fancy you..plus, pandemic!?

Sometimes, like daisy says, if someone is a “maybe” or the date went well and you got on, you should go for the second date. If this girl was a maybe, don’t be short sighted. Go on a second date.
First dates can be nerve wrecking. I know myself I may say something silly if nervous or keep straightening my dress etc but I’m completely relaxed on my regular day.
Perhaps if you went on a second date with her, you may feel differently and see another side to her?

But if she was a complete and utter no, keep looking. If she does get in touch, be polite and honest. Don’t ignore her or leave her wondering what happened. Just be straight about it. You never know, you might meet her down the tracks later and find her attractive etc so be nice!

And don’t be afraid of not meeting anyone- you will! I know from experience that worrying about this is a complete waste of time.

These are just my thoughts

Airyfairy12

physical attraction is important but is it possible your expectations and standards are too high? It's very possible for attraction to grow as you get to know someone and build a connection.
I know so many men who have thrown their lives away for very attractive women who they have very little in common with then a few years down the line theyre complaining that she's spending all their money or she wont get a job to support herself or she is cheating on him. You really cant build a relationship on looks, the most important thing is personality and genuine connection.

Perez2017

Ella281 wrote: »

Hey OP. Just gonna throw my thoughts out there.
Agree with Daisy here.
I’ve done my far share of dating from the apps. I’ve had some great dates but also some shocking ones. One thing they’ve all in common : they went no where.

I do find that someone’s profile and pic should only be taken with a grain of salt because you just don’t know if you find them attractive until you meet them, see their mannerisms, vibe and body language etc
One thing I do want to echo what daisy has said here.
Try and leave any high expectations at home. Obviously you have your standards but don’t hold your date to an impossible expectation. No one is perfect. They’re only human too.

I was recently on a date and while he was nice, it felt like a job interview. He didn’t try and make me laugh, or delve into my interests, see what I like or even flirt/touch me. Whereas I tried to make him laugh and tried to flirt a little. Honestly, he may as well had a clipboard out with a pen and the countdown theme tune in the background. I seen a change in his stance towards the end of the date and we parted awkwardly. Anyway, he has given me the cold shoulder.
That’s fine but I think his approach was all wrong and very unfair. I walked away knowing I have so much to offer but with some people, it will never be enough and also, some people go into these dates with their minds already made up.

That’s not a date.

OP, a date should be fun, with laughing, flirting, getting to know what that person loves in life etc you say she’s a nice girl but is there anything that you can put your finger on which just didn’t do it for you?

If she didn’t kiss or hug you - that’s ok, don’t read into that. I feel awkward myself kissing or hugging strangers but that doesn’t mean they don’t fancy you..plus, pandemic!?

Sometimes, like daisy says, if someone is a “maybe” or the date went well and you got on, you should go for the second date. If this girl was a maybe, don’t be short sighted. Go on a second date.
First dates can be nerve wrecking. I know myself I may say something silly if nervous or keep straightening my dress etc but I’m completely relaxed on my regular day.
Perhaps if you went on a second date with her, you may feel differently and see another side to her?

But if she was a complete and utter no, keep looking. If she does get in touch, be polite and honest. Don’t ignore her or leave her wondering what happened. Just be straight about it. You never know, you might meet her down the tracks later and find her attractive etc so be nice!

And don’t be afraid of not meeting anyone- you will! I know from experience that worrying about this is a complete waste of time.

These are just my thoughts

thanks for the great reply. Well I've had dates before where I didn't fancy them but I have goven it a go for a few dates and nothing changed. There was 1 girl i dated for 6 month and my gut at the start was I didn't fancy her but we went out for a while and i didnt have the guts for ages to break it off. This girl was very nice but I just didn't fancy her. I am afraid of ending up on my own but I don't show it outwardly. I don't think any date would notice .

Daisy78

I have a friend (now married to someone she met online) who absolutely had the right attitude to dating. She approached every date as something to be enjoyed rather than heaping each one with expectation or as an experience she to endure, a means to the end of finding a partner. Granted she’s is a real extrovert and people person naturally anyway but she had a very positive attitude to the whole thing. She loved meeting new people, never held any expectations about a date, to her it was a couple of hours out with someone new and a bit of fun. Of course she met some absolute dingbats but she also met plenty of other nice guys, which although didn’t develop into anything for one reason or another, didn’t leave her feeling dejected or put off by dating in general. I think everyone should approach dating in the same way.

The problem with dating these days, particularly with online dating is that everyone is looking for the thunderbolt on that first date. It’s all or nothing and a lot of people aren’t prepared to invest any time to see whether their initial feelings might change over the course of two or three dates. The poster mentioned that this is a pattern in his dating life which would suggest he is looking for something more immediate, which when you think about it heaps a lot of pressure on both parties. OP let go of any preconceptions you have in your head about what your date should look like, act like, etc Go out with the intention of meeting someone new for a couple of hours and having some fun. They might not have everything you are looking for in a partner, but they might have something which is worth exploring over the course of another date or two? Where is the harm in giving someone a bit more time? As another poster mentioned lots of people are nervous on a first date and don’t necessarily put their best foot forward. You might be missing out on someone great if you don’t give them a chance to show that potential on a second date.

Daisy78

Perez2017 wrote: »

thanks for the great reply. Well I've had dates before where I didn't fancy them but I have goven it a go for a few dates and nothing changed. There was 1 girl i dated for 6 month and my gut at the start was I didn't fancy her but we went out for a while and i didnt have the guts for ages to break it off. This girl was very nice but I just didn't fancy her. I am afraid of ending up on my own but I don't show it outwardly. I don't think any date would notice .

What do you think this is coming down to? Would you say you have high standards when it comes to looks or more specifically a certain type of physical appearance? Or is it more of a personality thing?

Perez2017

Daisy78 wrote: »

What do you think this is coming down to? Would you say you have high standards when it comes to looks or more specifically a certain type of physical appearance? Or is it more of a personality thing?

I suppose she is massively into travelling I wouldn't be myself. I suppose I didn't find her attractive. I wouldn't have major high standards to be honest.

Perez2017

Daisy78 wrote: »

I have a friend (now married to someone she met online) who absolutely had the right attitude to dating. She approached every date as something to be enjoyed rather than heaping each one with expectation or as an experience she to endure, a means to the end of finding a partner. Granted she’s is a real extrovert and people person naturally anyway but she had a very positive attitude to the whole thing. She loved meeting new people, never held any expectations about a date, to her it was a couple of hours out with someone new and a bit of fun. Of course she met some absolute dingbats but she also met plenty of other nice guys, which although didn’t develop into anything for one reason or another, didn’t leave her feeling dejected or put off by dating in general. I think everyone should approach dating in the same way.

The problem with dating these days, particularly with online dating is that everyone is looking for the thunderbolt on that first date. It’s all or nothing and a lot of people aren’t prepared to invest any time to see whether their initial feelings might change over the course of two or three dates. The poster mentioned that this is a pattern in his dating life which would suggest he is looking for something more immediate, which when you think about it heaps a lot of pressure on both parties. OP let go of any preconceptions you have in your head about what your date should look like, act like, etc Go out with the intention of meeting someone new for a couple of hours and having some fun. They might not have everything you are looking for in a partner, but they might have something which is worth exploring over the course of another date or two? Where is the harm in giving someone a bit more time? As another poster mentioned lots of people are nervous on a first date and don’t necessarily put their best foot forward. You might be missing out on someone great if you don’t give them a chance to show that potential on a second date.

I agree that maybe I should give it another date but the thing is i don't think I'll ever fancy her.

Ella281

Perez2017 wrote: »

thanks for the great reply. Well I've had dates before where I didn't fancy them but I have goven it a go for a few dates and nothing changed. There was 1 girl i dated for 6 month and my gut at the start was I didn't fancy her but we went out for a while and i didnt have the guts for ages to break it off. This girl was very nice but I just didn't fancy her. I am afraid of ending up on my own but I don't show it outwardly. I don't think any date would notice .

Well to be fair, 6 months is a bit drawn out OP if you don’t fancy the pants off a woman!

Sounds like you were with them to be with someone.
Put that down one to experience.
But a second date is low investment on your part compared to your 6month stint.
I know what you’re saying - that you don’t want to be sucked in again with the wrong person.
Next time, don’t become exclusive with someone unless you’re sure that you are mad into them and you have chemistry.

And in regards to the fancy bit, i always look at them and think “do I want to rip their clothes off?” Lol. That’s always a good litmus test because politeness etc aside, that’s what would should be thinking because that’s what we will be doing. We should be mad about someone we want to commit to!! We should want to talk to them and find out our their day is! We should want to be around them.

So, please do not fret! You are not going to end up on your own. You just haven’t met the girl that’s gonna blow your socks off and trust me, she’s out there!

Grand, you have answered my question.
This girl is a no. Nothing wrong with that. Keep dating.
If you feel you’ve your mind made up after one first date, that’s fine. But as myself and others have said, please take into consideration that you and this girl were complete strangers and nerves can play a part?

If you have decided against giving her the benefit of the doubt: I would ask you to be honest with her if she has reached out to you.
Tell her what you told us- she’s lovely but tell her you don’t see this going anywhere.
Most important thing OP - don’t let her wonder. Be honest.

Never date anyone continuously just because you are afraid to end up alone.
That is very selfish and damaging for the other person and for you.
Not to mention, you would come across completely as a user and insincere.
And it’s a waste of their own precious time.

Remember, always put yourself in the other persons shoes. How would you like to treated?
Would you really like a woman to keep dating you because she was afraid of ending up on her own?
That she looked at you sadly everyday of your relationship and thought “better than nothing”?
No you wouldn’t.

So keep dating OP. Be kind as you go.
You’ll meet her, don’t worry!

Ella281

Perez2017 wrote: »

I suppose she is massively into travelling I wouldn't be myself. I suppose I didn't find her attractive. I wouldn't have major high standards to be honest.

Era, this travelling chestnut.
I know myself OP I have gone on dates and felt inadequate when talking about my odd holiday compared to a lad who thinks his climb in Everest or trek through the Sahara was no big deal lol.
It’s become a cliche.
I don’t know is it a trend or what?

Either way, there’s nothing wrong with being different or having had different experiences in life.
But perhaps it was the way she put it across, the way she responded when you revealed you were the opposite?.
Maybe it was the WAY she put it across that you didn’t find attractive? Was she boasting?
Was she judgemental towards your lack of interest to travel? Did she make this an issue or did she become awkward you said you weren’t big into travelling etc?

Because no matter the topic, someone who judges your lack of experience in an area - that in itself can be unattractive.

Travelling is nothing unique or original and does not make a personality. These things can be acquired at any stage in someone’s life etc

Perez2017 wrote: »

I agree that maybe I should give it another date but the thing is i don't think I'll ever fancy her.

Can you elaborate? (Only if you are comfortable to)

Daisy78 wrote: »

The problem with dating these days, particularly with online dating is that everyone is looking for the thunderbolt on that first date. It’s all or nothing and a lot of people aren’t prepared to invest any time to see whether their initial feelings might change over the course of two or three dates. The poster mentioned that this is a pattern in his dating life which would suggest he is looking for something more immediate, which when you think about it heaps a lot of pressure on both parties. OP let go of any preconceptions you have in your head about what your date should look like, act like, etc Go out with the intention of meeting someone new for a couple of hours and having some fun. They might not have everything you are looking for in a partner, but they might have something which is worth exploring over the course of another date or two? Where is the harm in giving someone a bit more time? As another poster mentioned lots of people are nervous on a first date and don’t necessarily put their best foot forward. You might be missing out on someone great if you don’t give them a chance to show that potential on a second date.

100%.
A lot of people are walking away from potentially great partners because they don’t feel a “spark” or a thunderbolt.
The fact is, people need to be realistic.
You are strangers from a dating app meeting with the attention of dating someone or finding a partner.
That’s unreal pressure.
It’s rare you are going to get that spark or whatever because both or at least on party is nervous about meeting a complete stranger.
You have to make allowances. Obviously not too many but you need to be realistic.

A lot the time in my experience and from my friends reports, people are writing both sexes off for silly things. All or nothing as daisy put it.

Very short sighted.

Thelonious Monk

Perez2017 wrote: »

I am afraid of ending up on my own but I don't show it outwardly. I don't think any date would notice .

I bet it manifests itself in your life in many ways

Perez2017

Ella281 wrote: »

Era, this travelling chestnut.
I know myself OP I have gone on dates and felt inadequate when talking about my odd holiday compared to a lad who thinks his climb in Everest or trek through the Sahara was no big deal lol.
It’s become a cliche.
I don’t know is it a trend or what?

Either way, there’s nothing wrong with being different or having had different experiences in life.
But perhaps it was the way she put it across, the way she responded when you revealed you were the opposite?.
Maybe it was the WAY she put it across that you didn’t find attractive? Was she boasting?
Was she judgemental towards your lack of interest to travel? Did she make this an issue or did she become awkward you said you weren’t big into travelling etc?

Because no matter the topic, someone who judges your lack of experience in an area - that in itself can be unattractive.

Travelling is nothing unique or original and does not make a personality. These things can be acquired at any stage in someone’s life etc



Can you elaborate? (Only if you are comfortable to)

I suppose as another poster put it, I didn't want to rip the clothes off her.


100%.
A lot of people are walking away from potentially great partners because they don’t feel a “spark” or a thunderbolt.
The fact is, people need to be realistic.
You are strangers from a dating app meeting with the attention of dating someone or finding a partner.
That’s unreal pressure.
It’s rare you are going to get that spark or whatever because both or at least on party is nervous about meeting a complete stranger.
You have to make allowances. Obviously not too many but you need to be realistic.

A lot the time in my experience and from my friends reports, people are writing both sexes off for silly things. All or nothing as daisy put it.

Very short sighted.

I think travelling is a huge part of her life. It's not for me, week in Lanzarote would do me. As another poster put it I didn't want to rip her clothes off.

Perez2017

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I bet it manifests itself in your life in many ways

Probably does to be fair.

Ella281

Perez2017 wrote: »

As another poster put it I didn't want to rip her clothes off.

Oh right. That’s a different kettle of fish so....:/
If you are 100% sure on that, then you probably weren’t sexually attracted to her.
But look, keep things civil with her. Be straight with her.
Keep dating. You will meet someone you feel that way about!

Perez2017

Ella281 wrote: »

Oh right. That’s a different kettle of fish so....:/
If you are 100% sure on that, then you probably weren’t sexually attracted to her.
But look, keep things civil with her. Be straight with her.
Keep dating. You will meet someone you feel that way about!

Cheers, thanks for your advice.