How to be more considerate of my single friend?

Flimsy_Boat

Yesterday, I reached my breaking point with my friend. She doesn't know it, but inwardly I was reeling when she said, 'I am convinced people only want relationships because they are BORED!' She claims to be happily single, but I feel she isn't happy considering all the passive-aggressive comments about relationships or her friends who are in relationships. Her apparent hatred of being in a relationship is a common theme of conversation, and no meet-up will go by without her making a passive aggressive comment about couples. She is on Tinder and Bumble looking for her match, but it is difficult for her. She is 34 and her longest relationship was 6 months, and that was 7 years ago. I have spent a lot of time with her recently and have now stopped talking about my boyfriend as much as possible.

Just wondering if anyone else had similar experiences with seemingly bitter, single friends when they happened to be in a relationship, and what you did to mitigate some of the passive aggression, if any?

Stark

Invite her to a threesome.

In seriousness though, it's her issue to deal with. Nothing for you to do.

December2012

Does she realise that she is slagging off you when she slags off people in couples like that? It is her problem, and not yours to fix. But how would you normally react if she was slagging you off?

Segotias

I would fall under the "seemingly bitter single friend" category

I am at times happily single and at times miserably single. I don't tend to hang out with my friends when they are out with their partners as its just a reminder of my inability to meet someone for myself so would make me feel worse about myself. Also when out with couples, they inevitably couple up during the night leaving the singleton sitting there like a spare part.

I don't tend to bad mouth being in a relationship unless there's a specific reason, in my case I don't like one friends partner because of how he treated her, she's willing to forgive and forget, I keep my distance and don't want to be around him.

Not to make excuses for your friend but do you or her other friends still make time to meet up with her or is it always a partner thing. If when you are interacting with her its all about relationships or when she sees you if your partner is there, they can all be a big reminder of what she can't get so in her case a good offence is her defence or self preservation.

If none if this is the case, she may be just bitter, call her out on it

Telly

Can you not be upfront with her and tell her that you get it and does she have to mention it in every conversation? Maybe she doesnt even know that she does it?

Flimsy_Boat

Segotias wrote: »

I would fall under the "seemingly bitter single friend" category

I am at times happily single and at times miserably single. I don't tend to hang out with my friends when they are out with their partners as its just a reminder of my inability to meet someone for myself so would make me feel worse about myself. Also when out with couples, they inevitably couple up during the night leaving the singleton sitting there like a spare part.

I don't tend to bad mouth being in a relationship unless there's a specific reason, in my case I don't like one friends partner because of how he treated her, she's willing to forgive and forget, I keep my distance and don't want to be around him.

Not to make excuses for your friend but do you or her other friends still make time to meet up with her or is it always a partner thing. If when you are interacting with her its all about relationships or when she sees you if your partner is there, they can all be a big reminder of what she can't get so in her case a good offence is her defence or self preservation.

If none if this is the case, she may be just bitter, call her out on it

My boyfriend is never with us when we meet up. She has only met him once and that's because he was coming into my apartment as she was leaving.

Her position is very understandable, and I want nothing more than for her to find a man. I just don't like being a target simply because I'm not as unlucky in love at this present time.

Flimsy_Boat

Telly wrote: »

Can you not be upfront with her and tell her that you get it and does she have to mention it in every conversation? Maybe she doesnt even know that she does it?

Yes, I definitely will say something like 'I'm in a relationship and I'm not bored, and I wasn't anymore bored when I was single either.' That may be a gentle way to highlight that her disparaging comments toward other people also apply to me.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Segotias

Flimsy_Boat wrote: »

My boyfriend is never with us when we meet up. She has only met him once and that's because he was coming into my apartment as she was leaving.

Her position is very understandable, and I want nothing more than for her to find a man. I just don't like being a target simply because I'm not as unlucky in love at this present time.

Definitely say it to her, I've told my friends why I won't go out when their out as a couple, I'm not going to make them feel better having me there, while I feel worse about myself.

You may find when you do say it to her that shes not quite as happy single as she makes out to be but that doesn't excuse her behaviour nor should it continue

seenitall

Hi OP,

That's ridiculous carry on from a grown woman, to be fair. I'd have no patience with it whatsoever.

I'm afraid that every time she started on the wonderfulness of singledom and the yuckyness of coupledom, I couldn't help myself but pointendly remind her that she is on dating apps of all things, so what is she doing actively looking for a boyfriend if relationships are so horrible? I can't stand hypocrisy, even if I see that it comes from a painful place of delusion, I just can't stand it for some reason (maybe that's a problem of mine - but if so, that's for some other thread! ), so I'd be saying it to her every single time til she softens her cough.

I don't know if the above is an acceptable course of action for you, because maybe you would consider it too much for your friendship dynamic to withstand, but perhaps it will give you another option or an idea how to approach the issue.

yerwanthere123

You don't need to be more considerate of her, in actuality it's the other way round. She's obviously unhappy being single and trying to pretend otherwise. Her little snipes would piss me off tbh, and the fact that you now have to avoid talking about your boyfriend show that it's already gone too far. Even if she doesn't realise how often she brings it up it's still bloody rude. Just mention it to her, no need to be too confrontational about it or anything, but maybe something along the lines of "you know, we get it, you've no interest being in a relationship right now, maybe no need to bring it up every time we meet up?" or something like that. If she'd a good and considerate friend she'll stop. If not, then probably time to spend a bit more time with other people.

Airyfairy12

Ive experienced the opposite, friends in relationships making passive aggressive comments about being single and questioning why im single. Your friend is the 'single' version of smug friend in a relationship, its quite infuriating but comes from her own insecurities.
Next time she says something, challenge her on it. If she says how people are only in relationships because they're bored, tell her the reasons why youre in a relationship and why you enjoy it so much/what it brings to your life - without putting her down or being confrontational.

Big Bag of Chips

Why should you be "more" considerate of her? She is not considering you at all. In fact she is being outright rude about you and to you, all because of her own lack of relationship. This is certainly a case of the lady doth protest too much. She is obsessed with relationships. With the fact she isn't in one. Others are in one. She hasn't found one yet. She can't find one.

You shouldn't have to modify your conversation with a good friend to not make any mention of your boyfriend. That's ridiculous. And if you are already doing that then you are already being "more considerate" of your friend.

It might be worth pointing out to her negative and miserable aren't very attractive traits and if she wants to attract a partner she might want to drop that angle. Or if she doesn't want to meet a partner, shut up going on about it because nobody wants to hear it.

qwerty13

I could understand her position a bit more if you always met her with your BF - but you’re not doing that, it sounds like you’re meeting as a friend, in the same way as you did pre BF.

Even if you talked constantly about your BF, I’d find her reaction quite childish and bitter. Having said that, it can be really grating when a loved up friend goes on and on about their other half, if you’re single. And worse if they say a lot of ‘we think x’, ‘we like y thing’. As though it’s that every thought/action has to be a couple one. But it genuinely doesn’t sound like you’re doing that.

My only conclusion is that she is upset and resentful, and this is being expressed very negatively and unfairly. I think you’re going to have to say it to her - not in a row, but pull her up on her comments. I think you’re being a great friend for even entertaining her comments - but that isn’t actually doing either of you any good. Something has to change, and I think you need to say it to her.