Male perspective needed regarding sexual comments early on

LegacyUser

When I start chatting to a guy on Tinder, it happens to me a lot that it becomes apparent he really only wants sex. I'm sure this is the case for a lot of girls but lately I’ve been finding it hurtful. I had a chat to my brother about it and he said something that made me feel worse. He said “I would only ever start making sexual comments if I didn’t find a girl that attractive. I know that's bad, but because I'm not that attracted, if they stop talking to me it won’t bother me, so I take the gamble. If I really like them I won’t speak to them like that.”

Ouch. He realised what he said and he felt terrible and said he didn’t meant it that way, but now I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

I never thought of myself as ugly, I’m not 10/10 but I’m attractive (or so I’ve been told...), but this comment from my brother now has me questioning if most guys aren’t actually even into me, or if my brother was wrong and these guys would speak to most girls this way, regardless of how attractive/unattractive they found them?

Thoughts welcome, thank you.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Hi OP, thank you for your post. Can I just check whether you posted this thread in Relationship Issues? Or maybe its just coincidence?

Thanks

HS

Upforthematch

Every fella is different op and fellas mature a bit over time. You dont mention your age range and that could be a factor.

Im single and I wouldnt make those sexualised comments. Then again I'm not on tinder.

I'm not sure why you would start linking random messages to your self esteem and self image?

Rock your look, whatever it may be. Now that's attractive in my opinion.

antgal23

nightskye wrote: »

When I start chatting to a guy on Tinder, it happens to me a lot that it becomes apparent he really only wants sex. I'm sure this is the case for a lot of girls but lately I’ve been finding it hurtful. I had a chat to my brother about it and he said something that made me feel worse. He said “I would only ever start making sexual comments if I didn’t find a girl that attractive. I know that's bad, but because I'm not that attracted, if they stop talking to me it won’t bother me, so I take the gamble. If I really like them I won’t speak to them like that.”

Ouch. He realised what he said and he felt terrible and said he didn’t meant it that way, but now I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

I never thought of myself as ugly, I’m not 10/10 but I’m attractive (or so I’ve been told...), but this comment from my brother now has me questioning if most guys aren’t actually even into me, or if my brother was wrong and these guys would speak to most girls this way, regardless of how attractive/unattractive they found them?

Thoughts welcome, thank you.

Ok, I'm not on Tinder as I am a married man but I have mates who are on and they tell me the craic

Any guy who mentions sex online who you don't have a relationship with already is not worth it.

So, from your post and anecdotal evidence some guys on Tinder play it like a game of percentages. Let me explain

A guy will have several conversations over a week with several women. He mentions sex to all 5 , he only continue talking with the women that talk about sex, he ignores the others.

Wash, rinse and repeat

Homelander

I cannot stand these threads on "male perspective". How about a human perspective?

Guys like this are total clowns, and sorry, so is your brother obviously....not even going to go there about what he said to his own sister, gross.

If they start getting sexual, ignore and move on. There are no end of normal, decent men out there, in real life, on Tinder, or Plenty of Fish, or whatever. Stop getting hung up on the idiots.

TheBoyConor

The thing is though, while the vast majority of fellas are nice decent fellas, when they get on tinder the most of them are only looking for the ride and nothing else and will take the chance on talking dirty. If 9 out of 10 girls delete them, that means that 1 of them will take the bait and go with it. It is just a numbers game.

it is nothing personal, that is just what tinder is in reality.

I am on tinder myself and I could be simultaneously texting 15 or 20 girls on-off at a time. However, i would not be so brassy as to openly talk dirty to them our of the traps. I'd be a bit more subtle and cute about it. I cannot begin to explain the thrill that you get when you send a risque text and then the anticipation of waiting, wondering whether you will see "typing.....". And when you see the typing...., the thrill is even more intense still.
I would hardly meet up with one in 20 girls that I text. It is all about the chase really for me. As soon as a girl agrees to go on a date, I begin to lose interest as the chase is over.

sallyanne12

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I would hardly meet up with one in 20 girls that I text. It is all about the chase really for me. As soon as a girl agrees to go on a date, I begin to lose interest as the chase is over.

That’s quite messed up Conor. So it’s all just a. Game to you. Are you expecting women to play games with u?

ja_

he wants sex, nothing more, he is seeing how you respond, if it's favorable then he gets it if not he moves on, i wouldn't take it as any reflection on you though

padser

Hi OP - there definitely are guys who will just follow the same tactics with all women, there are also guys who will divide girls into fÛck@able / dateable categories and treat them both differently.

It might be hard to hear, and I'm not making a judgement on them, but it is true.

If you are genuinely interested in an objective rating of your attractiveness I'd suggest using a site like "hotornot". It will give you a good sense on exactly how you rate. Its brutal but honest!

Stephen A Smith

Lot of catfishes on that site just to ensue that kind of talk. I honestly wouldn’t be worrying about what someone posts to me online in regards sex.

Most of those pages are set up by old obese men or 15-17 year old extremely horny boys.

Block and move on.

Flickerfusion

Tinder is by its nature going to have an element of that. If you’re getting bad vibes about someone, just stop responding and move on.

Some people see it as a “hook up app” and for others it’s a “dating app” and the two approaches are not compatible and you need to just swipe and move on if you’re not looking for the same thing as you simply will not get anywhere with someone who’s on an entirely different wavelength.

ILoveYourVibes

nightskye wrote: »

“I would only ever start making sexual comments if I didn’t find a girl that attractive. .

I am not a guy. I have to say that.

But in my experience this is not true the opposite in fact. It has a lot to do with culture though.

Irish culture is ..Conservative in that way ...also our language ...deromanticizes sex ....our sex talk is very robotic...

Some men have a way with words that while being very graphic are also very ..warm ...

I think that is what you have to look for. Is the warmth there? Is the emotional honesty there? Is there a bit of humor there?

There is a coldness to the way a lot of men put things when talking about sex. Its clumsy even...but its a dead give away that this is just an expression of 'manliness' bleh bleh ..i am the dude ..and they are not attracted to you. You are better off without them. They are usually insecure because deep down they are not that masculine.

The difference is VERY obvious with Irish men ..most of whom of course are genuine ...but the fact that we can be robotic when talking about sex if there is no real emotions can make it more obvious for Irish.

simongurnick

Maybe dont go on tinder. Doesn't anyone meet in the pub anymore???

amdublin

simongurnick wrote: »

Maybe dont go on tinder. Doesn't anyone meet in the pub anymore???

Are you single and looking? If you were, you would no the answer to this...it is no.

Op, would you try a different app? Tinder always seemed to me be full of people (fellas in my circumstance) looking for one thing.

Suggest: Bumble

simongurnick

amdublin wrote: »

Are you single and looking? If you were, you would no the answer to this...it is no.

Op, would you try a different app? Tinder always seemed to me be full of people (fellas in my circumstance) looking for one thing.

Suggest: Bumble

14 yrs married. Different game in my day!

Pboru22

Im a single male 34 and have been on various dating apps...

Tinder from most male points of view is just purely for hook ups etc.. so I wouldn’t take any offence at all.

Try something like bumble or pof which more people are looking for more stable