Am I wrong for feeling this way

hsjsj

My boyfriends ex from 2 relationships ago is his best friend. She lives in another country.
When him and I started getting to know each other she would ring him over and over, he ignored the calls since we were together but he would then receive texts from her saying to get rid of me. He talked to her once we became officially dating and told her I was his gf now. Recently she texted him (he tells me all this, I don't snoop) saying 'I'm single so you make your choice' he told me he just ignored it as he didn't want to start an argument. But the thing that is bothering me is she sent him a suggestive video asking 'is this is sexy' apparently she wants to send it to another guy and needed her best friends opinion. I was mad about it and told him it made me really uncomfortable. He just says it's not his fault so I can't be mad at him about it. I don't know what to do about it any more, she's planning to visit Ireland when quarantine is over and of course he offered her to stay with us as that is the polite thing to do, but I actually don't want to meet the girl who is sending these things to my boyfriend. Am I wrong for thinking this, since he did tell her I'm his girlfriend now

Porklife

hsjsj wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the full post. Especially directly following it. It clogs the thread with duplicate text.

You feel how you feel, of course that's not wrong, bizarre that you would even ask that and more bizarre you started a thread about it.
Obviously it's disrespectful of your boyfriend and he seems to be enjoying the attention. You have voiced your concerns but he has dismissed them. Personally I would walk but you come across as a doormat so probably won't.
He offered her to stay with you guys? So you live together? You have a spare room? Hmmm thread doesn't add up so my advice is to make the most of it and have a threesome.

Dog day

Porklife wrote: »

He offered her to stay with you guys? So you live together? You have a spare room? Hmmm thread doesn't add up so my advice is to make the most of it and have a threesome.

Porklife, I trust you’re joking here!

OP, I don’t blame you being bothered by this & it’s certainly legitimate to voice your concerns. I’d be interested to know what age range you all are as there’s a level of emotional immaturity being displayed here.

Though it’s absolutely possible for exes to develop platonic friendships this clearly isn’t the case here. Your boyfriends ex is being entirely disrespectful & inappropriate however you’re in a relationship with your boyfriend not her.

For his part he needs to make it very clear to her that he’s in a committed relationship with you. That’s assuming this is the case. Ask yourself, is it?

To be honest I would hazard that he hasn’t set her entirely straight, is somewhat enjoying the attention & has at the very least been blasé in the extreme about your feelings.

Inviting her to stay is a tricky one. Did he even ask if this was ok with you in advance of offering? If they were truly ‘just friends’ it wouldn’t be an issue, on the other hand retracting the offer gives her an element of power here & further enforces the fact that there’s something to be wary of.

To bottom line it: you should be wary.

Communicate more strongly to your boyfriend that as long as his ex is continuing to engage with him in this way ie. overly flirtatious & disrespectful of you then you’re not comfortable. It’s up to him to decide how important your relationship is.

Of course our partners should be able to have friendships with others once they’re respectful but once again this is clearly not an entirely platonic friendship.

Your real beef should be with him, not her.

Tio07

Hi Op,

From what you said it sounds like you already have had open discussions with your bf and he knows how this situation makes you feel uncomfortable.

Telling you about the texts and videos doesn’t make it any better. Unconsciously, It may even take some of his guilt away.

The relationship with his ex is not friendship as she has explicitly stated she wants to get back with him. What does he really want? Has he actually made it explicitly clear to his ex, he is has only platonic view now? If she is coming on strong and he is inviting her to stay with him?????

I think while the ex is going after your BF, she is single, he is the one in a relationship and needs to act accordingly.

It‘a very like the story of normal people in a way! It generally doesn’t end well for the Helen character !

Porklife

Dog day wrote: »

<Snip>Porklife, please do not quote entire lengthy posts in your replies. Especially for a one line answer. The quotes text can be edited to include only the relevant piece you are replying to.

You trust correctly! I was joking.

Nicky88

hsjsj wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire post.

Well how did ya get on with the clay pigeon shooting after all?

Neyite

Mod Note:


Hi Nicky, it's against the charter to ask the original poster for updates.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Warning

Porklife, I don't see the joke tbh. You should be well aware by now that posters in PI are asked to offer constructive advice in civil manner when replying to a thread. If you have no advice to offer, please refrain from posting in the thread.

Porklife

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Warning

Porklife, I don't see the joke tbh. You should be well aware by now that posters in PI are asked to offer constructive advice in civil manner when replying to a thread. If you have no advice to offer, please refrain from posting in the thread.

Sorry Hannibal.

Tork

How long are you and your boyfriend together?

It's very easy to get annoyed at the ex and to not want her anywhere near your place. Really though, the majority of the blame lies with your boyfriend. It makes me wonder how serious he thinks your relationship is. The ex is behaving like a woman who thinks she is still in with a chance of getting your boyfriend back. What exactly has he told her?

Either your boyfriend is totally tone deaf (who the hell lets their ex who still has designs on them stay with them and their partner?) or he's getting some sort of kick out of having two women after him. It's time to have a serious chat with your boyfriend and maybe reconsider who exactly you're in a relationship with.

Jurgen Klopp

Who broke up with who? If he did sounds like she still wants him, if she did sounds like she doesn't want anyone else have him and keep him for an ego boost.

Sending pics asking is this sexy is piss taking tbh

It has trouble written all over it

ManOfMystery

She is the one doing the chasing.

However, your boyfriend also needs to set boundaries and remind her that he is in a relationship. Saying it's 'not his fault' is not good enough; if he knows she has an interest in him or is sending him inappropriate material (considering he's in a relationship), then the onus is on him to establish those boundaries and make it clear to her that it's out of order.

If he refuses to do this it may be a sign he's getting some kind of ego boost or enjoying the attention. Then the ball is in your court.

Tork

Is this the same boyfriend who you posted about last year? https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin//showthread.php?t=2058029767 If it is, this ex is the least of your worries.

Idle Passerby

They aren't friends. She's making it blatantly obvious she wants all his attention. Sending sexy videos to "to see if she should send it to another guy" come on! She's being incredibly juvenile but her intention is to get your boyfriend to turn his attention back to her.

Your boyfriend is taking the piss by entertaining this. He knows well her feelings aren't platonic. They are both sh1t stirring with no regard for how disrespectful it is to you.

Ella281

Hi Op.
Sorry this is happening to you.

I think you’ve done all you could do and he’s still disrespecting you. People don’t send “sexy videos” for approval. That is BS.

She’s after him, she has pushed boundaries and put something out there, he has obviously had no boundaries and allowed it. So, sounds like he’s not totally into you or serious about a relationship with you if he’s keeping her on side as an option or an ego stroke etc whatever and makes me wonder what the motive is about telling you?
Make you jealous? Let you know he’s being pursued? Etc etc doesn’t sound to me like a relationship worth pursuing and tbh, if it were me, I’d be saying f*ck them.

And OP, worth bearing in mind, you only have his side of the story about “oh she’s after me”... there is a possibility he may have also been responding and sending vids back? Just a thought?

Don’t be a bystander or a pawn here.
Pick up your dignity and walk away. Cut him off and let him live with it.

If he were choosing you, he would of cut her off already at the start and wouldn’t have to be told to do so because he knows the consequences of carrying on like this and it would hurt you but it seems he has carried on happy days. He doesn’t care.

It’s unacceptable and highly inappropriate.
Not ok and you are worth more.

Dog day

Tork wrote: »

Is this the same boyfriend who you posted about last year? https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin//showthread.php?t=2058029767 If it is, this ex is the least of your worries.

Seconding this OP, if this is the same guy what on earth are you doing still in a relationship with him? Sorry to be blunt but if this is the case it’s time to wake up to the reality that this is not a person to be trusted.

Fleetwoodmac

Some people love to chase and some love to be chased.. and there are two active players here and you are just looking in. She is from two relationships ago, this is prob a recurring pattern between them. Yes you should be pissed off with him, why didn't he block her the moment she suggested he get rid of you? Where is his loyalty to you?
I wouldn't give energy to this, both their egos will no doubt enjoy that. Hold your head up high, walk away and establish what standards you expect from a loving, reciprocal relationship. The title of the post is telling... you are doubting yourself. He is sharing this with you, not because it's a relationship built on trust but because whether unconsciously or otherwise, he is getting a kick from two women "fighting" for him. He should have deleted her number... end of. Run a mile, start exploring your own self worth, talk honestly to friends about what to be expected and tolerated in healthy relationships and learn learn learn from this... don't demean yourself anymore.
Mark my words... these two will keep on replicating this cycle.

Ella281

Fleetwoodmac wrote: »

he is getting a kick from two women "fighting" for him. He should have deleted her number... end of..

100% above!
I’ve seen some men out there over the years firmly say no and lay down the law of what’s what when women tried it on, I’ve been knocked back myself etc.
Point being-
This is not a grey area in my eyes. Black and white really. If you are in love and committed to a relationship, you don’t act like an clown and hurt the one person you love and care for! Simple.
He knows this hurts. We all have emotions and feelings. Imagine if you did this to him and dangled your male friend in front of him and talked ****e etc and “oh he sent me a dick pic for approval” - seriously like! He’d be gone out the door! No self respecting person would stay after been told that ****e!

Again “a sexy vid for approval” ....WTF OP....

She’s going to stay with ye? Why exactly?

Also I would point out he is “not into” or care about either of you because he’s watching how high you’ll both jump for him.
1. You don’t treat your girlfriend like ****e
2. You don’t lead someone with feelings on.. and tbh if we take the her vs her out of it, any girl who has acted like her and trying to win his affection etc and sending vids is screaming for attention and is vulnerable and he is clearly taking advantage leading her on and giving her hope...

The relationship is over already. He messed up. Stop giving him chances cause he is walking all over you. Stop listening to what he’s saying and watch what he is doing.

This is not what a relationship is meant to be.
Dump him.
Move onwards and upwards. You don’t need him or this drama ****e!!!
Go with your gut!! Xx