Feeling rejected after date

I went on a date this evening (we met on Tinder). He was very attractive, and lovely. We grabbed coffee and went for a walk, but I didn’t feel a spark or connection between us.

He talked a lot, more so at me than with me, but I think that’s his personality. Our senses of humour were different, I made a light hearted joke that he did not get... and our personalities just felt different.

But, I was still very attracted to him and although not fully feeling it, I was thinking a second date would be nice to see if we get on more. He didn’t kiss me at the end of the date which was kind of a bummer.

So I decided to txt him a few hours later to say I hoped he’d made it home ok, and I was curious about his thoughts on this evening. He told me he thought I was lovely but he didnt feel much of a spark so wouldn’t be interested in anything, maybe just a drink some day as friends.

Even though I felt the same way, that we didn’t really connect, I still felt totally rejected. I started thinking maybe he thought I was unattractive, and that’s why there was no connection? All my insecurities came to the fore. Been feeling pretty awful all night ever since.

It was hard because the night before we’d spoken for 2 hours on the phone and got on soo well. There was a big build up and I really thought we’d hit it off.

Anyway I was hoping for some words of comfort coz I’m feeling pretty awful about it all. Maybe I’m being over sensitive?

Ah shur you can't take these things personally.. These things are missing in online dating.. You don't know until you meet in person.. And with online dating everything is so kind of.. like being on Amazon or something.. You're surely lovely.. Hope it works out for you..

Telly

Dont feel awful. You said there wasnt a spark on your side and he just said the same to you. Fair play to him for being honest and not wasting your time.

zoobizoo

If he hadn't been as attractive, would you be as bothered?

Dog day

Telly wrote: »

Dont feel awful. You said there wasnt a spark on your side and he just said the same to you. Fair play to him for being honest and not wasting your time.

Telly is spot on here OP. Absolutely fair play to him for being direct & not wasting your time. It sounds like you found him very physically attractive but to be fair there was no spark for you either. Rejection always hurts but put it behind you & be thankful he wasn’t a time wasting messer! Best of luck.

tedpan

He talked at you, you both didn't feel a spark and he doesn't get your sense of humour.

The good thing is that it ended before it started. Don't feel rejected, feel happy and lucky that you will find the right guy soon.

Derdwerker

sparklinglens wrote: »

<snip> No need to quote the entire OP.

You said you didn’t feel a spark, and you only got upset when he said he didn’t feel it either? Is your motivation based around finding a partner, or simply being pined after?

Goodigal

Zero spark between you. Both agreed that. Move on. Not wasting anyone's time. Keep swiping right!

bitofabind

So you met a guy, didn't click, sense of humours totally out of sync. When you asked he confirmed your instincts were right - which is a good thing, there's clearly no love lost here, both on the same page. But your ego is appalled that he doesn't fancy the pants off you.

It's possible to be attractive and not be a fit for someone. That was your instinct about this guy, why is it not possible that he could feel the same way? If someone asked him, he'd probably say "nice attractive girl, just didn't click." That's 99.999 percent of dates.

Rejection is a good thing. It saves you from wasting time on the wrong people. You were willing to go on a second date despite the lack of a connection, probably because you found him attractive. He wasn't. That's all. It doesn't mean you're some unlovable Shrek. It just means he made the call earlier than you did.

Porklife

Most dates don't lead to fireworks and sparks, that's the reason we keep going on dates!
Being mutually attracted to each other and feeling butterflies is what we're all hoping for but it rarely happens. It doesn't mean you're not attractive just because someone isn't attracted to you. I don't find my friends boyfriends attractive but that doesn't mean that they're not good looking. My friends obviously fancy their boyfriends! You're not gonna be everyone's cup of tea. I reckon your ego is bruised because he was a good looking guy. Dust yourself off and keep on swiping lady!

LegacyUser

After one date, how can you even be sure he is single? Years ago, I went on a date with someone. Had a good time. Looked them up on Facebook after one date and found out they had a wife...

Ella281

Porklife wrote: »

Most dates don't lead to fireworks and sparks, that's the reason we keep going on dates!
Being mutually attracted to each other and feeling butterflies is what we're all hoping for but it rarely happens. It doesn't mean you're not attractive just because someone isn't attracted to you. I don't find my friends boyfriends attractive but that doesn't mean that they're not good looking. My friends obviously fancy their boyfriends! You're not gonna be everyone's cup of tea. I reckon your ego is bruised because he was a good looking guy. Dust yourself off and keep on swiping lady!

At least he was respectful and honest? OP, there are absolute fools out there! Leading people on, ghosting, messing with heads etc.
This was quite clear. There just wasn’t a connection etc. No one to blame here and he was civil about it.
A gent.
At least you’re not left wondering why.

I like how porklife explained this btw.

Gekko

Sometimes attractive people don’t have much of a personality because they get by more on their looks

At least he was honest and not a player

SozBbz

You need to take yourself in hand here OP - nothing bad happened so your feelings of rejection etc are coming from your own internal naritive, not anything this man has done.

Online dating is hard - you can be a match on paper but until you put it to the real life test, theres no way of knowing if theres going to be that click, so you should always treat tinder dates as blind dates despite any preconceptions you may have from texting or chatting on line. Basically its a punt, and it does work for some people, but very few people have a 100% success rate from online dating, so why beat yourself up about it!

Your instinct told you there was no spark, yet you allowed a part of yourself to think that a 2nd date would be a good idea. Why? Did you just want to be asked out again for your own personal validation rather than any real hope of it becoming more? You might want to examine that, because you could easily end up wasting someones time in future with that attitude.

This guy obviously knows when and how to walk away. He was respectful and handled this in the right way.

Porklife

Gekko wrote: »

Sometimes attractive people don’t have much of a personality because they get by more on their looks

At least he was honest and not a player

Bizarre comment...just because they didn't really click doesn't mean he doesn't have much of a personality.

Hope you're feeling better Op.

Upforthematch

Hi op,

Do you go on many dates?

Time to go on a few more and you'll forget all about this flat one!

Esse85

How long are you single OP?

From your previous posts, it sounds like some professional help might be needed.

NewRed2

Esse85 wrote: »

How long are you single OP?

From your previous posts, it sounds like some professional help might be needed.

WTF? Get off the stage, that's an awful comment. She had a date and asked about feedback and received it, telling her she needs professional help when she didn't say or do anything wrong is miles out of line.

OP, I've no experience with online dating and can't offer much advice but it sounds like you both got on reasonably well and just wasn't to be.
Best of luck in future and ignore any crap like the stuff said in this post above.

When someone says they're looking for words of comfort, someone telling them they need professional help is NOT what they had in mind

Dog day

[quote="NewRed2;113717630" OP, I've no experience with online dating and can't offer much advice but it sounds like you both got on reasonably well and just wasn't to be.
Best of luck in future and ignore any crap like the stuff said in this post above. [/quote]

To be fair to Esse85 the OP posted very recently as she was upset a guy online whom she’d never met was taking hours to respond to her. Perhaps the advice simply meant she may consider counselling of some sort to manage her dating expectations.

Esse85

NewRed2 wrote: »

WTF? Get off the stage, that's an awful comment. She had a date and asked about feedback and received it, telling her she needs professional help when she didn't say or do anything wrong is miles out of line.

OP, I've no experience with online dating and can't offer much advice but it sounds like you both got on reasonably well and just wasn't to be.
Best of luck in future and ignore any crap like the stuff said in this post above.

When someone says they're looking for words of comfort, someone telling them they need professional help is NOT what they had in mind

All quotes from the OP in recent months.

"but I just came out of a bad relationship, and my trust is now shattered."

"I went out with a member of AGS and was devastated when he cheated on me."

"I have a problem with drinking but keep going back and forth on admitting it. I would consider myself an alcoholic at this point.

I drink when I feel I cant cope with my emotions, and lately some days I have been drinking from early morning to night."

Feel free to apologise and consider my suggestion was genuine and aimed at getting to the root cause of the issue here.

LegacyUser

Regular going anon because this is a bit embarrassing! This reminds me a bit of the first online date I went on about 10 years ago. We got on fine when we were exchanging messages but the date didn't go well when we actually met. We had no chemistry and we never got comfortable in each other's company. I don't think he even liked me in person, let alone fancied me. If I had any sense, I should've made my excuses and left after 15 minutes. I knew in my heart of hearts that it was a dead duck. Instead, I bought us the next round of drinks and hoped that it'd somehow turn things around if we continued to chat. I was so desperate for some male attention and to have a boyfriend that I ignored all the signs that this was hopeless. The worst bit was when we left the pub and were standing on the street, he said it'd be embarrassing if we kissed now. The pathetic thing is that if he had gotten back in touch and asked me out again I would've gone. Luckily that didn't happen and I never heard from him again. I was a bit deflated after that date and didn't go on another date for ages. I'm happy it worked out that way because my mindset at that time could've led me into all sorts of trouble. It's natural to want a companion and to be in a relationship. I know only too well how lonely being single can be at times. That doesn't mean that you should ignore the warning signs or adopt a scarcity mindset. If somebody isn't right for you or there is no spark, you can't magic it into happening. If they don't fancy you, it's nothing personal. How many men do you meet every day who you don't fancy? Finding someone you fancy and who fancies you back is down to pure luck. Online dating is a numbers game and you need skin like a rhino's hide to make it through unscathed.

Maybe it's time to step back from online dating for a while and come back to it when you're in a better place. When I read your account of that date you had with this guy, I don't see any reason why you should've gone out again. It doesn't mean that he's wrong or you're wrong. You're just not a good match.

Nicky88

sparklinglens wrote: »

no need to quote entire post

Time to grow up I'm afraid

sydthebeat

Nicky88 wrote: »

Time to grow up I'm afraid

Don't be a dick nicky

Nicky88

sydthebeat wrote: »

Don't be a dick nicky

He said there was no spark. Pretty simple. Move on.

Hannibal_Smith

Nicky88 wrote: »

Time to grow up I'm afraid

The feeling of rejection knows no age limit.

OP, I think he has done you a favour, he was honest and didn't waste your time. Of course it will hurt a little, when you were willing to give it a go, but that will pass.

Dublinmuppet

You seem a bit needy hun. No spark which u admit and u are moaning that he wasn’t into you. He seems a decent person who wasn’t with you for the sake of it. He was upfront and truthful. Send on his number! Not sure what your issue is.

skallywag

sparklinglens wrote: »

...I started thinking maybe he thought I was unattractive, and that’s why there was no connection? ...

I find that quite bizarre OP, as you yourself said that there was no connection regardless of the fact that you did find him attractive?

What should it be any different from his perspective?