I feel so hurt

Mariahol

So my ex (25) broke up with me (26) 3 weeks ago after being together for 4 years. We were living together all during quarentine and were planning to permanently move in together when everything was back to normal and I would get a job over in his town. Whenever he would come home from work he would wrap his arms around me and and say "I love coming home to you" and told me how much he was in love with me. Only a few days before we broke up he was telling me how many children he wanted us to have!

Then one day a student started work placement at his work. He works on a farm so it was just the 2 of them every day. I met her and the 3 of us would have lunch together. Only a few days after she started his behaviour changed towards me. I asked him all the time if something was wrong and he would say no. I noticed he would text the student a lot on snapchat. I told him that I didnt think it was professional speaking through snapchat but he kept saying it was work and that's how she communicates. 1 week later he broke up with me, saying that he is afraid of commitment and moving in together. He said he doesnt know what he wants in life and that we are so young. And like I said, he was only discussing having kids with me before the break up!

It has now been 3 weeks and I couldnt help but feel that the student had a part in it. Why did his behaviour change just after she arrived? Why would he be saying he loves coming home to me if he was afraid of commitment? After 4 years all I could think of was how it took a young girl to come along and change everything.

The other night I got confirmation that she was in his house sunday night. I rang him to ask of it was true and after lying for the first few minutes he admitted to it. He was on the phone to me while she was beside him! He said nothing was going on while we were together but it only took him 3 weeks to have her over!

I cant stop obsessing over this and cant believe it's happening to me! I told him I dont want any more contact. Any advise for moving on would be appreciated!

Ann84

Firstly, heartbreak is the absolute worst.... I am sorry this is happening to you but you will come out a stronger person for it that is for sure!!

On the relationship, if this is all it took for him to decide he wasn’t ready to settle down then this is the best thing that could ever have happened to you - you were about to commit to and move your whole life to be with this person and he isn’t ready for that, be glad you hadn’t made the move - he could have lied and cheated, or broken up 6 months down the line it would be so much harder...

His loss is another’s gain - please please mind yourself and try not to blame the other girl, if just working with someone could turn his head you would be forever looking over your shoulder x

SozBbz

Hi OP,

Firstly, sorry to hear what you're going through, it must be very upsetting.

I know you won't believe it now but the honestly you've just had such a lucky escape.

As you say, he's seemingly changed his mind quite suddenly. He's clearly someone for whom talk is cheap, and that is not the type of person you want to build a future with.

Also, I'm not sure if its his farm or he works on someone elses farm, but if he is the farmer that has taken on a student intern, and said intern is now in his bed, that is woefully inappropriate.

Mariahol

SozBbz wrote: »

Hi OP,

Firstly, sorry to hear what you're going through, it must be very upsetting.

I know you won't believe it now but the honestly you've just had such a lucky escape.

As you say, he's seemingly changed his mind quite suddenly. He's clearly someone for whom talk is cheap, and that is not the type of person you want to build a future with.

Also, I'm not sure if its his farm or he works on someone elses farm, but if he is the farmer that has taken on a student intern, and said intern is now in his bed, that is woefully inappropriate.

He is the manager on the farm and he took her on for placement. She only just turned 21 and goes to college in Dublin. The fact that I spent so much time with the 2 of them makes it hard. The farm is only down the road from where we were living. She was so nice saying how nice a couple we were but then this happens.

SozBbz

Mariahol wrote: »

He is the manager on the farm and he took her on for placement. She only just turned 21 and goes to college in Dublin. The fact that I spent so much time with the 2 of them makes it hard. The farm is only down the road from where we were living. She was so nice saying how nice a couple we were but then this happens.

One thing I'd say is that as tempting as it is, try not to blame her. Your (ex) boyfriend was the one in a relationship, not her. It was his responsibility to be faithful. She couldnt steal him if he wasnt open to being stolen.

Granted, shes very young (and probably a gob****e) and I'm sure she'll be mortified with herself over this whole situation in a few years time.

I'm not saying you should do this as it would probably come from a place of pettiness, but arguably her college should know that your ex is not a suitable person to take on students on placement in future if he ends up in bed with them. Is he to give a report on her work during this placement I wonder? If so, even more inappropriate again.

Ella281

Mariahol wrote: »

He is the manager on the farm and he took her on for placement. She only just turned 21 and goes to college in Dublin. The fact that I spent so much time with the 2 of them makes it hard. The farm is only down the road from where we were living. She was so nice saying how nice a couple we were but then this happens.

She was being false to you to get close.

He sounds like a creep who just couldn’t resist the ride with a 21year old.

She obviously gave him some attention and he jumped.

Listen OP, It’s better this has happened now rather than you wasting another year or two of your twenties with an absolute clown.

The relationship is done now and nothing can undo the damage he has done.

There are no questions and there is no more to be said.

He has made his decision. He wanted to get a leg over with a 21year old. Abuse of his position really.

Make him live with it. Block, block, block.
Do not leave the door open. Do not humour him or take him back “after all the years together” when he realises what an idiot he was.

His actions speak volumes and if he does come back, it will be only because she has seen the light, f*cked him there and gone back to Dublin.

Walk away. Take time to yourself. But see this and him for what it is. Sleazy.

SozBbz wrote: »

I'm not saying you should do this as it would probably come from a place of pettiness, but arguably her college should know that your ex is not a suitable person to take on students on placement in future if he ends up in bed with them. Is he to give a report on her work during this placement I wonder? If so, even more inappropriate again.

I wouldn’t think this is petty at all actually.
I would make the university aware.
She was given an opportunity to enter private farm property on professional grounds and acted unprofessional to the point she broke up a relationship and is having a relationship with someone who is meant to be her mentor or whatever.
You could make them aware of it certainly.
There should be consequences.

And then move on.

Pablo_Flox

I know it hurts, but the sad fact is that its no longer your business if he has her over to his house or not. Break off communication and be kind to yourself for a while. Exercise, eat well and surround yourself with friends and family.

Good luck!

Mariahol

Ella281 wrote: »

She was being false to you to get close.

He sounds like a creep who just couldn’t resist the ride with a 21year old.

She obviously gave him some attention and he jumped.

Listen OP, It’s better this has happened now rather than you wasting another year or two of your twenties with an absolute clown.

The relationship is done now and nothing can undo the damage he has done.

There are no questions and there is




I wouldn’t think this is petty at all actually.
I would make the university aware.
She was given an opportunity to enter private farm property on professional grounds and acted unprofessional to the point she broke up a relationship and is having a relationship with someone who is meant to be her mentor or whatever.
You could make them aware of it certainly.
There should be consequences.

And then move on.

He works for a farming company and manages their farm. In my head I would like to put in a complaint there but I'm afraid of the backlash

SozBbz

Mariahol wrote: »

He works for a farming company and manages their farm. In my head I would like to put in a complaint there but I'm afraid of the backlash

Granted, there will be backlash and they will think you're petty but.... there are safeguarding rules about this stuff for good reason and the university should be informed. It seems to me that neither of them are of good character, especially him who is the one in a position of authority and trust. He shouldnt be given students in future and I'm sure the university wouldnt want to use him in future if they knew.

Having thought about it a bit more, who cares what your motivation is, its right to speak up when you become aware of untoward behaviour. Whats to stop him using this university placement as a dating service in future otherwise? He'd have to be thicker than pig**** to not know this is wrong, so why protect him?

Report him and move on, head held high.

Just to be clear - you're not complaining that some wagon stole your boyfriend. You're informing an academic institution because you've become aware of an inapropriate relationship that is their direct concern.

lainey_d_123

SozBbz wrote: »

Granted, there will be backlash and they will think you're petty but.... there are safeguarding rules about this stuff for good reason and the university should be informed. It seems to me that neither of them are of good character, especially him who is the one in a position of authority and trust. He shouldnt be given students in future and I'm sure the university wouldnt want to use him in future if they knew.

Having thought about it a bit more, who cares what your motivation is, its right to speak up when you become aware of untoward behaviour. Whats to stop him using this university placement as a dating service in future otherwise? He'd have to be thicker than pig**** to not know this is wrong, so why protect him?

Report him and move on, head held high.

Just to be clear - you're not complaining that some wagon stole your boyfriend. You're informing an academic institution because you've become aware of an inapropriate relationship that is their direct concern.

Aw come off it now.

She's 21 and he's 25 - hardly some massive abuse of power. If he wants to date students, who cares? He'd only be a few years out of college himself.

I would be angry at the girl, tbh. She sounds like a right selfish wagon, and deserves whatever is coming her way. She's not some innocent little girl who was taken advantage of - she went out of her way to befriend OP and then betrayed her, like an absolute cow. If he ends up mistreating her, good. She deserves it. I wouldn't bother contacting the university.

SozBbz

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Aw come off it now.

She's 21 and he's 25 - hardly some massive abuse of power. If he wants to date students, who cares? He'd only be a few years out of college himself.

I would be angry at the girl, tbh. She sounds like a right selfish wagon, and deserves whatever is coming her way. She's not some innocent little girl who was taken advantage of - she went out of her way to befriend OP and then betrayed her, like an absolute cow. If he ends up mistreating her, good. She deserves it. I wouldn't bother contacting the university.

Where did I say she was an innocent? And sure, he's free to date any random student, but not one thats on a placement with him.

You're conveniently ignoring the fact that when you take someone on in a learning environment there is a trust there. He has broken that trust. The university has a right to know. Similarly if they worked in an office and he slept with a junior employee/intern he'd be liable for dismissal - its not appropriate in whats supposed to be a learning environment.

Encouraging a woman to simply blame the other woman- great advice. Next thing you'll be saying she trapped him. Internalised misogyny is a terrible thing.

Did he trip and fall inside her? Give me a break.

lainey_d_123

SozBbz wrote: »

Where did I say she was an innocent? And sure, he's free to date any random student, but not one thats on a placement with him.

You're conveniently ignoring the fact that when you take someone on in a learning environment there is a trust there. He has broken that trust. The university has a right to know. Similarly if they worked in an office and he slept with a junior employee/intern he'd be liable for dismissal - its not appropriate in whats supposed to be a learning environment.

Encouraging a woman to simply blame the other woman- great advice. Next thing you'll be saying she trapped him. Internalised misogyny is a terrible thing.

Did he trip and fall inside her? Give me a break.

I didn't say ONLY blame him. But I think all this infantilising of women is going too far. She's a grown up, she's just a few years younger than him. The pair of them sound like horrible selfish idiots.

Where's the sense of personal responsibility here? We all knew the kind of girls in college who would date lecturers to score cool points and have preferential treatment. They weren't some sort of innocent victim being taken advantage of like you're implying here.

A 15-year-old schoolgirl being groomed by a 30-year-old teacher? Absolutely wrong and criminal.

A 21-year-old student who goes after a 25-year-old fella with a girlfriend? She should know better, and maybe in a few years when the same happens to her, she'll learn a valuable lesson about integrity and morals.

cannotlogin

I understand that you are hurt and that's understandable but reporting any consenting adults to anyone screams crazy lady. It won't help you or heal you, it'll just be petty. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else.

Unfortunately, love hurts and nothing but time helps.

rolling boh

Little point in reporting him really I think will seem a bit petty feel for you but you had a very lucky escape he showed his true colours just in time though I know you are upset at the moment .Please do not entertain him at any point in the future when the student is most likely off the scene he is not worth one second of your time .She behaved pretty badly too but he was the one in a relationship but had little respect for it really .

washiskin

cannotlogin wrote: »

I understand that you are hurt and that's understandable but reporting any consenting adults to anyone screams crazy lady. It won't help you or heal you, it'll just be petty. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else.

Unfortunately, love hurts and nothing but time helps.

This 100% . As soon as you do it , you've lost the high ground and look like the classic spurned bitter ex. AND you may get a smidgen of satisfaction but it won't last and you'll feel like you've let yourself down.

It's the most gut-wrenching time of your life right now and all you want is for the feeling of hurt, loss and betrayal to stop..... and it will, but it will take time.

I went through something similar (3 yr relationship, attitude changed suddenly, I got dumped for a wan he met at work) and when I met my now partner I realised what a lucky escape I'd had. You're better off cutting communication and focusing on yourself, getting yourself through this and realising you're worth a hell of a lot more than you may have settled for.
Be good to yourself, this isn't your doing.

Purple Mountain

I just wanted to add to say: I know exactly what you mean to have someone come into your couple life and then you're suddenly the gooseberry.
When I was in college, I moved into a house share with my then boyfriend.
We were together under a year, so not as steady as your relationship. He ended up getting together with another girl in the house. That hurt that something was going on under your nose is horrible.
All I can say is, you're so young. I know you were thinking long term and excited for the future but you have so much time to find the man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he comes running back because that girl will be going back to college I imagine in September.
It's up to you what you do but for now, enjoy rediscovering yourself as a single, lovely young lady.

Mariahol

Update.

He rang me at 6 this morning after a drunken night. Started telling me that he is still meeting up with this girl and that they have been having sex. He said he rang because it kills him to know that I hate him and that me and my family blocked him on social media. He then started telling me that he misses me every day and dreams about me every night. This morning he told me he wished I was there with him and that it kills him to think of me being with another lad. I was so annoyed and shot him down. I just cant believe he more or less left me for this other girl and now he is coming back saying all of this to me. We talked for 2 hours and I honestly felt no feelings towards him anymore because he has proven what a dick he is all over again. I screenshotted the length of time we were on the phone and was gonna send it to the girl but when I calmed down I thought maybe it wouldnt be a good idea.

Idle Passerby

Looking on the plus side he's making it a lot easier for you to put him in the past with that sniveling phonecall. It's a classic case of he thought the grass was greener and it's bit him in the arse. Too late to undo it now though, he's made his bed.

Oh and don't send her that screenshot, it would just look petty. There's also no reason to think she'd care. It could just be a meaningless fling for her.

rolling boh

The two hours on the phone to me seems to be completly ridiculous and unnecessary he is not worth two minutes of your time . I almost wonder is this a wind up or something apologies if i am wrong on that one .

notsoyoungwan

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Aw come off it now.

She's 21 and he's 25 - hardly some massive abuse of power. If he wants to date students, who cares? He'd only be a few years out of college himself.

I would be angry at the girl, tbh. She sounds like a right selfish wagon, and deserves whatever is coming her way. She's not some innocent little girl who was taken advantage of - she went out of her way to befriend OP and then betrayed her, like an absolute cow. If he ends up mistreating her, good. She deserves it. I wouldn't bother contacting the university.

Not one word in your post berating him. The guy who was in a committed relationship with the op for 4 years. Yet you go on about this woman deliberately befriending the op and then betraying her. She was hardly there a wet week. They were acquaintances, not friends. Yet you say she deserves ‘whatever is coming her way’ and seem gleeful at the prospect that he may mistreat her. Bizarre logic.

Op, The one who betrayed you here is your partner of 4 years, he’s the one who owed you something. But if all it took for him to stray was the appearance of someone else, then count yourself lucky you found this out before having a mortgage, marriage or child with him.

notsoyoungwan

Ah op, i just read your last post. Wtf are you doing on the phone to him for 2 hours indulging his angst and drama? Block him. Get him out of your life. He made a decision and now he can live with the consequences.

MissShihTzu

I'm not sure why you ex decided to have a 2 hour 'chat' with you, telling you he had sex with the other girl. What was he hoping to achieve by twisting the knife? Personally, I think yer man's got buyer's remorse. Either the girl sacked him off or he found the grass wasn't so green the other side of the fence. And look - the poor baby's been frozen out by your friends and family and doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Purleaze!! He ain't your problem any more.

Block, delete and move on. If he persists, I wouldn't be slow in reminding him he had an inappropriate relationship with a placement student, and might very well report it if he doesn't leave you alone.

He's a loser. You can do SO much better!

Delete that guy out of your life. Every photo, email and message. Block and delete and move on. He's proven how easily he can abandon your lives together and you'll never really trust him again, you'll be anxious with every new woman that enters your circle. Not a great way to live.

As for the girl, she's single. She hasn't cheated on anyone. She's definitely behaved poorly, but he is the one responsible for his cheating, he didn't have a gun to his head. He cheated on you, she didn't.

Don't entertain another phone call. He's trying to elicit forgiveness and sympathy for behaving in a way that caused you pain. Don't give him either, he doesn't deserve it.

You'll be fine, the day will come - and probably sooner than you think - when you see how lucky an escape you have had.

rainbowtrout

So in the same conversation he says it kills him to think of you with another guy, but he tells you that he's having sex with this girl? So he doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to be with you either, but sticks the knife in a bit further telling you that he's getting the ride, and takes up two hours of your time in the middle of the night. And he wants to come out of all of this smelling of roses??


You're well rid, the only mistake you've made here is giving him two hours of your time. Block and don't answer any more calls. He's made his choice.

rainbowtrout

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Aw come off it now.

She's 21 and he's 25 - hardly some massive abuse of power. If he wants to date students, who cares? He'd only be a few years out of college himself.

I would be angry at the girl, tbh. She sounds like a right selfish wagon, and deserves whatever is coming her way. She's not some innocent little girl who was taken advantage of - she went out of her way to befriend OP and then betrayed her, like an absolute cow. If he ends up mistreating her, good. She deserves it. I wouldn't bother contacting the university.

Why be angry at the girl? You might question her morals at getting involved with a guy who is supposed to be her boss and was in a longterm relationship, but really the anger should be directed at the OP's boyfriend. He chose to get involved, he could have turned down this girl down and said 'sorry I have a girlfriend', he didn't. He chose to cheat. He isn't a helpless person who had no say in this, he chose to get involved and ditch his girlfriend of four years.

lainey_d_123

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Not one word in your post berating him. The guy who was in a committed relationship with the op for 4 years. Yet you go on about this woman deliberately befriending the op and then betraying her. She was hardly there a wet week. They were acquaintances, not friends. Yet you say she deserves ‘whatever is coming her way’ and seem gleeful at the prospect that he may mistreat her. Bizarre logic.

Op, The one who betrayed you here is your partner of 4 years, he’s the one who owed you something. But if all it took for him to stray was the appearance of someone else, then count yourself lucky you found this out before having a mortgage, marriage or child with him.

Because it's already obvious he's a tool. Why do I need to say it? The people acting as if the girl is some poor innocent victim are hilarious. She's as much of a tool as he is. It's not as if she didn't know he had a girlfriend. She went out of her way to befriend her, like an absolute sociopath. Yes, I would love to think she'd get her comeuppance. The pair of them are absolute melts.

I'm not focused on who is to 'blame', I'm saying it would be mad to report him to the university or whatever. It's not a one sided thing, or a power imbalance.

notsoyoungwan

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Because it's already obvious he's a tool. Why do I need to say it? The people acting as if the girl is some poor innocent victim are hilarious. She's as much of a tool as he is. It's not as if she didn't know he had a girlfriend. She went out of her way to befriend her, like an absolute sociopath. Yes, I would love to think she'd get her comeuppance. The pair of them are absolute melts

I’ve often seen this, a married/attached man cheats and it’s the single woman he cheats with who gets the blame, or the bulk of the blame. Look at how you talk about them. He’s ‘a tool’ but she’s ‘an absolute sociopath’. And you’ve repeatedly said how you wish retribution on her, but you mention it about him almost as an after-thought.

She didn’t owe the op anything, at least not in the way her partner did. Apart from the general principle of not being a dick. But the partner owed her honesty, loyalty, fidelity. Strange that you’re not calling him a sociopath.

lainey_d_123

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

I’ve often seen this, a married/attached man cheats and it’s the single woman he cheats with who gets the blame, or the bulk of the blame. Look at how you talk about them. He’s ‘a tool’ but she’s ‘an absolute sociopath’. And you’ve repeatedly said how you wish retribution on her, but you mention it about him almost as an after-thought.

She didn’t owe the op anything, at least not in the way her partner did. Apart from the general principle of not being a dick. But the partner owed her honesty, loyalty, fidelity. Strange that you’re not calling him a sociopath.

Yes, it's a bit sociopathic to befriend the partner of the person you're cheating with behind their back. I'd say that regardless of the person's gender. Again, it goes without saying that the person cheating is a terrible person. But so is the other party. And again, the point isn't 'which of them is worse', the point is whether he's doing something which warrants reporting him to the university, and the answer to that is 'no'.

In the real world, a woman in her mid twenties reporting a man in his mid twenties for dating another woman in her early twenties would be laughed at and mocked, and everyone including the university staff would think it was sour grapes. She would make herself look bad, as if she were trying to ruin things for her now ex.

The 21-year-old student isn't some poor hapless victim, she's a grown adult who chose to sleep with a man she knew had a girlfriend, after befriending that girlfriend. It's honestly quite offensive how many people think a 21-year-old woman must be a victim just because she's a student....who the eff cares?!

Hannibal_Smith

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Big Bag of Chips

Mariahol wrote: »

- telling me that he is still meeting up with this girl and that they have been having sex.

- it kills him to know that I hate him and that me and my family blocked him on social media

- it kills him to think of me being with another lad.

It's all about him isn't it. Not a word of apology for cheating on you? He's happy enough to tell you he's still with her. But he doesn't like the thought of you being with someone else.

Block him now. Don't give him the chance to get into your head. He's having a bit of fun, but knows it won't last and wants to keep you on standby so he can go back to you when he's bored. And he's sure you'll take him back because he's told you how much he misses you and how it's killing him that you want nothing to do with him.

That's some strong emotional manipulation he has going! It's so hard, OP. Especially when you still have feelings and desperately want everything to be "OK". It will be OK. Just not with him.

Tork

I hope that 2 hour phone call was some sort of closure for you. It was an awfully long time to have him bending your ear and wallowing in self-pity. If his new woman hasn't already tired of him, she will before too long. It wouldn't surprise me if he comes crawling back to you once she dumps him or the novelty wears off. Unless you have a good reason to stay in touch with him for now, I'd be blocking his number.

ShaShaBear

OP, from literal past experience - block this idiot's phone number and never again engage in any conversation with him. He is trying to essentially manipulate you into continuing in a relationship with him while allowing him to continue to have sex with this other girl.

Consider yourself VERY lucky you are finding out before marriage and kids that his head can be turned that quick and that he's not above emotional manipulation and abuse.

Ella281

Make him live with the decision OP.
There’s little we can do to control other people and their actions, make them love us, make them stay - we cannot control that.
What we can control is how we react.

Make him live with his decision.
This is a blessing in disguise, trust me. When you look back, you will know you made the right decision cutting him off.
He wasn’t sniffing or crying when he was sitting next to her on the phone to you telling you it was over, was he? Let’s not forget.
He pushed boundaries, got the leg over and now it’s not going his way.
My heart bleeds for him.

He has shown you who he really is. His true colours. Believe him.
Do not waste any more time on this clown. You already spent a few years of your twenties with him...and he turned around and f*cked a 21yr old? This isn’t hard.

Cut him off. Block him. Move on and look after yourself. The damage is done. Don’t be that girl who takes a cheater or worse, a fella who “doesn’t know what he wants hehe” back, wastes her best years on him only to find yourself later down the tracks he’s “at it again” only you’re now in a situation (pregnant, married, mortgaged or in your late thirties) that you can’t get out of or walk away from easily. Think of yourself.

Can I also just say- what about you?
This is all about him. His life. His decisions. His love life. His pity phonecall.

What about you and your needs?