Dating a girl who is popular on social media

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this because of how stupid it sounds. I've been kind of seeing a girl for 3 months and has gotten a bit more serious the last month now that we're able to see each other in person again. I'm starting to really like her and I think it could really go somewhere.

She is the sort of person who is active on social media. Instagram mostly. She would post stories almost daily, some selfies, mirror pics showing off her fitness progress, all that kind of stuff. She would be pretty popular too with about 10k followers.

Lately I've noticed when she would post something she would get a lot of replies from guys telling her how hot she is and that her body is amazing. Some of them would be less sleazy, but it's still pretty much guys fawning over her in a more subtle way. I wouldn't mind so much only that she responds to some of these messages thanking them or with a winking emoji which is starting to bother me.

I didn't think I was the jealous type, but when I see these comments and her "positive" reinforcement of them it makes me feel like I could be dropped at any second for one of these guys.

It's probably none of my business what she gets up to on her social media, especially as we're not dating that long and haven't defined what we are. Is this something I should be worried about or ever bring up with her? I don't want to scare her off thinking I'm the jealous type and then on the other hand I don't want this to be hanging over me all the time we're dating.

Airyfairy12

It's weird that she engages with those messages from her followers, sounds like she gets a little self esteem boost from them and enjoys the attention. Obviously she enjoys attention if she's constantly posting on social media but ive never seen an instagram 'famous' person interact with the messages from men they dont know. Ive a couple of friends that have a few thousand followers on instagram and they would be very active on social media but wouldnt normally respond to flirty messages from men, I dont think what your girlfriend is doing is normal, imo, seems immature and like desperate attention seeking.
What is it that you like about her? Are you attracted to her physically? do you like it that shes popular online? What about her personality do you like? Is this a relationship you can see working out long term?
Try to see past the superficial side of things and figure out if you really like her as a person.

Dog day

Hi OP, personally I find Instagram something of an attention seeking platform when not used wisely. Equally I wouldn’t be a fan of daily updates & posed selfies & find those types of people quite vain & self involved as a general rule. Does she need this level of engagement on Insta for her job? That’s somewhat different to be fair though responding to virtual randomers is ill advised.

It’s pretty early days for you guys but I’d definitely advise you to think about what it is you most like about her. You mention that it’s getting more serious now so she must tick some important relationship boxes for you.

Equally if she’s a very attractive girl who looks after herself she’s going to garner a lot of male attention in real life too, you need to decide if you’ll be ok with this. Ultimately it’s all about trust which can only truly be built over time.

I wouldn’t advise having a conversation with her about her social media presence at this early stage, though you may not intend it to come across as jealousy it most likely will be received as such.

ibarelycare

Is she looking to build her following and become somewhat of an influencer? If so then engagement, and therefore replying to as many comments as possible, is very important. I don't see the harm in talking to her about it in a non-confrontational way.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

It's weird that she engages with those messages from her followers, sounds like she gets a little self esteem boost from them and enjoys the attention.

Maybe the term "Instagram famous" is a bit generous. She has a large following but doesn't post anything particularly special that your average instagramer wouldn't post. She is attractive and can understand why she would be popular, but how she got 10k followers is beyond me. Not to diminish her in any way, but I just don't know how it happens!

I definitely find her attractive and we have very similar sense of humour and have a lot of things in common. I really see this as something that could work long term, and I think that's why I'm focusing in on this. If it was anyone else I would probably wouldn't take notice.

The fact that she is popular online is not an attractive trait, nor is it unattractive. It's the behaviour associated with it that I find a bit uneasy about.

Dog day wrote: »

Hi OP, personally I find Instagram something of an attention seeking platform when not used wisely.

Her job is in no way linked to Instagram, so I think it's just for the attention. She used to be a bit overweight and recently got into fitness so maybe she had low self esteem and this is making her feel great. That's just a guess though. I would feel uncomfortable asking her about any self esteem issues.

ibarelycare wrote: »

Is she looking to build her following and become somewhat of an influencer? If so then engagement, and therefore replying to as many comments as possible, is very important. I don't see the harm in talking to her about it in a non-confrontational way.

I've no idea if she is planning on becoming an influencer. She certainly hasn't mentioned it! I've never talked about Instagram with her but maybe I should raise it casually and see where the conversation leads. I would be very interested to know how an average person (in terms of career and content posted) gets so popular!

bitofabind

It sounds like the whole Instagram thing is self esteem thing, hence the mirror selfies and daily posts and encouraging posts from thirsty men. Full length mirror shots and fitness selfies and engaging with posts from creepy randoms will have one result and that’s a bombardment of constant attention and DMs from unsavoury types. Any woman will tell you that. To me it’s like walking passed a building site in a bikini. Nothing technically wrong with it, it’s a free world, we can do what we like but just like, ugh. The attention and hassle is expected.

The fact that she was overweight before kind of reinforces this. The attention is probably a novelty that hasn’t worn off yet. Nothing wrong with enjoying male attention but actively courting it as some sort of validation would be a red flag. Did you meet her through social media by any chance? Does this play out in her company I.E is she always on her phone, taking photos, etc?

cj maxx

It does seem like a self esteem boost about how she lost weight and toned up etc and at this early stage it's not something you can bring up with her yet, though I have to say it would annoy me too

redfox123

If she posted a loved up picture of you and her just watch that attention dramatically fall away haha. Something tells me she might be slow to do that if she is actively encouraging the attention.
Jokingly suggest you make your relationship ‘Instagram/fb official’.

That is if you are actually proper girlfriend and boyfriend and exclusive now. Seems vague to say you’ve got ‘serious’ after two months and haven't actually seen each other for most of that.

baby and crumble

redfox123 wrote: »

If she posted a loved up picture of you and her just watch that attention dramatically fall away haha. Something tells me she might be slow to do that if she is actively encouraging the attention.
Jokingly suggest you make your relationship ‘Instagram/fb official’.

Honestly that doesn't make much difference. My wife often gets creepy messages and likes from guys etc - she isn't an influencer, she doesn't have a huge following but she's hot and is really into vintage and pinup styles.

She's very clear that she's married everywhere, but that doesn't put the types of guys off.

In fairness I sometimes get similar messages (less creepy but still weird) from women, and I'm just as open about being married. The kinds of people who get a kick out of commenting won't be put off by the knowledge she's in a relationship.

Dog day

redfox123 wrote: »

That is if you are actually proper girlfriend and boyfriend and exclusive now. Seems vague to say you’ve got ‘serious’ after two months and haven't actually seen each other for most of that.

Redfox makes a good point here OP. Clearly you feel strongly enough about her to be deeming it serious however given the relationship has been conducted during the restrictions I think the best way to proceed is to get to know her better now that you can spend more time in eachothers company. You’ll obviously then get more insights into what kind of person she is.

Again, I wouldn’t advise having a conversation about her social media presence at this early stage. Get to know her, build trust then address the issue in the future if necessary.

The fact that she lost a lot of weight & is now obviously proud of her hard work in achieving her new physique is totally understandable. It’s worrying that she’s seeking validation online but it does make more sense as she may have low self esteem.

If you guys do decide you’re exclusive & she courts attention from other men in real life you’ll have a bigger issue to deal with. Even if someone isn’t the jealous type it can be very difficult to be with a partner that actively flirts with others.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

The fact that she was overweight before kind of reinforces this. The attention is probably a novelty that hasn’t worn off yet. Nothing wrong with enjoying male attention but actively courting it as some sort of validation would be a red flag. Did you meet her through social media by any chance? Does this play out in her company I.E is she always on her phone, taking photos, etc?

I met her through Tinder. Strangely enough, when she's around me she is never on the phone. I have dated women before who would glance at their phones regularly and I found it off putting, but thankfully not with her.

Dog day wrote: »

Redfox makes a good point here OP. Clearly you feel strongly enough about her to be deeming it serious however given the relationship has been conducted during the restrictions I think the best way to proceed is to get to know her better now that you can spend more time in eachothers company. You’ll obviously then get more insights into what kind of person she is.

Now that we can see each other again we have been arranging a lot of dates and would hope we will get to know each other very well over the coming weeks. Although I feel like I know her quite well with all the calls and messages we've had.

Another thing I probably should add is that she has never been in a serious relationship. I think the closest she got was casually seeing someone for two months. I don't know if that feeds into the behaviour or not, but I thought I should mention it. It could be that she's doesn't realise that this might be an issue for me, but I'm just spit balling here.

redfox123

baby and crumble wrote: »

Honestly that doesn't make much difference. My wife often gets creepy messages and likes from guys etc - she isn't an influencer, she doesn't have a huge following but she's hot and is really into vintage and pinup styles.

She's very clear that she's married everywhere, but that doesn't put the types of guys off.

In fairness I sometimes get similar messages (less creepy but still weird) from women, and I'm just as open about being married. The kinds of people who get a kick out of commenting won't be put off by the knowledge she's in a relationship.

I have never seen a photo of a couple on social media and a load of sleazy comments under it about how hot her body is
Course it won’t stop all attention but when she is putting pics of herself posing and showing off her figure on her own she will get one type of attention from men, if she’s happy in a relationship and putting pictures up of that she will get a different sort of attention.
Personally I find it a very strange habit. It’s basically saying please tell me I look good. You can’t do anything about the way she is on social media but I think you should get to know her a bit better before you think of it being so serious. It’s very early days and you’ve no right to say anything to her about it.

If she is as interested as you and developes genuine feelings for you the attention seeking will naturally stop.

baby and crumble

redfox123 wrote: »

I have never seen a photo of a couple on social media and a load of sleazy comments under it about how hot her body is
Course it won’t stop all attention but when she is putting pics of herself posing and showing off her figure on her own she will get one type of attention from men, if she’s happy in a relationship and putting pictures up of that she will get a different sort of attention.

But not every picture people put up on social media is of you plus your partner. No matter how long people are together you remain your own individual people. Myself and my wife are together 16 years, she's not in all my social media pictures and I'm not in hers. It'd be weird if I was.

Don't forget as well, if she's using hashtags well (I'd guess she is as she has a 10,000+ following) then a lot of comments probably come from folks who see those pics as part of following a hashtag, rather than seeing every picture and commenting.

Also what exactly is 'showing off her figure"? Existing?

The thing is if you are with someone - anyone - you have to be ok with the fact that there's other people who are going to find them attractive. Whether that's people online or people in the street. All you can do is decide whether you trust the person enough to let it go.

bitofabind

instafamous wrote: »

I met her through Tinder. Strangely enough, when she's around me she is never on the phone. I have dated women before who would glance at their phones regularly and I found it off putting, but thankfully not with her.

It's good that it's not impacting on your dates with her, maybe just something to keep an eye on for now. Maybe she's getting a kick out of the new-found attention and is trying to be polite with the eejits messaging her. In my book it'd be red flag behaviour because as women we all know how our behaviour can attract these lowest common denominator fellas. Namely half-naked posts and selfies and public profiles and giving them any attention whatsoever.

You said she has no relationship experience, is she quite young?

baby and crumble wrote: »

The thing is if you are with someone - anyone - you have to be ok with the fact that there's other people who are going to find them attractive. Whether that's people online or people in the street. All you can do is decide whether you trust the person enough to let it go.

It's not about that though, it's about the OP's girlfriend/whatever responding positively to the behaviour, which is like a red flag to a bull to these types of lads. Or the offline equivalent of turning around and flirting with the lad cat-calling you on the street.

redfox123

baby and crumble wrote: »

But not every picture people put up on social media is of you plus your partner. No matter how long people are together you remain your own individual people. Myself and my wife are together 16 years, she's not in all my social media pictures and I'm not in hers. It'd be weird if I was.

Didn’t say every picture? If I’m happy in a relationship I won’t post pics I know might get that kind of sleazy attention, like a picture in a bikini etc. My single friends do this sort of thing. And I don’t post pics of my OH..I wouldn’t post pics of us much at all though. That’s just me everyone is different.

‘Also what exactly is 'showing off her figure"? Existing? ‘

Ehh exactly what it says? Usually meaning wearing something skimpy or figure hugging in a post and posing?? And hense why she is getting lots of comments on her figure? Because she is posting half naked pics. Basic stuff. Why are you posting to me and not the OP?

baby and crumble

redfox123 wrote: »

Didn’t say every picture? If I’m happy in a relationship I won’t post pics I know might get that kind of sleazy attention, like a picture in a bikini etc. My single friends do this sort of thing. And I don’t post pics of my OH..I wouldn’t post pics of us much at all though. That’s just me everyone is different.

My point is my wife has posted a picture of her literally in a 1950’s dress and got a dick pic that day. She doesn’t put up bikini pics or anything revealing (tbh I would care if she did but she doesn’t). But she still gets that attention from guys. That’s just the nature of social media tbh.

redfox123 wrote: »

Why are you posting to me and not the OP?

Because you replied to me. That’s how discussion forums work. It’s a conversation.

redfox123

baby and crumble wrote: »

Because you replied to me. That’s how discussion forums work. It’s a conversation.

It’s an advice forum, general discussion is more for AH etc.

Stand by my advice that OP should get to know her more before getting ‘serious’ after 2 months. Her social media behaviour or attention seeking which is very much a younger persons fad usually and most grow out of the constant mirror selfies and sexy posing when they become involved with someone. They may still get attention but don’t actively court it.

SusieBlue

Is it really fair to say that because she has men liking/commenting on her non provocative pictures of herself on social media that she’s ‘courting attention’?
I have a fair few followers myself (nowhere near 10k but a bit more than your average person) and there’s nothing I can do about it if people like & comment on my fully clothed pictures.
If she posted the exact same photos but got no comments or likes would it still count as ‘attention seeking’?

OP it’s great to hear that you met her on tinder and I’ll tell you why.
Just in my own experience, when men slide into my DM’s full of compliments trying to hit on me, 99.9% of the time I rule them out.
I do this because generally, if they are brave enough to cold approach a woman they’ve never even met on social media, they are probably doing the exact same thing to many other women too, and I don’t want to be one of many.
I’d have a quick look to see who else they are following, usually other women also with a few thousand followers, and they’re liking and commenting on all their pics too.
And thus probably also messaging them similar chat up lines.
So I rule them out.
I’m usually proved right because when I either politely decline, or ignore the message, they can become really persistent/pushy or else really nasty and sometimes abusive (‘you’re an ugly b*tch any way’ etc).
These men always come across as a bit sleazy even if they are completely well intentioned and she has probably spotted that for herself too.

So I would say that if she has that many followers & gets that much ‘male attention’, based on my own experience the fact that she used tinder to pursue meeting someone rather than Instagram, where she has her pick, speaks volumes.
If she wanted to date any of those other men commenting on her photos she could, but she has chosen not to, she has chosen you.

Obviously down the line when you know her a bit better and you make things official you can delve a bit deeper and ask her about it, but the best thing you can do right now is try not to get jealous and insecure.
From what I can see she has given you no reason not to trust her so try to self sabotage.

Oh and I can vouch for the fact that even when I was with my ex and posting pictures of our new home together I still had sleazeballs hitting on me and liking my photos. They didn’t care.
But again, if you’re the type to cold approach a woman on social media you probably aren’t the type of person to care if she has a boyfriend anyway.

redfox123

SusieBlue wrote: »

Is it really fair to say that because she has men liking/commenting on her non provocative pictures of herself on social media that she’s ‘courting attention’?

Obviously meaning when she’s replying and thanking them as the OP says :rolleyes:

gobo99

As the Dr Hook song goes
When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch her eyes
When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you look for lies
Everybody tempts her, everybody tells her
She's the most beautiful woman they know"

You said she's no experience of being in a serious relationship so give her a chance. Give her the attention reassurance she craves and she may sideline the online interaction in time. Keep your green eyed monster in check.
You're only with her a wet week, don't start making demands of her. Give things a chance to develop.

SozBbz

redfox123 wrote: »

Obviously meaning when she’s replying and thanking them as the OP says :rolleyes:

It sounds to me like shes trying to build a following. Instagram works on algorythems and engagement wiht followers and their posts is important. The more "attention" (ie likes/comments/views) she gets, the more her account will be featured and her posts will pop up on her followers feeds more regularly. Instagram isnt cronological, it doesnt show everyone everything, it shows what it thinks will get the most interaction.

OP for what its worth, I think perhaps this is worth a conversation so you can understand her motivation. Does she actively get a kick from these likes or is it more that she sees the interactions as necessary to build her following.

10k is just about on the cusp as to when an Insta account becomes valuable, you might start getting sent some free stuff (press samples) or get invited to events. Its probably not enough to get spon con but still, perhaps she'd like some freebies, or has aspirations of growing her following to the point where she could actually monitise it?

Once you fully understand it, then its up to you as to whether you're comfortable with it. If its pure attention seeking, personally I'd find that annoying, but if shes trying to grow a following which in turn will bring her opportunities, thats something different altogether. Being a boyfriend of Instagram isnt for everyone, so thats another decision for you to make.

osarusan

If she is trying to make it as an 'influencer' to the point where she gets paid to advertise stuff, and she is trying to get a following by posting photos of her fit body, that's going to attract some pretty lewd comments, and encouraging lads in the delusion that the feelings/attraction/desire is reciprocated somehow is part of the game to be honest.

That doesn't mean that you can't be uncomfortable about it, but it's not unusual at all.

leggo

I'm gonna go a bit against the grain here and say that maybe this girl just isn't for you. And I assume that, if she's got all these followers and gets all of this attention, she's probably quite attractive so you may be hesitant to hear that.

Let's back away for a second speculating about why she posts and this and that. The truth is, we're not going to get to the bottom of that without her being here. The reality is, though, that she does and here you are. It's making you insecure and jealous. I'm not saying that in a bad way, maybe your spidey senses are tingling and your gut is screaming at you here that she's not to be trusted, again we can't know because we don't and won't know her motivations (and even she may not be connected fully with them even if we could ask).

Is she going to change for you? Almost definitely not. This entire forum is built on the crushed hopes and dreams of people who hoped someone would change for them and ended up learning that they wouldn't.

Is this going to magically stop bothering you? Again, almost definitely not. See above but sub in 'magically stop bothering them' for 'someone would change for them'. This is going to keep grating on you until things go awry, and then you run into the wall of trying to change her.

Someone that this girl ends up with, if she's even ready to end up with someone right now, will need to accept, embrace and celebrate this aspect of her personality. Acceptance is the backbone of a healthy relationship. You don't accept her and that's fine, you're allowed have your own taste and needs. So you can learn this all the hard way if it's a lesson you need to learn personally (that's fine, many do) or you can accept it and learn it now then use that knowledge going forward.

jon1981

Be careful OP. She'll gain another 5k followers when she starts narrating your relationship on her insta account...

rob316

I know a woman who does the same, fitness, influencer SM type stuff. Stunning woman with over 20k followers, she has a long term boyfriend too. I asked her about this before "doesnt X be snapping over the comments". She said its just business and he knows that too, if you want to build a following you must engage with the comments. He gets the rewards out of her hard work.

Could be the same here OP.

H8GHOTI

If she is encouraging attention from other men just because she enjoys the attention, I would think that is disrespectful towards a boyfriend (I know you haven’t defined yourselves yet). While it would annoy me, I wouldn’t be thinking she’s going to drop me for someone else.

I agree about her motive being important. Maybe she finds the comments creepy but is playing the game. If that’s the case, I wouldn’t be too bothered. But definitely her behaviour is going to cause uncertainty and if she acts like this in public comments, I’d be concerned about what she’s at in her DMs.

I also agree that it’s too early to have a serious conversation about it. Her reply will probably be “this is what I was like when you met me and you chose to be with me”. No matter how you go about it, chances are you’ll come across jealous and insecure. If everything else is good, I’d leave it go for a while and see how things develop.

H8GHOTI

@leggo

How far does your acceptance go? Where do you draw the line on embracing a partner’s bad behaviour?

So, a reply saying thank you is ok.
How about replying with a kiss or heart emoji? Or something like “Aw thanks, you’re hot too!”
How about replying to a dick pic, saying “wow!”.
Or if one of her followers reacts to every story and she DMs him back?
And after a few story reactions they start chatting and she texts same guy several times a week?
Maybe connects with him on Snapchat and sends him some private pics?

On the above scale her behaviour is on the lower end but surely a point will eventually come when a partner’s actions are unacceptable. At what stage is a conversation warranted, when he can say he doesn’t think the way she behaves on Instagram with other men is ok. Or are the OPs only choices in every scenario to celebrate these aspects of her personality or walk away?

Spon Farmer

How does a person make a job out of social media? Is it the advertising like on Youtube?

I assue that is how it works on YouTube anyway

rob316

Spon Farmer wrote: »

How does a person make a job out of social media? Is it the advertising like on Youtube?

I assue that is how it works on YouTube anyway

If you get enough followers on instagram you can become an influencer. Brands will pay you to advertise their brands on your posts.

Spon Farmer

rob316 wrote: »

If you get enough followers on instagram you can become an influencer. Brands will pay you to advertise their brands on your posts.

Bizarre.

Thank you for the education though.

Is this website social media?

SozBbz

Spon Farmer wrote: »

How does a person make a job out of social media? Is it the advertising like on Youtube?

I assue that is how it works on YouTube anyway

Instagram don't make payments like YouTube do - they do take in add revenue but the adds themselves arent attached to peoples posts. The person themselves leverages their popularity to get endorsements from brands etc. Most of the big ones would have an agent to manage this process and shop them around to brands looking to work with influencers.

10k followers isnt huge, you wouldnt need an agent, but I've seen people with 20-30k followers with representation, so I think thats about the point where it starts to make money.

Spon Farmer

SozBbz wrote: »

Instagram don't make payments like YouTube do - they do take in add revenue but the adds themselves arent attached to peoples posts. The person themselves leverages their popularity to get endorsements from brands etc. Most of the big ones would have an agent to manage this process and shop them around to brands looking to work with influencers.

10k followers isnt huge, you wouldnt need an agent, but I've seen people with 20-30k followers with representation, so I think thats about the point where it starts to make money.

It is bizarre.

rob316

SozBbz wrote: »

Instagram don't make payments like YouTube do - they do take in add revenue but the adds themselves arent attached to peoples posts. The person themselves leverages their popularity to get endorsements from brands etc. Most of the big ones would have an agent to manage this process and shop them around to brands looking to work with influencers.

10k followers isnt huge, you wouldnt need an agent, but I've seen people with 20-30k followers with representation, so I think thats about the point where it starts to make money.

10k is around the game changer.