Frustrated

HondaLad

Hi everyone,Hope you are all well.

So I have this feeling for a few months, I'm usually very vocal in my relationship about concerns etc and I'm confident in doing so too as I usually let it simmer, Write it down and see if its actually worth raising, So although I would class myself as vocal I don't really say a lot if that makes sense as a lot of the time I've whittled down the issue.

The last few weeks have been nightmarish, She is currently out of work, Laid off. She is great at her job and is a big believer in Self help, personal development etc she has read about 15 books in these few months while I have been working from home, I am very hands on employee so adjusting to the situation of working from home has taken some time.

Its intense, Im literally flat out from 9 to 6 with my hour break. and 15 min breaks. Within these breaks we go about our lives as normal shopping etc

In this time I have began to "Just sit there" "there's no get up and go" "Im not the person she fell in love with" and despite her knowing I have big ambitions in my job that have taken a backburner due to COVID, asked me " What are you doing with your life "

I must stress here this came after weeks of her reading and self developing, So i started a journal and wrote down the way our relationship was before Covid and how it has been during? If anything I felt we got closer, The sex at the start was more frequent, We got on better and looked forward to time together.

As time went on there's a few things I've taken notice of, I am ALWAYS the one to give a kiss or a hug, even when I do there is no reaction, Not all the time I show affection, but at least 75%. Any time I tell her how I am feeling its brushed under the carpet like it dosen't matter.

She will not talk to me about anything I say about our relationship, IE I don't like that she occasionally speaks to an ex she told me before she only kept around as he was good with the kid, and she didnt really care about him. He was married and I think she was a fling but she wont ever talk about it or why she is still talking to him.

If I get annoyed during an argument I am being "ridiculous" however if I dont agree with what she is saying I'm being "argumentative" and dont agree on anything, please note that I am the first one to admit fault as Im very aware of how I can come off to people as being defensive and I have worked hard on how as I am precieved by others.

We have drifted apart, she told me few weeks ago she feels that I'm (OP) not here anymore or not in it(the relationship) as I dont try and I had loads of occasions during lockdown to show her what she meant to me, I took this on board and made us a 3 course dinner as a date night, Made up a little menu and everything. She was 1.5 hours late to this. Despite us planning it together.

I asked her on another date friday night and she kind of shrugged her shoulders and said "And do what" , As if to say, Ive no interest.

This morning she told me she was feeling anxious and I asked "What about? " and she turned her back to me while shaking her head and said "about everything ive been working on the last few weeks, WTF do you think ?"

I didn't let it slide this time and challenged her asking why she was talking to me like that and she said she didn't like the way I ask her why she was anxious ?

Any time we argue she threatens to leave and tells me that is she has somewhere to go she would leave me, It was my birthday during all this and I didnt even get a card or even so much as a hug.

I'm not playing the victim or even looking for replies but I think i just needed to write on the web aswell as my journal

Im just frustrated as it seems no matter what I say or do Im criticized or undervalued

Xterminator

hi

if you read this from a stranger what would you advise them? Take her at her word, your relationship is over and she is there because she has nowhere to go and no money etc. Thats what she told you to your face.

her actions and words bear out the fact she has checked out in her head.

so now your plans need to be an exist strategy. IMO you need to be a little selfish at this stage and do whats best for you. if thats living together till your lease is up, as flatmates, or moving home, and letting her skip out on a lease, - make it work, and make sure you dont get screwed over in the process.

HondaLad

Xterminator wrote: »

hi

if you read this from a stranger what would you advise them? Take her at her word, your relationship is over and she is there because she has nowhere to go and no money etc. Thats what she told you to your face.

her actions and words bear out the fact she has checked out in her head.

so now your plans need to be an exist strategy. IMO you need to be a little selfish at this stage and do whats best for you. if thats living together till your lease is up, as flatmates, or moving home, and letting her skip out on a lease, - make it work, and make sure you dont get screwed over in the process.

Sometimes no matter what we do for ourselves, It never really lands home until you hear it come from a stranger. Sometimes we ignore what ends up being blatantly obvious.

Thanks for the wise words, Its truly appreciated

Porklife

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this Hondalad. She should not be speaking to you that way. Being 1.5 hours late for a dinner you were so kindly cooking is so disrespectful. I hope she had a damn good reason and was genuinely apologetic.
Snapping at you for asking a simple question is really not on, either is saying she's only there because she has nowhere else to go. That's just mean and hurtful whether it's true or not.
I agree with the poster above about preparing your exit strategy. Break ups are hard regardless of circumstances but sometimes they are necessary.
I'll bet if you really think about it you can come up with even more examples of disrespect and times you haven't felt valued. You sound so lovely and caring and you deserve a loving relationship.
When you're crazy about somebody you don't treat them like this. I will also bet she changes her tune fairly lively once you pull the rug and call her bluff.
You will get through this Op.

Porklife

I just reread your thread OP and I'm glad I did. It's even more shocking the second time. No birthday card or marking of your special day?! It was my birthday during this too and my partner ordered me various things online that arrived staggered. With each gift he gave me a birthday card. It was so sweet and thoughtful. He's not the greatest cook in the world but he made me a lovely dinner. Honestly Op, I would leave her sorry ass in a heartbeat!!

Big Bag of Chips

It's very clear that she has checked out of the relationship. Starting imaginary rows. Saying one thing then switching. Acting upset and then snapping at you for not being a mind reader.

She's done, OP.

Only problem is she hasn't the balls (or resources) too actually end the relationship. So she's nit picking. She's also attention seeking. She doesn't want you, but she absolutely wants you to still chase her and give her attention.

If I was you I'd stop paying attention to her. Stop giving her bad behaviour attention. Start ignoring her. Don't approach her to kiss her or hug her (you will find this extremely difficult). When she starts noticing that you are not as attentive as usual she will question why.

Be honest.

Tell her you are upset by her behaviour and assertions about you. Tell her she has said she considers the relationship over so you are respecting that and accepting that. Tell her you will need to discuss how to go about breaking up and moving out.

My guess is she'll cry. She'll blame you. She'll tell you she doesn't want to break up. She'll tell you she does etc etc etc.

But this is not a good relationship for you at the moment, and if she wants to continue in it she needs to realise her behaviour isn't acceptable and you will break up with her. If she is determined she doesn't want to break up then she needs to cop herself on and stop playing childish mind games. The only way she will do that is if you let her know you will no longer play along.

For as long as you chase her, she'll continue to lead you on a merry dance with ever changing rules.

cannotlogin

Why are you still in a relationship with someone who has told you she would be gone if she had anywhere to go?

Just tell her to go as you are done with the insults and it's clear that neither of you are happy.

redfox123

It does sound your relationship has run it’s course.
However bear in mind that the Covid lock down has been incredibly hard on a lot of people and couples. People are dealing with job loss, money issues, anxiety, boredom, no personal space, a shut down of most hobbies, gyms, no meet-ups with friends and family. And so the partners of people have had to deal with a whole lot of issues that this time is bringing up for people. I’m not making excuses for your girlfriend at all, I’m just saying the intensity of the situation with no time apart because you’re working at home and she’s been laid off, can lead to a lot of nit picking and annoyance etc. Much more so than what would be normal for a couple.

And so I think if possible you could take a step back and think more about when would be a good time to end things. Perhaps the last few months have really brought into focus how wrong you both are for each other.

Or maybe it could be saved if you told her how much you’ve been hurt by her the last few months, while acknowledging the time has been hard for both of you. But that’s if both of you want that. She sounds very unhappy, but it may be a lot to do with losing her job, and unfortunately she is taking it out on you a lot. You seemed to have checked out too, because of her treatment of you, and this is creating a bad cycle because she is annoyed at you not being there emotionally.

I would agree with bag of chips advice that you need to say you’re tired of her treatment of you and calmly, very calmly tell her you don’t think there is a future with her making you feel like that, it’s unhealthy and unsustainable. Don’t let her turn it around on you. Leave emotions out of it as much as you can and be clear.

zoobizoo

Hey OP - I'd agree with what others have said.

BUT...... might her head be all over the place due to the fact that she's not working and that that is having a massive impact on her mental health and the knock on effect is on your relationship which up until this point has been good - even at the start of lockdown. She's not happy and it sounds like she's not happy with herself.


I have loved the break from work from my job due to Covid but I know that some people cannot be bored / inactive for long before it gets in on them and their confidence.

Reading books on self improvement might have gotten her all "get up and go" but there's nothing to "get up and do" for her and she looks at you and decides "well he has job.. why isn't he doing what I would be doing"?


She has opened up that she is anxious - that anxiety is obviously playing a big part in this. She might be ashamed / embarrassed / feeling helpless that it is impacting on her in this way... she might think that she'll never work again... she might think that she has no future..... and that could all be leading her to other thoughts about you, your relationship and your future together. She may be suffering from depression so she isn't thinking straight. She's not the person she was a few weeks ago.


I read an article at the start of Covid which said not to make any big life decisions under the current circumstances because the current circumstances aren't normal.


I agree that her behaviour and actions are unacceptable - and under normal circumstances I'd agree that you should think about leaving.

Maybe try to re-engage with her about her anxiety and see if that leads her to open up a bit.

afkasurfjunkie

What do you mean about the ex she still is in touch with that she only kept around because he was good with the kid? What kid? Is there a child involved?

HondaLad

So I have tried ued to have the conversation about where as a couple we go from here. And got told that "you need counselling, we won't get anywhere until you see a counselor"

Side swiped by these comments because as I've said, I'm very aware of how I am, how I'm precieved, how I carry myself and how I come across.

I said that I haven't felt loved in a while, this was met with a "I haven't either" and pretty much anything I said, she felt the same.again another conversation with everything thrown back at me.

I have suggested that we from now on sleep in seoerate rooms until we can work out what we are going to do as we rent a house together.

I have a strong feeling that there is mind games being played here so best remove myself from the situation.

Big Bag of Chips

Breaking up a relationship is never easy. Emotions are all over the place. And often when a couple know that splitting is the best decision, it can be hard to come to terms with that. It's why couples very often end up with each other again and again after breaking up. It's hard to let go of the familiar!

You need to be definite on what you want. It's not all about her. If you want the relationship to end now, then you need to be definite about that (and don't keep falling in to the cycle of finding comfort in each other only to end up at each other's throats again the next day) If you want to give the relationship a chance then you be definite about that. But be clear that you expect effort from both of you. If she continues to dismiss your feelings and your opinions, then you have to think is this ever going to improve? You might want to work at it, but does she? If she doesn't, then there's no point in you trying.

She may keep coming back to you for hugs, attention, affection in the coming days when she realises that you are making moves towards walking away. You may think it's mind games - and maybe it will be. But maybe it's also that last ditch attempt to hold on to the familiar and not have to venture into the unknown. Be aware that you might both be guilty of this! You can't tell her you are going to sleep in a separate room and look to end the relationship, and then approach her for hugs or kisses. This is why I say get it clear in your own head what it is you want. If it's to end the relationship then you need to resist that urge to return to the familiar.