Sexual comments early on

LegacyUser

I've been chatting to this guy I met on Tinder. We get on really well, but he's been dropping a lot of sexual/suggestive hints.

With the restrictions lifting but more places still closed, his idea for our first date was to go to his house for "socially distanced drinks". I said no thanks, and made it clear I wouldn't go to someone's house on a first date. He apologised and said he didn't mean to give the wrong impression.

He has also complained of back pain and asked for a massage. I made a light hearted comment about what a chancer he was trying to get a massage (hoping he'd get the message) but then when I said I was having a bath one evening he said, again, a massage in the bath would be great.

I'm no prude, but I really don't like this type of behaviour early on. I find it disrespectful and I don't want to end up in a situation where I'm just used for sex. I'm concerned if I meet him he might woo me and I'll end up liking someone who is just out for one thing.

It's a real shame as we get on so well and have tonnes in common aside from this.

So I'm wondering, should I give it a chance or should I cancel the date?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Hi OP, thank you for your post. Can I just check whether you posted this thread in Personal Issues? Or maybe its just coincidence?

Thanks

HS

eviltwin

Those comments sound fine to me. I would imagine I'd someone wants to just have sex they would not be too bothered about getting to know you and be more upfront about it. It's difficult to know for sure though until you meet in person. I would give him a chance and meet face to face. But don't go to his house, keep it somewhere open and public like a park until you know him better.

Panthro

I don't see much wrong tbh.
Lad could do with working on his flirting via text but apart from that looks harmless enough.

GarIT

Tinder is more of a hook up app than a dating app. Sex on the first date is the norm and often expected. Look for sites based not solely on looks if you're looking for a relationship.

Thelonious Monk

GarIT wrote: »

Tinder is more of a hook up app than a dating app. Sex on the first date is the norm and often expected. Look for sites based not solely on looks if you're looking for a relationship.

It 100% isn't, it's a dating app, I don't know of anyone who's meeting people for sex on it, or ever has.

Anyway, yeah OP I understand your concerns. It's probably harmless but personally as a bloke I would never talk about anything like that with someone I didn't know or had even met, but I'm probably on the opposite end of the spectrum in that I actually have to be in bed with them before I believe it's ok to assume it's going to be a sexual thing.
If you're not comfortable with it just be careful, if you go on a date and he's pushing to get you home or whatever then that's probably all he's looking for, but that's just my perspective on it others may feel differently.

GarIT

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

It 100% isn't, it's a dating app, I don't know of anyone who's meeting people for sex on it, or ever has.

Anyway, yeah OP I understand your concerns. It's probably harmless but personally as a bloke I would never talk about anything like that with someone I didn't know or had even met, but I'm probably on the opposite end of the spectrum in that I actually have to be in bed with them before I believe it's ok to assume it's going to be a sexual thing.
If you're not comfortable with it just be careful, if you go on a date and he's pushing to get you home or whatever then that's probably all he's looking for, but that's just my perspective on it others may feel differently.

A study in psychology today almost 50% of people answered they only use tinder because it is popular, 8% said they only use it to have a look at people with no intention of ever meeting, almost 9% said they use it to find relationships only and over 5% said they use it to find sex only. The younger you go the more sex focused it gets.


In the early 20s or younger age group, it is mostly sex focused with that dropping off as you get older.


Conversely to your example I know a lot of people using it for sex or very casual dating/hookups/fwb and I know of one person in a relationship from it.

B.A._Baracus

Come over to mine for drinks?
I need a massage?
Tinder? :pac:

Come on now people we all know he's looking for a shag :pac:

Thelonious Monk

GarIT wrote: »

Conversely to your example I know a lot of people using it for sex or very casual dating/hookups/fwb and I know of one person in a relationship from it.

oh well pardon my innocence, but yes maybe it's different in my age group, the lasses I would have been meeting over the past 5 years or so would all have been about 32+ in age

GarIT

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Come over to mine for drinks?
I need a massage?
Tinder? :pac:

Come on now people we all know he's looking for a shag :pac:

I think thats clear.

seenitall

Definitely interested in the one thing. If you would end up feeling used after the lad has sweettalked you into bed on the first or second date (and especially if you're the type where it wouldn't be difficult for him to do - amenable!), then you know what to do.

I don't even understand the hesitation, as firstly, of course you are going to be 'getting on well' with a guy who is blatantly trying to get his leg over, he's hardly going to be antagonising you at this stage, and secondly, hungry guys are ten-a-penny where he comes from, just drop Mr. Horn and pick another one on there, and rinse and repeat until you strike what you're after. You certainly don't owe him anything but you sound like meeting him would be a done deal for you - with feeling sihtty and used afterwards.

These threads are littered with OPs from women who go: "We were getting along so well, then we slept together, and then he went cold, why isn't he texting, what did I do wrong and what do I do about it now?" over and over again. This one, at least, you know what you can expect from the get go. Learn from it all before you're one of these women.

Or do the same thing as them and expect a different result, I guess. I accept some of us only learn throgh our own experiences. Best wishes for navigating it all!

bitofabind

shouldicancel wrote: »

I'm no prude, but I really don't like this type of behaviour early on. I find it disrespectful and I don't want to end up in a situation where I'm just used for sex. I'm concerned if I meet him he might woo me and I'll end up liking someone who is just out for one thing.

Grand. So don't put up with it. Just because you have "things in common" doesn't mean you have to put up with behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. To point out the obvious, you're allowed to want what you want and not want what you don't want. Asserting boundaries like this is really important.

It's a dating app OP. There's 40 men waiting behind this lad and guaranteed you'll have lots of common with some of them AND they won't start throwing the smut at you before you've even met.

blue note

GarIT wrote: »

Tinder is more of a hook up app than a dating app. Sex on the first date is the norm and often expected. Look for sites based not solely on looks if you're looking for a relationship.

I'm sure it is for some people, but plenty of people on it open to relationships. I've only met one person from the app and I married her in February!

Those texts seem fine to me. I'm sure he is interested in sex, but that doesn't mean he's not interested in more too. It's incredibly hard I found on tinder to get the right tone. If you're not a bit risque it can end up being a conversation you'd have with your aunt about your hobbies and how work is going. If you're too risque the other person can be put off because they think you're just interested in one thing.

And you can write something and read it back to yourself. In your head you have your cheeky voice and it's a light hearted joke, but reminds them that you're attracted to them. Then she reads it in a different voice and thinks you're a pervert.

The truth is you don't find out much about the person by texting before you meet them. If you don't want to go to his house simply don't. The normal internet date recommendations apply - go somewhere public like a walk and a coffee, get a sense of him and then decide how to go from there.

Best of luck OP. Hope it works out fun for you!

Esse85

OP should lighten up.

Your either ok with that or your not, and the fact your posting on here looking for strangers opinions suggests your not ok with it, therefore it sounds like you should look for someone else with less open sexual energy.

In a world of dick pics and video messaging, you have a guy suggesting a massage after a bath and it makes you uneasy, FFS go grab your nitting needles, you sound like Bridget Jones.

Airyfairy12

It sounds like he's testing the water, he may just want sex but it's too early too tell. Asking you to go to his house on a first date would be enough to put me off, regardless of him just looking for sex or not, he's a stranger from the internet and could only be asking you over for one thing, if he wanted to meet up to get to know you, he could have suggested a socially distanced walk, facetimed you or made plans for when the lockdown is lifted as it's really not that far away.
Theres nothing wrong with just wanting sex obviously but if its not what youre looking for, id take it slow with this guy until youre sure of his motives.

woodchuck

In a world of dick pics and video messaging, you have a guy suggesting a massage after a bath and it makes you uneasy, FFS go grab your nitting needles, you sound like Bridget Jones.

Mod warning:

@Esse85, your post is well below the standard expected in PI/RI. All posters are expected to be civil to each other. Any further comments like this will result in a card.

Happy4all

shouldicancel wrote: »

I've been chatting to this guy I met on Tinder. We get on really well, but he's been dropping a lot of sexual/suggestive hints.

With the restrictions lifting but more places still closed, his idea for our first date was to go to his house for "socially distanced drinks". I said no thanks, and made it clear I wouldn't go to someone's house on a first date. He apologised and said he didn't mean to give the wrong impression.

He has also complained of back pain and asked for a massage. I made a light hearted comment about what a chancer he was trying to get a massage (hoping he'd get the message) but then when I said I was having a bath one evening he said, again, a massage in the bath would be great.

I'm no prude, but I really don't like this type of behaviour early on. I find it disrespectful and I don't want to end up in a situation where I'm just used for sex. I'm concerned if I meet him he might woo me and I'll end up liking someone who is just out for one thing.

It's a real shame as we get on so well and have tonnes in common aside from this.

So I'm wondering, should I give it a chance or should I cancel the date?

Go with your gut feeling. Which is probably avoid. Other opportunities will come.

ibarelycare

I personally don't see anything wrong with what he's doing. He's getting to know you in other ways as well I assume? If he's attracted to you he's also obviously going to be thinking about things in a sexual way, and it sounds like he's (very moderately) testing the waters! Doesn't necessarily mean he's only after one thing (although maybe he is) but if you're not comfortable with it OP then end things.

redfox123

Very tame texts compared to what I’ve heard guys text friends from tinder, however I understand you find it a little on the creepy side because as far as I can tell you havnt even met this guy, so yea I wouldn't be comfortable either. That is straight away a red flag if you are looking for more than a casual fling.

That talk should at least start when you’ve met a few times and are attracted to one another and getting to know each other. If he likes you before he’s met you he would be complimenting you, but not being sleazy.

The pace is totally up to you, if he makes a comment again say eh that’s gas and all but we havnt met you’re getting way ahead of yourself! if he doesn’t get it by then or doesn’t respect that, just don’t reply and move on.

sallyanne12

Esse85 wrote: »

OP should lighten up.
In a world of dick pics and video messaging, you have a guy suggesting a massage after a bath and it makes you uneasy, FFS go grab your nitting needles, you sound like Bridget Jones.

Just because dick pics and video messaging might be common in the world, it doesn’t mean they need to be in OPs world. Actually makes OP more attractive being unique and having self respect. You continue being a sheep copying everyone else

SusieBlue

Firstly I would like to completely refute the notion that tinder is purely for hookups, out of my group of friends, 6/8 met their current boyfriends on it.
I met my ex who I was with for a number of years on it too, so it is possible to meet someone looking for a long term serious relationship on it. I wouldn’t write him off as only being after one thing just cause you met him on tinder.

It does sound like he’s testing the waters, perhaps he’s being a bit suggestive because of being stuck in lockdown. The massage comment sounds more like banter, but I wouldn’t like the idea of drinks at his for a first meeting either.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt and be assertive, if he’s truly into you he’ll like you even more for being upfront about what you want.
Tell him you won’t be going to his house, and that you’d like to go for a coffee and a walk in the park instead and see what his reaction is.
If he still pushes the idea of you going to his house, then I would cut my losses and let him go. But if he’s up for going for the walk then I would definitely go and see how you get along with him in person.

MuffinTop86

I would enjoy that sort of banter with someone I had already met and fancied, or after you had gone on your first date and it went well. But in this case it’s a bit sleazy and sounds cringeworthy to be honest. Also if he talks like this with you there’s bound to be the same with other women he also hasn’t met.

The other side of that is if he is not Irish and this is the norm for him and assuming you are Irish, you’re just not used to it.

Ella281

MuffinTop86 wrote: »

I would enjoy that sort of banter with someone I had already met and fancied, or after you had gone on your first date and it went well. But in this case it’s a bit sleazy and sounds cringeworthy to be honest. Also if he talks like this with you there’s bound to be the same with other women he also hasn’t met.

The other side of that is if he is not Irish and this is the norm for him and assuming you are Irish, you’re just not used to it.

Hi OP.
I agree with mufffintop here.
Absolutely, 100% love the flirty banter....after meeting and having a spark.

However, sexual comments before you meet is cringe and creepy. How would you know you how attracted you are to someone until you meet and are around them.. experience them, their vibe and mannerisms etc
I just always think these flirty and sexual comments come from men who are desperate for action. They are trying to rush the texting and flirty phase to get you to trust them and construct some sort of false attraction before you meet in order to get some action or the ride when you meet.
Sorry but as a woman that’s been my experience with these types of men....

It’s creepy and inappropriate ....and he probably is messaging 3 other women the same crap.

Your antenna is up and rightly so!
You wouldn’t go up to an attractive stranger on the street and tell them you wanna massage them and whatever else! Why is it we accept it from online dating!

Dog day

Hi OP,

Just because something has been normalised in society doesn’t in turn make it normal which would intimate it’s acceptable.

In this case other people’s opinions on whether it’s acceptable or not are neither here nor there.

The fact is it’s made you uncomfortable so that’s all you need to know in order to decide that this particular guy isn’t for you.

Segotias

OP

I'm agreeing with Ella and Muffintop

Banter...flirting all fun and definitely enjoyed.

When the conversation turns sexual at any opportunity it'd be red flags for me.

There's a difference in someone being interested in you versus someone who's interested in getting you in bed. When sex is brought up so early and you haven't met it would fall into the latter for me.

Could be wrong but to me he's looking for fun while he continues to look for the one.

The woman you take to bed, won't necessarily be the one you want to take home to meet the parents