I've lied for years.

LegacyUser

So lets just call this girl A and girl B.

Basically I was in a relationship for multiple years.. Wasn't very honest with myself or the girl.
I ploughed on did what I thought was right. I cheated on her a few times. Kept it quiet. I knew it was wrong and the guilt ate me through the years and then I'd do it again..

We basically had a very one sided relationship.. She loved me.. I said it back but now I see I never had meaning. I don't think I ever loved.. I believe the last time I did was 10 years ago.. I ended that relationship after I went off the walls after my mother passed unexpectedly when I was 23. Its 10 years next year.

Last year we bought a house together.. have 2 dogs together and we got the keys in December. Around the same time I started contacting girl B.. I was looking for an escape.. Not just sex but an escape on what and where I was. I made up massive elaborate lies on my situation.. I told her basically anything she needed to hear in order to be happy with me.

I have deep deep insecurities and was just on autopilot. I never wanted to lie.. Just couldn't tell the truth. In February I started to go back to my home place to get my head out of the house we bought. I used it as half an excuse for the fact I was juggling girl A and girl B.

Then lockdown came.. I ended my relationship with Girl A. End of march. That was the one honest thing I did and it was all built on a lie. I started spending more time with girl B and realised that despite all that had happened I genuinely felt love again. I love her truly. Not the thought of her or the idea of her. I truly want to be with her.

Fast forward another 2 months and my ex found out everything and a week later girl B did too.

So girl A isn't talking to me.. dealing with solicitors and girl B is extremely hurt and questions everything I say. Now she is talking to me.. maybe to make sense of things.. she has given me a chance to clean up my mess and work my way forward.

I have been attending CBT for a few weeks now and my head is really starting to come together. I am not running away from what I created nor am I starting again.
I have genuine feelings for this girl B and will gladly put in the time and work to build her trust again. I want to be someone truthful at the end of this. no lies drama or bull****.
I created this mess I am in.

I have contacted people from my past who I lashed out at. People I treated like dirt on my shoe when I didn't understand their feelings and I have apologised. I figured I'd fix the small and tackle the large slowly.

I'm just wondering If I know in my heart that I'm not wasting girl B's time is it right for me to chase this. I understand I could chase and not get to where I want to be and be devastated .. But it's a risk I'm willing to chance.

I am alone in this as a LOT of my friends have fallen out with me over this. I'm ok with being alone. I deserve it. I take full responsibility for my actions in this situation. I know what I've done is wrong.

Hannibal_Smith

I'm just wondering If I know in my heart that I'm not wasting girl B's time is it right for me to chase this. I understand I could chase and not get to where I want to be and be devastated .. But it's a risk I'm willing to chance.

I'm not sure anyone can answer this for you? If you're willing to take a chance on things working out with Girl B, is that not the answer you are looking for?

You've taken everything out of the box and taken a look at it. It's hard now, and while it's great you're righting wrongs so to speak, it's important to remember that you're doing it so you can move on. So don't leave them out longer than they need to be. I'm sure your counsellor will tell you. That once you've taken a look at the things you're not too happy about and righted them, you move on.

So this guilt you have will fade, you just have to keep going and get to that point.

anniewilkes

I would suggest you don't go after either them and to get some therapy for your issues.

hedzball

anniewilkes wrote: »

I would suggest you don't go after either them and to get some therapy for your issues.

Being fair he says that!

I'd suggest reading!

OP I'd give it time.. If she is listening to you she obviously see's something. Patience and time..

Admitting all of this is a huge step

MissShihTzu

I would second what Annie Wilkes said. There's a LOT to unpack. Firstly, you bought a house with Girl A. Apart from the fact you've broken up, there's also legal issues to deal with. That's going to take time and money.

The same thing happened to me, (he never even moved in) and to be honest, it's a rotten thing to have done to the girl, whether you meant to or not. The fallout's going to be huge and will take years for her to recover from. There's also the small question of the dogs - What happens to them? Did you think of that??

With regard to Girl B - I would leave WELL alone. You've built the relationship on sand. How on earth is she going to trust and believe anything you say now?

It's great you've acknowledged the damage you've done and are working on your issues. Frankly, I wouldn't be looking for another relationship. Fix you first.

Good luck!

anniewilkes

hedzball wrote: »

Being fair he says that!

I'd suggest reading!

OP I'd give it time.. If she is listening to you she obviously see's something. Patience and time..

Admitting all of this is a huge step

I did read it, maybe I should have said to continue with it.

cannotlogin

If I was girl B, I would find it extremely hard to trust you and knowing how you treated Girl A would probably always bother me.

There's an expression how you find then, is how you lose them. Rightly wrongly, I would just assume that if you cheat with me, you'll cheat on me.

I'm not saying don't go for it, it might all work out but you'll definitely have to show girl b you can be trusted.

bitofabind

You sound toxic. So much drama.

The best thing you can do for yourself and for these women is focus on yourself and on dealing with your issues as a matter of priority. Not as a means to repent or to apologise to everyone you've ever known for your wrong-doings. That's just more drama.

There's a theme in your post of cheating and lying and behaving in a way that you know will hurt people but doing it anyway. That's what the self-work needs be about. What do you get out of cheating that it's so easy for you? What purpose does the lying fulfill? What are these insecurities and what do you need to change to lead a more honest life?

That's what you need to prioritise. Apologies mean nothing right now because all of this stuff will happen again until you get to the root of these big ticket items that have been habits of a lifetime for you. Therapy takes time, not just a few CBT sessions and a few moments of seeing the light. It's a long-term, painful, uncomfortable process and change doesn't come until you're some distance into that journey.

Keeping Girl B in your life in the promise of all of this change is selfish because you're just lining her up for more hurt.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

And yes I am toxic. I haven't had any eureka moments bar any of the self reflection I have been doing in the past while. Cheating never came easy and I guess it was a force of habit for me after a while.

I never spoke up about my insecurities and wasted one girl's life. I understand that sorry just wont cut it and I am forever going to look back at this period in my life and wonder how I went down this road.

I wasn't always like this. I was deeply in love in my early twenties until my mother died and I dumped my girlfriend of 3 years because of me going off the rails.. I now know that was the last honest thing I have done. I used to be strong and confident and have just let myself degrade and depersonalise over the years. I am a ****ing shadow of who I was and it's killing me.

I never wanted to hurt anyone and in turn I hurt everyone. I lied to protect people and they didn't need my protection.. They needed my truth. I never wanted to lie.. I just couldn't tell the truth.

I'm going to keep the head down a while.

What I do now and tomorrow will shape my future. I cant afford to repeat history.

MissShihTzu

Well, OP - I found your post interesting. We know that you acknowledge you have issues.

But - I have a question. You say 'cheating never came easy' What do you mean? You apparently found it easy enough. What you need to work on is the WHY.

You say 'Sorry' won't cut it with the first girl. You are correct. With your help, she's wasted a lot of time and money with a man who never loved her. Don't you think you at least owe her an explanation, if not an apology?

The second girl? You too, owe an explanation at the very least. Thank goodness she never financially committed to you!

It's OK to keep you head down a while. But you need to do some serious therapy to get to the root of your issues. It's going to take time, money and LOTS of hard work if you're serious about fixing yourself. Are you committed enough to do that?

Hannibal_Smith

OP, keep going to counselling. There's a lot to take stock of. But you'll get there. You've realised what you've done and are trying to own up to it.

leggo

OP truth be told I’d second everything bitofabind said and more. You’re a ticking timebomb who’s still mishandling things by talking to and plotting a future with girl B. I believe that you believe what you’re saying, but I don’t think you feel love for her. I think you’re addicted to the drama and chase of becoming a better man and that’s translating in your head as love for this girl. But if you got her back and all this settled down, you’d probably regress in a heartbeat because it’s that need for drama you’re chasing.

You need, first off, to fully own your behaviour. That whole “I want a peaceful life” wasn’t a massive change and emotional growth spurt, it was what alcoholics refer to as ‘a moment of clarity’. You currently are almost definitely not capable of having a peaceful life until you’ve fully dealt with the issues that caused this. And the fact that you’re still pursuing people while attending therapy suggests you’re doing the unfortunate thing many do by seeing ‘going to therapy’ as a box to tick to prove change to others rather than actually using it to better yourself. Because if you were empathetic towards girl B and committed to therapy, you’d have learned all you’re being told right now and know that a relationship is a bad idea for the time being that WILL end in girl B getting hurt and you right back where you started.

If you actually want change:

- Break the cycle, be alone right now until you’re fully on top of this.
- Prove that you accept you are bad news and toxic by actually sacrificing what you want for once in girl B.
- Commit to your recovery in therapy instead of using it as an excuse to carry on and do whatever you want still, like an addict who goes for a few pints after an AA meeting.
- Only think about dating again when you can fully trace why you did what you did, where it came from and how you know it absolutely will not happen again. That can take months/years.

That’s change. Continuing to date the person you cheated on while saying you’ve got to a few therapy sessions and admitting to being toxic on boards isn’t, that’s waffle you’re telling yourself.

Emme

OP how many years of Girl A's life have you wasted?

If you were sure of Girl B you wouldn't be on here asking about it. Let her go and work on your issues.