Connection issues

LegacyUser

Hi all, I’m going anonymous for this thread...

Im a 28 year old woman. I am heterosexual. Basically, I am embarrassed to say I have never had sex and have never gone beyond kissing or touching. I am not religious, I am sexually attracted to men, but struggle to socialise, communicate, flirt or be intimate with men so I never have sex with anyone. I can be self conscious at times about my body but i have improved my look and I am in shape and I believe I am good looking and have been told as much by friends and coworkers.
My household was pretty PG. Sex is hushed and spoken about as if it is unsuitable. Parents are like roommates with eachother in the last few years and when I was younger, my mom would warn me non stop not to have sex and all that because lads would not want a relationship with you...and you would be giving it up too easily and all standard mom stuff really except I really took it to heart and as gospel and when opportunities arose with lads when we would score, I would always back out everytime even though I enjoyed it. I was in my head too much. Never experimented and when I went to college, I lived at home and again, would be on nights out and struggle to get past touching etc and back out (drunk and sober), claiming I have to go home.. Even with a few drinks, I cannot relax into it and go back to theirs etc.

Men I managed to date in college and after would not stick around long and I was never able to fully relax for fear they already had a foot out the door. It just never happened!

Now, I struggle to connect with any man when trying to date. Half attracted and half afraid of them. I used the god awful dating apps and cannot get past the texting or first date stage. I put too much pressure on the date in hopes I might have sex later. I often will put my eggs in one basket with one fella at a time rather than talking to a couple of fellas, which never works out. I have been sucked into sexting episodes and Snapchatting with tinder fellas I am ashamed to say and I feel very flattered but no man seems to be interested getting physical or sexual with me in real life.

Now, I am in a panic.
I actually want to have sex and be intimate but I am so stuck in my head worrying about all sorts and I am worried that it will never happen, I will never experience intimacy or be desired by a man.

I would love some feedback here. Is this common? That it just has not happened for people?

I feel so ashamed and inadequate as a woman who is meant to be in her prime.
Is it too late for me?

The Black Oil

Well, I'm not going to say 'you're still young' because that's meaningless tripe, tbh. Some of us are inexperienced and much older and get it, including the desire. And I know there can be the sense you might stick out like a sore thumb.

First thing for you I think is go easy on yourself. You've nothing to apologise for. Your upbringing doesn't sound unusual, but am I a little concerned about how anxious you seem on this topic and maybe you need to speak to someone about fears of intimacy and all of that.

I'm on Tinder, but haven't done sexting. There is spam and some suggestive stuff, but I ignore it. Growing up before smartphones that side of cameras on phones never appealed to me. I also use Bumble and POF. I do think you should consider backing off the explicit side of the apps, it's already frustrating you, putting a negative voice in your head and the other party is probably more so getting their kicks than you are going to develop a more comfortable view of sex. You need to watch yourself self-worth as well. Those lads are probably sexting others too, so you don't mean anything to them. I know the apps are good and bad for the ego at the same time...

I know it's not a great time to meet people now. I think just try and let things be more of a slow burn at the moment. Someone will want to ride you because you catch their eye and what you're like as a person. You could always agree to just take off your jumper for some early intimacy, when you feel you can trust someone and not go further, see what that's like.

How are you socially, your social skills?

LegacyUser

The Black Oil wrote: »

I know it's not a great time to meet people now. I think just try and let things be more of a slow burn at the moment. Someone will want to ride you because you catch their eye and what you're like as a person. You could always agree to just take off your jumper for some early intimacy, when you feel you can trust someone and not go further, see what that's like.

How are you socially, your social skills?

I am quite outgoing and chat away but have a lot of acquaintances and few friends.
I always find I am cagey and cynical when chatting to all men. I cannot help but be wary as I always think they are judging me.

I probably got more “action” or chances as it were between the ages of 18-24 when I was around lads on nights out and college.. most dates I’ve had have been from online dating. And haven’t gone anywhere. I just cannot connect with men in real life.

I suppose I’m just seeing other women my ages, all ages, all different shapes and sizes etc and they get the ride, my friends get the ride etc and I’m wondering what is so wrong with me that fellas don’t want to have sex with me and I can’t get the opportunity to try and get it on with someone. I always feel like I’m kept at arms length compared to other women. But maybe that’s all in my head.
I’ll look at couples or people together and think “it’s just not going to happen for me”

I also cannot seem to separate just sex from a relationship. I struggle to be in the moment and “not think”.. so I pull back and stop what we are doing with a stupid excuse. Like a silly teenager.

I hadn’t kissed anyone in nearly 4 years up to recently and I thought I was rubbish and felt very uncomfortable so that got my back up! And now I’ve that to worry about as well as the no sex element.

I’m finding this very hard to explain actually...I didn’t prioritise dating or sex in my twenties and it’s like I’m sexually stunted now.
I don’t know what I should do to get past this.

blarb

Hi OP, a lot of your post sounds strikes a chord with me.

I'd recommend counselling (in conjunction with socialising (when we can) via classes, groups, meetups. All of these things have changed my outlook and helped me learn to connect with guys.

I'll give some detail of my story as I'm hoping it might help you feel less worried. I had very little sexual contact through my 20s. I had a couple of very drunken (on my part) one night stands (including my first time) as I just didn't know how I was "supposed" to connect with men. I wanted connection very much but didn't know how to go about it. My self esteem wasn't great. I also had the feeling of being sexually stunted, as you say.

I ended up going to counselling at 25, and did a lot of work on myself. I had pretty much avoided dating cos I felt so uncomfortable and would overthink everything. I didn't go past a first date with a guy until I was 28. But between putting myself out there more and the therapy, I began to feel different. I ended up meeting my first proper boyfriend at 29, and it was like all my worries about sex had been completely unfounded... we had an amazing sex life - I was worried that my inexperience would hold me back but I honestly felt so good in myself and just enjoyed myself and he definitely enjoyed himself too! I'm hoping my story will instil some hope!

I would recommend finding a counsellor (you may have to try a couple before you find someone you feel comfortable with). But honestly it's the best gift you can give yourself if you're struggling with connections/intimacy. The therapeutic relationship can be something very special if you give it, and yourself, time. It could really help you figure out your own views on sex and intimacy as well.
E.g. you could come to see sex as a way of just enjoying myself, rather than some "thing" you do at x/y/z stage of knowing someone. I personally figure as long as it's safe and consensual, and if the opportunty comes up, then feck it go for it, have fun There is nothing wrong with a bit of pleasure for pleasure's sake! Again, as long as it's safe and consensual, and you're not being pressured into it!

Wish you the best OP x

The Black Oil

I think may be judging yourself a bit first and foremost, though. You're obviously self-aware and capable.

What about social situations that are not nights out, small groups, where there's not really anything at stake, typical afternoon conversation? It can be neutral and enjoyable without hinting at things, if that's what you'd prefer.

You need to make some new experiences (around socialising, imo) for yourself to be in a healthier frame of mind, otherwise the pulling back will stick as being the default. I know myself this is easier said than done. You can recognise your inexperience, but you have to put this to the back of your mind in social situations and acknowledge your own strengths and try to work on how you relate to others rather than whether a relationship will come. And if do feel you're attracted to someone, what's your interest in them? As in, not just physically? Tbh, people don't necessarily know you like them, as I've learned the hard way.

Augme

You connect with men the same way you connect with women. Just be yourself. I'm a man, there isn't some big mystery to me. I'm the same as most women - I have hobbies, interests and past times I enjoy similar to a lot of women.

The steps to learning to be good at sometginf, whether it's a new hobbies, a new course, a new sport, a flirting, kissing etc is pretty much the same. You just have to accept that you need to learn how to interact with men on a new basis and all these things need to be practiced to get good at them. You don't become good at folk by never playing golf unfortunately.

It's definitely not too late. Experience and confidence in things are two very different things.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

You connect with men the same way you connect with women. Just be yourself. I'm a man, there isn't some big mystery to me. I'm the same as most women - I have hobbies, interests and past times I enjoy similar to a lot of women. .

Hi Augme and other boardsies.
Thank you for your replies. I like what you said here that there is no big mystery, but I suppose what the mystery is to me is that when I have been on dates or met men in real life and think I have connected well with a man, I never hear from them again, they give me the blow off or they have no interest in seeing me again.
I think that’s what’s making it hard to connect or be confident in my abilities to date or be intimate with a man if I can’t get past the initial polite stages.
I do know that I can be a little nervous on dates but I always say that at the start and laugh it off to break the ice and the conversation/date flows nicely from there.

I am a confident person (bar my dilemma here) and carry conversations well, I’m thoughtful and polite but I also flirt and laugh. Me and my date relax into it and chat away.
But then it boggles my mind when I can’t get any further than the polite first date and it makes me question myself.
To be clear, I do want to be sexual with a man, but they are not giving me the opportunity to do so which I always thought this problem was the opposite way around?
I am also left confused by men who sexted or snapped me. How can I be so appealing on the phone yet in real life, no man wants me like that?

It’s frustrating because I am no better and no worse than them or other women who are successfully dating and having sex.

I often wonder:
Do I appeal sexually to a man?
Why can’t men (who are all different types) feel a spark with me, enough to try and kiss me or more?
I am confused as I find this with every date and they are all different types of men. I often wonder in particular about these dating apps. Are they actually interested in getting to know and being intimate with a woman?

I just feel like I’m inadequate as a grown woman, as if men have read my mind and already know I’m not sexually experienced, even though I haven’t told them.
I don’t know how to get past this as I feel I’m doing everything which is within my control, right.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I’ve taken a lot of what you have all said on board and will be seeking out a counsellor in the next few weeks.
I’m still online dating as it seems to be the only way to meet men at the moment for me.
I am wondering, is it ok to meet a man for hooking up?
I’m not really sure what’s right and wrong because when I turn up to first dates, nothing happens and I’m wondering is there a different way to approach this issue.

Like, if you have someone talking to you who has made it clear they want something casual and hook up, should I be wary or is this normal these days online?

I sound silly here but what I’ve been doing hasn’t gotten me anywhere intimately with a man?